someguy03 Posted October 9, 2015 Posted October 9, 2015 (edited) 3 weeks ago I broke things off with a beautiful and sweet girl (I'm 25 and she's 24) because she was driving me away with a variety of things I didn't quite understand at the time. I now realize that she is extremely codependent and love-addicted. We dated for a month but I've known her for 5 years, so I wouldn't say it's a random girl I met on the internet. I am not a narcissist, so I don't fit the profile of a guy who ends up with a codependent girl. She: - Didn't seem whole or happy with her life, it felt like she was gaining her happiness through me - Too affectionate and lovey. Needed to be constantly touching, cuddling, holding hands - Very submissive and lacked self-worth, and seemed like she was trying to latch on to me and my interests My question is... can I help her heal? Should I have stayed with her and tried to help? If I CAN help her, I would like to. She is already dating someone else which blows my mind. I am of course upset/jealous, but even worse is the idea of her just continuing her codependent behavior. It hurts me and feels like I just said "nope you are damaged, bye" and dumped her on the side of the road for another guy to pick up. Again, I've known her for years, so I look at it a bit different than a random girl. Edited October 9, 2015 by someguy03
Blanco Posted October 9, 2015 Posted October 9, 2015 You can't fix anyone. That's her job. And it doesn't sound like she's at a point yet where she wants to correct this behavior, so any effort on your part would've been wasted. I've learned that there's no sense in feeling too sorry or guilty for someone like this, even if they mean a lot to you. They have to come to terms with their issues before anything will really change, and the onus to make these changes are entirely on them; not their partner. 2
Author someguy03 Posted October 9, 2015 Author Posted October 9, 2015 You can't fix anyone. That's her job. And it doesn't sound like she's at a point yet where she wants to correct this behavior, so any effort on your part would've been wasted. I've learned that there's no sense in feeling too sorry or guilty for someone like this, even if they mean a lot to you. They have to come to terms with their issues before anything will really change, and the onus to make these changes are entirely on them; not their partner. Thank you sir, as I thought. I appreciate it.
Hope87 Posted October 9, 2015 Posted October 9, 2015 3 weeks ago I broke things off with a beautiful and sweet girl (I'm 25 and she's 24) because she was driving me away with a variety of things I didn't quite understand at the time. I now realize that she is extremely codependent and love-addicted. We dated for a month but I've known her for 5 years, so I wouldn't say it's a random girl I met on the internet. I am not a narcissist, so I don't fit the profile of a guy who ends up with a codependent girl. She: - Didn't seem whole or happy with her life, it felt like she was gaining her happiness through me - Too affectionate and lovey. Needed to be constantly touching, cuddling, holding hands - Very submissive and lacked self-worth, and seemed like she was trying to latch on to me and my interests My question is... can I help her heal? Should I have stayed with her and tried to help? If I CAN help her, I would like to. She is already dating someone else which blows my mind. I am of course upset/jealous, but even worse is the idea of her just continuing her codependent behavior. It hurts me and feels like I just said "nope you are damaged, bye" and dumped her on the side of the road for another guy to pick up. Again, I've known her for years, so I look at it a bit different than a random girl. I agree that no partner is capable of "changing " a person, especially if that person isn't ready or willing to reform him or herself but how have you come to the conclusion that she doesnt have the desire to change? Have you spoken to her about her behaviour and perhaps tried to investigate the reason for her codependcy and love addiction? I find that people these days are so quick to give up on people. Nobody's perfect and sometimes patience can go a long way. I don't know the extent of her issues but my policy is generally to ensure that I give my best in relationships and not flee at the sight of a challenge. Maybe she's experienced a lot of heart break or terrible relationships in the past which damaged her self esteem. Maybe she's not familiar with the concept of "loving oneself". Maybe she needs someone who cares enough about her to at least attempt to help her ( provided she's willing). I think in your heart, you know that you didn't give in as much as you could have. 1
Author someguy03 Posted October 10, 2015 Author Posted October 10, 2015 (edited) Well... those are 2 completely different answers Being that she is with a new guy, it is much harder to approach her. My friends have had varying opinions. I talked to her last weekend at a birthday party and it was very obvious she was upset but focused on trying to remove her feelings for me and concentrate on this new guy. I'm very torn, as I'm not sure if she would be able to take any input from me in stride. My best friend thinks she would blow up on me. It hurts knowing that I didn't give it as much as I could have. But now I think I might have missed the window? Sigh.. Edited October 10, 2015 by someguy03
Itspointless Posted October 10, 2015 Posted October 10, 2015 I don't know the extent of her issues but my policy is generally to ensure that I give my best in relationships and not flee at the sight of a challenge. Isn't that the core of a good relationship? Being able to face problems together and show each-other how to be a better self, while trying to do that yourself too. We all have our things to work on. So I disagree with Blanco on his remark about not feeling too sorry for her. What a strange thing to say. 1
Stage5Clinger Posted October 10, 2015 Posted October 10, 2015 My question is... can I help her heal? Should I have stayed with her and tried to help? If I CAN help her, I would like to. She is already dating someone else which blows my mind. I am of course upset/jealous, but even worse is the idea of her just continuing her codependent behavior. It hurts me and feels like I just said "nope you are damaged, bye" and dumped her on the side of the road for another guy to pick up. Again, I've known her for years, so I look at it a bit different than a random girl. No, dude. You can't help her heal because you broke it off with her for being infatuated with you. There may not be anything wrong with her at all. She just really liked you. Don't mess up her next relationship because you feel like you messed up.
FakeBatman Posted October 10, 2015 Posted October 10, 2015 3 weeks ago I broke things off with a beautiful and sweet girl (I'm 25 and she's 24) because she was driving me away with a variety of things I didn't quite understand at the time. I now realize that she is extremely codependent and love-addicted. We dated for a month but I've known her for 5 years, so I wouldn't say it's a random girl I met on the internet. I am not a narcissist, so I don't fit the profile of a guy who ends up with a codependent girl. She: - Didn't seem whole or happy with her life, it felt like she was gaining her happiness through me - Too affectionate and lovey. Needed to be constantly touching, cuddling, holding hands - Very submissive and lacked self-worth, and seemed like she was trying to latch on to me and my interests My question is... can I help her heal? Should I have stayed with her and tried to help? If I CAN help her, I would like to. She is already dating someone else which blows my mind. I am of course upset/jealous, but even worse is the idea of her just continuing her codependent behavior. It hurts me and feels like I just said "nope you are damaged, bye" and dumped her on the side of the road for another guy to pick up. Again, I've known her for years, so I look at it a bit different than a random girl. My ex-girlfriend sounds just like your girlfriend - difference is that I stayed and over time because I couldn't give her that happiness that she thought she could have got with me (when she should have got it from within herself) she treated me like as if I was the worst boyfriend in the world, belittling me, insulting my family. I tried and tried to make things right but she wouldn't accept anything, she was convinced in her mind that I did not genuinely love her at all and that I was that bad of a partner. Funny how my friends, family, strangers and her father think that I'm a very warm, loving person yet she has no friends and her acquaintances think that she is aloof and inconsiderate...
Author someguy03 Posted October 10, 2015 Author Posted October 10, 2015 (edited) No, dude. You can't help her heal because you broke it off with her for being infatuated with you. There may not be anything wrong with her at all. She just really liked you. Don't mess up her next relationship because you feel like you messed up. I take offense to that. I'm not denying it was infatuation. But why can't it be both? While I don't expect you to make the effort to ask for more information, I believe that's a very huge statement to make without the entire picture. You don't know how I came to the conclusion that she was codependent and love addicted. I do see where you are coming from with ruining her next relationship, though. My ex-girlfriend sounds just like your girlfriend - difference is that I stayed and over time because I couldn't give her that happiness that she thought she could have got with me (when she should have got it from within herself) she treated me like as if I was the worst boyfriend in the world, belittling me, insulting my family. I tried and tried to make things right but she wouldn't accept anything, she was convinced in her mind that I did not genuinely love her at all and that I was that bad of a partner. Funny how my friends, family, strangers and her father think that I'm a very warm, loving person yet she has no friends and her acquaintances think that she is aloof and inconsiderate... I'm sorry man, I've been there. My last ex-girlfriend did the exactly same thing to me. She had so much potential to be happy and successful, which is what attracted me to her, but her life was a mess. I'd never been belittled so much in my life. She focused all of her anger and sadness at me. Maybe thats why I was so hesitant to stay with this girl. I hope you are in a better place now. Edited October 11, 2015 by someguy03
stillafool Posted October 11, 2015 Posted October 11, 2015 No leave her alone. Maybe this new guy likes a girl who is a bit needy and submissive. Those girls are rare in this day and age. He might feel like he's found a jewel. Let her be happy.
thejabberwocky Posted October 11, 2015 Posted October 11, 2015 You absolutely cannot fix her or anyone else for that matter. If you don't want to be with her just as she is, then you should let her be and move on. It is sad that she's dependent and needy, but that is her choice and she will be like that for the rest of her life unless she decides to change it.
Author someguy03 Posted October 11, 2015 Author Posted October 11, 2015 These posts have brought me to realize that in almost every way I have been comparing this girl to my ex girlfriend. I thought "I know you, I know what kind of girl you are" because I thought she was exactly the same as my ex. I kept thinking, "how am I dating a clone of my ex girlfriend?". But maybe I wasn't. I'm starting to realize that might have been an unfair and damaged way of looking at our relationship. Guess I have more problems than I thought.
Stage5Clinger Posted October 11, 2015 Posted October 11, 2015 These posts have brought me to realize that in almost every way I have been comparing this girl to my ex girlfriend. I thought "I know you, I know what kind of girl you are" because I thought she was exactly the same as my ex. I kept thinking, "how am I dating a clone of my ex girlfriend?". But maybe I wasn't. I'm starting to realize that might have been an unfair and damaged way of looking at our relationship. Guess I have more problems than I thought. Relationships are a reflection of ourselves. Think about how much you've learned from these types of situations and apply it to your next relationship!
Author someguy03 Posted October 11, 2015 Author Posted October 11, 2015 Relationships are a reflection of ourselves. Think about how much you've learned from these types of situations and apply it to your next relationship! Looking at it from the other end... How do I know it's not a pattern of me dating the same kind of girl over and over?
stillafool Posted October 11, 2015 Posted October 11, 2015 Looking at it from the other end... How do I know it's not a pattern of me dating the same kind of girl over and over? Yes, start there. Be on the lookout not to date this type of girl again.
Itspointless Posted October 11, 2015 Posted October 11, 2015 Looking at it from the other end... How do I know it's not a pattern of me dating the same kind of girl over and over? Find out what you attracted to these girlfriends and why you are attracted to those traits. The next time when you feel attraction to something be mindful of it is because of these things or not. It might be a good thing to investigate this a bit, as it might be that you are attracted to these girls for a reason lying in your past.
foolinlove79 Posted October 12, 2015 Posted October 12, 2015 One big lesson i learned from my previous relationship is that you cant make someone else happy. People need to be happy in themselves before they can ever be happy with someone else. If she has these problems she needs to recognize them herself and want to work on them.
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