Is it normal for the guy to stop picking up the tabs after four or five dates?

October 9, 2015

Is he in debt? Why is he being so cheap?

The guy I'm seeing only paid for the first date and after that he always let me pay half. Is it normal? In my culture men are always the one to pay now that I'm dating a Western man I know it would be different and I don't want him to think I'm with him just for his money. But he makes a lot of money and I'm still a student, it would be nice if sometimes he can pick up the bill and pay for all once in a while but it never happened. I always offer paying half or if he buys me something when i dont have money on me i will buy him something else next time. I told him I don't have much money and suggested doing something cheap instead of going to restaurants..

October 9, 2015

Thanks for the diverse opinions on my topic. Really interesting to see everyone's take on this.

I guess the reason I asked is that I have mixed views about this issue: on one hand I agree with some of you that dates should be 50/50 and women should always contribute in some ways every now and then, especially when they are financially able. I despise people who take advantage of others just to get a free ride when deep down they have no true interest; I'm usually violently independent (sometimes not really a good thing lol) so I tend to be a bit uneasy when someone takes care of me constantly. However, I'm also influenced by some opinions of my gal pals who keep telling me that the guy is not gentlemen enough or has no true interest in me if he lets me split the bills with him, which is why I'm concerned. I'm not sure if I should take it as a good thing that he feels more comfortable with me and doesn't feel the need to "chase" or "woo" me anymore, or a bad thing that he doesn't want to invest in me now.

I feel like I'm mostly really fair when it comes to dates with any guy, unless the guy fights strongly for the bill or puts himself in an initiator's position where I have no chance to even offer. Regardless, here's what happened in regards to cost with the five dates with this guy:

Date 1: He picked a restaurant and made reservation. Dinner was on him and he insisted.

Date 2: Went to see a movie and grabbed a drink beforehand. I arrived on time but he got there way early and already got a drink and just asked the bartender to keep whatever I ordered on his tab. Then I realized he already took care of the movie tickets ahead of time as well. That surprised me. However, we went to a bar afterwards and got some food too and I took care of that entire bill.

Date 3: I drove 30 minutes to his place and we watched Netflix. I brought wine too.

Date 4: He picked another restaurant and we split the bill since I had a feeling it was pretty hefty.

Date 5: Dinner again and ice cream. We split the bill again and he paid for the ice cream afterwards.

So overall I feel it's been pretty fair so far. Having known him for a bit short of a month I'm not sure what other things I can do to show my interest without doing too much too early.

October 9, 2015

Is he in debt? Why is he being so cheap?

He's obviously not that into her.

October 9, 2015

Unless we're exclusive I'm not offering to pay (but I am not one of those women that just date men for free food, etc.). I wouldn't use a guy, it's just not me.

As pointed out earlier, these are conflicting. What happens when you date a guy for five dates and decide you don't want to pursue things further?

October 9, 2015

Is he in debt? Why is he being so cheap?

Perhaps he's a firm believer in equality.

October 9, 2015

A good example of how a woman should act.

Last week on our 4th date I took her to a comedy night, paid for the tickets in advance. £35. She paid for the train there. I bought the food and drinks there. Then in a different bar she bought a round of drinks.

She also insisted that she paid for the taxi home, £25. I told her not to

Be daft and gave her the money back but right as she got out she threw it back in the taxi.

This shows me she's not here for a free ride and I appreciate that. So I took her £25 and bought her some flowers and had them delivered to her house a few days later. A little bit of give and take by both parties goes a long way.

October 9, 2015

You seem very preoccupied with cash. It shows in the way you detail every £ and pence spent and by whom. If your girlfriend is happy with somebody who carries on like this then that's fine. But to many women this is not how they want their man to behave at all. Each to their own.

A good example of how a woman should act.
Last week on our 4th date I took her to a comedy night, paid for the tickets in advance. £35. She paid for the train there. I bought the food and drinks there. Then in a different bar she bought a round of drinks.

She also insisted that she paid for the taxi home, £25. I told her not to
Be daft and gave her the money back but right as she got out she threw it back in the taxi.

This shows me she's not here for a free ride and I appreciate that. So I took her £25 and bought her some flowers and had them delivered to her house a few days later. A little bit of give and take by both parties goes a long way.

October 9, 2015

Did you contribute to the manicure pedicure nice clothes hair blah blah blah ...believe me ...I'd be presenting you with a bill at the end of the night ...you'd be surprised at the amount.

Is this comment supposed to be serious?

If so it's one of the most ridiculous ones I've seen on here.

How on earth can you possible think that makes any sense?

It's like saying the woman should pay for the guys gym membership or his new carbon fibre road bike. Total nonsense.

As if we give two shytes how many pedicures you have.

October 9, 2015

That is the reason people DATE to find someone compatible. Some guy told me earlier I am eliminating men if I don't offer to pay. Awesome! Because I believe in being traditional and it weeds out men I would probably not be compatible with. While you see it as a negative, I see it as a positive AND isn't life great? If we were all the same and thought alike, what a boring world this would be

Edited October 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

October 9, 2015

I'm 51 and I think women need to step up and pay up...this self entitlement is silly. Times are different, it's not the 1950's, women are now financially independent, so no excuses.

(And as I have said many times) When I was in my 20's dating I paid for dates and I did ask men out. It was great, and if I was single today I would have no problem doing it again. I take pleasure in doing it.

October 9, 2015

Thanks for the diverse opinions on my topic. Really interesting to see everyone's take on this.

I guess the reason I asked is that I have mixed views about this issue: on one hand I agree with some of you that dates should be 50/50 and women should always contribute in some ways every now and then, especially when they are financially able. I despise people who take advantage of others just to get a free ride when deep down they have no true interest; I'm usually violently independent (sometimes not really a good thing lol) so I tend to be a bit uneasy when someone takes care of me constantly. However, I'm also influenced by some opinions of my gal pals who keep telling me that the guy is not gentlemen enough or has no true interest in me if he lets me split the bills with him, which is why I'm concerned. I'm not sure if I should take it as a good thing that he feels more comfortable with me and doesn't feel the need to "chase" or "woo" me anymore, or a bad thing that he doesn't want to invest in me now.

I love how everyone is having these little side arguments and totally ignoring the OP!

What's gone on so far in your relationship sounds fair and quite normal. How I'm reading it, it sounds as if you're not as bother by having to contribute (which I think is a good thing), than you are about what it could "mean" that this guy is letting you contribute. Have I got that right?

OK, so your GFs are putting these ideas into your head—but what do YOU think? Furthermore, aside from paying for things, how has this guy SHOWN you his interest?

From the men posting here, it's clear that many of them value a woman who will pony up her own money on occasion. I mean, you're wondering if he's serious about "investing" in you now, but the very same could be asked of women in a supposedly reciprocal relationship where both parties have equal say.

Remember, the tradition of a man paying for dates is rooted in a time where women COULDN'T pay. They either didn't work, or if they did, the relationship dynamics were still much more that the man was in charge. Those attitudes are quite antiquated now, yet this notion that it's chivalrous for a man to pay, or that he's only serious about you if he pays, have clung on somehow.

My ex always made it clear that he didn't mind spending his money on me; he enjoyed doing it. At the same time, he did not mind if and when I said I'd pay or say let's split it. I imagine most men are like that.

Next time these hens of your start putting a bug in your ear like that, tell them to put a sock in it!

October 9, 2015

I don't understand how women expect equality in everything except dating. You can't have it both ways. This is 2015 not the 1950's.

October 9, 2015

I love how everyone is having these little side arguments and totally ignoring the OP!

You're right, I totally missed her last post.

Date 1: He picked a restaurant and made reservation. Dinner was on him and he insisted.

Date 2: Went to see a movie and grabbed a drink beforehand. I arrived on time but he got there way early and already got a drink and just asked the bartender to keep whatever I ordered on his tab. Then I realized he already took care of the movie tickets ahead of time as well. That surprised me. However, we went to a bar afterwards and got some food too and I took care of that entire bill.

Date 3: I drove 30 minutes to his place and we watched Netflix. I brought wine too.

Date 4: He picked another restaurant and we split the bill since I had a feeling it was pretty hefty.

Date 5: Dinner again and ice cream. We split the bill again and he paid for the ice cream afterwards.

So overall I feel it's been pretty fair so far. Having known him for a bit short of a month I'm not sure what other things I can do to show my interest without doing too much too early.

OP, I agree. You're being quite fair. The important thing (to me) is that you're showing him that you're willing to invest in the relationship as well.

If you're looking for ideas on what more you can do without doing too much too early, you can plan a date or suggest an event. I'm sure you've discovered something you will mutually enjoy but haven't done yet.

October 9, 2015

You're right, I totally missed her last post.OP, I agree. You're being quite fair. The important thing (to me) is that you're showing him that you're willing to invest in the relationship as well.

If you're looking for ideas on what more you can do without doing too much too early, you can plan a date or suggest an event. I'm sure you've discovered something you will mutually enjoy but haven't done yet.

I think the point that everyone is missing with all the petty side arguing is that OP is NOT complaining about paying. She's wondering if this guy isn't serious enough about her because he's allowing her to split the bill or pay for things. As if accepting her offer to split is a sign that he's not "invested enough."

I think that's highly unlikely, given what's happened, but what about everyone else?

October 9, 2015

I get the distinct impression from some of the women on here that men should be solely responsible for getting the womans interest. He should be the one making the effort, he is the one who should be so lucky.

How do you think that makes us guys feel? I get it, you girls want to feel wanted, you want to feel appreciated, you want to feel special. But why do you think it's any different for us men?

Constantly expecting the man to pay smacks of entitlement and if I were a guy in such a position I wouldn't feel appreciated by the woman in the slightest.

Edited October 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

October 9, 2015

I think the point that everyone is missing with all the petty side arguing is that OP is NOT complaining about paying. She's wondering if this guy isn't serious enough about her because he's allowing her to split the bill or pay for things. As if accepting her offer to split is a sign that he's not "invested enough."

I think that's highly unlikely, given what's happened, but what about everyone else?

I agree with you. His accepting her offer of splitting the bill is not a sign of disinterest. As mentioned in the original post, he is still attentive and the only change is that he is accepting her offer to split. Speaking from experience, if I'm losing interest in a woman, I am less attentive.

OP, have there been any other changes?

October 9, 2015

Anyways OP in regards to what you asked and what you have said, I don't think that there's anything abnormal going on in your relationship. In fact, it sounds to me like you are less bothered by this than your girlfriends want you to be and that they are rabble-rousing in an attempt to get you angry with your boyfriend. Quite simply, why should you care what they think so much? They are not in this relationship with you, and you have a much better idea of what is going in this relationship than they do. If this is the only potential red-flag in your realtionship I would say that things are absolutely fine between you and this guy. If there are others, then things may be a bit less fine but you could always ask him why he is suddenly wanting you to split the check with him if you are feeling insecure about it.

I tend to pay for my girlfriend (because I WANT to pay for my girlfriend and I have more spare income than she does) but she does offer to pay and "pays me back" with desserts, home-cooked meals, and other non-monetary things. Quite a few of my friends split the checks with their girlfriends, and I don't think there's anything wrong with it. It's not like he suddenly started demanding that you pay everything is it? And again, it doesn't sound like you are too bothered by the fact that he's asking you to chip in and it sounds like if your friends didn't have an issue with it you wouldn't either. So, I agree with losangelena: Tell your gal-pals to put a sock in it about who pays for whom as you really don't mind it all that much.

-Reph

Edited October 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

October 9, 2015

If what a woman (or man) wants is a relationship, then some balance and egalitarianism needs to come into play. The economy isn't great (no matter what the pundits say), and I have my own career too. I don't expect a man to do it all. Now, if he rants about it or gets out his calculator to make sure we're "even," then I will not be dating him because that is just jaded and petty. But yes, give and take back and forth makes sense to me.

October 9, 2015

That's because modern feminism is such a glaring double standard.

It isn't feminism, we have just forgotten why men paid for dates in the first place. Women traditionally had to rely on the man to bear the financial burden in life. Unless you had money you couldn't date a girl because she had no job herself.

The increase of women in the work force meant that as their social mobility increased so should their financial obligation. Somehow (and fair play to them) women have managed to convince men that to keep paying while the woman accrues her own wealth (and asserts ever greater independce of her own choices) is the right thing to do. They want to earn the same as a man but they don't want to pay the same. Worse, some go one step further by shaming men into staying bound to the yoke by saying it is 'unsexy' when he wants to split the bill. Or like the poster earlier they offer and then recoil in horror when he accepts.

I pay depending on my reading of the situation with the girl. Tonight I am taking a girl on a 2nd date to a pricey restaurant where I am paying (she doesn't know this), I expect nothing in return but I do have the reservation thst it becomes expected behaviour. That is my issue, what the female reaction is (which us men can't obviously know).

What I mean by that is if I pay for a meal as part of the no commitment early stages of dating and it fizzles out shortly after then that in and of itself is not a problem. If that girl then has 10 further meals all with different guys that they pay for she may start to get the idea that her company carries a price tag and men should be paying just to see her. By definition her and the man are not equals.

Sometimes I think I am worrying unnecessarily about this mindset as all my first dates tend to be me and the girl buying rounds of drinks in turn so the cost is split and I haven't had any complaints and it has lead to second dates and no issues there.

But then I read threads like this...

October 9, 2015

I've just had the fifth date with the guy I've been seeing and I noticed that although he's still very gentlemen-like and interested in pursuing things further, he started letting me split the check with him since date four, and I wonder what's up with that. Don't get me wrong, I usually give off an impression of an independent woman and I'm not a spoiled brat who believes that men should ALWAYS pay for dates, but I feel like men should still pay for MOST of the dates during early stages of dating. I guess it can also depend on who invited whom out, or income differences.

He was very attentive during our first few dates - dinners on him, bought movie tickets in advance, called for reservations, etc. He's still attentive now but I guess we're getting more "stable" and we both know that things are headed toward more serious directions. These last two dates I tried to be nice and offered to split the bill, and he gladly and quickly went with an "OK!" and truth be told I'm not quite used to that. Of course if we get other small things (e.g. ice cream) after dinner or other random purchases, he'd still pick up the tab.

Just wondering if anyone has any insights on this or similar experiences.

Do I think this guy likes you ...sure. But does the date paying arrangement work for you? (Rhetorical question). It clearly doesn't. I would speak to your guy and tell him how you feel ...that it feels too much like a business dinner when you split things like this.

I do firmly believe in contributing ...I just do it I a way that I still feel like a romantic interest. I like being courted.

Here are ways you can suggest to your guy (I have done all of these)

I buy gift cards and tell the guy I happen to have a gift card to a restaurant that he likes a lot

I surprise him by buying tickets to a concert he would like to attend

Make a romantic meal for him (thinking about this ...if you make dinner for him ...do you show him the grocery bill and ask for his half? Ridiculous right)

Buy a gift for him (things I've done after dating a while ...leather initialed briefcase for a guy I'd dated who had an old one)

Buy tickets online for a movie you're going to and tell him the evening is all set up ... Do the studio movie grill thing and prepay

Pre purchase tickets to a festival

Pre purchase tickets to a wine tasting

Guys really like these gestures and it shows them you care for them and are a giver

...do what feels right and good for you ...you do not seem to be a taker and truly like this guy so you're not taking him for a ride ...which I do not go for either ...but I also do not like pulling out my wallet and splitting a check ...I prefer other methods.

Edited October 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

October 9, 2015

How old are you OP? are you and him of same financial bracket?

After 5 dates you should not offer to pay half the bill but the FULL bill.

I would never expect a man to constantly treat me. Just like anyone else this man has a collection of bills to pay and probably child support as well.

I let a man pay for date 1 and 2 and I take the 3rd date on me. If he offers to take the bill or offers half I tell him no, it's on me and he can pick the next one.

I want to participate to our dating but I don't particularly like splitting the bills, I much prefer it's each our turn to pay.

Maybe women would have more success at dating if they didn't give so much importance to what their <girlfriends> are saying. Those girlfriends have sugar daddies or something? or have not dated since 1965!

October 9, 2015

As an older member on this site I may be a bit old fashioned but I still think that a man should pay. With that being said I am not opposed to a woman I have been seeing to plan and ask me out (and pay as well) once in a while after dating for a period of time. I know many of you will think that's sexist but that's just the way I was raised.

How do you feel about a guy who you went on multiple dates with and never payed ?

October 9, 2015

How old are you OP? are you and him of same financial bracket?

After 5 dates you should not offer to pay half the bill but the FULL bill.

I would never expect a man to constantly treat me. Just like anyone else this man has a collection of bills to pay and probably child support as well.

I let a man pay for date 1 and 2 and I take the 3rd date on me. If he offers to take the bill or offers half I tell him no, it's on me and he can pick the next one.

I want to participate to our dating but I don't particularly like splitting the bills, I much prefer it's each our turn to pay.

Maybe women would have more success at dating if they didn't give so much importance to what their <girlfriends> are saying. Those girlfriends have sugar daddies or something? or have not dated since 1965!

Gaeta what are your thoughts on a guy you went on multiple dates with who never payed ??

October 9, 2015

Gaeta what are your thoughts on a guy you went on multiple dates with who never payed ??

If this is a legit question, CM, please start your own thread on the matter! No hijacking.

October 9, 2015

Gaeta what are your thoughts on a guy you went on multiple dates with who never payed ??

I would not go on dates with a man that never pays lol

I am not an ATM and I don't treat men like ATMs either.

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Is it normal for the guy to stop picking up the tabs after four or five dates?

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