Wally Bee Posted October 10, 2015 Posted October 10, 2015 I was told writing a journal entry would help me recover. I'm suffering a lot right now and just need to say this without saying it. It'll mean more to know that someone has read it, even if it is not her. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Since the day that you left me, hurt and confused, I have spent countless times to understand why. I have researched so many different topics. Everything from what went wrong, how to win you back, how to be get over a heartbreak, gigs, everything…. Nothing works, the pain is still there and no amount of understanding will ever make me feel better about what we lost. I wake up a lot of mornings almost forgetting what happened as it was a bad dream only to remember that you are not here with me anymore. I miss the days where we good, but I understand now that I guess we weren’t. I’ve seen all my flaws and places in our relationship where I screwed up and I started to hate myself. Until I realize all the happy memories I was able to create with you. I wasn’t the perfect guy, but I tried to be. I forgot some important things and I take responsibility for my **** ups. I’m sorry I made you wait… It was never my intention. I’m sorry I got anxious about us and tried to figure it out on my own. I’m sorry that I let my anxiety get the best of me and became insecurity. I wanted so much more for us and I knew that the current me wasn’t enough. So I bettered my life, I got that amazing job that paid more, something I was afraid to go after until I wanted it enough for us to have a better future. I understand now that I lost sight of who I was and wanted to be in the name of “I love this girl and need to build a life for us”. I saw something in you that changed a long time ago, I saw that you were getting more and more depressed with the failings you had this year. The having to quit school, I know you felt it was needed for a break, but you had a purpose and you were happy. There’s a good chance that you resented the way I wanted to help… Then there’s the numerous job rejections you got. Jobs you went after so that you can be with me more. I wanted more for you, it hurt me to see you not get the things you want and I wanted to help as much as possible, but I failed… I loved you, more than anyone I ever crossed paths with. While I can never make up for the things I screwed up in the past, what I can do is make sure it doesn’t happen again in the future. I wish I had the chance to win your heart again, but I know that’s not going to happen. I know it was my insecurity that drove you away, that and the lack of communication, and trying to do it all myself. I wanted to be strong for you by doing everything myself, but it was more than I can handle at the time. I know I won’t see you again. Our paths are already challenging as it was. You lived a long ways away, we stopped working together, etc. but we were together because we were good together and wanted to be together. Didn’t matter age, race, commonalities, or anything anyone said. We had a relationship that made others jealous. It even made other people plant ideas into your head just to stir up trouble, and I saw them doing it. I was happy to be with you and you were happy to be with me. Now that has changed, you’re picturing your life without me, and I’m seeing your shadow in places you used to be. I kept telling myself, it’ll change soon as we find that perfect place together. All our problems would be easier to handle because we’d be together and that we were stronger together. You were there for me when I needed help, and I was there for you. You believed it too at one point. I’m sorry I made you wait, I didn’t realize how much in the future I was living that I forgot the present…. I forgot what it was you loved me for. Just one more month and we”would’ve/could’ve” it. I know, who’s to say this wouldn’t have happened anyways… I’ll never understand why you left, nor will I ever hear the words that I need/want to hear, nor get the answers to questions that will never go away. I’ll always hear a loud exhaust hoping that you’ll knock on the door to talk to me and tell me you were wrong. That the life we had was real and you’re sad that you screwed it up and want to try again. I know it’ll never happen, but that’s the pain I’ll have to carry with me until your face disappears from my mind. I’ll push forward every day even though my legs don’t want to move, because I have to. I have to learn to love myself again, the one that you fell for, so that one day I can be the person someone else would love to be with again. While I wish that person was you, I know your path, I’ve seen it before and I’ve been through it. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side, you’ll learn that soon enough and I can’t deny you of that search either. I’d love to say that one day you will appreciate the things I did for us more than ever, but I also know that you run. I don’t know how long I’ll always hope that you’ll run to me, but I’m not waiting for you. I did a lot to enrich our lives together and you will not find what we had with someone else… well at least not easily. Maybe that’s just my hurt ego talking, more than likely it is. It’s very possible you will find someone else, but not like me. For now I hope this letter finds you, but I know it won’t. Later I hope I don’t care. Right now, I more than anything just want the pain to go away, so I can start enjoying my life again, so that I can sleep in peace, so that I can wake up without your memory waiting for me to wake, so that I can stop caring about how you’re doing… and move on. I have to remember that my next big adventure doesn’t have you at my side this time, you’ll be in the shadow I cast as I walk proudly towards my light.
Mrlovahlovah Posted October 10, 2015 Posted October 10, 2015 just passing by to say that that was well written and made me relate strongly to some parts. keep this journal up mate. the feelings and thoughts you are expressing here are natural and you sound like you have a good attitude towards this process of healing (I know, easier to write down than to actually implement emotionally. still...).
FakeBatman Posted October 10, 2015 Posted October 10, 2015 This is my Journal: You left me. I thought we were going to be together for the rest of our lives. I was going to propose to you in a couple of years and have beautiful children together because I loved you with all my heart. But you left me. Ah well, I'll find another woman to marry and dedicate my heart to. And she'll be a million times better because she wouldn't have left me. So good-game, well-played, bye-bye. -FakeBatman 1
Author Wally Bee Posted October 11, 2015 Author Posted October 11, 2015 Last night I woke up in a cold sweat. Early last week I had to cancel the cruise and then I revealed to my friends that I was no longer going b/c we split and are going separate ways. They talked me into still going and I'm considering it. It is 6 months out and I should be over her by then. Anyways, I had a dream i was on the cruise with my friends. While I'm not sure why but at some point I went on a search for my backpack. My backpack has all my laptop stuff and my notebooks. I search the whole ship frantically and was even arrested for something that i talked myself out of but still ran as I had one end of the handcuffs on. I went through several floors and searched. I even remember searching a classroom of a floor where I had a crush on a girl that was a teacher. Anyways, the search continued. I finally get to a floor that overlooked everything. It was a beautiful site, it wasn't clear like you would think a cruise was. It was like being inside of a living painting. After I looked around I was in the center room. I dropped to my knees and then there you were right in front of me. You were not supposed to be here. You said that I didn't have to search anymore. I looked up and I saw someone I didn't recognize. It was someone with confidence, someone who knew their path, someone who had no doubt that I wanted to be there with me. Now that I think about, was it even really you at all? I woke up thinking it was you. I woke up and realized you were gone again. It wasn't you was it? The smile was similar, but the eyes didn't match.
Author Wally Bee Posted October 12, 2015 Author Posted October 12, 2015 So i was starting to have longer periods of feeling better then bamm nope. In the last 5 days I have had people tell me things that I wanted to hear but are setting me back again on the rollercoaster. All mutual friends who have been checking on me to make sure i'm okay. One told me she checked my ex's facebook and found out that she did not delete me or block me or got rid of all our happy pictures yet almost a month after B/U, 3 weeks NC. Then there was the friend who said she was out with her only friend at the bar, the only time that I've ever been jealous of her going out. I've always promoted her time with the girls and now it hurts and some cases insisted on it, I guess I feel like she's handling moving on better than me and probably is. Then this morning my room8 told me that before when we were friends and started dating, she admitted to her about having a eating disorder. That makes sense as she did start gaining weight and looked healthier when I started to make sure she had lunch for when we worked together, even when it meant giving her half of mine. Maybe I'm giving myself too much credit, but I remember the days she didn't have lunch for a 10-12 hour shift... When she was with me she wanted more in life and I tried to enrich that as much as I could. I failed in other areas but I've always wanted what was best for that girl, and now that best is me not in the picture anymore to date some guy with no future that strung her along in the past til he got the blonde he wanted. She was happy with me... and then she wasn't. It seems that I can't handle new information about her that gets to me even though I'm the one on a media blackout. I understand why my memories haunt me, but it's like when I get a new piece of the puzzle, I go right back into searching for answers that are not there. It sets back the healing process back a bit i'm guessing too.
Strength in Healing Posted October 12, 2015 Posted October 12, 2015 Best thing you can do is realize she wasn't half as unique as you constructed mentally that she was. There are billions of other girls, and ones that it will work with, unlike here with this one. Don't send any of that. Ever. It'll make you look emotional and weak. It's over. Fortunately there's so many fish in the sea. The ocean is large and beautiful.
Author Wally Bee Posted October 12, 2015 Author Posted October 12, 2015 Thanks, that's a good point I had forgotten. I have no intention of breaking NC and no intention of sending these. It's just that I don't feel right blowing up the ears of my friends when at the end of the day all i really want is to get what's on my mind out. At least here I have a chance to be constructive and get actual advice from people who've been through it. And for the most part it does help me center myself after I let out the confusion. I know I'll be fine without her, but it gets rough some days.
Strength in Healing Posted October 12, 2015 Posted October 12, 2015 (edited) Yes, you've made the smart choice. I feel your pain though. It's been over a year and my ex still haunts me even though I NC'd her about 8 months ago. Sometimes you just don't fully heal. But there's strength in accepting that and still choosing to smile. Edited October 12, 2015 by Strength in Healing
sandylee1 Posted October 12, 2015 Posted October 12, 2015 It's really tough going through heartbreak. Only one person broke my heart and even through that, I kept telling myself if the feeling was mutual, he wouldn't have broken my heart like that. Over 20 years later, I'm happily married and I know I wouldn't have had the life I have now, if I was with him.
Author Wally Bee Posted October 15, 2015 Author Posted October 15, 2015 It's been almost a month since she ran and today has become more challenging than normal. I woke up from a dream again where we were in the same area and she avoided me and basically pretended I was never anything important in her life. I'm getting myself all worked up and I'm trying to fight the negative thoughts but it doesn't seem to be working today. I know it's not that I didn't mean anything to her, I keep trying to tell myself that it is because I meant a great deal to her and that's why she's avoiding me. Because I did mean a great deal to her, and everyone around us. I'm not going to do it but I want so badly to find out if she's really happy with the way things are now. I feel so messed up, my subconscious seems to be last to catch up with what's going on. We had something great and she got scared and ran. How can she treat me like this after all we've been through? I don't deserve what she did to me and I know it's not my fault. It's her baggage, but why does it hurt me so much. How long before I can move past this false hope that she'll realize she made a mistake. It's possible she doesn't think it was a mistake isn't it. All my life I was taught treat a women right, meet all her needs, and let her be there for you that all will work itself out. Then she leaves because she hasn't sorted out her feelings for her ex, her first love (who treated her poorly). How in one weekend she proclaims about how much of a happy spoiled girlfriend she was on our date and afterwards rewarded me quite nicely. Only for 2 weeks after he comes back into the picture she no longer knows what love is. For whatever reason she said she didn't know if she loved me anymore. even posted a meme how "some guys want their girl to be happy and not just want sex" tagging me in it. to spite this guy when he started "liking" her statuses again to gauge if he can get back in there. He played such the victim in his posts about how he was a good guy and women do him wrong and misunderstand him but the stories i've been told are otherwise. It's disgusting what some people are willing to do to get what they want, or just to be not lonely. Facebook is such a biased joke. He hurt her several times always leaving her for someone else after he sleeps with her, and it's only a matter of time before it happens again. and some f'd up part of me hasn't let go of what we had and wants her to come back even after i know it will NEVER be the same. Well, I didn't mean to write so much as I see that I'm starting to spiral again. I know it shouldn't be my concern anymore what she's doing, but it's starting to tick me off that some part of me still wants there to be hope. Man, I am really bad at mornings.
Author Wally Bee Posted October 15, 2015 Author Posted October 15, 2015 I'm starting to think, I might be screwing up my healing by reading all these stories about similar situations. When I read them, i'm able to relate and level out to normal and numb, but it's like every morning she haunts me again and restarts the roller coaster. I do admit though it is getting easier. The days don't hurt as much, I'm able to fall asleep easier at nights. I think I might have set myself back reading the stories about them breaking NC/ throwing breadcrumbs. While I know how i should respond (with no response)... Ok, I just answered my own question. By thinking about how I'm going to respond if she throws breadcrumbs is not me living up to NC because I'm assuming I'll see her again. I'm screwing myself over when I tell myself she'll feel stupid when her new honeymoon phase is over and she'll realize what he's really about. I'm starting to hate this back and forth moods. It's like for the most part I'm doing okay, I feel like myself again and I don't doubt the path I'm on and then when I start faltering I really start falter. All confusion sets in, logic steps in to make it worse, then here I am again trying to clear out the poison in my system. I guess it's better here than where it can do damage. I appreciate everything this forum has helped me with. I need to stick to the rules of NC, I need a more structure plan of attack
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