earlymorningshakes Posted October 11, 2015 Posted October 11, 2015 So my boyfriend and I just moved in together. We decided beforehand that rent/utilities would be paid 50/50. From probably our 4th date on we have split dinner bills or taken turns paying. None of that "the guy pays all" business. However, I made sure I also told him that we are in a relationship and not roommates, so none of that cutting the grocery bill in half to the penny like he did with his roommate before. The first time we stopped to get groceries, he tried to pay for half and I told him no, I'd pay for it. Fast forward to today - we go to get shakes and snacks at the grocery store and I'm in front of him in line. I'd set down my shake, snacks and one of his snacks on the conveyor belt. He makes a point to pick up his snack and adds it to the stack in his arms. He hands the shake ticket to the cashier and says "hers is the smaller shake." The cashier goes, "I don't understand, split it between two tickets?" My BF says, "Yup, she'll pay for hers and I'll pay for mine." I just stood there dumbfounded. Like....really? You can't man up and pay for my $10 shake and snack...especially since I paid for our $30 lunch today? I have been stewing about it all evening and just getting more and more frustrated. I'd also like to point out that he makes way more money than I do and has way less expenses. The stewing has made me think about a lot more...like the fact that we have been together for 8 months and the only "gift" he has given me was candy bars on our second date. No flowers ever. Nothing. I've gotten him tshirts and whatnot. I know gifts are not what matters but every girl likes to be doted on. I feel sad that he hasn't ever been thoughtful enough to even pick me a flower. How can I bring this up without sounding greedy?
seekingluck Posted October 11, 2015 Posted October 11, 2015 He sounds selfish. He can't buy a milkshake? Does he ever buy a round of drinks with friends? Seems weird to me.
Shining One Posted October 11, 2015 Posted October 11, 2015 From probably our 4th date on we have split dinner bills or taken turns paying. None of that "the guy pays all" business.You two should figure out which way you want to go on this policy. You'll have confusion when it's either take turns or split the bill. Pick one or the other.However, I made sure I also told him that we are in a relationship and not roommates, so none of that cutting the grocery bill in half to the penny like he did with his roommate before. The first time we stopped to get groceries, he tried to pay for half and I told him no, I'd pay for it.It sounds like you prefer taking turns. Does he understand that this is how you want things to work? I have been stewing about it all evening and just getting more and more frustrated. I'd also like to point out that he makes way more money than I do and has way less expenses.Does this mean you would prefer to have things split proportionally according to income? If so, then you need to have that conversation with him.The stewing has made me think about a lot more...like the fact that we have been together for 8 months and the only "gift" he has given me was candy bars on our second date. No flowers ever. Nothing. I've gotten him tshirts and whatnot. I know gifts are not what matters but every girl likes to be doted on. I feel sad that he hasn't ever been thoughtful enough to even pick me a flower. How can I bring this up without sounding greedy?You should fight your battles one at a time. It sounds to me like you have three separate complaints: Living costs are split 50/50 but incomes are disparate.Taking turns sometimes and splitting costs other times.His lack of gift-giving.You should take the time to figure out how you want things to work and then sit him down and have a discussion. Talking about money is never easy, but it's necessary. 1
LostOnes05 Posted October 11, 2015 Posted October 11, 2015 Just split everything 50/50. Like Shining One said, it can get confusing as to who does what and when. Heck, I was confused because you said 50/50 earlier and then you stopped him from paying half. You shouldn't stew over this before the "rules" were absolutely clear. Talk to him again, but think about whether you take turns or 50/50. Taking turns can lead to problems if someone decides to have selective memory...get my drift. And now I know the secret to keeping a lady interested these days. I've been going about it all wrong...candy bars instead of flowers. Duly noted
RedRobin Posted October 11, 2015 Posted October 11, 2015 (edited) ... Yet another option is to open a joint bank account that you both agree to put money into. It can be 50/50 or be based on relative income. You talk it out. Then when you are out and about with each other or paying household bills, you whip out the debit card. Easy. I am more concerned about him not showing he cares in ways you appreciate. I am not a 'gift' person. I show my love by spending time with them and doing things for them. Maybe he is the same way? If gifts are how you feel loved, then you need to tell him that. Edited October 11, 2015 by RedRobin
Lois_Griffin Posted October 11, 2015 Posted October 11, 2015 So my boyfriend and I just moved in together. We decided beforehand that rent/utilities would be paid 50/50. From probably our 4th date on we have split dinner bills or taken turns paying. None of that "the guy pays all" business. However, I made sure I also told him that we are in a relationship and not roommates, so none of that cutting the grocery bill in half to the penny like he did with his roommate before. The first time we stopped to get groceries, he tried to pay for half and I told him no, I'd pay for it. Fast forward to today - we go to get shakes and snacks at the grocery store and I'm in front of him in line. I'd set down my shake, snacks and one of his snacks on the conveyor belt. He makes a point to pick up his snack and adds it to the stack in his arms. He hands the shake ticket to the cashier and says "hers is the smaller shake." The cashier goes, "I don't understand, split it between two tickets?" My BF says, "Yup, she'll pay for hers and I'll pay for mine." I just stood there dumbfounded. Like....really? You can't man up and pay for my $10 shake and snack...especially since I paid for our $30 lunch today? I have been stewing about it all evening and just getting more and more frustrated. I'd also like to point out that he makes way more money than I do and has way less expenses. The stewing has made me think about a lot more...like the fact that we have been together for 8 months and the only "gift" he has given me was candy bars on our second date. No flowers ever. Nothing. I've gotten him tshirts and whatnot. I know gifts are not what matters but every girl likes to be doted on. I feel sad that he hasn't ever been thoughtful enough to even pick me a flower. How can I bring this up without sounding greedy? And this is what happens when some people are so fanatic about splitting everything 50/50 from Date #1 that it gets to the point where you're keeping score so that God forbid no one EVER pays $5 more than the other. Everything gets split down the middle like a darned business transaction instead of a romantic relationship. All the romance has been completely wiped out and it's just a business arrangement at this point. He's doing the BARE minimum and quite frankly, if someone I was living with had the colossal nerve to ask the shake lady to split the bill, his ass would be out the door that night. I'm so glad I never had to deal with this nonsense and that I'm from an older generation where this type of stuff isn't nearly as common. OP, what the hell is going to happen if you were to get sick or hurt yourself and be out of work for a couple of months? What if you're on disability for 4 or 5 months, which usually only pays about 50 to 60% of your standard paycheck? What THEN? Will he keep a running tab of every dollar you weren't able to contribute while lying on your back in a body cast? Will you have to get a 2nd job just to pay back your 'debt' to him when you're on your feet again? What if you get pregnant and can't work the last part of your pregnancy? Is he going to charge you double for every dollar he has to put out for you because you'll be 'two' people? With all this penny pinching and score-keeping going on, I sure hope you've divided all the domestic chores 50/50 - RIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE. Women usually get stuck with the lion's share of it even though they're ALSO expected to pay 50/50 in the household. This whole thing is SO incredibly distasteful. You might as well be rooming with a roommate. 3
adiamond Posted October 11, 2015 Posted October 11, 2015 I kinda agree with Lois and he sounds cheap. Maybe you can tell him like, hey if you cover this bill, I can cover the next one. And like, I prefer taking turns paying for things. You could also try to drop hints everywhere. Start saying like "Flowers are so romantic and make me feel so appreciated" and then stare right into his face. "I really love getting small gifts, it makes me feel like they're thinking about me and I feel special" and then stare into his face again and see his response. If he isn't getting the hint then, he doesn't care. I agree these sort of men very often, want to split down the middle when it comes to paying and traditional "man" roles. But when it comes to traditional women roles, they want the woman to do all of these too. For example, they want the woman to do the "woman" work like cooking dinners, doing chores, laundry, cleaning, folding clothes, going to the store with children and grocery shopping etc. AND they want you to look smoking hot and be arm candy. If you're going to this whole splitting thing, it has to be even on everything.
Grumpybutfun Posted October 11, 2015 Posted October 11, 2015 (edited) Men are very literal..you told him 50/50 so this is on you too. He is just doing what you told him was acceptable and when you change the rules, he is going to comply on his half if you made an agreement. This is your fault too....for saying one thing then trying to change that in the middle of it. By making the 50/50 rule, you have effectively said that you want to be the same as a roommate because you didn't share or pool resources as loving partners do it is a domestic agreement. You two effectively stripped any romantic committed aspect from it. I agree, both parties should do their best to contribute to making a household run smoothly, but by pooling resources and merging lives. You seem to be playing house or really are his roommate...with sex. Congratulations on thinking equality for human beings mean that generosity, kindness and courtesy do not make a relationship better....or that living with someone you love is about keeping score. You have proven you two are financially equal roommates, not loving supportive lovers who want to pool resources and become a unit. This is why commitment in love means sharing everything, and you neither one get that. You think love is a spreadsheet detailing monetary equality. Therefore, you are too immature to handle living together as lovers and need to move out. Next time, don't confuse equality in lawmaking with how a man should treat you as someone with a scorecard as opposed to someone he values and wants to be kind and loving towards. Also, next time, don't treat a man as someone who is a friend and roommate if you profess to be more. Move out, Grumps Edited October 11, 2015 by Grumpybutfun 2
road Posted October 11, 2015 Posted October 11, 2015 This has nothing to do with gender equality. Everything to do with, not considering that one person makes a lot more money then the other person, one of is them being cheap, and, sharing costs was not clearly thought out.
katiegrl Posted October 11, 2015 Posted October 11, 2015 (edited) And this is what happens when some people are so fanatic about splitting everything 50/50 from Date #1 that it gets to the point where you're keeping score so that God forbid no one EVER pays $5 more than the other. Everything gets split down the middle like a darned business transaction instead of a romantic relationship. All the romance has been completely wiped out and it's just a business arrangement at this point. He's doing the BARE minimum and quite frankly, if someone I was living with had the colossal nerve to ask the shake lady to split the bill, his ass would be out the door that night. I'm so glad I never had to deal with this nonsense and that I'm from an older generation where this type of stuff isn't nearly as common. OP, what the hell is going to happen if you were to get sick or hurt yourself and be out of work for a couple of months? What if you're on disability for 4 or 5 months, which usually only pays about 50 to 60% of your standard paycheck? What THEN? Will he keep a running tab of every dollar you weren't able to contribute while lying on your back in a body cast? Will you have to get a 2nd job just to pay back your 'debt' to him when you're on your feet again? What if you get pregnant and can't work the last part of your pregnancy? Is he going to charge you double for every dollar he has to put out for you because you'll be 'two' people? With all this penny pinching and score-keeping going on, I sure hope you've divided all the domestic chores 50/50 - RIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE. Women usually get stuck with the lion's share of it even though they're ALSO expected to pay 50/50 in the household. This whole thing is SO incredibly distasteful. You might as well be rooming with a roommate. ^^^Great post and I agree. And I think you should communicate ... telling him exactly what Lois expressed above and how his behavior made you feel (lousy!) and that it's NOT conducive to a loving, caring, romantic relationship. Communicate! That it makes you feel like your relationship is a freakin business transaction! None of this *dropping hints* crap, telling him flowers would make you feel special blah blah -- BE DIRECT! His behavior made you feel like shyt, not to mention embassassing, in front of the cashier and others witnessing. Bottom line, his behavior was cheap, made you feel like crap and you are hurt and pissed! Tell him that! Don't go ballistic on him, but definitely let him know how his behavior made you feel. Like he doesn't care, among other things mentioned. No walking on eggshells. Not allowed in a healthy relationship! Okay? Don't be afraid to get mad once in a while, when warranted. I always do, when justifed, and my fiance has the utmost respect for me. It is also the only way he actually pays attention and gets it!!! That IS the only way men "get it" sometimes. Actually most times! Men don't get *hints*, they get DIRECT! How else is he gonna know it bothered you? And learn what you like and don't like? So tell him how you feel, be direct. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know! Edited October 11, 2015 by katiegrl
adiamond Posted October 11, 2015 Posted October 11, 2015 ^^^Great post and I agree. And I think you should communicate ... telling him exactly what Lois expressed above and how his behavior made you feel (lousy!) and that it's NOT conducive to a loving, caring, romantic relationship. Communicate! That it makes you feel like your relationship is a freakin business transaction! None of this *dropping hints* crap, telling him flowers would make you feel special blah blah -- BE DIRECT! His behavior made you feel like shyt, not to mention embassassing, in front of the cashier and others witnessing. Bottom line, his behavior was cheap, made you feel like crap and you are hurt and pissed! Tell him that! Don't go ballistic on him, but definitely let him know how his behavior made you feel. Like he doesn't care, among other things mentioned. No walking on eggshells. Not allowed in a healthy relationship! Okay? Don't be afraid to get mad once in a while, when warranted. I always do, when justifed, and my fiance has the utmost respect for me. It is also the only way he actually pays attention and gets it!!! That IS the only way men "get it" sometimes. Actually most times! Men don't get *hints*, they get DIRECT! How else is he gonna know it bothered you? And learn what you like and don't like? So tell him how you feel, be direct. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know! I agree being direct is the best way, but in my experience, being direct makes them defensive and act like you're trying to "change" them. Maybe it's just my experience and I haven't been with the right person
katiegrl Posted October 11, 2015 Posted October 11, 2015 (edited) I agree being direct is the best way, but in my experience, being direct makes them defensive and act like you're trying to "change" them. Maybe it's just my experience and I haven't been with the right person The key is telling him how "his behavior" made YOU feel. As opposed to calling HIM a "cheap douche". Or other accusatory and/or derogatory names. If he tries to *flip the script* or gaslights you by calling you *crazy* or whatevs, THAT is when you re-think the relationship, and be prepared to walk if necessary. He may get defensive at first, but you need to stick to your guns. Don't back down ... Stay strong! If he cares, he will eventually try to understand your feelings. If not, you WALK! In my experience, men HATE it when the woman they love is mad at them! If he cares, he will perk up and listen! It's been said on this board many times .... you gotta teach people how to treat you. Edited October 11, 2015 by katiegrl
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