Contacted my ex for the last time

[Christos]

Hello everyone. My name is Christos, i am 32 and live in Greece. I discovered this site while googling for answers regarding my situation. I read many topics on this forum so i said, what the hell, i might as well share my experience too. It is really difficult for me to cope with my break up, so maybe i need to talk about it a little. Sorry for any mistakes in my use of the english language, i am not a native speaker.

 

I met my ex back in June of 2009, 6 years ago. I was 26 and she was 25 then. I never had been in a serious relationship before. My only experience with women up until then, was at my 20, a short relationship of 2 months. I had my chances, but i really wanted to not waste my feelings on women i dont really want and focus on getting "the one". It maybe was a mistake, but that was the way i thought at that time. Based on my Christian values as well.

 

Things were somewhat rocky in the beginning. She seemed like a nice person, but she also seemed to have mental issues and lots of anger for her EXs. She talked to me about the past, said she had 2 relationships before me, one of 6 years and one of almost a year, that the first 6-year one was with a total jerk, who didnt appreciate her, made her feel bad about herself, made her have an abortion etc. She eventually decided to abandon him, and met someone at work. She said that the second one cheated on her, and was a player, so she abandoned him as well after almost a year and decided to give a chance to her first guy. She said she wanted to see if he became serious about finishing his studies and marrying her. But he didnt change, according to her, so she broke up with him again. And met myself.

 

I am telling all these because i think they are important. But anyway, back to my relationship, she used to have major issues at first. She was angry, argued with me a lot, she was crying a lot, hell, she was crying when we first met... She sometimes became hysterical. I though she was crazy... Funny thing, she sometimes said so herself...

 

I tried to make her heal. I stood my ground, made her apologize everytime she did something wrong. But i was always there for her, being patient and calm. In the end, she became better. She began calming down, and improving her life. She had abandoned her University, and didnt want to start again, but with my encouragement and support, she finished and began her carreer. Many times she admitted that i shaped her into a better person. Her words.

 

She became a better mate for me. Cared about me, cooking for me, buying me gifts, cleaning for me, making plans and dreams with me about getting married and having a family. We had agreed that as soon as we had a stable financial future, we would create a family. I wholeheartedly wanted that.

 

Fast forward a few years. Our relationship began having problems again. I had some personal and some carreer/financial issues. I was out of stable work (Greece is in a bad situation right now...), i had serious issues and problems with my sick mother, i had some arguments with my family, i had some health issues, i gained weight... I became depressed, and began spending much time on my pc procrastinating. She was supportive at first, but quickly she lost her respect for me. She still did things for me, but her tongue became more harsh, we often fought with each other, she was saying i didnt try enough to make things work. That made the problems worse for me, because instead of having her support to go through all this, she added to the fire...

 

Eventually, we had a talk, and i said "look, i know i was depressed, and i stopped trying for a few months, and it was a big mistake, but i was really down psychologically. I know that and i want to improve. I will fix everything, just give me some time, and please, dont add to the fire, dont fight with me, support me through this". She agreed, and said she will wait.

 

But she never did. She continued acting like this. On the other hand, i made good on my promise, and began hard work to improve my situation on every front. I lost weight, i went to the gym, i found work, i stopped wasting time on my pc etc. She didnt seem to care. Early may, close to my birthday, she was at her hometown with her family and we had a fight because she said to me "all who know me say that you are taking too long to commit, that you are not serious and you dont love me and you mock me". And i was sad and angry. I responded that she knows the situation, that we had a talk and agreed to give me some time, and that she shouldnt listen to people who dont know me and allow this to influence our relationship. She is in a relationship with me, not with the other people...

 

This ended in her not wanting to talk to me, and i spend the week around my birthday alone. After many phonecalls and emails, she agreed to meet, we had a talk again, re-agreed to give it time and make our lives better. But again, i continued keeping my part, she didnt.

 

Eventually, i got really angry at this. There were suspicions on my mind that she had found someone else, because she began going to the gym, looking after her appearence, acting bad to me and with no respect, sometimes working overtime, sometimes canceling dates. Nothing major, but those were red flags. One day during the last week of May, i called her after she was supposed to finish work to meet before i go to work, and she didnt pick up the phone. For 2 hours. She was supposed to finish work at 5pm, and until 7pm, she didnt pick up. Then i got an email at 9:30pm, saying how are you? I got angry, called her after work, and told her "that this is not acceptable. You are acting really bad lately, and its better to break up to think what you want. Take some time and think".

 

One of the reasons i got so angry, was because prior to this, she had been very jealous of me. I am not an unattractive man. There have been many women during those 6 years who approached me. Some were at work. I never cheated, but she hated the attention i got. She was really mad at that. She hated when i didnt respond at work, and made a scene everytime. So, when she did the same to me, i said "wtf, if i had acted this way, she would be pissed, why i have to accept this?".

 

We broke up for 3 weeks. During those weeks, we had some contact. Mostly an exchange of emails. She told me how much she loved me, that she loved me "incredibly much", that "i am so much important to her", that "she doesnt want to lose me from her life". After those 3 weeks, i asked her to tell me what she decided. She said she wanted to be single, she wasnt ready to be in a relationship right now. But still wanted to remain in contact with me and maybe try again in the future.

 

I told her this is unacceptable to me, than when it's over it's over. I asked her if she had another person. She initially refused it, but after me pressuring her, and providing her with signs that there was something going on, she admitted that there was someone who had gotten into her mind. She said nothing had happened, that she didnt even speak to him. She said though that he was very different from me. I was confused, and asked how she knows he is so different if they dont speak? Not an answer...

 

She said i left open space for someone else to creep into her mind. And she had lost her mind with him, and she felt she had betrayed me, and it was unacceptable to her, so we cant be together again. I responded that if nothing physical had happened, and if she hadnt persued anything, we could still salvage the situation because i love her. And i would be willing to forgive this, even though it was bad and it did hurt me, if she made an effort too.

 

I told her also that because she admitted there is another, that i am not willing to wait for her to make up her mind because i dont trust her. I said that i will be waiting you today at my home to talk. If you dont come, it is over for me.

 

She did come. She came crying. She cried a lot. I told her that i still love her. That i want to make everything right. She just cried. Didnt say many things. We had sex twice. Then she left.

 

Next day after work we met for half an hour in her car. She told me that she wanted to make a new start with me, a fresh start. I said ok, thats what i want to do too. She said to me "i want some freedom, some space, i want to have interests and do things without you". It was then that something was wrong. I told her that for 6 years, i never pressured her. She was always free to do what she wanted. I was confused about this. I said that the only freedom i didnt give her, was the freedom to date other men. I was never clingy on her. I was always a freedom type of guy.

 

I said if the freedom she seeks is to look for her options, then that is not acceptable to me. We ended that brief date, and agreed to meet the next day after my work.

 

We talked a little the next day, before the date, and new issues had come up. A few days ago i had said to her that i had found out that she had a new facebook account. She began thinking i was stalking her, and talking about violating her privacy. But i never did this. I accidentally found out. I told her that her fears make me uncomfortable because she seems like having something to hide. She cancelled our date, and said she was angry at me.

 

I called her after my work, and told her that i am at the place of the date, and i will be waiting there all night. She did come. But she was very angry, she asked me to break up. She told me that she knows i love her deeply, and she loves me too, but we aren't meant for each other. She refused that she was seeing someone. She said that she is willing to take the risk to lose me, or even remain forever alone. She said i was blacking her soul. That she didnt really believe my promises anymore, that she even if i did change she didnt want me anymore. I did ask her, looking in her eyes, "so you want me to leave?". She looked away, cried, and didnt respond. I left.

 

2 months have passed since then. I initiated some contact, some emails some phonecalls. She was always very cold and distant, saying she wishes me well and wants me to be happy, but doesnt want to be with me anymore. Sometimes she was angry, said to me "i am abandoning you and nothing you can do to stop it, i may come back, i may not, but it will be MY decision and you are powerless". Yup, she actually said that to me. She was saying all the time that i changed, that she doesn't know who i am, that the man i am now is someone that she would never date. Although i am confused at this, because i really, didn't do or say anything bad.

 

Eventually, we stopped communicating. The last thing she had said, was "i have decided that we had a really good thing that we couldn't make bloom, and now i decided we are over". Last few days i tried to communicate to her because it is her name day, and i wanted to wish her well. I tried facebook(i made an account recently, didnt have one), she blocked me immediately. I tried calling, she put me on blocklist. I sent an email, and today she replied that she thanks me for my wishes, and she wishes me well and good luck, but asked me to stop contacting her. I will do that. But it hurts.

 

Thats how my relationship with the love of my life ended after 6 years. I know i made many mistakes, some were entirely my responsibility and some were out of my control. She made many mistakes too. I know i may not have handled the last months situation well, but if she indeed had strayed and found another, then i really wouldnt want her back anyway.

 

I just find it difficult to forget about her and move on. I know its the right thing to do, but it is easier said than done. I still love her. I also find myself wanting to learn the truth, if she cheated on me or she is telling the truth and hasn't found someone. Sometimes i catch myself thinking about her having a bad future and regretting her decision to leave me, but then i feel ashamed of myself and wish her well.

 

I really dont want to see her unhappy.

 

What hurts me most is that i think that most things were solvable. I am better now than a year ago, far better. In a better shape, better money-wise, better mood. If she only could have waited a little more... But then again, if she couldnt wait for me, she doesnt deserve me. I believe i stood by her when she needed me, but she abandoned me when i needed her the most.

 

That is life. Sorry for the big post. I just needed to say that.

Edited September 1, 2015 by Christos

[drseuss]

Well I'm sorry you are hurting and have clearly been through alot with this woman and I don't doubt you love each other very much , however you are at the start of what could be a long on off relationship , spending years breaking up and getting back together, this is very damaging in the long run and makes a unhappy relationship.

 

She has been very clear with saying that she doesn't want to be with you ,she wants to be single and that she may come back in the future

 

The best thing you can do is step back and give her the time and space to think about things, if you are contacting her and talking to her all the time it will be stopping her from thinking clearly about you and will push her away .

 

Go full no contact and do your best to move on from her ,if she decides she wants you back she will reach out ! But this could take many many months so don't hang around and wait , I know it's horrible right now but by taking it one day at a time you will feel a little better each week that passes

 

Spend time with other people that are close to you and keep busy ,i know it's easy to just look at all the best parts of what you had as a couple but also look at all the bad points of your relationship with her and ask yourself if that's what you really want ,

Edited September 1, 2015 by drseuss

[Christos]

Thank you drseuss for your reply.

 

Well, there were good things in our relationship. The thing i liked most is that we could really talk and discuss things. We never stopped doing that. We always had good communication. We had many things in common, like our love for animals. We both were "house people", we weren't really about partying all night. She was a good cook, she was clean and really hard-working. I respected that. She could make a good wife.

 

The bad things are that she was too insecure, jealous, vindictive (every little thing she perceived as "wrongdoing" to her, she wanted to either do it herself or she bitched a lot about it), grampy, clingy and needy. She was really angry at the rest of the people, many times she thought people were animals and stupid. I always hated that about her. Plus, now that she isn't hearing/looking: She was awful in bed. Really boring and bad. But, at least she tried her best...

 

Last but not least, and to be perfectly honest, the truth is that i could do better than her... I know it's a cruel thing to say, but during our 6 year old relationship, i have had many pretty women coming to me, far hotter than her. This doesn't mean i don't love her. I made the concious choice to remain faithful to her, knowing that i could have had prettier women. She was jealous of it though... She never allowed me near a non-relative woman. She perceived all of them as threats. I did allow myself to flirt a little with coworkers mostly (nothing serious, never communicating outside of work, never intending to do something more, never suggesting anything). I did it when things weren't good, i wasn't feeling appreciated by her, so i boosted my self esteem by mildly flirting with attractive women. With no intention of cheating, ever. I know it is wrong, and since i was always sincere and true to my ex, i told her everything. Not to make her jealous, but because i thought she had the right to know. I think that was the second mistake, the first being flirting in the first place... She admitted to me lately that she couldn't get over that fact.

 

Up until now, i had been communicating with her because i wanted to fix our relationship. I decided to respect her wish, and will leave her alone. But the thought of her either cheating on me (and not admitting it), or even having sex with another during our separation, is eating me from inside.

 

I know in our modern society having sex when you are in a break up is not considered cheating per se, but to me it is still the same. She still chose to have another man instead of me, it doesn't matter if we were together or not. The mere thought of me hurting, crying, being alone, having the worst summer of my life, and her having fun and giving herself to another man, makes me never want her anywhere near me.

 

The only thing that keeps me hanging on to her, is the thought that maybe, just maybe, she is telling me the truth and hasn't been with anyone yet. That she just wants to be single to relax and think. That she wants to re-evaluate our relationship. To clear her head. Maybe to see me change the things she said she didn't like about me, to see if i will be more willing to commit to her and work harder/make more sacrifices.

 

This still doesn't make what she did right, but since i still love her, i might forgive her for them. For having sex with another man, no way!

 

That's why i can't wait for her. If, after all the effort i did, if after everything i said and done, after every offer i made to fix our relationship, she refused to come back and give us a chance, then chances are, her needs are already met by someone else. More than 2 months have passed since we last met and had sex. We lost an entire summer. At some point, she has needs too. Physical and emotional. If after all this effort, she still doesn't want me to cover those needs, then i just have to assume she has someone else. And at that point, i don't care if she regretts her decision. I don't care if she comes back. I won't take her back.

Edited September 2, 2015 by Christos

[drseuss]

Well you should be very proud that you stayed faithful to her through rough times and you clearly ae looking at this for both side accepting what is good and what is bad

 

You must accept that her bad points are most likely there to stay and are they something you can live with , I think staying in no contact will allow you both to really think clearly , it's amazing what time apart can do , remember there is damage done now with trust issues and breaking up and it can be hard for people to forget that and could hinder your relationship if you wee to get back together

[Christos]

One thing that stands out to me, is that i stood by her when she needed to heal, stand up on her feet, and improve her life, but when i was down, she walked away, maybe even cheated on me.

 

I sent her a last email after her reply yesterday, saying that it will definitely be the last. I explained that i can understand where i failed, and i am improving a lot, and would like to have a chance to show her my new improved self. I explained to her that if she hasn't moved on with someone else, then giving us a chance is worth it.

 

It was actually more than that, more detailed, but you get the idea. I believe i have done my part, i will never contact her again unless she initiates.

 

I also believe that if she still loves me (or ever trully loved me for that matter), she will definitely be moved by this message. If she doesn't love me or has another man in her life, then obviously she won't.

 

I have decided that if she doesn't give us a chance real soon, like 1-2 weeks, i will stop hoping and holding my self behind. I will move on and NEVER give her another chance. It will be obvious to me then that she doesn't really love me. If she did, she would still want to be with me and would be afraid to lose me.

[HeaderIsBack]

This is SO similar to my story.

 

Exgf who has her problems, you help her become a better person. I also went into a hard phase, gained weight, became a little depressed, etc., and she dumped me, saying that I became too comfortable in the relationship (later found out that 2 onths after breaking up she had found someone new).

 

First red flag should've been her going back to her ex, even after what he did to her. How long were they together before she finally realized he was the same person?

 

Try to move on. It's hard, but if she really loves you and appreciates what you did for her, she will come back someday. If she doesn't appreciate it, then you don't want her in your life. Stay strong.

[Christos]

First red flag should've been her going back to her ex, even after what he did to her. How long were they together before she finally realized he was the same person?

 

Thank you for your kind words. To answer your question, if i recall correctly, she had been in a relationship with her ex for 6-7 years, then found another one for less than a year, around 8-10 months, then went back to her ex for like 2-3 months.

 

For some reason, i believe she will (want to) repeat the pattern...

 

Plus, i know it hurts, it hurts me as well, but i don't really believe your ex found the new man 2 months after your break up. Just then it was revealed....

 

It is true that women are like monkeys, never let go of a branch until they hold firm the next one... And i am afraid my ex has done the same...

 

PS: Sometimes i wonder if her ex really treated her that bad. She said i treated her really bad too. By the way she talked about me during our break up, one could think i am a psychopath or something. I was really shocked about this. And what shocked me even more, she mirrored myself in some way. Whatever i found her doing wrong, she said i did it too. She is the one who changed, she said i changed, she is the one who acted selfish, she said i was selfish etc...

Edited September 2, 2015 by Christos

[Greekboy]

Christo I feel for you man, like you said it sounds exactly like what I described in my post! Girls with mental issues I suppose? I feel your pain and loss

[drseuss]

i think saying youll give her one or two weeks just insnt long enought it could take her 6 months , so what you need to do it move on and if shes does come back in a few months hopefully you will be indiferent about the realtionship and will be able to make a clear and honest choice about getting back togetherand if you really want her, at the moment you are upset , hurt and feeling alot of emotion , as is she

 

give it time

[Christos]

Actually, for some reason, i have already made the choice to move on, no matter if she comes back or not.

 

After she showed me her true colors, showed me that she doesn't love me, at least not in the way i loved her, made me slowly begin to get over her.

 

It's not a fast process, and i don't think i am in a position to 100% say i don't want her back or i am over her. BUT, it is more than 50%...

 

What really pushes me away from her, is her total disrespect for me and my feelings and needs. She turned into a cruel monster, showing no pity, no remorse, no second thoughts, showing interest only in her immediate benefit, no matter what she perceives at the moment as such.

 

I kept messaging her with the hope that she was just hurt, confused, tired maybe, bored, or afraid of me not really wanting commitment. So in my messages i tried to make her understand that i can forgive and forget things like that, if we try to work on our relationship. I will also forgive cheating, but will not forget, and the relationship is over. I told her that as well.

 

During the last month, her responses were too much cold, too much "formal", distant, and heartless. And she showed in many cases total disrespect for me.

 

Her last message, was totally disrespectful. She finished it by wishing me "Good luck and good brains".

 

This doesn't make me angry. It doesn't make me sad anymore. To be totally truthful, i am beginning to not give a damn about what this woman thinks of me. She has said so many awful things about me, that now i know she just wants to put me in a bad light, and has no real basis on reality.

 

I don't need her approval anymore, and i am not allowing her to lower my self-esteem. I know i can do better than her. I knew it before the break up too.

 

I don't even want to get revenge, or even be spiteful. I don't care if she pays for this in any manner or if she is rewarded with a billionaire, bodybuilder, top model, dedicated-to-her husband. I just don't give a fk anymore...

 

I think i will survive

Edited September 3, 2015 by Christos

[Christos]

Hello. 12 days ago, i shared my story in this thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/545713-breaking-up-after-6-years

 

I contacted her again. Yesterday we spoke on the phone for about 40 minutes. I asked her too. She didn't want it at first, but she agreed to speak with me.

 

I asked if her decision to break up was final, and if she would be ok for me to date and have sex with other women. I had been holding on in the hope that she changed her mind.

 

She was very angry from the moment she answered the phone. She called me an ahole several times, she said i have screwed up too much. She said there is no chance in a million to give another try to our relationship. After the 10 minute mark, she began crying too. She cried for most of the duration of the phonecall.

 

I asked her if she had dated another man and she answered "sadly no" and later "none makes a move on me". I tried to get an explanation on why she is so angry with me, why she is so 100% sure she doesn't want to give us another chance. She kept repeating that she was hurt about things i had said to her and she can't get over that.

 

I explained i can see my mistakes, i apologized for them, and asked her to give me another chance, since now i will make them right. No change in her behaviour at all.

 

In the end, she told me that her father and brother are mad at me, and if they find out i keep calling her they will come to my house and beat me up. She told me she would throw her phone number away and delete her email accounts. I told her to not do that, and that i won't get in touch again.

 

She wished me to have fun with other women, and be happy with them. She told me she will never upset my life, never contact me again. I said goodbye, she didn't. And that was it.

 

I am really confused about all this. Although i have made many mistakes, none of these are THAT serious and warrant this kind of behaviour. I really DO NOT UNDERSTAND HER. I am not the monster she makes me appear to be. Why she does this?

 

I really would love your opinions on the matter.

 

She admitted she still loves me. She cries and is too emotional when speaking to me. She fiercely insists there is no other man and she is single. She insists we can't have another chance. She can see i understood where i was wrong, she has heard my apologies many times, she knows i love her, she can see i have already done many things to improve our situation, yet she won't change her mind.

 

And now she told me her family is angry with me. She told me that she won't take "pills" for me and she won't become crazy because of me (she also added that i should know she is not the most stable person in the world). She told me her life is a disaster right now, and she is always sad and angry and yells at people.

 

I don't understand. For 6 years i had always been nice to her. We were a good couple. We shared many good moments and memories. I never cheated on her, never hit her, never treated her without respect. Sure, after i break up, sometimes i answered in anger and said some not-so-good things about her. And i have regretted this, but she kept acting like she had been cheating on me, and she didn't communicate well, so i got angry and sentimental.

 

Still, she is guilty of this too. And this is not a reason to throw away our love and our 6 years together, and our plans to make a family.

 

Can someone help me understand?

Edited September 11, 2015 by Christos

[Oregon_Dude]

You're never going to understand her. She's toxic for you. Sounds like a mean b*tch.

 

You give pretty solid advice on here, so you should understand that this is a cut-and-run, don't-look-back kind of situation.

 

NC, amigo. This woman is trouble.

[Christos]

I have written about my break up before:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/545713-breaking-up-after-6-years

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/547341-i-don-t-understand-her

 

A month has passed since i first wrote about it, and in truth i feel a lot better. I am also dating with another woman and things seem to go well. I am taking it really slow.

 

The only thing that bothers me, is that i never got closure. This woman was very important to me. I truly loved her. She will never understand the love i had for her, even though i wasn't the best man at all times. I keep wondering, WHY?

 

I have made attempts to contact her, to persuade her to explain the truth to me. They never worked. She is stubborn and refuses to discuss anything regarding our break up with me. She keeps parroting the same things every time, that i am an "ahole", that "i destroyed her life" (seriously?), that she has nothing to do with me. When i try to argue about it, and provide evidence that i was a positive influence in her life, loved her, and treated her right, she stonewalls and refuses to talk any more. She even threatened me that her family will come to my house and beat me, or that she will contact the woman i am currently dating and tell her "everything".

 

I don't want her back at this stage. And frankly, i am beginning to lose my feelings for her. I am becoming indifferent. But i still want to know the truth about our break up. I want to know if she was sincere with me and truly loved me, or she was a liar and a hypocrite.

 

So, long story short:

 

1) She became distant, started arguing with me, finding faults she never did before with me, hitting the gym etc.

 

2) After an argument, i told her that the way she treats me is wrong, that we need some time apart for her to make up her mind, and i broke up with her

 

3) During those 3 weeks, she kept contacting me, saying she loves me increadibly much, that she doesn't want to lose me from her life etc

 

4) After 3 weeks, i asked her if she made up her mind about us, and she said she doesn't want a relationship, she needs to be single right now, that she wants to be my friend, and that maybe in a day or a month or a year, we might be together again

 

5)i immediately thought there is someone else, and pressured her and provided evidence for it, and after 3 days she admitted she had "lost her mind" for someone else. She blamed me for "leaving space for him to enter". She said she never talked to him and avoided him, that she wanted to first clear the situation with us before doing anything.

 

6) I told her that i can forgive her for liking another man, if she starts working with me. She came to my home, had sex 2 times. Next day, she asked me to have a more "free" relationship, with less "pressure", and start from scratch. I told her that i was never pressuring her for anything, that she had all the freedom she wanted to do stuff, and i don't understand what it is she wants more freedom about...

 

7) 2 days later, she was really angry with me, we met for the last time, and told me that she knows for a fact i truly love her, and that she loves me as well, but we are not meant for each other and need to break up.

 

8) After that, we had communication, always started by me, trying to get answers, trying to fix things, trying to give us a chance, while she stonewalled. She refused that she was seeing anyone, and told me to stop contacting her. Even up until 3 weeks ago, she kept denying she had met anyone else.

 

That is the short version. Obviously, many details ommited. What i believe, is that she did in fact cheat on me, she had been cheating on me for a while, during our break up she kept seeing the guy, and decided after 3 weeks that she couldn't keep us both so she ended up with him, all the while denying me the truth and the closure i needed.

 

What do you think?

 

PS: She told many suspicious things, like for example she told me that her parents worry because she went out all the time during our first 3 week separation, but later when i asked her where did she go she said she only went out 4 times with her brother... We had a serious fight because she thought i had access to her email accounts, and screamed about "privacy". She then told me that i might had seen an email about her booking a hotel room, and that it was for her cousin. Of course, i am not a creep, and never looked into her emails, which i regret, i did have the codes to EVERYTHING, but i was naive and never looked... She changed all codes...

[ManyDissapoint]

To me it sounds like there was something fishy going on. Physical cheating? Maybe. Emotional cheating? Probably.

 

Unfortunately man, you will never know. Sounds like this woman (like most in my experience, and definitely like my last ex) values her reputation much more than your feelings, so you will sooner get blood from a stone than any admission from her.

 

I think you will never know with certainty unless you do some hardcore investigation and spying. Honestly that's just not worth it. Put it behind you and move on.

 

Just like you I suspected cheating, although I have less evidence than even you. I will never know, and I have come to terms with that. It took me almost a year though.

[Samuel_22]

Hi Christos I am happy you feel better

The way I see things she was probably completely confused, it happens sometimes, you are with somebody and then all of a sudden out of nowhere someone shows up and unintentionally or maybe intentionally you start to click and then you become confused, you won't know your mind anymore, but you have to make a decision, the decision can be a good one, or the bad one...only time will tell you whether the decision was worth it or not...my intuition tells me, this is the case here, so she met that person, they started to click, and the more intimate they became, the colder she became towards you, yet she was not over you entirely. The mistake that you made was to contact her, specially when they were on their honeymoon, if the guy is a new guy and is not an ex, the honeymoon will take up to 6 months...You can't get anything from your ex until then, she might express regret after this period, might not... The thing is that it is over, and the harder you try to understand what happened, the more confused you become. In the meantime you will allow too much space for your ex in your mind which is indeed another big mistake...she has thrown the towel, you should throw the towel too... It takes some time for you, I am on day 51 of NC and on day 60 post BU... she left me for an ex, if you remember, I am getting better and better every day, indifference might seem something far-fetched, there are still days I feel really bad... but that is life, who knows the future, she might come back, might not... but I don't have much choice but to leave things behind and live my own life...

Did she cheat? depends on the definition of cheating on your mind, my definition of cheating? to be with someone, and feel you are in love with someone else too... even this is cheating...so in this definition....Yes she cheated on you

[Christos]

A little update on my situation. I haven't kept NC with her, and i know it is bad.

 

I have sent her some messages, to some she replied. I have pinpointed the things were I did wrong, and explained to her that if we could make a brand new start, i would improve on all those things, providing she would work on her issues as well. She replied that she isn't interested anymore, that i took too long to "wake up" about my faults. She was overly dramatic though and blew out those things out of proportion, again. She even said i destroyed her life, which is complete nonsense, her life during our RS improved considerably on all fronts. I never did anything really bad to her, my faults were mainly of the "me being boring and depressed" variety. Plus, she wanted me to commit and propose, and i didn't in a timely fashion, financial troubles be damned...

 

But, i said something else too. The reason i sent her those messages, was because by dating another woman, discussing our future, our past issues etc with her, i began seeing things that might have been mistakes in another light. And i wrote this to her... I even gave some details about the new woman, and my ex through social networks, found her LinkedIn profile... She sent me an email saying "if you ever contact me again, i will forward all those messages to her, try me".

 

I stopped contacting her, partly because i didn't want her to do this, and partly because i was angry she could threaten me like this, all the while i was being gentle and just expressed my feelings to her. But now that i stopped dating that woman, since we are incompatible, i sent her a message that said "if you want, sent those letters, but it would be a cheap move. I broke up with her anyway".

 

And then i proceeded and said that if she is still single and didn't broke up with me for another man, as she claimed, and if she wants, i am willing to visit her family, give them my word that i will marry her, and marry her next summer.

 

And i said to her, that this will be my last message.

 

Still, i am not waiting. I will find other women to date. The ball is in her court.

[Christos]

In the most likely case someone is bored to read my other threads:

 

-I was in a relationship for 6 years. I am now 32 and my ex gf is 31.

-She began acting really strange around April. We had a fight in the early May, she complained about me "not getting serious with her" and that "all people tell her so". We had a short break up of a week. That week was also my birthday... Nice present, ex!

- We made a deep discussion, talking about our issues and promising to work on them. But she never made the effort, while i did. She grew more distant, like wanting me to end this instead of her. Eventually I did, at the end of May, i told her to take some time alone to work out what she wants.

- She kept in contact with me, telling me how much she loves me and that she doesn't want to lose me from her life. 3 weeks later, i contacted her and asked her about her decision. She told me she doesn't want to be with me anymore.

- I asked if there was another. After a lot of pressure, she admited to me that there was someone she "had lost her mind" with. She blamed me for this. Said nothing had happened between them, but she thought she betrayed me. I asked her to come to my place to discuss it. She did, she was crying for about an hour, we talked, then we had lots of sex.

- Next day she told me that she wants a new start, but wants "no pressure", and wants to meet other people. I told her that is not acceptable.

- 2 days later, the last time i met her, she told me that although she clearly knows i love her, and she loves me too, we are not fit for each other and we should break up for good. I was heartbroken.

- During the last months, i have many times contacted her via phone and mail, in order to at least get some answers. She treated me really badly, called me names, disrespected me, and of course never said a thing about the true reason she wanted to dump me. The only thing she kept saying was that there wasn't a chance in a billion for us to be together again... That is, the few times she broke "the silent treatment" with me...

 

 

- Yesterday, she replied to my messages. She told me the same thing, that she doesn't want to be with me. She also told me about the "other man". She told me she was a gay man, and that most times she saw him, was with his bf. That he didn't want her romantically, but he had "positive energy" and he made her feel good. And she felt neglected by me (WTF!) while getting good feelings from him.

 

And while "she tried to make a new start" (didn't really try), i was saying her some bad things and did some thing "unacceptable" to her, so she decided to break up for good.

 

The things she mentioned, where me saying things like "if you cheated on me you are a really bad person and i don't know you". I said those during a time where i was completely lost about what had happened, and my mind created various scenarios. The other, the things i did, was just me having access to all her mail accounts. BUT, on my word, i never snooped into those. I just had access to them, and i told her that. I didn't look. Still, she began screaming about "her privacy".

 

I find those reasons, really weak, to justify breaking up with someone you know he loves you and you love him, and were planing on marrying soon. 6 years went to garbage. For what? I still don't know...

 

I wasn't the best bf ever, but i treated her well. I had some financial difficulties, like most of new people here in Greece, so i couldn't commit just yet, i asked for some time to get my **** together. While she agreed initialy, she began wanting out. Funny thing, i am in a much better position right now with good potential...

 

So, here we go. I can't believe this happened to me.

 

I replied her that i will never contact her again, and that i will never reply to any of her attempts in the future, if and when she regrets that decision. I wished her well and said my goodbyes.

 

I think she either found another, has GIGS, or is BPD (she had showed many signs, but i am not a professional to know for sure).

 

In any case, while i am still having feelings for her, she was my first LTR, in my mind the sweet woman i knew is dead.

Edited October 10, 2015 by Christos

[Liono84]

I think for a pretty smart guy here, you've been neglecting the obvious signs that were presented right in front of you. That's okay though, because it happens to many, including me. We can give good advice, but often times, we can't take our own advice. Accept that this is over and you guys are done forever.

 

She more than likely checked out of the R/S long before April but you probably didn't pay close attention to the subtle signs. These things don't just happen all of a sudden. There's a good possibility that she stopped having feelings for you weeks or months before then. It seems to me that she pushed these issues so that you could break up with her, not the other way around. It's not uncommon for people to do that. I got sort of lost when you said she was involved with a gay individual, not sure if that meant she fell in love with him or not, but whatever the case, her reasons for the breakup (privacy, you neglecting her, positive BS), just don't add up and smell of complete bull****. They're all over the place, and that's okay too, because even if she did give you a valid reason, a dumpee will truly NEVER know what the real reason behind the breakup is. We can assume, but deep inside we will NEVER know what the truth is. Hence, the reason why so many here say "closure is not needed".

 

I'm not going to lie, 6 years is a lot of time to be in a R/S. It's going to take you longer than most getting over your ex, but you seem like a strong willed guy, and I think you will. But you have to stop contacting her and just accept the fact that it's over. Let's just assume she did have BPD. Ask yourself, would you really want to be with a person like that? Would you want to marry a person like that? It hurts now because of all the time you wasted and memories you shared together, but think of this as a blessing it happened sooner rather than later. If a person is not willing to fight and stay true to you, what makes you think they'll be with you when the real problems of life hit you guys in the face; When you have a mortgage to pay and somebody loses their job, or when God forbid, someone develops a health concern? You need someone to fight for you and be loyal. A girl like her is the type who would divorce your ass at any given time, whether it's 5 years or 30 together, whether you have 1 kid or 10. This is a blessing, my friend. Move on and do better.

Edited October 10, 2015 by Liono84

[LoveIsMyReligion]

Have you guys discussed marriage? Is there a reason why you haven't proposed to her during those 6 years?

 

It's the fear of being alone that keeps bringing you back to her, I think.

 

If you had a gorgeous friend who was interested in dating you right now would you be putting in all this effort to try and work things out with your ex?

 

The best thing you can do right now is go no contact... But you already knew this. ANY contact initiated by you will only push her away further. You can't say or do anything to change her mind right now and you need to accept that.

[mightycpa]

I'm just going to throw this thought out there for you to ponder:

 

She doesn't have to justify anything to you. She doesn't belong to you. It is her life, and if she wants to throw love away, or leave you, or bang she-men or do whatever it is that she feels like doing, she can. It is pretty much that simple. While you may think that she owes you an explanation, the fact is she doesn't. Explanations are a courtesy people give to each other, not a debt owed to someone.

 

This is why many times it is futile to try and get an answer. No answer makes sense. It is a waste of time to demand one. The answer may be as simple as "because that's what I feel like doing now."

 

So you can either continue to bang your head against the wall in search of a rational reason, or you can simply acknowledge that not only will you never know for sure, you don't need to know. WHY is not at all important. WHAT is the important thing. And you're WHAT is that she's gone.

 

That is the path to freedom.

[Christos]

I think for a pretty smart guy here, you've been neglecting the obvious signs that were presented right in front of you. That's okay though, because it happens to many, including me. We can give good advice, but often times, we can't take our own advice. Accept that this is over and you guys are done forever.

 

She more than likely checked out of the R/S long before April but you probably didn't pay close attention to the subtle signs. These things don't just happen all of a sudden. There's a good possibility that she stopped having feelings for you weeks or months before then. It seems to me that she pushed these issues so that you could break up with her, not the other way around. It's not uncommon for people to do that. I got sort of lost when you said she was involved with a gay individual, not sure if that meant she fell in love with him or not, but whatever the case, her reasons for the breakup (privacy, you neglecting her, positive BS), just don't add up and smell of complete bull****. They're all over the place, and that's okay too, because even if she did give you a valid reason, a dumpee will truly NEVER know what the real reason behind the breakup is. We can assume, but deep inside we will NEVER know what the truth is. Hence, the reason why so many here say "closure is not needed".

 

I'm not going to lie, 6 years is a lot of time to be in a R/S. It's going to take you longer than most getting over your ex, but you seem like a strong willed guy, and I think you will. But you have to stop contacting her and just accept the fact that it's over. Let's just assume she did have BPD. Ask yourself, would you really want to be with a person like that? Would you want to marry a person like that? It hurts now because of all the time you wasted and memories you shared together, but think of this as a blessing it happened sooner rather than later. If a person is not willing to fight and stay true to you, what makes you think they'll be with you when the real problems of life hit you guys in the face; When you have a mortgage to pay and somebody loses their job, or when God forbid, someone develops a health concern? You need someone to fight for you and be loyal. A girl like her is the type who would divorce your ass at any given time, whether it's 5 years or 30 together, whether you have 1 kid or 10. This is a blessing, my friend. Move on and do better.

 

You are right. Love makes us blind. I can give advice to others, but i am blinded when it comes to my situation. Because i can't stop my emotions from interfering.

 

I loved that woman, that is why i can't get over the fact she became so cold to me. Sure, i made many mistakes, but i didn't deserve this. She did far more mistakes than me, and she openly admits this. Even in her last message, she underlined that she made the most mistakes, she ruined the relationship, and we got into a position she thought we couldn't repair it.

 

I believe she was wrong, that is why i tried to convince her to stay.

 

She may have BPD. I would never accuse her of this if i didn't have strong indications. I am not trying to "feel better" about my break up. Just to understand it.

 

But as you said, and i agree, if she was able to treat me like this in the past she could do it again. And i have lost my respect for her completely. I used to think she was special, not like the other women, but it seems she was just another woman who acted the way she thought i wanted, up until the time she had to gain something from it.

 

She wasn't that good in the relationship anyway. I always thought i was walking on eggshells with her.

 

I learned from this, that if something isn't good in the first stages of a relationship, it will never be fixed and you should move on.

[Christos]

Have you guys discussed marriage? Is there a reason why you haven't proposed to her during those 6 years?

 

It's the fear of being alone that keeps bringing you back to her, I think.

 

If you had a gorgeous friend who was interested in dating you right now would you be putting in all this effort to try and work things out with your ex?

 

The best thing you can do right now is go no contact... But you already knew this. ANY contact initiated by you will only push her away further. You can't say or do anything to change her mind right now and you need to accept that.

 

Yeah, we had discussed it and had made plans for it. Not "concrete" plans. But we had a timeframe to work around some problems, stay together and marry.

 

Right now, if i had a gorgeous woman who treated me right, i would never look back. But that is after her treatment of me. Closer to the time of the break up, 1-2 months ago, i would have preferred to work out things with her, even if some world class top model hunted me.

 

I loved that woman. I still do. If she was just a chick to me, i would be in total NC from the start.

 

But you are right, nothing i can do, but NC and move on. Even if she comes back, i won't take her back. She needs to be taught a lesson about love...

[Christos]

I'm just going to throw this thought out there for you to ponder:

 

She doesn't have to justify anything to you. She doesn't belong to you. It is her life, and if she wants to throw love away, or leave you, or bang she-men or do whatever it is that she feels like doing, she can. It is pretty much that simple. While you may think that she owes you an explanation, the fact is she doesn't. Explanations are a courtesy people give to each other, not a debt owed to someone.

 

This is why many times it is futile to try and get an answer. No answer makes sense. It is a waste of time to demand one. The answer may be as simple as "because that's what I feel like doing now."

 

So you can either continue to bang your head against the wall in search of a rational reason, or you can simply acknowledge that not only will you never know for sure, you don't need to know. WHY is not at all important. WHAT is the important thing. And you're WHAT is that she's gone.

 

That is the path to freedom.

 

You are right, and i understand why you are saying that.

 

Still, even though she doesn't owe me anything, it is difficult to accept that a person i would have given my life for, dumped me in that manner.

 

I hate it that if i was the one who had acted this way, i would be labelled "a pig", but for some reason it is accepted behaviour by her.

[William]

Folks, moderation merged four threads on a similar topic and invite members to continue that discussion here. There may be some duplication of content. No editing was performed. Thanks!