superfabulous Posted May 20, 2005 Posted May 20, 2005 [color=darkblue][/color We will call him "Phil". Phil is my problem...over a year since we met. We met at a Bar- since then we have gone out on dates, dinner, drinks, pool, movies... hung out at each others place sleep overs and brunch...recently we spent quite a bit of time, around his 38th bday. talk on the phone go out fool around. He is my ideal man/mate. I've noticed of the course of time, that Phil drinks more than the average and he likes to smoke weed- but tells me he cut down...still he has some great qualities- well i think so, but he needs to pull things together and get in gear at 38 he has a crapola job- little ambiton and when your with him a heart of gold..yes some of his behaviour is child like, lots of calls then none and lots of passion and kind words about us the future - then nothing no calls no all backs.... I think i am too hopeful! Do you think he sounds like a loser....a pretty face no brains? should i move on...let him contact me when hes good and ready to straighten up?
Merin Posted May 20, 2005 Posted May 20, 2005 He's 38 and you've known him for a year.. I think what you see is what you get... IF you like Phil "as is" then good to go... but waiting for him to get it together... This is probably as together as it gets for him.
alphamale Posted May 20, 2005 Posted May 20, 2005 Originally posted by Merin He's 38 and you've known him for a year.. I think what you see is what you get... IF you like Phil "as is" then good to go... but waiting for him to get it together... This is probably as together as it gets for him. i agree, by 38 most folk are set in their ways pretty much. this dude is not gonna stop smokin weed and become an attorney overnite. if u like him the way he is then go for it, if not then move on. i would move on, myself.
Pocky Posted May 20, 2005 Posted May 20, 2005 He is my ideal man/mate. that Phil drinks more than the average and he likes to smoke weed- but tells me he cut down...still he has some great qualities but he needs to pull things together and get in gear at 38 he has a crapola job- little ambiton yes some of his behaviour is child like, lots of calls then none and lots of passion and kind words about us the future - then nothing no calls no all backs.... Do you think he sounds like a loser....a pretty face no brains? Personally, I don't now how you can start your comments with the "he is my ideal man/mate" and then progress into four additional lines describing his behavior so negatively. Don't you think it's a little odd that he's so ideal, yet you find so many issues with his lifestyle? Maybe you should not spend time considering if he'll change, but considering when you should leave the relationship.
st8toftheheart Posted May 20, 2005 Posted May 20, 2005 My ex went out with a guy like that. At first she idolized the guy, for being carefree laid back and very sexual. No real drive and ambition but at the same time didn't seem to care. She was suprised to find out that at 35 I had a good job, my own house, car and more than just beer in the fridge. He was 38 and acted like a guy who was 20. Which worked for her for awhile cause she was 24 at the time. She said she didn't know what the attraction was. But one day he either shrugged her off or she met me and decided that I was the better route to take. She wouldn't tell me which it was. Anyway, if you are looking at building a future make sure that the person sees a future to build. At 38, well life is about to give him a big wake up call, and you probabaly don't want to be around for the ride.
scarlyjones Posted May 20, 2005 Posted May 20, 2005 Whoa..........yeah,.........38 years old means your pretty much set in your ways. Now when you say drinks more than the average person,.....what do you mean by that? Is that your polite way of saying he drinks too much? Or he drinks everyday? Or when he DOES drink, he drinks a ton?
Author superfabulous Posted May 20, 2005 Author Posted May 20, 2005 I agree with most of what you all have said. Thanks for the feedback. I know he comes "as is" and will continue to meet and date other men, since this is not a committed relationship...I guess i justed wished the sunshine would sit still this time around. I am not a big party girl but can be at times. I meet lots of men- but not all have that infectious smile and things in common with me - the way Phil does. In response to the one who questions how can i say he is my "IDEAL" well socially, emotionally ( when i am with him that is) and physically we are a great match Professionally and as individuals go, he does not have the ambition and self control I would like to see in a man..... so now I said it in text, he in fact may not be my ideal-OK this pyscotherapy works!!!! To the one who asked about the DRINKS - i would say yes he drinks everyday min.2 beers maybe up to 4 or 5- I feel in my heart of hearts he is drinking to hide something - his lack of motivation and he's in a rut, perhaps he doesnt want me close to see the lows- I dont want to change him - i would help him, but only if he makes the step to asking, and he kind of did a few times, I put the offer out there- and he's still in lalala land.... My ex was an overachiever, smart ass and well educated- but lacked the loving warmth and fun - loyalty i am in search for life.......so you can see how this Phil character has made me hold on this long. till my next posting- enjoy the day!
scarlyjones Posted May 23, 2005 Posted May 23, 2005 Well,.........based on what you've told me,....I'd say he has a drinking problem. Four or five beers A DAY is alot. If nothing else, its financially draining. That comes out to about $200 a month to just booze. He could own another car with the money he spends on beer. Thats excessive. Im a recovering alcoholic,...so I know first hand. Nobody likes the taste of beer so much that they drink it everyday for the TASTE. I like chocalate milk. I dont drink 6 glasses of it everyday after work. Lets face it.....after you down 6 beers, you feel its effects in some fashion. So you may be on to something when you say he could be drinking to escape his feelings or problems. Thats usually the VERY reason people become alcoholics. Lets not forget that since drinking and driving is legal and dangerous, after he downs his beers for the day, he is pretty much useless as far as being counted on to go to the store, or drive you or your kids (if you have any) or if he is, say, the only one to get someone to the hostpital in an emergency. People seem to forget that part when they say "Im not hurting anyone but myself"
moimeme Posted May 23, 2005 Posted May 23, 2005 Or maybe his lack of motivation is due to his drinking. This guy's a bad deal. You'll find another warm and sociable man who's not also an alcoholic but you'll have to look someplace other than bars to find him.
renee2004 Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 Hey I can see where you're coming from... go with mr laid-back, fun and sexy or go with mr smart, responsible and ambitious. In my experience, you are always going to be better off going with Mr Smart, he will treat you better and is far more sensible an option. Mr 38 and no career, in my opinion, is not a viable long-term relationship choice. But it depends what sort of relationship you're after really! I know every time I have chosen pretty (now) over smart (future), it has ended in tears and I have regretted my decision... luckily i'm still only 23 and have learnt from these mistakes. However, I still find it incredibly hard to turn down fun, gorgeous guys for more stable, and somewhat more boring alternatives. If you're not looking for a long term relationship at the moment, sure have fun with him, but I think if you are looking for a long term serious relationship it sounds like a difficult road with phil...
browneyes22 Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 superfabulous...you need to find a comprimise. Someone whom has ambition, goals, is well educated, etc....as well as someone whom your attracted to, is fun to be with, etc. I've known plenty of people who are perfect examples...they're educated, have career goals, some even drink and smoke grass like crazy. I mean...the drinking and smoking is bad...but most are fun to hang with. Loving warmth comes more from how one is raised vs. if they are career oriented. The career goals may cover up the love and warmth that is usually within. And most people don't show this side of themselves right off the bat. There are plenty of guys like this...you just have to look for them.
Recommended Posts