Is it normal for the guy to stop picking up the tabs after four or five dates?

October 9, 2015

three men have paid more than me on dates. All in the region of about a pound or so...

The rest are either 50/50 or I have spent more/ paid for both... I have been on a lot of dates now... I am actually thinking I am doing something wrong with this...

Edited October 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

October 9, 2015

RedRobin you're so high on your high horse of outrage that you are not even reading my posts properly. I have clearly stated that I offer to pay frequently. He refuses to accept. He enjoys treating me. I have no problems with paying my way but I also have no problems with being receptive and appreciating my man's generosity and chivalry.

Hmmm... Calling guys cheap or broke, then advising Burger King for dates sounds rather, um, high horsey to me.

My guess is that you offer to appear nice? What if he actually took you up on it? You call him a gentleman for refusing your offer of splitting? Is there any other communications you handle in a sideways manner like that? Seriously, I can definitely understand why so many men are pissed and confused about the mixed messages.

October 9, 2015

How old are you OP? are you and him of same financial bracket?

After 5 dates you should not offer to pay half the bill but the FULL bill.

I would never expect a man to constantly treat me. Just like anyone else this man has a collection of bills to pay and probably child support as well.

I let a man pay for date 1 and 2 and I take the 3rd date on me. If he offers to take the bill or offers half I tell him no, it's on me and he can pick the next one.

I want to participate to our dating but I don't particularly like splitting the bills, I much prefer it's each our turn to pay.

Maybe women would have more success at dating if they didn't give so much importance to what their <girlfriends> are saying. Those girlfriends have sugar daddies or something? or have not dated since 1965!

+1!

This is what I do.

He pays for it, I pay for it.

October 9, 2015

Responding to the OPs concern about the guys change in behavior...

It is fair that you offered and he accepted. With all of the men I have ever dated up to that point, they found it very refreshing...

There were a few who sometimes took my offer to pay as me being desperate or easy. But offering to pay was a good way to sort out those guys who hold double standards for women... Win win.

I don't think you have anything to worry about. I always go on the quality of time spent together, not how much it costs. If that is still going great, then all is well. No worries!

October 9, 2015

If this is a legit question, CM, please start your own thread on the matter! No hijacking.

That's fair. Well at least you didn't recently go out with someone on multiple dates who never offered to pay!!

October 9, 2015

That's fair. Well at least you didn't recently go out with someone on multiple dates who never offered to pay!!

I said that because A) it's not fair of OP to bring a different topic to her thread, and B) your question will get more attention on its own thread.

Yes your situation sounds sh*tty, so if you want, let's talk about it—on another thread.

October 9, 2015

I said that because A) it's not fair of OP to bring a different topic to her thread, and B) your question will get more attention on its own thread.

Yes your situation sounds sh*tty, so if you want, let's talk about it—on another thread.

Just posted on another threa[d]. Check it out I would love to hear our opinion. As for the OP. I think it's normal. I would be thankful for a guy to pay the first few dates then split

Edited October 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

October 9, 2015

Admittedly I haven't dated in a long time, but I thought it was common practice for the guy to pay the first 2 or 3 times, and then it would become more of a give and take? I wasn't aware there was such a disagreement about this. However, even this seems to be outdated if you really think about it.

Traditional gender roles are slowly diminishing. They just are. And it's not fair (or logical) for either gender to get to pick and choose which traditional roles they want to keep (likely because they benefit from them). Women are viewed (by reasonable people) as equals in the workplace. Men are (slowly) becoming viewed as equals in parenting. We pound in young girls' skulls that they "can do anything" and we need to start teaching boys the same thing. I know I'm getting off-topic, but I just think as we keep progressing, we'll stop thinking so much about "what a man should do" and "what a woman should do."

Ultimately, it's obviously up to a couple as to whether a certain payment arrangement works for them, but personally I would expect a woman who legitimately liked me to start financially contributing after the first few dates. It just seems equitable and logical.

October 9, 2015

Everything you said OP sounds normal to me. I think guys who are interested often pay for date 1 at minimum, and sometimes date 1 to 3 or 4, then it starts to go back and forth or splitting.

The last guy I dated for any length of time made it clear on date 2 that he wanted to pay for at least the first few dates. Around date 4 I felt uncomfortable with not contributing so I paid, then over the next few months we dated we went back and forth. Or if we were doing multiple activities, I'd pay for the movie, he'd pay for dinner, I'd pay for drinks etc. It worked out, we didn't keep a running total or anything, but I would guess we netted out investing around the same.

I like when a guy pays for the first date, as long as I'm interested in him. It makes me a little uncomfortable when I'm not and I'll often either cover the whole thing or insist on at least paying half. From date two on I go with the flow. I'm not dating for a free ride, I'm dating to get to know the person. I am looking for an equal and reciprocal partner, and I think paying my way shows that. I also figure I like being treated once in a while, so why would I hold back from treating my date once in a while?

October 9, 2015

Bottom line....the man's actions speak for itself. He is looking for someone who is more his equal in expectations and like minded. She didn't show that she does so it's time to quit it, move on.

October 9, 2015

Folks, it appears a minimum of two moderators have worked this thread, apparently chock full of violations of our guidelines, so those members who can still read our forum and post freely on it, thank you for your contributions and please, going forward, confine them to the topic and within our guidelines, especially paying attention to our new group and individual berating guidelines as announced at the top of this, and every, forum on LoveShack.org.

October 9, 2015

It's normal for the women, if she'd been paid for on the first date, to offer to pay for their second date. Or at the very least, go dutch. It's not normal to expect your guy to be a walking ATM. This thread has made me despair.

October 9, 2015

He's obviously not that into her.

I don't think it's the case.

Do you have any suggestions of how I could bring it up? That I would like him to pay for me sometimes? He does pay for my drinks sometimes then I just feel guilty if I don't buy him back something equally. He doesn't make any comment, it's just the way I feel and always do. Girl friends called me silly for that. It happened with my ex too but he made it clear he believed that women and men should be equal and women have the right to pay for themselves too but he made more money than me so he paid for expensive things and i paid for smaller things.

But this guy is a new guy I don't know how can I bring it up. Maybe just reject going out with him?

October 9, 2015

It happened with my ex too but he made it clear he believed that women and men should be equal and women have the right to pay for themselves too but he made more money than me so he paid for expensive things and i paid for smaller things.

This makes sense and it's what I do when in a relationship with someone with disparate amounts of disposable income.

But this guy is a new guy I don't know how can I bring it up. Maybe just reject going out with him?

How was this topic brought up with your previous boyfriend? It's hard to bring these topics up early on since it's more of a relationship discussion (to me at least). How many dates have you been on? Who picks the places you go to? If he's picking places you can't afford, let him know you can't afford it. It will give him the opportunity to handle the cost or give you the opportunity to pick less expensive venues.

October 9, 2015

This makes sense and it's what I do when in a relationship with someone with disparate amounts of disposable income.How was this topic brought up with your previous boyfriend? It's hard to bring these topics up early on since it's more of a relationship discussion (to me at least). How many dates have you been on? Who picks the places you go to? If he's picking places you can't afford, let him know you can't afford it. It will give him the opportunity to handle the cost or give you the opportunity to pick less expensive venues.

My ex just knew how to handle it. He is older and has more experience with this I guess. However this new guy is young and although we've been on countless dates I still can't bring myself to talk about money issue with him.. It just feels..weird.

He is always the one to ask me out, we both choose locations and when we have to pay I always offer to pay half, he never said no. Sometimes he would buy me that and this then tell me I could pay for something else next. He doesn't give me the impression that he is cheap or anything at all. I'm the one who always offer and feel guilty if I let him buy things.. It's ridiculous to feel this way that I kinda hope he could stop me from reaching my wallet once and pay the whole bill. He knows that I am a student and he makes way more money than me...

He said he is trying to save money and I suggested doing something cheap and fun and he agreed but it's really hard going out without spending money.

October 9, 2015

it's normal for a cheapskate who isn't willing to put his best foot forward into dating.

It's also his prerogative... he will just not have a lot of dates move into relationships.

October 9, 2015

There's no such thing as "normal" in dating. It's more about what you are comfortable with. OP, does he make you feel weird/uncomfortable now that he has stopped paying for dates? If so, then you need to have an open & honest discussion with him.

Splitting the bill would be important to me as it would make me feel like an equal no matter if it were a first date or we were in an established relationship. Having a date pay for me would make me feel uncomfortable.

October 9, 2015

I don't like splitting the bill because that seems to rigid / friends for me. I'm either going to let him pay or I am going to pay 100% of the bill. I don't want to get serious dating and going out with people and splitting the bill (that's just awkward to me - like going out with co-workers, not a date).

That said, I offered (and paid) for dinner with my husband on our second date. He paid for dinner the first. We then went to a piano bar and he paid for drinks. He would always paid unless I offered - therefore it's important to offer every other time or every couple times.

I think your guy paying for 4 times with you contributing nothing is overly generous. Then you offered to split with him - you've yet to pay or treat him. I think you need to pay for an entire evening and am surprised by this many dates you still expect him to pay 100%.

Here's the thing, if you are both adults and both have jobs why should everything be free to you? As it turned out, I make a lot more money than my husband (but that wasn't obvious while we were dating). I would have felt horrible if I let him pay for everything while I had the means to pay.

October 9, 2015

it's normal for a cheapskate who isn't willing to put his best foot forward into dating.
It's also his prerogative... he will just not have a lot of dates move into relationships.

My personal experience disagrees with you. I used to pay 100% of all early dates and only two relationships resulted from that (one of which was in high school). All of my relationships in the last seven years have been with women who started contributing early.

October 9, 2015

My ex just knew how to handle it. He is older and has more experience with this I guess. However this new guy is young and although we've been on countless dates I still can't bring myself to talk about money issue with him.. It just feels..weird.
He is always the one to ask me out, we both choose locations and when we have to pay I always offer to pay half, he never said no. Sometimes he would buy me that and this then tell me I could pay for something else next. He doesn't give me the impression that he is cheap or anything at all. I'm the one who always offer and feel guilty if I let him buy things.. It's ridiculous to feel this way that I kinda hope he could stop me from reaching my wallet once and pay the whole bill. He knows that I am a student and he makes way more money than me...
He said he is trying to save money and I suggested doing something cheap and fun and he agreed but it's really hard going out without spending money.

Ask him how he feels about alternating paying? This will give you the opportunity to plan less expensive dates. My girlfriend will treat me to a $20 per plate dinner as that's within her budget. I'll treat her to a $50 per plate dinner since that's within my budget. I don't see this as unfair at this point in our relationship.

October 9, 2015

You sound entitled. Get over yourself.

You should have reciprocated and paid for an entire meal or two by now.

Date 5 is still early, but not early enough where the guy has to pick up the tab on everything.

October 9, 2015

serious about "investing" in you now, but the very same could be asked of women in a supposedly reciprocal relationship

I do not need a woman to pay for the dates to show me that she is interested. Actions speak louder then words.

Don't play games.

Pick up the phone when I call. I want to hear her voice. Texts, what texts, I don't need no stinkin' texts. Texting shows no effort. Going out with me, being in a relationship with me, doing recreational activities with me. I don't need no women paying for my dates.

My wife, when we started dating would brown bag breakfast for me when we traveled to work together.

Her moma trained her well.

October 9, 2015

My guy really doesn't like me to pay. I offer. But he likes to be the one paying, making the restaurant reservations etc. He's not rich (he's also not poor). He was just raised right and behaves like a gentleman. He makes me feel appreciated and loved and cared for. He is in his 40s which is probably part of why he has such beautiful manners.

This sounds a lot like my BF of 5 months.

He has his wallet out before the waiter sets down the bill. I have offered to pay for things a several times but he always refuses to let me. I just don't bring it up now. I figure he'll have a talk with me if he changes his mind. I have offered to take him out after dinner for something and he accepts but won't let me pay. Most guys I have gone out with let me buy them dessert or a drink after dinner but not this guy.

I always thank him. Everyone once in a while I do acknowledge how generous he is with me. I'm not sure what else I can do.

I try to reciprocate. I have suggested some outings thinking I'll surprise him with tickets but he already has reservations booked and tickets purchased before I can say anything. He thanked me but seemed a little uneasy with me cooking him something so I mostly stick to bringing things over that he likes such as home-bakes desserts. He seems to like dessert. He had the idea of watching a specific movie the other day so I offered to bring it over.

I am used to things becoming split as you move into relationship territory. I don't want him to feel resentful at some point. This side of the extreme is pretty new to me.

Edited October 9, 2015 by Miss Peach

October 9, 2015

yes, those guys who want to sort out the riff raff from the women genuinely interested in getting to know them...

Find something inexpensive or free that leans towards your mutual interests while you are getting to know each other. There are plenty of fun things to do that don't cost a lot and show a whole lot more creativity than throwing wads of cash at a woman.

If the only thing your date enjoys are expensive outings at your expense, then well, you know what her interests are. $$$$$$$

I agree with this mentality. I do not expect guys to take me on fancy restaurant dates.

One of my favorite dates ever was a guy who took me to a park on the water, laid down a blanket on the grass, had a small cooler with a few snacks and juice, and played me a song he wrote on his guitar.

October 9, 2015

Lol what the F did i just read? Men are not cash machines. Men should not have to pay for anything.

Its funny to see that women want men to pay because that shows he respects them and respects women's company. Aren't women receiving the same honor, to have the men's company?

And women want the same rights, but not the same obligations.

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Is it normal for the guy to stop picking up the tabs after four or five dates?

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