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How to turn a "frog" into a prince?

LaBelleBleu

By LaBelleBleu
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LaBelleBleu New Member

LaBelleBleu

Posted
Posted

Does it ever work to turn a "frog" into a prince?

 

I've been dating a man for 6 months now, but I knew him for about a year and a half before we started dating.

 

He's nothing like what I like, physically or mentally.

 

Physically, I don't like his dated hairstyle, the way he dresses, etc.

 

Mentally, I don't like his lack of ambition above all. He literally just plays video games and smokes with his time. I daresay he's getting boring because of it.

 

The only reason I'm with him literally is because I know he loves me...but I don't know how much longer that'll keep me in the relationship given that I'm not physically attracted to him as he is, and am unimpressed with his lack of ambition.

 

I have to either leave him or change him. I know the conventional advice is "you can't change someone". I know I can't change him too much, but even a little tweaking would make me happy.

 

Getting him to dress better seems like the simplest thing...just buy him better clothes. He has already given me permission to do his hair (ecstatic about that actually, the hair is a huge reason he turns me off). Superficial changes are easy to make.

 

It's the mental changes that are the toughest to make. It's easier to buy someone new clothes than it is to get them to do something more productive than play video games.

 

How can I gently ease him into doing better things? For example...I had the idea of maybe going out places and encouraging him to come along until we find something he likes, so he'll want to get out. Maybe even discover a new hobby to replace video games.

 

Does this sound like it'll work out in the long run, or is it too planned? Has anyone here succeeded at making major positive changes to their mate, or as I said before, turning a "frog" into a prince?

  • Like 1
carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

He has two habits, one of them considered a vice, which are historically exceedingly difficult to change. His vice, smoking, can substantially affect his health, as well as sexual performance, as he ages.

 

If either one of those annoys you substantially, expect that annoyance to remain throughout life.

 

I played this game earlier in life, albeit with alcoholics who were otherwise very lovable people, and learned it's healthier to accept the real and move on if it doesn't match up in a healthy way.

 

IMO, you'll meet someone who not only loves you but is a healthier fit, just as they are. Can a person change throughout life? Yep! However, substantial changes to kick things off portends stormy seas ahead, IMO, in the compatibility areas.

  • Like 1
Stage5Clinger Established Member

Stage5Clinger

Posted
Posted
He's nothing like what I like, physically or mentally.

 

Ummmm.............. What are you even doing then?

  • Like 10
lino Established Member

lino

Posted
Posted
Does it ever work to turn a "frog" into a prince?

 

I've been dating a man for 6 months now, but I knew him for about a year and a half before we started dating.

 

He's nothing like what I like, physically or mentally.

 

Physically, I don't like his dated hairstyle, the way he dresses, etc.

 

Mentally, I don't like his lack of ambition above all. He literally just plays video games and smokes with his time. I daresay he's getting boring because of it.

 

The only reason I'm with him literally is because I know he loves me...but I don't know how much longer that'll keep me in the relationship given that I'm not physically attracted to him as he is, and am unimpressed with his lack of ambition.

 

I have to either leave him or change him. I know the conventional advice is "you can't change someone". I know I can't change him too much, but even a little tweaking would make me happy.

 

Getting him to dress better seems like the simplest thing...just buy him better clothes. He has already given me permission to do his hair (ecstatic about that actually, the hair is a huge reason he turns me off). Superficial changes are easy to make.

 

It's the mental changes that are the toughest to make. It's easier to buy someone new clothes than it is to get them to do something more productive than play video games.

 

How can I gently ease him into doing better things? For example...I had the idea of maybe going out places and encouraging him to come along until we find something he likes, so he'll want to get out. Maybe even discover a new hobby to replace video games.

 

Does this sound like it'll work out in the long run, or is it too planned? Has anyone here succeeded at making major positive changes to their mate, or as I said before, turning a "frog" into a prince?

 

If you knew him a year and a half before dating and have been dating him for a year and a half, that's two years of knowing what he was like. I doubt a gun was held to your head to get involved with him? Why did you bother?

 

Also, if his hairstyle is the biggest reason, I gotta say that's very superficial.

A guy stating something like that on here would be called a pig.

  • Like 3
xcupid Established Member

xcupid

Posted
Posted

You knew what he was like before you started dating. So what it is that caused you to date him and you now want to "change" him? Sounds like there's major incompatibility here.

  • Like 2
casey.lives Established Member

casey.lives

Posted
Posted

you could stop doing anything yourself and make him become disgusted by your lack of forward motion which might hit him upon realization. Some people learn through osmosis.

SammySammy Established Member

SammySammy

Posted
Posted

*groans*

 

She's only with him because he loves her, but she doesn't like anything about him. Wants to know if she can change him to her liking. Wonders if that will work out.

 

Sure ... why not? Can't imagine how that plan will fail ....

  • Like 4
TheBathWater Established Member

TheBathWater

Posted
Posted
Does it ever work to turn a "frog" into a prince?

 

I've been dating a man for 6 months now, but I knew him for about a year and a half before we started dating.

 

He's nothing like what I like, physically or mentally.

 

Physically, I don't like his dated hairstyle, the way he dresses, etc.

 

Mentally, I don't like his lack of ambition above all. He literally just plays video games and smokes with his time. I daresay he's getting boring because of it.

 

The only reason I'm with him literally is because I know he loves me...but I don't know how much longer that'll keep me in the relationship given that I'm not physically attracted to him as he is, and am unimpressed with his lack of ambition.

 

I have to either leave him or change him. I know the conventional advice is "you can't change someone". I know I can't change him too much, but even a little tweaking would make me happy.

 

Getting him to dress better seems like the simplest thing...just buy him better clothes. He has already given me permission to do his hair (ecstatic about that actually, the hair is a huge reason he turns me off). Superficial changes are easy to make.

 

It's the mental changes that are the toughest to make. It's easier to buy someone new clothes than it is to get them to do something more productive than play video games.

 

How can I gently ease him into doing better things? For example...I had the idea of maybe going out places and encouraging him to come along until we find something he likes, so he'll want to get out. Maybe even discover a new hobby to replace video games.

 

Does this sound like it'll work out in the long run, or is it too planned? Has anyone here succeeded at making major positive changes to their mate, or as I said before, turning a "frog" into a prince?

 

I literally started laughing out loud when I read the first sentence/question in your final paragraph.

 

Love is about accepting someone. You cannot truly love someone if you are trying to change them, make them 'better', and are only with them because of their feelings for you.

 

I would do the guy a favor and end the relationship, and then do yourself a favor and go into intensive psychotherapy to sort through why you did this in the first place. I'm not joking, by the way.

  • Like 2
todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

Posted
Posted (edited)

one sided relationships hardly ever work labelle.......relationships are hard work without having to also work at loving someone and needing them to change and become something they are not......right now.......

 

 

you need to look at the guy you are with full in the eyes and say this is the guy i could see myself with in two years....in three...in four....or pushing his wheel chair when he cant walk because his leg was bitten off by a great white.......exactly the way they are now is how you have to feel love for them..all their flaws..but most of all see everything that is good about who they are you see those attributes first...... like a beacon calling you home....you can rattle off a hundred good things in a minute flat...nothing they are now would make you want to leave them........chances are they will change over time..it could be worse......it could be for the better...naturally they will change without help from you....but you have to love them right now...not after a make over.....

 

there could be two reasons why you are with him that are on the tip of my tongue....one could be you dont think anyone can love you like he does or you are with him because you cant handle being alone...either one of these reasons are not good enough reasons to lie to him and stay with him.....which is what you are doing....what do you say if he says i love you? or expresses how he feels about you.....

 

he isnt for you and the more time you spend looking for prince makeovers among incompatible partners.....wastes the time you have to find the person you truly care for and for him to have the person who truly cares for him...i wish you well.....deb

Edited by todreaminblue
Maggie4 Established Member

Maggie4

Posted
Posted

When the spell is strong, you have to kiss the frog many many times. :laugh:

Seriously, you can put in a lot of effort to change him, but he may also changes his feelings for you. Then your only reason for being with him is no longer there, and the "improved" him, with good hair, goes for some other girl.

  • Like 1
Christos Established Member

Christos

Posted
Posted

You don't really love him. I can tell.

 

Playing video games isn't bad. I play video games. And back when i was depressed, i played a lot to pass the time. He might be depressed too. Mostly because you want to change him, you don't accept him the way he is. And he can feel that, i am sure you don't stop mentioning things to him...

 

Also, as per the "ambition" part, call it what it is :MONEY. You think he should be making more MONEY. But all women are afraid to call a spade a spade, and they talk about "ambition" and other BS...

 

You don't love him. Leave him, and try to find someone "ambitious" instead, and have him love you like your current bf... I am sure well-off, non-smoking, never-playing-games, ambitious men, all able to love you with all their hearts, are hanging from the trees out there... Reach out for them!

  • Like 1
ZA Dater Established Member

ZA Dater

Posted
Posted
Does it ever work to turn a "frog" into a prince?

 

I've been dating a man for 6 months now, but I knew him for about a year and a half before we started dating.

 

He's nothing like what I like, physically or mentally.

 

Physically, I don't like his dated hairstyle, the way he dresses, etc.

 

Mentally, I don't like his lack of ambition above all. He literally just plays video games and smokes with his time. I daresay he's getting boring because of it.

 

The only reason I'm with him literally is because I know he loves me...but I don't know how much longer that'll keep me in the relationship given that I'm not physically attracted to him as he is, and am unimpressed with his lack of ambition.

 

I have to either leave him or change him. I know the conventional advice is "you can't change someone". I know I can't change him too much, but even a little tweaking would make me happy.

 

Getting him to dress better seems like the simplest thing...just buy him better clothes. He has already given me permission to do his hair (ecstatic about that actually, the hair is a huge reason he turns me off). Superficial changes are easy to make.

 

It's the mental changes that are the toughest to make. It's easier to buy someone new clothes than it is to get them to do something more productive than play video games.

 

How can I gently ease him into doing better things? For example...I had the idea of maybe going out places and encouraging him to come along until we find something he likes, so he'll want to get out. Maybe even discover a new hobby to replace video games.

 

Does this sound like it'll work out in the long run, or is it too planned? Has anyone here succeeded at making major positive changes to their mate, or as I said before, turning a "frog" into a prince?

 

You have my utmost respect for what you are trying to achieve, many people would simply dump him and move on.

 

 

I think it can work because he likes you and he is getting positive advice to improve and better himself, chances are he wants to improve!

 

 

Good luck

katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

Posted
Posted (edited)
You have my utmost respect for what you are trying to achieve, many people would simply dump him and move on.

 

 

I think it can work because he likes you and he is getting positive advice to improve and better himself, chances are he wants to improve!

 

 

Good luck

 

Say what?

 

The OP wrote:

 

>>The only reason I am with him literally is because I know he loves me <<

 

ZA, she does not love him. Hell, she said in her OP she doesn't even like him.

 

No it will never work for this reason, and of course most people would dump a person they didn't like of love! Hellloo!!

 

Dumping someone you don't love is the right and decent thing to do!

 

Not stay and try to fix whatever YOU think is wrong with him ....wrong wrong wrong.

Edited by katiegrl
  • Like 2
ZA Dater Established Member

ZA Dater

Posted
Posted
Say what?

 

The OP wrote:

 

>>The only reason I am with him literally is because I know he loves me <<

 

ZA, she does not love him. Hell, she said in her OP she doesn't even like him.

 

No it will never work for this reason, and of course most people would dump a person they didn't like of love! Hellloo!!

 

Dumping someone you don't love is the right and decent thing to do!

 

Not stay and try to fix whatever YOU think is wrong with him ....wrong wrong wrong.

 

I disagree, he loves her so she wouldn't be around if she didn't at least like something about him.

 

 

Wrong is subjective but I think its commendable that people actually want to help others apposed to kicking them to the curve like garbage, then again I am biased here because I am usually the one being kicked to the kerb.

 

 

Try change him I reckon, most people on some level are open to change.

katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

Posted
Posted (edited)
I disagree, he loves her so she wouldn't be around if she didn't at least like something about him.

 

 

Wrong is subjective but I think its commendable that people actually want to help others apposed to kicking them to the curve like garbage, then again I am biased here because I am usually the one being kicked to the kerb.

 

 

Try change him I reckon, most people on some level are open to change.

 

First sentence. That is not what she said ZA.

 

She said the ONLY reason she is with him LITERALLY is because HE loves HER.

 

You are assuming she "must" like *something* about him, but from how she described him, it is pretty clear she doesn't.

 

She said "he is nothing what I like, physically or mentally.". Her exact words.

 

She is hoping if she fixes him to her liking, she might find something to like (so she could at least tolerate him), but that is wrong.

 

Would you really want to date a woman knowing the only reason she hung around was because YOU loved her? Spent money on her, cared for her, worried about her, LOVED her, etc, ....... while she in turn found NOTHING to even like about you, physically or mentally?

 

Really ZA? Are you really THAT desperate that you would settle for that crap? I find that really hard to believe!

Edited by katiegrl
katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

Posted
Posted (edited)

Just speculating, but the guy probably has money, and THAT is why she's with him.

 

She likes nothing about him, physically or mentally (her words), but needs to at least tolerate him on some level, hence this thread, asking if he's fixable..

Edited by katiegrl
lana-banana Established Member

lana-banana

Posted
Posted

It is actually possible to give someone a complete personality and style makeover. (Note I didn't say it was a kind, loving or good thing to do, only that it was possible.) And you know what invariably happens? The "subject" grows a spine, realizes how they've been manipulated, and leaves. Your partner should be an equal, not someone you pity and resent. This guy doesn't sound like my type either but he deserves to be loved for who he is today.

 

If you want a major improvement project you can change entirely to your liking, buy a house.

  • Like 1
Empyrea Established Member

Empyrea

Posted
Posted

If the kiss didn't work, then maybe he was just a frog all along ;)

  • Like 1
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LaBelleBleu New Member

LaBelleBleu

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thank you all for your replies.

 

But I agree that leaving is the right thing to do.

 

The reason why I haven't done it yet is that he loves me too much...when I tried to leave him early in the relationship, as I could see it wasn't working out even then, he started begging and literally crying and told me he was a virgin and I decided not to go. I don't want to experience a repeat of that event. I'd never seen a guy cry before, it was quite frightening.

 

How do you leave someone when they push your pity buttons like that (crying, talking about how you're their first love, etc.)?

 

As flat as I feel about him, I haven't the heart to do it...

thunder777 Established Member

thunder777

Posted
Posted

errr of course she loves him, they been life friends/lovers for 2 years

 

shes just highlighting a couple of red flags

 

if you want him to "work" for you and make an effort for you, he needs to feel he has lost you, or is on the verge of losing you

 

withdraw yourself away from his life for a while, isolate him, make him realize what he is without you around. tell him the truth "im tired of the smoking and im tired of having someone to spend life with but he prefers to spend most of his time on video games rather than with me"

 

if you live together, stay somewhere else for a month, go a fortnight without seeing him

 

its like with kids, when they misbehave you confiscate whats precious to them, you take away the privelage and they soon learn

 

if no effort is made by him, youll know his time is up, hes not willing to go the extra mile for you

Disconnect Member

Disconnect

Posted
Posted

This dilemma sucks, OP. You've been with him for years, but you don't like his character or anything about the way he looks. What the actual f*ck.

 

As for how you dump him, I don't really understand why you need us to tell you that either. But anyway - with sensitivity, respect, kindness and firmness, and don't allow him to get into begging or promising he will change.

BLND Established Member

BLND

Posted
Posted

you said it yourself you can't change a man.

the little tweaking will make you happy for a bit but in the long run, his lack of ambition and the fact that all he does is smoke and play video games, won't be enough to build a strong future with.

MissBee Established Member

MissBee

Posted
Posted (edited)

Good luck with this...it's usually the beginning of a slow and torturous process of wasting your time.

 

You should really ask yourself why you have to "fix up a man" or be with him just because he loves you, even though you don't seem to love or even like him much, neither physically nor mentally. How would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot? That is, you had a man who was only with you because you liked him and he wished you looked different, dressed different and overall were a different person? :confused:

 

 

People only accept this when for whatever reason they have low self esteem/self-worth and feel they have to just accept who they can get. I have tried to overlook some things for the sake of being with someone, but it was that I liked them a lot so overlooked some things. I've never actually been with anyone though who I didn't really like almost everything about them and thought by some magic I could turn them into something else. In the case where I did like them but wanted some things to change, it never worked, so I can only imagine that in this case where you pretty much don't like most things, it will almost NEVER work.

 

It's much easier to actually look for a man you like than try to transform one you don't just because you feel like you can't do better. Relationships and dating aren't charities. It's not about fixing people. It's not an improvement project. You don't date people just because they like you or find someone who is breathing and then try to fix them up...good relationships are when two people have mutual interest, mutually like and respect each other and WANT to be together and where they both will put in effort.

Edited by MissBee
  • Like 2
katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

Posted
Posted (edited)
Thank you all for your replies.

 

But I agree that leaving is the right thing to do.

 

The reason why I haven't done it yet is that he loves me too much...when I tried to leave him early in the relationship, as I could see it wasn't working out even then, he started begging and literally crying and told me he was a virgin and I decided not to go. I don't want to experience a repeat of that event. I'd never seen a guy cry before, it was quite frightening.

 

How do you leave someone when they push your pity buttons like that (crying, talking about how you're their first love, etc.)?

 

As flat as I feel about him, I haven't the heart to do it...

 

So the reason you stay is because he loves you so much and cries when you try to break up? And you just don't have the "heart" to end it?

 

Is that the only reason, cause frankly that sounds like a pretty ****ty reason to stay with him, being that you can't stand anything about him. It doesn't show heart... it is actually quite cruel!

 

Could it be because he has money by any chance, buys you things, takes you out, gives you money?

 

If so, it wouldn't be the first time a woman stayed with a man she can't stand.

 

Just wondering.....

Edited by katiegrl
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LaBelleBleu New Member

LaBelleBleu

Posted
  • Author
Posted
So the reason you stay is because he loves you so much and cries when you try to break up? And you just don't have the "heart" to end it?

 

Is that the only reason, cause frankly that sounds like a pretty ****ty reason to stay with him, being that you can't stand anything about him. It doesn't show heart... it is actually quite cruel!

 

Could it be because he has money by any chance, buys you things, takes you out, gives you money?

 

If so, it wouldn't be the first time a woman stayed with a man she can't stand.

 

Just wondering.....

 

No, your "money" idea is way off. He lives in a trailer park and has a crappy gas station attendee job. That's part of what I mean by "lacking ambition". He shows no desire to better his job or himself.

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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