Self esteem crushed from consecutive breakups

[guest569]

Where does one acquire self esteem? I've never had much of it and I don't really know why. I have some confidence in my abilities at times, but I still just feel so self conscious and worthless most of the time. I'm less shy than I once was, but going through rejections/breakups just destroys me. I think I'm handling this one a bit better than previous ones. I just hate feeling so wounded and if only I had confidence in myself I could just tell these people to get stuffed and not analyse 'why doesn't he like me?' and scroll through my contacts or previous exes to find some sort of validation or reassurance, it's so pathetic.

 

Is this something that just develops with age and experience?? I'm at a bit of a loss.

 

Would getting abs or doing karate lessons fix this?

 

(And it's not so much the 'consecutive breakups' part, it's just in general but it's really wearing me down and making me seriously doubt myself!)

Edited October 10, 2015 by smiley1

[Haydn]

I learned that after a long and miserable road after my breakup that i faked my self esteem quite a bit. I was determined to show and eventually become indifferent to the people who hurt me. Self esteem takes a battering after any emotional event. It gradually recovers. I believe everyone does have self esteem it`s a case maybe of sometimes letting things wash over us that in the grand scheme of things are actually not that important.

 

Some people are better than this than others. I was hopeless.....

 

Mind you, if becoming good at something increases self esteem then that`s fantastic.

[guest569]

I learned that after a long and miserable road after my breakup that i faked my self esteem quite a bit. I was determined to show and eventually become indifferent to the people who hurt me. Self esteem takes a battering after any emotional event. It gradually recovers. I believe everyone does have self esteem it`s a case maybe of sometimes letting things wash over us that in the grand scheme of things are actually not that important.

 

Some people are better than this than others. I was hopeless.....

 

Mind you, if becoming good at something increases self esteem then that`s fantastic.

 

With my previous breakup i was set on feeling and analysing my emotions and talking to my ex to try to fix everything. It hurt me so much more. But I thought it was the right thing to do.

 

I think I've learnt from that and yes I'm trying to fake some confidence and let it just wash over me because less info is better. BUT I did last night and today start composing a text to him to basically seek reassurance, (erased it and my heart rate was going mental) and failed to get reassurance from my ex FWB, I cant rely on these fs for reassurance. it's not their job.

 

I just feel like i take this way too much to heart, other people dont stay down for this long, I'm so weak.

[Samuel_22]

With my previous breakup i was set on feeling and analysing my emotions and talking to my ex to try to fix everything. It hurt me so much more. But I thought it was the right thing to do.

 

I think I've learnt from that and yes I'm trying to fake some confidence and let it just wash over me because less info is better. BUT I did last night and today start composing a text to him to basically seek reassurance, (erased it and my heart rate was going mental) and failed to get reassurance from my ex FWB, I cant rely on these fs for reassurance. it's not their job.

 

I just feel like i take this way too much to heart, other people dont stay down for this long, I'm so weak.

I would say, you are overthinking this subject, we are human beings, and seeking assurance/reassurance has always been and will always be a part of nature, and anyone who contends otherwise is either faking it or is not a human being at all. After a break up we are all prone to lack of self confidence, or self esteem, that is why experts and people on this website score on improving yourself, going to gym, earning more money, making small and big changes in your lives... all of these things will merely boost self confidence, self esteem, and once these changes have been made, you will less pain amid a break up, due to this fact that your ego tells you he/she broke up with my previous me, my current me is not comparable with what I used to be in the past.

You have to learn this fact that, when someone breaks up with you, it does not mean that you are worthless, it does not mean that you are not good enough, it does not mean that it is the end of the line, and if the previous one broke up with you, that does not mean you will never find someone to be loved.

Think about it this way, I am a boy, and can believe how many super attractive girls(for my taste) I have dumped in the past because I love super serious girls? Some of my friends juts can't get me, I just don't like sense of humor in women. I love Indian foods, my brother who comes from the same family, and shares a lot of genes with me, hates them, I love progressive rock, heavy metal music, my stupid brother likes rap... did I say stupid? I am pretty sure he has the same opinion about me.

Now I am rock music, and my ex does not like rock...is rock music bad? no she likes pop.

Good luck

[Lauwatchthestars]

and once these changes have been made, you will less pain amid a break up, due to this fact that your ego tells you he/she broke up with my previous me, my current me is not comparable with what I used to be in the past.

 

That is non-sense to me. You don't have to disparage "previous you" just because somebody broke up with you. In my opinion, you have to love yourself even more, not make comparisons.

[Samuel_22]

That is non-sense to me. You don't have to disparage "previous you" just because somebody broke up with you. In my opinion, you have to love yourself even more, not make comparisons.

Yes, but psychologically speaking, after a break, dumpees over analyze themselves, put themselves under scrutiny, question their appearance, emotions, wealth and everything that one can attribute to dumpers' dumping them suddenly becomes a major issue, and this is not related to one individual, even if the whole world cast their compliments towards you, you feel there was something wrong with you. The truth is, this is not true, there is nothing wrong with you, it is just the matter of peoples' tastes, it is just the matter of growing up and how you tastes change over time.

The thing I am elaborating on is that dumpees (usually) point at themselves, and they feel there is something wrong with them...

That is why psychologists prescribe paradigm shifts so that the person can get rid of all these wrong emotions and thoughts. but again I say, this is a technique, and I have never used it nor will I use it in the future, because I know what I am, I keep telling myself that everyone likes me, if my ex did not, there was something wrong with her, even if 100 people broke up with me in a row, that would not affect me at all....Because I am a miracle for me, no matter what others think of me.

[guest569]

I have made a lot of achievements but it doesn't seem to restore my confidence because i still feel like there is something wrong with me and that I am unloveable. Although its stupid because I am quite happy with who I am. I've got things i want to improve and they're nothing to do with my exes. I strive to be the best I can and I know my ex's view of me was unfair and unrealistic. But i still feel unwanted and rejected and it gets me down, I guess cause these guys i love and respect dont ever love me back. I'm not picking horrible guys.. these are nice, normal, decent guys. They like me enough..They just dont love me back, ever.

[Samuel_22]

I have made a lot of achievements but it doesn't seem to restore my confidence because i still feel like there is something wrong with me and that I am unloveable. Although its stupid because I am quite happy with who I am. I've got things i want to improve and they're nothing to do with my exes. I strive to be the best I can and I know my ex's view of me was unfair and unrealistic. But i still feel unwanted and rejected and it gets me down, I guess cause these guys i love and respect dont ever love me back. I'm not picking horrible guys.. these are nice, normal, decent guys. They like me enough..They just dont love me back, ever.

Maybe you provide them with a lot of emotion, showering someone with a lot of praise and emotions is almost always wrong,I have come to think of it this way, that when you do that, you lose respect... I am not saying you should not do that at all, but next time give it a try, I don't know, people may judge me for saying that, but in this art you have to be a good player... before attacking me that this is not love, I have to say real love does not exist, it only inhabits Hollywood, and its movies. love is always one-sided. lose or win!

Next time, if I fall in love again, I will be the one who dumps the the loved one, that is a real game changer. You have to do it, be warm for a moment, cold the other, and they become addicted to you, sad people, including me, always run when they smell you truly love them. people, and again including me, love those who play tricky games.

When I look back I myself abandoned all girls that truly loved me, and fell in love with 2 girls who did not care for me. I have witnessed the same pattern among my students, colleagues, etc.. maybe I am wrong, but I wanna try it.

[Itspointless]

I believe we can only love another when we really learn to love ourselves and the ways we are imperfect. For me that means a lot of reflection, listening to what people have to say about me, and a lot of reading, every day again. There are good books out there about patterns (believes) people have that are holding them back or make them choose the wrong people. With revenge we wont come any further, we just mimic others who try to disguise their own problems by overcompensation.

[Stage5Clinger]

Would getting abs or doing karate lessons fix this?

 

The reason this would only help is because you are taking something that you are feeling helpless about and taking control. You should make a list of everything that is making you feel that way and do something about it.

 

When it comes to relationships -- if contact with someone makes you feel anything less than happy you need to stop, block, and roll.

[guest569]

Maybe you provide them with a lot of emotion, showering someone with a lot of praise and emotions is almost always wrong,I have come to think of it this way, that when you do that, you lose respect...

 

It's definitely not that. In fact I am not very emotional and hold back on showing love until I know it is mutual (so, never really had that opportunity). Yeah I am definitely not a gushy, emotional type and that behaviour puts me off too. Is that love or just clinginess and psychotic behaviour to shower someone with praise and sickly love. I dont buyy into the cheesy romance films, i find a bloke that i like, and we do stuff together simple. Anyway I thought your suggestion was to not analyse and overthink this. But actual romance and love can be shown without loss of respect.

[stillafool]

The reason this would only help is because you are taking something that you are feeling helpless about and taking control. You should make a list of everything that is making you feel that way and do something about it.

 

When it comes to relationships -- if contact with someone makes you feel anything less than happy you need to stop, block, and roll.

 

This is key. Maybe you shouldn't date for a while and just work on being happy without a man in your life.

[thejabberwocky]

Abs and karate are not going to give you self-esteem.

 

Some of the most beautiful people in the world are the most insecure.

 

I would suggest therapy. You can start from scratch on why you feel this way and how you can fix it. No one here can tell you, as it's very individualized to your own experiences and thought processes. A professional absolutely can guide you!

 

I've always had very high self-esteem and even my breakup rattled me. I dumped the guy because he lied to me about a drug issue and I feel I deserve better. But I still feel a bit "less-than" now. So I went back to my old therapist and it has helped immensely!

 

In addition to therapy, if you want to do karate to build your confidence and help distract you, any exercise is wonderful for battling depression/anxiety that comes from a breakup! You should absolutely do it if you're interested in it, but it will not fix you. Therapy should be your first priority!

[dyna85]

Where does one acquire self esteem? I've never had much of it and I don't really know why. I have some confidence in my abilities at times, but I still just feel so self conscious and worthless most of the time. I'm less shy than I once was, but going through rejections/breakups just destroys me. I think I'm handling this one a bit better than previous ones. I just hate feeling so wounded and if only I had confidence in myself I could just tell these people to get stuffed and not analyse 'why doesn't he like me?' and scroll through my contacts or previous exes to find some sort of validation or reassurance, it's so pathetic.

 

Is this something that just develops with age and experience?? I'm at a bit of a loss.

 

Would getting abs or doing karate lessons fix this?

 

(And it's not so much the 'consecutive breakups' part, it's just in general but it's really wearing me down and making me seriously doubt myself!)

 

I think we gain self esteem by being true to ourselves and doing what makes us feel content. I also think getting out there in the world and helping others and interacting with people helps.

 

What I've found is, whenever I really get hooked on someone, my mind shifts and I end up putting a lot of energy and attention into thinking of that person, and it throws me off balance, and it all starts to unravel.

 

For me, it's learning how to stay centered and true to my hobbies and interests and not losing sight of my goals when with someone.

 

I tend to be rather ocd about life, so I focus really hard in one area if I'm passionate about something. This has caused problems for me with work and relationships, because I'm too focused on those areas, and hold on too tightly, rather than letting things flow, and it affects my mind and spirit, causing undue stress and anxiety.

 

I find that people who are more relaxed and just go with the flow and aren't ocd tend to fare better.

 

In terms of self esteem, I also think it's really important to nourish your body from the inside out, so doing things that make your spirit happy, including being sure to eat well, sleep well, and feel good about yourself.

 

I know when I neglect my body's needs, things go to hell also. And my spirit is much more strong when I live life and don't hold on too tightly to the hurt and pain. You gotta let go and keep it moving.

 

I saw a good quote the other day: 'a rock that keeps moving never collects moss' or something like that. So... try to be the moving rock.

[guest569]

I think we gain self esteem by being true to ourselves and doing what makes us feel content. I also think getting out there in the world and helping others and interacting with people helps.

 

What I've found is, whenever I really get hooked on someone, my mind shifts and I end up putting a lot of energy and attention into thinking of that person, and it throws me off balance, and it all starts to unravel.

 

Yes, I think I do much the same. I put other things off because I am focused on spending time with them. But isn't that part of being in a relationship? I certainly get 'me' time but yes a lot of thought and energy goes into them. I can see where too much of that would be unhealthy. I try to keep my focus on career, studies and hobbies.

 

 

I saw a good quote the other day: 'a rock that keeps moving never collects moss' or something like that. So... try to be the moving rock.

 

A rolling stone gathers no moss!

[dyna85]

Yes, I think I do much the same. I put other things off because I am focused on spending time with them. But isn't that part of being in a relationship? I certainly get 'me' time but yes a lot of thought and energy goes into them. I can see where too much of that would be unhealthy. I try to keep my focus on career, studies and hobbies.

 

I know. I ponder the same. It's a balance I haven't quite figured out yet, I guess.

 

 

A rolling stone gathers no moss!

 

That's it! Hehe. Oops.

 

I really like that quote, hehe. It gives me motivation to keep on moving, even when I feel like giving up at times.