heartofgold1 Posted October 9, 2015 Posted October 9, 2015 Hello everyone. I have been dating my boyfriend for two years. In the past couple of months, he has hardly wanted sex. He has said before that he doesn't like being pressured into it, so when I try to initiate it makes him pull away more. It has been a month since the last time we have had sex, and I'm going crazy. Every other part of or relationship is great. I still love him and I'm still very attracted to him, and he says he is still attracted to me.I want to talk to him about it but I'm afraid it will make him pull away more. I'm afraid we will fall apart if things do not improve. Any advice would be appreciated.
Jinx01 Posted October 9, 2015 Posted October 9, 2015 You need to talk to him. If he pulls away then it might mean the relationship is coming to an end. It's really not okay to withhold sex in a relationship. It usually means something is very wrong, it can be anything from him being passive aggressive to him cheating and getting sex else where.... 3
GunslingerRoland Posted October 9, 2015 Posted October 9, 2015 Sex drives aren't consistent, they go up and down for all people to some extent. But a month is a long time to go without sex for no reason. Pressure or not, you need to understand what the reason is for it. If he can't get an erection, there is medicinal help for that. If he doesn't want to have sex but it's not physical, then you need to get him to understand/explain to you why.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 9, 2015 Posted October 9, 2015 How are things in his life these days? Extra stress? Health issues? These can seriously impact someone's libido. If he otherwise seems okay, you really need to have an open, non-confrontational talk with him. Ask him what is affecting his desire and be prepared to hear whatever he has to say. See if you can find a way to work together to re-ignite things a bit. If he's unwilling to talk to you about it, you have a bigger problem. A relationship requires open communication, first and foremost.
kendahke Posted October 9, 2015 Posted October 9, 2015 Hello everyone. I have been dating my boyfriend for two years. In the past couple of months, he has hardly wanted sex. He has said before that he doesn't like being pressured into it, so when I try to initiate it makes him pull away more. It has been a month since the last time we have had sex, and I'm going crazy. Every other part of or relationship is great. I still love him and I'm still very attracted to him, and he says he is still attracted to me.I want to talk to him about it but I'm afraid it will make him pull away more. I'm afraid we will fall apart if things do not improve. Any advice would be appreciated. How old is he? Suggest he go to the doctor and get a thorough check up. IME, guys sometimes do go through this where sex isn't on the priority list for them. I noticed it happening with guys in their late 20's through early 40's... very interesting phenomenon. Generally speaking, these guys had some aspect of their lives which were overwhelming them and freaking them out. When left up to him, how long does it take for him to approach you for sex? When he does, how is the sex? Is he in a hurry to get the deed over with or is he attentive and enthusiastic? What was he like in the 2 years prior to this development? Between the two of you, who had more sexual experience coming into the relationship? Is he going through some overwhelming stuff at work or with his family? Or you? If things are great in your relationship, then why would a bump in the road like this cause 2 years worth of a relationship that you say is great to fall apart? If the tables were turned and he was here, would you encourage us to tell him to dump you or would you want us to tell him to stick by you and work through this together? Is he worth you working through this, I guess, is the question to you.
Author heartofgold1 Posted October 9, 2015 Author Posted October 9, 2015 He is 22 and has recently started school again and works nights. His sleep schedule is off and he will sometimes go over 24 hours without sleep. When he does initiate sex it is great. He had more experience coming into the relationship I lost my virginity to him. As with most relationships the sex was constant and nonstop so I expected it to drop off especially with us both in school and working. I need to talk to him about it like you guys said and face it instead of sweeping it under the rug.
Stage5Clinger Posted October 9, 2015 Posted October 9, 2015 The 2 year mark does this for every relationship. Fight through it! Romp his brains out anyway until he's back on board.
Jersey born raised Posted October 9, 2015 Posted October 9, 2015 No sex is a big message, but what? No sex to women is willing is a huge issue. PC warning, many women either in front or back of their minds think all guys are hounds, and will "do" any girl, anytime, any where, so why not ME??? He is acting passive aggressive, tell him to grow up and say what he s thinking. He has doubts about himself and his ability to be a goof provider and husband (me with first two serious girlfriends) He is seeing a mismatch, and lacks the maturity to address it.
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 9, 2015 Posted October 9, 2015 Hello, heartofgold1, could you clarify whether this guy, from this thread, is the same BF or a different one?
Author heartofgold1 Posted October 9, 2015 Author Posted October 9, 2015 Yes it is. Since that last post, he asked me to be his girlfriend shortly after.
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 9, 2015 Posted October 9, 2015 Yeah..... that went well.... The word 'incompatibility' springs to mind... Sweetheart, this guy really does sound an awful lot like too much hard work... You're splitting your sides trying to do so much to make him happy, but I honestly see very little reciprocation.....
Revan32 Posted October 10, 2015 Posted October 10, 2015 Yeah..... that went well.... The word 'incompatibility' springs to mind... Sweetheart, this guy really does sound an awful lot like too much hard work... You're splitting your sides trying to do so much to make him happy, but I honestly see very little reciprocation..... Yeah you're right, she should definitely dump every 2+ year relationship as soon as the guy goes through a slump. After all, guys who aren't incredible walking hard on's ready to satisfy their female every second of the day are hardly worth bothering with right?? Oh and I like how you are fine with calling them incompatible, and mentioning how you see very little reciprocation even though you've never actually seen either of these people, and only know about 2 paragraphs worth of their lives. Its incredibly narcissistic which I think is totally rad! Sarcasm aside, OP, have you tried spicing up your sex life? I started kinda getting bored with vanilla sex with a girl I was dating for 2 years too. So we started doing more exciting things which was a lot of fun. If he just has a really low sex drive/energy in general, it may be more caused from hormone imbalances than anything dealing with your relationship. Have him look up how to raise testosterone naturally. It has helped me in the past. 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 10, 2015 Posted October 10, 2015 Yeah you're right, she should definitely dump every 2+ year relationship as soon as the guy goes through a slump. After all, guys who aren't incredible walking hard on's ready to satisfy their female every second of the day are hardly worth bothering with right?? Oh and I like how you are fine with calling them incompatible, and mentioning how you see very little reciprocation even though you've never actually seen either of these people, and only know about 2 paragraphs worth of their lives. Its incredibly narcissistic which I think is totally rad! On a website/forum, when all we ever have to go on, is what one person tells us, naturally, that's all we have to make up our minds on. Just like you did about me. I could tell you you're wrong, but would it do any good? I doubt it now, if that's how you've made your mind up. Based on one post.... Ok..... I read her previous thread, and I'm trying to discern what the dynamic is. Of course I'm not right. Not always. But sometimes I am. The OP can decide for herself whether she feels my post is food for thought or not. Sarcasm aside, OP, have you tried spicing up your sex life? I started kinda getting bored with vanilla sex with a girl I was dating for 2 years too. So we started doing more exciting things which was a lot of fun. If he just has a really low sex drive/energy in general, it may be more caused from hormone imbalances than anything dealing with your relationship. Have him look up how to raise testosterone naturally. It has helped me in the past. Rather than focus on just the sexual aspect of it, I was also trying to determine whether their history was easy, bump-free and relatively uneventful. It seems she needs more from this relationship in general, than he's giving. Why he doesn't want sex, is anybody's GUESS. But trying to convince someone who doesn't feel it, by spicing things up, doesn't work. No matter what the issue, problem or reason.... I know. It just makes them MORE self-conscious, resentful, closed off, and the person spicing it up feels devalued, worthless, unloved and undesirable. Hope that helps. 2
Revan32 Posted October 10, 2015 Posted October 10, 2015 But trying to convince someone who doesn't feel it, by spicing things up, doesn't work. No matter what the issue, problem or reason.... I know. It just makes them MORE self-conscious, resentful, closed off, and the person spicing it up feels devalued, worthless, unloved and undesirable. Hope that helps. You know what's happened to you. They could, and likely have completely different problems going on. I think most problems concerning sex are hormonal. If I injected him with a bunch of testosterone they would have zero sex problems right now. Like OP said, he's going to school and working nights. Not having a proper sleeping schedule reeks havoc on a person's body. And no offense to him, but a guy not liking for a girl to initiate sex doesn't sound like much of a man at all. Which leads me back to thinking he probably has the hormonal profile of a little girl right now.
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 10, 2015 Posted October 10, 2015 (...*wreaks*...... I apologise. I think it's an OCD of mine. Spelling & grammar. Sorry.) Other that that mere trifle, I take your point. But hopefully you'll agree, basing our replies purely on what we have learnt form the OP so far, it's all a bit of a stab in the dark. And unless - and until - he admits this is creating a problem for them - I don't really know what, if anything, concrete SHE can do to remedy or rectify....
Revan32 Posted October 10, 2015 Posted October 10, 2015 (...*wreaks*...... I apologise. I think it's an OCD of mine. Spelling & grammar. Sorry.) Other that that mere trifle, I take your point. But hopefully you'll agree, basing our replies purely on what we have learnt form the OP so far, it's all a bit of a stab in the dark. And unless - and until - he admits this is creating a problem for them - I don't really know what, if anything, concrete SHE can do to remedy or rectify.... I was actually thinking to myself that this is the first time I've gotten to use *wreaks* in a written conversation. So I don't mind seeing the right spelling. Haha She may just have to wait it out. Often, these things fix themselves in a few months once the guy's adjusted. If they don't, then she can figure out more drastic steps to take.
kendahke Posted October 10, 2015 Posted October 10, 2015 (edited) He is 22 and has recently started school again and works nights. His sleep schedule is off and he will sometimes go over 24 hours without sleep. There is your answer--and you've known it all along. He's tired. that's why his sex drive is down. this is the inconsistency I see on your part: Every other part of or relationship is great. I'm afraid (talking to him about not wanting to have sex) will make him pull away more. I'm afraid we will fall apart if things do not improve. How can a relationship that is great except for this little bump be on the verge of falling apart just because you don't have sex for a few weeks? Edited October 10, 2015 by kendahke
Author heartofgold1 Posted October 10, 2015 Author Posted October 10, 2015 Lately when I try to initiate it just makes him upset. It used to turn him on, but now it pushes him further away.
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 10, 2015 Posted October 10, 2015 Lately when I try to initiate it just makes him upset. It used to turn him on, but now it pushes him further away. This is an indication that he feels guilt and self-conscious. I hate to say it, but don't initiate any more. But don't pussy-foot. Tell him, as the girl he loves and as the girl who loves him, it's important you guys discuss this, and be open with one another. he really needs to give you some insight into what he perceives to be the true, real problem. And (speaking from experience here) don't let him fob you off with excuses. "I'm tired, I'm stressed, I'm...whatever". Tiredness and stress are transitory, and think: Did he go off sex before he began losing sleep? What came first? Try to pinpoint the first time you realised there was a potential issue... Think of all angles and approach this sympathetically and supportively. But you too, as his 'nearest and dearest', merit some clarification.... 1
smackie9 Posted October 10, 2015 Posted October 10, 2015 You have been more than patient with him, BUT it is not fair to you....this is not what you signed up for. Why should you put up with it? Stand up to him and just say it....this isn't working for you, so things need to change or else. 2
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