Author Xiomn Posted October 17, 2015 Author Posted October 17, 2015 (edited) Good, had a dinner date at a restaurant Thursday evening, talked a lot and got to know each other a lot more, went back to her place to watch a movie and ended up staying over at her place as I always do. We hung out together all day the following day on Friday and went to a cocktail bar that night, got drunk went back to hers and things got steamy again Stayed over at hers 2nd night in a row and spent most of Saturday together too, only just got back Saturday night. Talked a lot over those days also getting to know each other more. We're having a day out in Liverpool tomorrow then next week she is taking me around to see her home city of Cambridge. Told her I enjoyed spending time with her on Thursday and she said same. Asked what she was looking for in terms of a relationship and she said she has only ever been in a short term relationship before (the 6 month one i referenced in other messages) casually asked if she wanted a more longer term relationship and she said she would like that. Haven't asked her if she wants to make it official yet though Edited October 17, 2015 by Xiomn
Author Xiomn Posted October 23, 2015 Author Posted October 23, 2015 (edited) 1 month in and she has started somewhat initiating texting to me now by confirming whether dates are still on etc rather than me having to do it but that's pretty much it. She also initiated something physical for the very first time in 1 month and I was really surprised about what it was. She's taking me around to see her home city tomorrow as I've never been there before, I guess in exchange for the fact I took her to a city up north which she has never been to either last week. I also got in the good books last week by remembering her telling me something she liked so I got her one as a little gift. Edited October 23, 2015 by Xiomn 2
Zippy2000 Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 Okay, looks like things are going well. You dont need to post to say if she interested as clearly she is. lol All the best mate.
Author Xiomn Posted October 26, 2015 Author Posted October 26, 2015 (edited) Well the trip was nice, spent 3 days over at her place as we usually spend a few days together every week at each others places. I asked her today what she thought about the idea of us making it official, prior to that I told her I wanted her to feel comfortable telling me how she feels. She re-directed the question back at me asking what I thought about it, which isn't a good sign. I just said something along the lines of "Well it's been over a month now ( 5 weeks) and i've enjoyed spending time with you and getting to know you and was just wondering whether you think it's too soon or not?" She just replied with "that's what I was thinking" so I took that as her saying she thinks it's too soon and I never said anything else. bummer.. Edited October 26, 2015 by Xiomn
J21 Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 Well the trip was nice, spent 3 days over at her place as we usually spend a few days together every week at each others places. I asked her today what she thought about the idea of us making it official, prior to that I told her I wanted her to feel comfortable telling me how she feels. She re-directed the question back at me asking what I thought about it, which isn't a good sign. I just said something along the lines of "Well it's been over a month now ( 5 weeks) and i've enjoyed spending time with you and getting to know you and was just wondering whether you think it's too soon or not?" She just replied with "that's what I was thinking" so I took that as her saying she thinks it's too soon and I never said anything else. bummer.. If you wanted to be official, you should have stated your opinion as such instead of being so wishy washy with what you said. What were you expecting? Her to just take over the conversation and say 'yes lets be official.'? You really have no one to blame but yourself. 1
Author Xiomn Posted October 26, 2015 Author Posted October 26, 2015 If you wanted to be official, you should have stated your opinion as such instead of being so wishy washy with what you said. What were you expecting? Her to just take over the conversation and say 'yes lets be official.'? You really have no one to blame but yourself. True, i messed it up with the wording, I essentially led her into that answer by bringing up whether she thought it was too soon or not and should have made it more clear my intentions of wanting to be official. Now i'm in the position though were I don't want to bring it up again though otherwise it will look desperate and/or pressurizing on my part.
thecrucible Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 True, i messed it up with the wording, I essentially led her into that answer by bringing up whether she thought it was too soon or not and should have made it more clear my intentions of wanting to be official. Now i'm in the position though were I don't want to bring it up again though otherwise it will look desperate and/or pressurizing on my part. Yeah it's possible she said she agreed with what you were saying so as not to come on too strong/take it at the guy's pace. It's something I would do, in the early stages, so I know the guy is fully invested before I invest in it myself. Just hope something isn't being lost in translation! I'd say if you two are having fun and bonding then that's more important than whether it's official or not. Maybe you can casually refer to her as your girlfriend when introducing her to a friend or something and see how she reacts? 1
Author Xiomn Posted November 6, 2015 Author Posted November 6, 2015 (edited) Invited her out to bowling last Thursday she said sounds good, I asked her when is she free and she said she should be free next week. Now I know this girl ain't got a job and only has lectures twice a week and doesn't do much during her days. I'm very skeptical when it comes to people being "busy". If they are interested in you and/or are interested in hanging out with you then they will make time for you. I even have a tattoo that reads "Actions speak louder than words" because it means a lot to me from what I have learned in the past. I mean what is an hour or two of your time going to take? Anyway, it's Friday the following week now and still no news. I even held my own for a bit and waited an entire 1 week without messaging her or anything to see if she would initiate any texts and no luck. I also still haven't met any of her friends which is no surprise since she doesn't initiate anything so I don't see why she would bother suggest to me meeting her friends. Decided to leave it up to her to text me whether I'm still up for bowling because she still doesn't initiate texts (or anything for that matter) almost 7 weeks in. If she doesn't text me by Monday then I think I might just call it a day to be honest as by then it will have been 2 weeks since we last hung out together. She has texted me once before whether I'm still up for something we planned at an earlier date so we'll see what happens. That may sound harsh or clingy to some people but I need constant communication and for far too long now it has felt like a one way relationship kind of deal. I even texted her on Bonfire night saying I'm planning on going to a firework display this evening if you and anybody else wants to come, (as a suggestive way of me telling her I'd maybe like to meet some of her friends) but she said she was going over to a friends flat. Edited November 6, 2015 by Xiomn
smackie9 Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 Only interested people keep in contact.....she's not interested. 1
Author Xiomn Posted November 6, 2015 Author Posted November 6, 2015 Only interested people keep in contact.....she's not interested. Why does she keep agreeing to dates with me? Do you think she's just afraid of coming out and saying she's not interested? :/ Really confusing.
J21 Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 Why does she keep agreeing to dates with me? Do you think she's just afraid of coming out and saying she's not interested? :/ Really confusing. Maybe she's got nothing better to do. She doesn't seem all that interested. You can't presume just because she goes out with you she likes you or is into you. You seem to be a "eh if he asks me out I'll go, but I'm not really into him" kinda guy to her. Trust your guts man, actions speak louder than words. 1
SwordofFlame Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 OP, other than sex, what does she contribute to the relationship? And how much effort has she put into the relationship?
Author Xiomn Posted November 6, 2015 Author Posted November 6, 2015 OP, other than sex, what does she contribute to the relationship? And how much effort has she put into the relationship? Well almost 7 weeks in dating/hanging out 2-3 times a week and not much. She never initiates texts (only one time she did was when she texted me to ask if we were still on for a date) but never initiated a date/hangout herself. She has never initiated anything physical apart from a blowjob, she asked if I wanted her to go down on me and I just said "if you want" since I don't mind, I'm a giver rather than receiver. Surprisingly that was the very first time she initiated anything physical, of all things. No hugs initiated by herself, no kisses initiated by herself, also never initiated sex by herself. (We've had sex probably 7 or 8 times now) She was willing to drive me 5 hours to see her homecity since I've never been there before but it was my suggestion.
smackie9 Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 Why does she keep agreeing to dates with me? Do you think she's just afraid of coming out and saying she's not interested? :/ Really confusing. Yup. There are those who don't like confrontation or hate being a bitc h for rejecting someone. They keep hoping you will get the hint to go away. Like I ALWAYS say, go by their actions, not what the tell you.
Author Xiomn Posted November 6, 2015 Author Posted November 6, 2015 Yup. There are those who don't like confrontation or hate being a bitc h for rejecting someone. They keep hoping you will get the hint to go away. Like I ALWAYS say, go by their actions, not what the tell you. Hmm well if she wanted me to get the message she could of easily agreed to meet up for a date then later messaged me saying something has come up and she can't make it, on several occasions.. or something equal to that effect. But she hasn't failed me yet when I ask her out on dates. That gives aid to the suggestion she is interested. Her other actions on the other hand tell a different story. Almost 2 months in and never initiates texts, never initiated any hugs, kisses of the sort.
J21 Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 (edited) Hmm well if she wanted me to get the message she could of easily agreed to meet up for a date then later messaged me saying something has come up and she can't make it, on several occasions.. or something equal to that effect. But she hasn't failed me yet when I ask her out on dates. That gives aid to the suggestion she is interested. Her other actions on the other hand tell a different story. Almost 2 months in and never initiates texts, never initiated any hugs, kisses of the sort. You really need to stop making excuses for her actions. We're just saying it like we're seeing it. Every time we bring up something to suggest she's not into you, you fall back to the: "then why would she do this, why would she do that" argument. You have a tattoo that says "action speaks louder than words"--I don't see a whole lotta action that shows she's into you on my end (from what you're telling us). Something is definitely not adding up if she is not initiating contact after 7+ weeks of seeing each 2-3 times a week. I'm definitely not trying to be rough on you either, it sucks accepting someone you like probably isn't into you. I'm just trying to put the reality of the situation into perspective. Edited November 6, 2015 by J21 1
SwordofFlame Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 She sounds incredibly lazy and doesn't think there is a problem with that. At this point, it's foolish to think she'll change. 1
Author Xiomn Posted November 6, 2015 Author Posted November 6, 2015 You really need to stop making excuses for her actions. We're just saying it like we're seeing it. Every time we bring up something to suggest she's not into you, you fall back to the: "then why would she do this, why would she do that" argument. Because that's the part that genuinely has me confused. :/
J21 Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 Because that's the part that genuinely has me confused. :/ Honestly, who cares what the reasons are? You dwell on the reasons as if it had some bearing whatsoever or change the actual conclusion. What ever her reasons are, it doesn't change the fact that her actions isn't consistent of someone that is very interested or into you. It's been a 1 sided relationship and you're too blinded to realize it because you're getting some sex. 1
Author Xiomn Posted November 7, 2015 Author Posted November 7, 2015 (edited) Well as we know I asked her out to bowling on Thursday 29th, she responded saying "yeah sounds good x" I asked her when is she free she said she "should be free next week" -- Fair enough, I don't see a problem since she hasn't failed to agree or show up on a date thus far the 6 and a half weeks we have been seeing each other. Anyway today, Saturday 7th, I hit her up again (yep, even though I said I wouldn't, but forget that for a second) asking whether or not she is still up for going bowling since she hasn't contacted me about it since. She says she is in her homecity at the moment and suggests maybe next week, again. Doesn't state a specific date, time or anything. Beginning to sound like a big red flag, but here I go again, she has done this before (saying that she is back at home for a few days and suggesting the following week, which she was) and we met up the following week as she suggested.. so I'm not sure whether to take her word for it or not on this occasion. If she knew she was going to be going back home the following week when I first suggested it then why suggest next week in the first place. ***How do people think I should reply to the "maybe next week?" question? given this situation. Should I be firm and state something along the lines of "Hey, yeah if you're really still interested like you say you are then text me when you want to go" Or is that too confrontational do you think? Edited November 7, 2015 by Xiomn
Author Xiomn Posted November 14, 2015 Author Posted November 14, 2015 (edited) Well here's a summary of when it started to go down hill: You can skip the summary half way down and get straight to the point were I talk to her about the state of our relationship and how she responds. I messaged her on a Thursday asking whether she wanted to go bowling, which as usual she agreed to so I didn't see a problem. Only this time when I asked when when is she free she said that she should be free next week, without stating a specific time or day. (No problem, fair enough maybe she has stuff already planned this week.) So I agree to next week, regrettably i should of probably specified a day next week myself but nevertheless. Saturday the following week rolls by, (so over a week) and I still haven't heard from her so I decide to message her again asking whether she is still up for going bowling, I was thinking tomorrow if you're still interested? She replies stating that she is back in her home city over the weekend, but said that yes she is still interested, maybe next week? Again for the second time in a row, still, I once again agree to next week, specifically asking her to text me when she wants to go, putting the ball in her court. Now this has happened before in the past were I messaged her to set up a date but she said she is back at home for the weekend, which she was, and we met up later the following week successfully without a problem. My only issue with it this time is that she agreed to meet up with me the week prior to go bowling sometime that week, so she effectively went home for the weekend knowing that we had made plans for that week, (well she did say maybe but nevertheless, without even bothering to tell me either that she was going home for the weekend and therefore wouldn't be able to make it. I essentially had to find out for myself. 1 week later, today (Saturday) I still haven't heard from her, and she didn't even bother to reply to my last text asking her to message me when she wants to go, I even said in the text for her to have a good weekend so the fact that she didn't reply back just to say something along the lines of "alright i'll message you next week when I'm free, you have a good weekend too', i thought was kind of disrespectful on her part. THE TALK I had a talk with her today, I told her I was getting the impression from her actions over the course of time we have been seeing each other that she doesn't seem all that interested in pursuing this dating relationship between us further, that I found her hard to read and was confused as to what she was looking for. I expressed how I felt in that I liked her and would very much like to pursue it further at some point but only if the feeling is mutual or whether I'm just wasting my time and should move on. I told her I don't want her to be afraid of telling me her true feelings and that I would very much prefer if someone were to tell me straight that they're not interested rather than pretend their interested and give me false hope when in reality they're not interested. She responded by saying she understands where I'm coming from in that i'm confused as to what she wants, expressing herself that she is hard to read. She said "just so you know I do like you" but she isn't sure whether she wants a relationship out of it yet and that if I'm looking for something more right now she would understand if I were to walk away. I responded saying I don't want her to feel like I'm pressuring her into anything and that I was just trying to clear up where we were at because we have never really talked about it before and expressed my desire to hopefully keep seeing each other in the future if she feels the same way. I also told her not to be afraid to get in touch if she wants to meet up sometime. She responded by saying she would also like to continue seeing me but expressed she is busy at the current moment with deadlines and stuff and as such she said she would get in touch when she is free so I casually reply saying 'no worries ' END OF TALK I'm pretty sure I've expressed earlier in this thread about my scepticism when it comes to people being busy though, especially since she has no job, only has lectures twice a week so I don't see how she could be so busy to not have any free time to meet up with me for an hour or two over the course of the entire 3 weeks we haven't seen each other. There really just isn't any justification for this unless you're in exceptional circumstances such as for example, being a single mum with a full time job or in the case of one of my friends being a student nurse whom works over 70 hours a week. I'm not pursuing this relationship any further unless she acts on her words of getting into contact with me when she is free. Edited November 14, 2015 by Xiomn
losangelena Posted November 14, 2015 Posted November 14, 2015 I'm not pursuing this relationship any further unless she acts on her words of getting into contact with me when she is free. Good. I'm sorry it's turned out the way it did, but ultimately, I think she does sound disinterested and you did everything you could do. It's disappointing, but not waiting for her is absolutely the best course of action on your part. 1
thecrucible Posted November 14, 2015 Posted November 14, 2015 I agree. The ball is in her court now. You did the right thing by being straight and just finding out where things were going. It doesn't seem like she's that interested or she's indecisive and can't be straight with you - either isn't good. I disagree with one thing though - it's possible to be busy and not have kids or long hours at work. I was experiencing that very thing recently. Good luck for the future and you know what to do to prevent this sort of situation from occurring again. 1
Author Xiomn Posted November 14, 2015 Author Posted November 14, 2015 I disagree with one thing though - it's possible to be busy and not have kids or long hours at work. I was experiencing that very thing recently. I guess, I mean i'd have to assess every situation individually to make a judgement if I'm going to be honest about it but what I was trying to get across is that if someone is interested enough they'll try and make time for you, in this instance she has had 3 whole weeks worth to try and make time with me no to avail which shows much of where her interest level is at.
thecrucible Posted November 14, 2015 Posted November 14, 2015 I guess, I mean i'd have to assess every situation individually to make a judgement if I'm going to be honest about it but what I was trying to get across is that if someone is interested enough they'll try and make time for you, in this instance she has had 3 whole weeks worth to try and make time with me no to avail which shows much of where her interest level is at. I think you know what your gut is telling you and you did the right thing. So feel good about that. If she is genuinely interested, she will come back. If not, then you're better off. You did the right thing. It's disappointing that things haven't worked out but you should feel good for having the talk and clarifying where you stand. Next time though when you ask her if she wants to meet next week and she says 'yes', don't be afraid to ask for a definitive arrangement. 1
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