Kanayay Posted October 10, 2015 Posted October 10, 2015 I've been dating this guy for six months and things have been great... So great that I decided to drop the I love you. I truly believed he loved me back based on his actions and the quality of the relationship. He was thankfully honest and told me he wasn't quite there yet. I say thankfully because even though it hurt I'm glad he was honest... At my age (23) there's way too many people who say I love you without meaning it. I've been reading similar situations on other forums and everyone says "leave"! But I don't see any solid reasoning behind it other than pity. Here's the thing: I really really don't want to! We talked about it in length and he was very frustrated with himself. He said I was the perfect girlfriend and he thinks that any day I'll be swooped up another guy and he'll lose me. he's frustrated because he doesn't know why he's not there yet, but when I asked him then where he saw this relationship going, he said he was confident love was on the horizon. I don't think he just said that to make me feel better either. He's very honest...always has been. If he didn't truly think that, then I can see him just sadly shrugging his shoulders and saying "I don't know". He's discussed moving in together, etc. I guess my question is why does everyone immediately say leave? Personal experiences/ real life stories of similar situations and their outcomes would be appreciated! Because I kind of feel like people immediately get hit with a pang of pity and sympathy hearing that I love you was said and not returned and in a very sweet and protective way immediately say well then he doesn't deserve your love! Forget him! And I appreciate that protectiveness but I don't want to be pitied or protected. Trust me, I'm actually doing ok. I want stories from people who have been through the same thing, or witnessed a loved one going through it...And if it worked or not, and why.
WaylonWoods Posted October 10, 2015 Posted October 10, 2015 It's difficult as the word 'love' means different things to different people. I guess the question is more does he feel like his feelings have escalated in those six months. If they have, but he doesn't feel he's quite in 'love' yet, then I'd be prepared to give it more time. 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted October 10, 2015 Posted October 10, 2015 People leave because when they've been in love, or been loved, they know that falling in love is something that usually happens thick and fast, it can grow over time too but six months is a long time... if you know you don't love somebody after that long, then chances are that love isn't a feeling that person is ever going to genuinely feel for you, without trying to force themselves. It sounds to me as though people in your boyfriend's situation desperately WANT to love their partner, they know it's all great on paper, they get on great, great sex, congruent plans for the future, but they just don't feel that zing you get when you're deeply in love with them, can't think about anything else but them, want to be around them all the time, want to tell everyone how amazing they are. He sounds like a decent guy, very honest, but at six months in, I can't see how love is 'on the horizon' if it isn't here already. It sounds like he's hoping he starts to feel in love with you, but I mean it's not like he said he feels 99% that way but wants to wait another few weeks to say it back to see if he's sure, he's talked about being frustrated with himself, he doesn't know why he's not there yet. It's that frustration that suggests to me he's not going to be matching up to your feelings any time soon. Although everyone's different I've never known anyone to wait six months to pop the ILY, it's usually been something that has been known within a couple of months, if I told a guy I loved him after six months and he told me he didn't feel it yet I think I'd accept that he wasn't as into me as I was into him and walk away. I'm sure there'll be tonnes of people who totally disagree with me though... Sounds like you're at peace with it anyway, which is great. Advising someone to leave isn't out of pity, at all. It's out of knowledge of what love feels like and not wanting the person to invest more time and energy into a relationship that isn't going to go where they want it to. 3
Author Kanayay Posted October 10, 2015 Author Posted October 10, 2015 People leave because when they've been in love, or been loved, they know that falling in love is something that usually happens thick and fast, it can grow over time too but six months is a long time... if you know you don't love somebody after that long, then chances are that love isn't a feeling that person is ever going to genuinely feel for you, without trying to force themselves. It sounds to me as though people in your boyfriend's situation desperately WANT to love their partner, they know it's all great on paper, they get on great, great sex, congruent plans for the future, but they just don't feel that zing you get when you're deeply in love with them, can't think about anything else but them, want to be around them all the time, want to tell everyone how amazing they are. He sounds like a decent guy, very honest, but at six months in, I can't see how love is 'on the horizon' if it isn't here already. It sounds like he's hoping he starts to feel in love with you, but I mean it's not like he said he feels 99% that way but wants to wait another few weeks to say it back to see if he's sure, he's talked about being frustrated with himself, he doesn't know why he's not there yet. It's that frustration that suggests to me he's not going to be matching up to your feelings any time soon. Although everyone's different I've never known anyone to wait six months to pop the ILY, it's usually been something that has been known within a couple of months, if I told a guy I loved him after six months and he told me he didn't feel it yet I think I'd accept that he wasn't as into me as I was into him and walk away. I'm sure there'll be tonnes of people who totally disagree with me though... . Yeah, I agree. I've been in love and been loved a couple of times before and it definitely hits hard and fast, so I'm super skeptical about him ever loving me too. I know it's not something you can force. But I've also fallen out of love a couple of times after a couple of years, which has made me really question how legitimate those first head over heels feelings are when they eventually fade. At what point is it just infatuation? At what point is it really love? I'd say love forms later in the relationship, when the other "butterfly" feelings have faded yet you still choose that person day after day. So yes, skeptical of his feelings but also relieved it's not a hurricane of emotion that might (and usually) burns out. My other thing is that he's a very attractive guy and has NO problem getting women. He literally makes heads turn when we go out. I've been told he's just keeping me around because he enjoys my company but he'll leave me when someone better happens along. Maybe if he didn't have a handful of women available to him at all times, this would be true. Or maybe I'm just trying to convince myself. I simply don't understand why someone would stay with someone they were unsure about for an extended amount of time. Wouldn't he just be wasting his time as well as mine?
Mikau Posted October 10, 2015 Posted October 10, 2015 I'm sorry if this is off topic, but in your opinion is there a difference between 'being in love' with a person and 'loving' a person? Is it possible to be in love with your SO without loving them (yet)?
Ruby Slippers Posted October 11, 2015 Posted October 11, 2015 My other thing is that he's a very attractive guy and has NO problem getting women. He literally makes heads turn when we go out. I've been told he's just keeping me around because he enjoys my company but he'll leave me when someone better happens along. Maybe if he didn't have a handful of women available to him at all times, this would be true. Or maybe I'm just trying to convince myself. If you're not really rattled that he's "not there yet" and you feel it's worth sticking around longer to see if the relationship is sustainable, that's your choice. You're right that there's an initial period of infatuation driven by lust, followed by the period after lust has died down and you can choose to stick around and love that person or not. The infatuation/lust phase is not required. There's no rock solid definition of "love". Listen to your intuition.
Stage5Clinger Posted October 11, 2015 Posted October 11, 2015 I want stories from people who have been through the same thing, or witnessed a loved one going through it...And if it worked or not, and why. I said to a girl once, "I just want to love you." I thought it was sweet but apparently it wasn't interpreted that way. She ran away fast. Really too bad though because I really did love her. People are just so afraid of love these days for some reason. It's some scary thing that instinctively we push away and self-destroy. Being a caring guy I love a lot of people. It doesn't mean anything scary. I just love them. To me it means "I would do anything for you, you're awesome, I care a lot about your well being, please don't ever leave my life." To receive that and think "Nah, **** that I'm out this guy is nuts" really makes me wonder how messed up in the head people are these days. What do those words mean to you? 1
TunaCat Posted October 11, 2015 Posted October 11, 2015 As a woman who took a VERY long time to say those three words to my now ex, don't give up on him yet. My ex said he loved me about six months in. I told him that I wasn't there yet, but that I did care for him a lot and my feelings had gotten stronger since we had begun dating. I said it shortly after our first anniversary. I thanked him profusely for not rushing me and not leaving me just because I wasn't in that place as soon as he was.
Ami1uwant Posted October 11, 2015 Posted October 11, 2015 For some love equals something more as if they only want to say I love you to the person they feel they will marry.
newmoon Posted October 11, 2015 Posted October 11, 2015 i was with a guy for 2 years before i left. people did say leave and i should have listened. i said i love you about 5 months in, and he said "i have a hard time saying i love you but my actions should tell you i do." and, he was seemingly loving, so i stayed. he never said it, not once. and it was very easy at the end for him to leave because his emotions were not fully invested. if he isn't there soon after you say it, he doesn't feel it and you should leave for your own well-being. men (and some women) use tons of reasons why they cannot say it, why they won't say it, etc. those are excuses. don't buy into the 'actions' nonsense - you need WORDS and ACTIONS together. they are not independent of one another, and a guy who cannot communicate affection will have difficulties in other areas of the relationship too, just wait and see... communication issues will come up often. you can give him a small time frame, but not much leeway imo
Versacehottie Posted October 11, 2015 Posted October 11, 2015 People have a tendency to tell you that on forums because they are bitter and don't have to hide it as much. As far as you and your bf go, people don't necessarily reach that point at the same time. My friend is married to her guy that did this to her at right around 6 months. He couldn't say it and in her mind she was planning the wedding. She is very attractive and had a million other options of guys. He's just more reserved. It makes sense to me that he didn't say it when she did. He's slower, steadier but means what he says. Not impulsive or false at all. I think for him saying it meant that yes they were headed toward marriage so he was being cautious, I think. He didn't want to disappoint or mislead. I think he said it about 4-6 weeks after. My advice to you would be (especially since you sound strong and level-headed) is to stay in what by all appears sounds like a good relationship--and then keep your eye on it. You are the only one who can decide if and when it's not good enough for you that he has said it back. Right away he told you how he was going to address it so I would make sure he is doing that (without pressure on him--if someone says that under duress it loses it's meaning LOL!) I think 4-8 weeks from now, if I were in your shoes and providing you spend a decent amount of time together, feels like enough time to come to that decision. The only other thing I would say is that if he is 23 like you, he may be both a little overwhelmed with the seriousness of the relationship AND realistic and therefore overly practical about saying it. For example, if he absolutely only believes you say something like that if you are on a pathway to marriage or similar--he might be practically thinking 23 is a little on young side (for him) to be considering those things. I don't happen to agree because you can love someone even if it's for a period in your life that you later grow out of---but some people can be much more practical that than. If he's considering the seriousness of the relationship realize that for a lot of guys the loss of "freedom" at a young age by being in a LTR can be a much bigger leap for them than us.
acrosstheuniverse Posted October 11, 2015 Posted October 11, 2015 Yeah, I agree. I've been in love and been loved a couple of times before and it definitely hits hard and fast, so I'm super skeptical about him ever loving me too. I know it's not something you can force. But I've also fallen out of love a couple of times after a couple of years, which has made me really question how legitimate those first head over heels feelings are when they eventually fade. At what point is it just infatuation? At what point is it really love? I'd say love forms later in the relationship, when the other "butterfly" feelings have faded yet you still choose that person day after day. So yes, skeptical of his feelings but also relieved it's not a hurricane of emotion that might (and usually) burns out. I think a lot of people confuse love with infatuation, I know that I have said it to someone new anywhere between a couple months after starting dating to about four months, I knew at the time that two months isn't very long to KNOW you love someone, as in, you'd do anything for them, put their happiness above your own, make sacrifices for them, but I felt it at the time. I think that butterfly infatuation stage is all part of the package and when I've had guys tell me after two months they love me and then at five months they've left because they don't feel the same anymore I don't feel angry and 'but you said you love me!' I just accept it's hard to tell the difference apart. After months and months once the daily grind settles in and you've progressed into meeting all of their friends and family, live together, spend tonnes more time together, have dealt with a few problems you can be sure that infatuation has worn off and you're truly in love... but I don't know, I think it's really hard to have that long lasting 'love' without having had the period where you're besotted by each other, everything feels amazing... it seems like true love is what's left when that's burnt away, but without it I can't see how you're into each other enough to last through the long haul. But again, that's just me. Your guy sounds like he deeply WANTS to love you, he can enjoy your company, be pleased he's found someone so compatible and just be frustrated he doesn't feel the full depth of emotions he wants to feel for you. In which case I just can't see it working out (Especially as he's saying things like being afraid someone else will come along and steal you... if he knew that you two had formed a really solid bond that comes from both being crazy about other he probably wouldn't be thinking that, as it shows he's worrying he isn't enough for you) but you might be the outlier. As it hasn't exactly frazzled you, give it some time. He knows you're there now, so I'm sure another couple months he'll either tell you it himself or think about ending things if he figures he just doesn't feel that way. Up until now he had no idea whether you felt it or not, but now he does know I think it'll speed things up to some kind of conclusion. 1
pcs13 Posted October 16, 2015 Posted October 16, 2015 I've been there. I was in the exact the same situation with my bf of a year. I was so confident that he would say it back, I even thought he loved me more than I did him. Nope. He said he wasn't sure about love, that he cared about me but love was something really difficult for him to say and he wanted to make sure he means it when he says the word. I felt exactly how you're feeling now. I didn't feel like I need to leave him for that reason because he was acting like he loves me, it's just he doesn't know and our definition about love is just a bit different. 2 months after I said I loved him. He broke things off said since then he thought about it everyday and he didn't see it coming because it has been 6 months and it didn't happen and he couldn't know when. So I was really sad about it but I moved on. He came back to say he realised he did love me, not his ideal of love but with my definition he definitely loved me. So we got back together..for about 4 5 months until he broke up with me again. He said he loved me but there was something was not right. He always afraid I would love him more than he could ever love me. He couldn't explain how he felt about the relationship but it was just not right you know? What could I do? I moved on again and he wanted me again! Well by that time I've realised life is too short for being with a guy who couldn't love you the way you want! You deserve whatever you want in love. People settle in life all the time and "ok" and "fine" are enough for them but please never do that with love... There are many guys out there who can be crazy about you and make you feel the same way about him! Think about it!
candie13 Posted October 16, 2015 Posted October 16, 2015 people stay in RS to have their needs met. Sometimes it's material needs, other times it's sexual needs, other times it's egotistic needs (especially if the partner is highly attractive) ... and other times it's emotional needs. The point is not if your bf said "I love you" or not. The point is that you don't feel frustrated or disappointed or abandoned because your partner's isn't sharing your affection. Feeling one is loved, hearing one is loved, showing one is loved, these are at the very core of a RS. That is why most people on this forum say "leave". But maybe you don't feel that frustration. Yet. Or maybe having such an attractive man obviously appreciating you to stay with you even though he is not inlove with you is enough of an ego strike to not be that bothered of where he is emotionally... I didn't feel a lot of empathy at your end for him or that you are trying to decipher where he is emotionally... On the contrary, you seem very happy to "buy" his explanation and not question him or the situation any deeper. Careful not to cling onto him for other reasons than love, ok ?
kendahke Posted October 16, 2015 Posted October 16, 2015 I've been dating this guy for six months and things have been great... So great that I decided to drop the I love you. I truly believed he loved me back based on his actions and the quality of the relationship. He was thankfully honest and told me he wasn't quite there yet. I say thankfully because even though it hurt I'm glad he was honest... At my age (23) there's way too many people who say I love you without meaning it. I've been reading similar situations on other forums and everyone says "leave"! But I don't see any solid reasoning behind it other than pity. Here's the thing: I really really don't want to! We talked about it in length and he was very frustrated with himself. He said I was the perfect girlfriend and he thinks that any day I'll be swooped up another guy and he'll lose me. he's frustrated because he doesn't know why he's not there yet, but when I asked him then where he saw this relationship going, he said he was confident love was on the horizon. I don't think he just said that to make me feel better either. He's very honest...always has been. If he didn't truly think that, then I can see him just sadly shrugging his shoulders and saying "I don't know". He's discussed moving in together, etc. I guess my question is why does everyone immediately say leave? Personal experiences/ real life stories of similar situations and their outcomes would be appreciated! Because I kind of feel like people immediately get hit with a pang of pity and sympathy hearing that I love you was said and not returned and in a very sweet and protective way immediately say well then he doesn't deserve your love! Forget him! And I appreciate that protectiveness but I don't want to be pitied or protected. Trust me, I'm actually doing ok. I want stories from people who have been through the same thing, or witnessed a loved one going through it...And if it worked or not, and why. Because if he doesn't know by 6 months of being involved with you what his undeniable feelings are for you, then it's a good chance that he's not going to get there, either by circumstance or intent. All of the men I've dealt with over the course of my dating life knew what they felt by 6 weeks in. Some of those relationships didn't last; some did; one went for 13 years. If you want to stay with someone who isn't confident in his feelings for you, especially with him saying "any day you'll be swooped up by another guy and he'll lose you...", in the hopes that one day, some day, maybe he'll get around to feeling love for you, then that's your choice; and good luck with it--it's time and youth you won't get back. By the 6 month mark, if love was what he felt for you, then love should be knocking on his door, not hanging out on some mythical horizon. Those are some pretty, hope-filled words wrapped around that hook you're about to bite through your cheek on. I watched my best friend from high school waste 10 years on a guy she loved with all her heart, but he couldn't bring himself to reciprocate those feelings. He fed her enough bread crumbs for her to debase herself over and over to the point where she would become friends with the chicks he would be seriously dating on the side as a way to keep some kind of contact with him because she loved him so much. She ended up alone and really messed up... and even after him marrying one of them, she agreed to be his mistress. That's when I had to put her down and let her go destroy herself over him. Question for you is: how much time and youth are you willing to spend behind someone who at the 6 month mark still can't figure out what he feels? He's a grown man, not an 8 yr old.
pcs13 Posted October 16, 2015 Posted October 16, 2015 The Rules Revisited: Men Don't Fall in Love the Same Way Women Do A good article for you to read. Here he explains how men fall in love and it doesn happen gradually like us women do. It either happens early or not happen at all. I think by 6 months he should have known. Some people know but they can't express it by words it's different but obviously that is not your case.
Miss Peach Posted October 16, 2015 Posted October 16, 2015 i was with a guy for 2 years before i left. people did say leave and i should have listened. i said i love you about 5 months in, and he said "i have a hard time saying i love you but my actions should tell you i do." and, he was seemingly loving, so i stayed. he never said it, not once. and it was very easy at the end for him to leave because his emotions were not fully invested. if he isn't there soon after you say it, he doesn't feel it and you should leave for your own well-being. men (and some women) use tons of reasons why they cannot say it, why they won't say it, etc. those are excuses. don't buy into the 'actions' nonsense - you need WORDS and ACTIONS together. they are not independent of one another, and a guy who cannot communicate affection will have difficulties in other areas of the relationship too, just wait and see... communication issues will come up often. you can give him a small time frame, but not much leeway imo I've been in this situation too and I didn't feel right because I didn't feel the guy had both feet in the relationship. That is why people say to run. Because sometimes someone never grows into love but lets the relationship keep going because it's good enough. Only you will have the information to know whether you believe you BF is all in. Having said that there are a lot of people who won't say that until 6 months minimum so I think you are fine to stay longer if you do believe his actions say all in. Not sure if you ever have read Evan Marc Katz's blog but he has an interesting quote along the lines of it's easier to tell when something is wrong than when something is right. He talks about how his wife wasn't anything like what he thought he wanted but he didn't know she was the one until after they married. Could this be what your BF is grappling with? maybe things are different than what he thought should happen?
empresario Posted October 16, 2015 Posted October 16, 2015 Honestly, English is a terrible language for verbally expressing love. As such we have a subjective word that can mean a lot or mean very little. The whole 'he said or did not say it' thing is bogus. Look at what he does and how he acts around you. Words are trite. Actions mean something...and you've had 6 months to figure out those actions. Any machine learning algorithm would tell you you've seen enough good and bad couples do accumulate enough seed data to determine if his actions implicate love! Sorry, went nerd there for a second. 1
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