4 months in red flags from gf?

[Hughes101]

Possible that shes not cheating though? What do you think

[Hughes101]

After 6 weeks we're still together. She has made some changes and has at least made some effort to act more loyal. She is willing to move anywhere with me.

 

Back to this guy she was flirting witg. I actually made her show me the conversation on fb with this guy that she was all over when we were out. I was stunned at how often they were chatting, sometimes 10 msgs each every day. She had deleted their previous chat log before june.

 

The thing that really pissed me off about it was that she told me that she talks to him about me all the time. Through the scores of msgs there were 2 brief mentions of me. One was a negative and one was using me as an example of some stupid conversation they were having about couples holding hands in public. It was what you would call an emotional affair, her confiding in him about her day to day problems, but had single written all over her.

 

This guy is well built, over confident and proficient in game. Hardly guy friend material.

 

This girl also has a guy best friend that she seems very close with. She was making plans with him to go down and stay with his family for xmas (she was supposed to be coming back to the uk with me). She didn't get why i thought it was unacceptable she didnt talk to me about it first. This is a guy who she slept in his bed a few times. Apparently once he tried to sleep with her but she said no (which I struggle to believe). I mean why put yourself in that situation.

 

Other thing i notice is that she cherry picks part truths to form a picture which is probably misleading. She spontaneously tells me that I'm perfect and she's so lucky to have me. In the same day she can backhandedly put me down to her friends.

 

She does have a messed up past. Her dad passed away when she was 14, over the next year's she fell out with her mother and does not speak to her now.

 

I still can't really trust her.. shes over confident around guys and strikes up a comfortable intimate conversation quickly. I sense lots of tension when she's interacting with females. The female friendships that she does have over here are shallow and based on meeting up and getting drunk. Is just sad and part I'd me feels sorry for her.

 

And she knows I'm not sure about this relationship...

 

Still can't find strength to do the obvious

[joseb]

. She spontaneously tells me that I'm perfect and she's so lucky to have me. In the same day she can backhandedly put me down to her friends.

 

She does have a messed up past. Her dad passed away when she was 14, over the next year's she fell out with her mother and does not speak to her now.

 

I still can't really trust her.. shes over confident around guys and strikes up a comfortable intimate conversation quickly. I sense lots of tension when she's interacting with females. The female friendships that she does have over here are shallow

 

 

Well there is a whole bunch of reasons not to see her again, from her sleeping with other guys (common, you know she is) to the list from above, which is scarily like a list of BPD traits.

 

So keep banging her for a bit more if the sex is amazing and you are wearing protection.

 

Personally I'd run a mile, I doubt it's worth it.

[ravfour4]

You sound infatuated and fear being alone, sounds like most of us when we meet someone new.

 

Logically this girl doesn't make any sense for you. Emotionally you want her and you likely fear having no one. Stick with this until she cheats on you or sabotages you with some BPD BS or give up the sex and brave being alone for a bit to avoid the hurt and meet someone worthwhile.

[Hughes101]

Well there is a whole bunch of reasons not to see her again, from her sleeping with other guys (common, you know she is) to the list from above, which is scarily like a list of BPD traits.

 

So keep banging her for a bit more if the sex is amazing and you are wearing protection.

 

Personally I'd run a mile, I doubt it's worth it.

 

Thanks for the reply.

 

I actually dont know for sure that she has slept with someone else. I've cross checked suspicious sounding timelines with her rosters and payslips from work and its always checked out. Not saying it hasnt happened, but believe me I havent found a scrap of evidence.

 

She doesnt have any friends here really.. which she implied was my fault. she seems to be the kind of girl that would rather go drinking with randoms or even go to pubs on her own (yes she has a history of doing that), than arrange to meet some of the girls who she knows from travelling and build a friendship.

 

Like Patrick Bateman, she is just not there.

 

I just remembered, the last guy she got together with was in an ltr with a woman with kids (she says she didnt know and that the guy told her they were breaking up).

[Redhead14]

Hi.

 

Im a 32 year old male and have been with my 24 year old girlfriend for 4 months.

 

I really like everthing about her, she has got lots of qualities that I've never had in a girl.

 

A few things are really bothering me about her and in getting a bad gut feeling about investing any more emotion into this.

 

Obviously there's a lot of good things about her, but here are the things that worry me;

 

1. She openly talks about sex with ease to guys. I took her to meet one of my friends and within a couole of minutes she was telling him how her Jewish (platonic) friend does not go further than oral sex before marriage and did he think it was weird.

2. On her social media her guy friends seem to make sex based jokes to her (eg see you when you get back to the uk for copius amounts of spanking, or where are the r18 pictures)

3. I've walked in on her grabbing my friends nipple in a playful/what i thought was quite provocative way

4. Last night we met some of her friends out. She hasn'tknown any of them for that long. I noticed this one guy was flirting with her (just making playful touches) and she touched his chest right in front of me. (Her girlfriend even commented "you were coming on to him"). When we were on the way out she hit him lightly on the butt and then hugged him to say goodbye. She later claimed that she meant to pat him on the back but accidentally hit his butt.

 

The guy from last night just happened to be a guy that shes been instant messaging a lot who i queried before. They dont know each other that well (met up 3 or 4 times).

 

She hasnt really tried to hide anything from what i can see, but she did tell me he had a gf. When i was chatting to him last night i got it out of him and this "gf" are actually #### buddies.

 

Its important to also note that a couple of times i have made it very clear to her that i find that kind of thing (above) completely disrespectful and I'm not comfortable with it. When i confronted her about her behaviour last night she claimed to be completely unaware she was doing it (not concious behavior ).

 

Why does she need this validation. Shes a natural flirt is it possible she can change for me.

 

Strange thing is she seems to be very attached to me.

 

Any chance this relationship can work given the difference in beliefs in boundaries?

 

Thoughts would be appreciated. Thank you

 

My ex husband was always flirtatious with women. However, everything he said and did for me showed me and made me feel that he loved only me. He was a very friendly, open kinda guy. He never touched them or got physically close to them, it was just flirty banter. But, in the end, it was about how he made me feel and made sure I was happy. I sometimes was a little put off by it in the beginning, but over time I came to realize and understand him. I did mention it to him and he made an effort to curtail it and was able to keep it to a minimum at least. I understood this is how he was and wouldn't change completely, but the fact that he heard me and did work on it was enough for me.

 

However, your "girlfriend" is 24 years old and behaving like a 24 year old girl who enjoys the attention of men. You've told her how it makes you feel, but she is apparently not respecting your wishes and wanting to accommodate your needs. She may not be the one for you. Someone who is invested in another person will make the effort to accommodate it when the other expresses a need.

 

I'd say she's too young to fully embrace or prepared to focus on a relationship the way it needs to be.

 

she claimed to be completely unaware she was doing it (not concious behavior ).

 

Its important to also note that a couple of times i have made it very clear -- She's aware -- you've pointed it out to her a couple of times . . .

[truth_seeker]

Hi.

 

Im a 32 year old male and have been with my 24 year old girlfriend for 4 months.

 

I really like everthing about her, she has got lots of qualities that I've never had in a girl.

 

A few things are really bothering me about her and in getting a bad gut feeling about investing any more emotion into this.

 

Obviously there's a lot of good things about her, but here are the things that worry me;

 

1. She openly talks about sex with ease to guys. I took her to meet one of my friends and within a couole of minutes she was telling him how her Jewish (platonic) friend does not go further than oral sex before marriage and did he think it was weird.

2. On her social media her guy friends seem to make sex based jokes to her (eg see you when you get back to the uk for copius amounts of spanking, or where are the r18 pictures)

3. I've walked in on her grabbing my friends nipple in a playful/what i thought was quite provocative way

4. Last night we met some of her friends out. She hasn'tknown any of them for that long. I noticed this one guy was flirting with her (just making playful touches) and she touched his chest right in front of me. (Her girlfriend even commented "you were coming on to him"). When we were on the way out she hit him lightly on the butt and then hugged him to say goodbye. She later claimed that she meant to pat him on the back but accidentally hit his butt.

 

The guy from last night just happened to be a guy that shes been instant messaging a lot who i queried before. They dont know each other that well (met up 3 or 4 times).

 

She hasnt really tried to hide anything from what i can see, but she did tell me he had a gf. When i was chatting to him last night i got it out of him and this "gf" are actually #### buddies.

 

Its important to also note that a couple of times i have made it very clear to her that i find that kind of thing (above) completely disrespectful and I'm not comfortable with it. When i confronted her about her behaviour last night she claimed to be completely unaware she was doing it (not concious behavior ).

 

Why does she need this validation. Shes a natural flirt is it possible she can change for me.

 

Strange thing is she seems to be very attached to me.

 

Any chance this relationship can work given the difference in beliefs in boundaries?

 

Thoughts would be appreciated. Thank you

 

I don't think it's so much her age. I think it's her. The way she behaves now, she'll be behaving 10 years from now. This is who she is: she likes attention and likes being a flirt with different men.

 

It's not an age issue - it's a personality issue.

[Hughes101]

Thanks everyone else for the advice..

 

 

I cant get over my trust issues with her. I'm also sure that she is not completely honest with me.

[lilnomar33]

Do yourself a favor if she is serious about the relationship tell her to work on your behavior of flirting with other man and if she doesn't stop just walk... I don't know this girl but its sounds a lot like my ex and I stayed with her for 5 plus years didn't end well.

[kendahke]

She's not clueless about what she's doing. She is after attention and she doesn't discriminate about where it comes from as long as she's getting it.

 

You can talk to her til you're blue in the face: all she'll have for you is gaslighting.

 

No, she didn't miss his back and land on his butt---she doesn't have palsy, I take it? Her hands find their ways to intimate places on other mens bodies because her brain tells her to put them there. Period.

 

Two choices: keep quiet, turn a blind eye if you must have this chick in your life

 

-or-

 

Dump the squid and find someone new.

[Hughes101]

Thanks.

 

I've got to the stage where I second guess almost everything she does.

 

The other day when i got home, she turned around to greet me and grabbed my hand, while simultaneously looking towards a guy who works in our sharehousr (its an office as well) sort of trying to get his attention. I can only describe the look to him as one with intent. When shes been watching tv before and hes been on his lunch break sitting down as well, she has been really awkward about giving me any affection. It felt like I was interupting something when i enteredthe room.

 

This guy is a good friend of mine for years. He has a long term partner and baby and i don't think he'd be stupid enough to do anything with her.

 

This is the guy that i walked in on her grabbing his nipple.

 

May be its het trying to make me jelous or instilling dread.

 

I've made my suspicions known and I'd anything did happen it would be hard to know now.

 

Hard to decribe but her behaviour seems to shady. When there's a female housemate around shes all ovwr me with her affection and always talking about "us" and "we" to her.

 

She also talked about going to a psychiatrist "for our relationship" because i had told her earlier i thought it could benifit her.

[IronZ]

lol she "accidentally" slapped his ass when meaning to hit him in the back. Yeah.. accidentally. OP I'm sure some people will say it's the 24 year old in her but heck I've dated 24 year olds that were not that provocative so it's really not an age thing. It's a she-ain't-loyal thing.

 

Let me say that again. She ain't loyal. If she's pulling this sort of crap in front of you imagine what she does when you're not looking. A girl like that would drive me crazy. I'd have gray hair just worrying about who she's with and what she's doing. Time to date someone a little more mature.

[Natalie8]

My girlfriend is an active slut. *****!

 

.

 

You say you have no evidence that she ever cheated but you are calling her a slut.

 

Then you sleep with her..hm

[VeveCakes]

the clock is ticking...it's only a matter of time before these guys giving her attention become the guys giving it to her in the bedroom.

 

Why doesn't she need these relationships? You are her boyfriend are you not? Does she have any female friends? I don't see why she needs to be chatting with men all hours of the day and flirting with them. Disrespectful.

 

in regards to the condom taste - a womans vagina will never taste like condoms on it's own. Think long and hard about that one.

 

Maybe some private eye work is in order.

[Hughes101]

the clock is ticking...it's only a matter of time before these guys giving her attention become the guys giving it to her in the bedroom.

 

Why doesn't she need these relationships? You are her boyfriend are you not? Does she have any female friends? I don't see why she needs to be chatting with men all hours of the day and flirting with them. Disrespectful.

 

in regards to the condom taste - a womans vagina will never taste like condoms on it's own. Think long and hard about that one.

 

Maybe some private eye work is in order.

 

She has cut out contact completely to all guys for the last 4 weeks. I know this because I've checked and there was a time she left her phone in my car for about 12 hours.. nothing. Checked all platforms that she could be communicating.

 

Of course I'm still suspicious about the condom taste. I asked her a few days later andshe did not seem worried/guilty. She showed me a cream shes been using which smelt faintly of latex. This was cream she was applying to her back. So shes either got zero empathy/sociopath, or guilty and a massive slut.

 

If she is an out of control slut shes hidong it very well.

 

Don't think I'll spend money on a private investigator because shes not worth it. Anyway even she comes up clean i still probably wouldn't trust her after that.

 

Something tells me she is not going to leave quietly

Edited November 26, 2015 by Hughes101

[Hughes101]

If she definitely has cheated I want to know for sure though. How can I get her to tell me. Her guard is up now so gathering evidence probably out of the question.

 

Some kind of ultimatum?

[IronZ]

Could hire a private detective to sniff around a bit and see what she's up to.

[Hughes101]

The thing is she lives with me. I know what times she works. She doesn't have a social life outside me... i would spend 1000s dollars trying to get any info.

 

Anyway I don't want to stay with her. But the ball is in my court and she will now do anything to try to save the relationship.

 

What if i tell her i won't talk to get until she tells me the truth? Then just cut off contact. I just want to be sure she had cheated so i can learn from it. . Otherwise would be possible to give her the benifit if the doubt and maybe even keep her in my life.

 

Then again there's no proof and a chance that there was an explanation for the weird taste..

 

Is it possible to get the truth from her

[Hughes101]

You say you have no evidence that she ever cheated but you are calling her a slut.

 

Then you sleep with her..hm

 

I meant she's acting slutty.

[IronZ]

The thing is she lives with me. I know what times she works. She doesn't have a social life outside me... i would spend 1000s dollars trying to get any info.

 

Anyway I don't want to stay with her. But the ball is in my court and she will now do anything to try to save the relationship.

 

What if i tell her i won't talk to get until she tells me the truth? Then just cut off contact. I just want to be sure she had cheated so i can learn from it. . Otherwise would be possible to give her the benifit if the doubt and maybe even keep her in my life.

 

Then again there's no proof and a chance that there was an explanation for the weird taste..

 

Is it possible to get the truth from her

 

Look man, let me lay some truth on you. Seems you're convinced she's cheated on you.. or at least 90% sure. Is it possible she did? Sure. It's also possible she didn't. You need to stop focusing on trying to get this "truth" out of her and see what's right in front of you.

 

What matters is the relationship as it is. Quite simply there's no trust anymore. She is behaving in a way that makes you feel bad and she's doing nothing to correct this behavior. You say she's desperate to save the relationship but what has she actually done to save the relationship? Nothing. By flirting with other guys and playing coy when you ask her about it she's disrespecting you. That's what it all comes down to. That's what you need to confront her with.

 

Just have a serious 1 on 1 chat with her and let her know that you don't feel she's being fair to you by acting the way she does and that you want to break up. This is not a healthy relationship. Unless there's some drastic change in her actions then there's really no hope. Even if she did change, would it make you any less paranoid? I think you would still have that distrust in the back of your mind. Who wants to live with that kind of feeling every day?

[Justanaverageguy]

Some people would tell you that you need to alpha male your way out of this but if that's not me then what?

 

It's not that i think she will cheat on me..It just feels bad, and i will then get obsessed about it, feeling more and more sick at the thought.

 

I was a but suspicious when the guys who she met recently who were obviously trying to bang her hadn't dropped off at the 2-3 month mark

 

What a mess.

 

It has nothing to do with being an Alpha male .... and everything to do with just knowing what you want and are comfortable with in a relationship and having a backbone to stick to that. You can't force her to act the way you want ..... but you can force yourself to only accept a relationship with people who are compatible with your relationship standards.

 

Now different strokes for different folkes - the rules aren't the same for everyone. Some couples both like to flirt with other people when they are out and are happy and confident in their relationship and so its not an issue. Some couples have open relationships where they are ok with sleeping with other people. Whatever works for both parties is fine.

 

You clearly aren't in either of these categories and if your girlfriend is straight up flirting with other guys and coming onto them in front of you when you are clearly not ok with it - then you need to do something about it.

 

Its not about hiring a private investigator, its not about trying to catch her out on the sly. Its about simply being upfront and honest about what you want in a relationship and telling your partner.

 

You are either on the same page or your not. If she flirts with a guy ask her wtf she is doing in a direct way. If she continues to do it ..... end the relationship. Why hire a private investigator ? Seriously if you get to that point it is time to end the relationship as its clearly not working.

[Hughes101]

Look man, let me lay some truth on you. Seems you're convinced she's cheated on you.. or at least 90% sure. Is it possible she did? Sure. It's also possible she didn't. You need to stop focusing on trying to get this "truth" out of her and see what's right in front of you.

 

What matters is the relationship as it is. Quite simply there's no trust anymore. She is behaving in a way that makes you feel bad and she's doing nothing to correct this behavior. You say she's desperate to save the relationship but what has she actually done to save the relationship? Nothing. By flirting with other guys and playing coy when you ask her about it she's disrespecting you. That's what it all comes down to. That's what you need to confront her with.

 

Just have a serious 1 on 1 chat with her and let her know that you don't feel she's being fair to you by acting the way she does and that you want to break up. This is not a healthy relationship. Unless there's some drastic change in her actions then there's really no hope. Even if she did change, would it make you any less paranoid? I think you would still have that distrust in the back of your mind. Who wants to live with that kind of feeling every day?

 

True it might not ever be worth it.

 

I calmly brought up my concerns last night. She swears she's innocent and suggests she takes a lie detector test.

 

It's going a bit Jeremy Kyle but i might cask her bluff. Just looking for one near to where i live

[crederer]

Re-read the post you made. Then pretend it was your best friend saying it. What would your response be?

[Hughes101]

Today gf showed me a msg she sent to the guy that she was msging and flirting with. . Basically asking if his intentions were ever to get with her. . Of course he said no.

 

This pissed me of big time because

 

A. It's between me and her. I thought her actions were innapropriate. What the guys intentions were are irrelevant.

 

B. In a roundabout way she had declared to a guy who likes her that we're having relationship problems and brought him back into the picture.

 

C. Wtf did she expect him to say "yes he was right, i wanted to bang you all along". He's not going to do anything stupid.

 

D. It was drama seeking.

 

E. Lack of respect for taking this stuff outside the relationship to someone of opposite sex.

 

F. Like something from school dayz.

 

Another argument.

[Hughes101]

Did not manage to be calm in my response