Kindly modify my "Talk"

[hyperion83]

I have moved on from everything that has happened before and I REALLY want our relationship to work. So, here is a short synopsis:

 

Started seeing each other in January.

 

Never really made it "official", but certainly acted like it.

 

She went home with an old flame in February, but says she only made out with him. Never told me about it. Found out on my own a little over a month ago and still, understandably bothered by it.

 

Have reached a point where everything is strong enough in the relationship where we can weather a storm and it is time for me to bring this up.

 

I have written a speech to (hopefully) draw the truth out so I can move on from this disaster and I am asking for anyone to give me input and modify it so I can reach my goal of her wanting to tell me everything.

 

Please, tell me if it sounds bad or if it may not entice the truth from you or her. Then, rewrite parts if possible. I will be eternally grateful! I am X posting to enotalone too as I have limited to to memorize.

 

 

START

 

 

Babe, listen we have to have a talk. Have you noticed how things have been lately? They have been pretty good, right? There is a reason. I have been planning this talk for some time now and there is a strong chance we may break up over this, or come out stronger. I needed this relationship to grow so that we had a chance to make it through this.

 

A few months ago we talked about pinpointing when our relationship officially started. When I said January or near it, you seemed to strongly suggest that it was march or April, I knew there was something up. I never asked anyone directly, but I knew what I had to do to get the answer. So, I waited for the right moment and it happened. I told someone that we have been dating almost 9 months now and they responded with something I feared; the answer to why you were so strongly suggesting march and April. I thought that they were just confused with the timeline, so I suggested we talk about it at another time. Fast forward to the wedding. I asked this person specifically when it happened and what happened, this is why the blow up occurred. I didn’t get an opportunity to talk to you about it, so I popped. I didn’t want to make you look bad or anyone else, so I didn’t mention why I was acting the way I did; that is why everyone thought I was an ******* and crazy. A couple of days after, I felt badly, but then that went away and even to this day I believe the way I acted was justified, regardless of what anyone else thinks BECAUSE they don’t know the circumstances and they don’t know my feelings for you. TBH, how is someone supposed to act once they find something like that out?!? Cordial? I respected the people who were involved and even to the end placed the focus on myself to protect you and the other person from looking bad.

 

Since then, there are two instances I want to point out. Do you remember the day of Jeff’s bbq how all of a sudden I started acting weird on our way to his house? It was because you started talking about our first date and the beginning of our relationship. The next is when I was at your house on your bed and suddenly woke up real quick like I was having a nightmare? It is because I was. I have had many, many of them and sometimes have trouble when I am alone falling asleep. Knowing things hurt, but i can get past them. It’s the things I don’t know that haunt me. It isn’t necessarily about what happened, I couldn’t stand and still not that you never told me.

 

This relationship needs to have a fresh start and I think you agree. You have told me about how you felt like deleting the pictures that we have because they remind you of some bad times. For me, having a fresh start is knowing that when **** hits the fan that you can, no matter the consequences, you will be honest with me. This is a huge deal, and probably the most important of all. I don’t know why/if you didn’t tell me what really happened, but I suspect there could be a few reasons. 1 That you don’t think others have a right to know your private business. Or 2 you love me and didn’t want to hurt or lose me. Or 3, you didn’t think it matters, which knowing you now, cannot possibly be true. The thing is, I do have a right to know because it involved me and because I am not just anybody, I am the person you love and your lover who deserves it from you. Since you love me, I am sure that it bothers you that I feel this way and that you could keep something from me and not be honest…it is just human nature.

I am your lover and quite possibly your future partner. I’ve said this, but I want to know when **** hits the fan that I can count on you to tell me. Wouldn't you like to know that even though everything is on the table, we could still make it through? Or, that even though we broke up, we broke up giving everything and knowing neither you or I continued living in a lie?

 

Please don’t hesitate to tell me even though it would hurt me or hurt you to say it. We have an opportunity to start a totally new thing together; one where we both know each other on the most intimate level.

 

No matter how much you value this relationship or me, i want you to understand how much the truth matters.

 

Please let me know now so i can move beyond these feelings.

 

END

 

I cannot tell you how much this means atm!

[hyperion83]

Still have not done it yet because she brought the situation up last weekend, but I still plan on talking to her about it. It is very frustrating to have her bring up how much she despises him every time we attempt to hang out with friends. I just want this gone.

 

I know it is long, but can someone edit this so it sounds good and I can get the damn truth! Thanks

[introverted1]

What s the issue here? That your gf was with another guy in the period between January (when you say you became official) and March/April (when she says you did)?

 

Are you asking her to confirm this?

 

Why do you need a speech? Can't you just have a conversation?

[clia]

I've read the speech and I can't understand the goal of it.

 

Are you going to read this to her? Please don't. It's way too much.

[Stage5Clinger]

Probably felt good to write that out but don't ever read that to anybody. Are you guys still together? I'm really confused why you'd have to write a speech to express yourself to your girlfriend. What an awful relationship you must have with her. I want a girlfriend who can predict what I'm going to say, feel, want, think. How far can this possibly go?

[bluefeather]

Sorry to put it this way, but this is a dumb idea. It has dumb written all over it. If you feel like something's up, just go out and say it. You are lying to yourself by repressing your feelings (dead giveaway with the nightmares) and lying to her by pretending to be ok while thinking about that crap. If you had a problem with it, you should have told her from the start. But if you weren't official, she pretty much had the right. That doesn't make it right, but that's up to you.

 

Yet another example of the negative side of not making things official. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/551471-making-official-when

[Rephinican]

I agree with most of what everyone else has already said. I'm sure that writing this post was cathartic and it was fairly well written but you should not ever read it to your girlfriend. It's too long, too meandering before it gets to the actual point of the question you want to ask, and too equivocating because it sounds like you are trying as hard as you can not to hurt her feelings here. I admire that. I really do. But I don't think you're going to be able to all but demand truth from your girlfriend and simultaneously be able to keep her from getting upset or feeling defensive. This is a heavy issue, and trying to skirt around the issue by not saying exactly what you think happened (that she cheated on you in the beginning of your relationship, and then lied to you about it) is only going to make things more difficult.

 

My advice? Take the speech and do the cliche movie best-man thing: Crumple it up and throw it away and then speak from the heart. Be direct, clear, concise and make sure that your girlfriend knows what you are asking. You need to be a good speaker here before you can be a good listener, and while it might be nice to have some eloquent prose to fall back on eloquence is not necessarily the most effective thing at all times. Just spit it out. Seriously. She's your girlfriend. She knows how you usually talk to her, and honestly reciting a prepared speech like this (and it will be fairly obvious that you are reciting a speech as we tend not to talk the way we write-- which is one reason why speech writing is so difficult) is just going to make her more on edge. Just talk to her.

 

And on the overall issue in general, I'm not familiar with your story so forgive me if I sound ignorant or assume too much. If your girlfriend never outright said or implied that you were exclusive, then as much as it hurts she did not cheat on you. If she did imply that you were exclusive then she most certainly did cheat on you provided what you know about her and her ex is true. The lying is a problem either way and seems to be what you are most preoccupied with, so unlike bluefeather I do think you have a point in this conversation. If honesty is the important part, then again be sure to make that clear. If the potential cheating is more important to you, then you might want to search your own memories to determine whether or not you were actually exclusive when it occurred.

 

-Reph

[bluefeather]

The lying is a problem either way and seems to be what you are most preoccupied with, so unlike bluefeather I do think you have a point in this conversation.

 

Agreed with everything stated. I'll only add to what I quoted by saying that I do believe there is a point to having a conversation, but I do not believe having it as a drawn out speech would be the best way, as you also pointed out. I would go right into it, shortly and directly. Though I believe that no matter what way she is approached, problems will come out of it. Good luck, hyperion83.

 

edit: Also, I hope you don't take me calling anything "dumb" as a bad thing. It's only my opinion, and I only state it so bluntly to give you an anonymous truth. Just trying to help.

[ExpatInItaly]

What exactly do you intend to do with this speech, OP? Read it to her? Memorize it and recite it?

 

I don't get what it is you're really asking of her or trying to say to her, and I read through it a couple times. It's far too long and rambling. I don't think it's a good idea. Speak from your heart.