akchoco14 Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 Hi everybody. I've been reading on and off on this forum and figured this is one of the better places to post. I'm a 28 year old male, and have been dating my girlfriend (27 years old) for around 7 years now. Our relationship is fantastic, and we're essentially two peas in a pod. I love her very much. We do not have live together, but we do spend as much free time as possible together. We're very good at giving each other space and also attention when its needed. Earlier this year, we had a deep conversation about marriage and taking it to the next level of commitment. This was around March / April. We're both on the same page, or so I thought. So after we agreed we both wanted something more, we looked/window shopped a couple engagement rings during Memorial Day. We both fell in love with this one style of ring - I purchased this last week and am just waiting for it to get resized to propose to her. She's also hinted "I'm tired of being just boyfriend and girlfriend" a few times, but foolish me didn't take it seriously since she would say it in passing. Some history: My girlfriend works 7 days a week, working from around 8AM to 8PM everyday. She's under a lot of pressure as the leader for a family business, and finances aren't exactly great for her right now - she's actually considering closing down her store sometime this month. She's emotionally and physically drained. I can't even begin to imagine the stress she's going through and have been trying my best to console her. So moving on, last Saturday night, we had a fun little date (we're foodies so we hit up 3 places for quick bites to eat). At the end of our date, we were parked outside of her place and she wanted to talk. 2 weeks ago, I went out of state for business opportunity for around 4-5 days and barely stayed in contact with her. She apparently used this time to rethink/re-evaluate our relationship. She's going through a lot right now, so I'm sure she isn't thinking very clearly. She tried to break up with me and I broke up in tears (first time I cried in front of her presence). Her reason was she doesn't want to be with someone weak. I've been showing some "weakness" in my emotions the past 1-2 months because my grandfather had a 50% mortality rate before he needed to get open-heart surgery, and I recently found out my father was diagnosed with cancer all within a month period (back in August - talk about emotional confusion). At the end of the night, she said "I want a break". I did not agree to a break and said our relationship isn't meant to be broken apart so easily. She went inside and I drove back home. What's strange is, we've been sending 1-2 messages a day since then, wishing each other good morning, hope you're doing well, etc. I'm not even sure if she was acting out, or what. As I've mentioned, she's going through a lot right now and is drained emotionally, physically, and even financially. The best thing I can do right now is keep the contact very limited so I'm able to give her space while showing that I'm not going anywhere. The ring is expected to be in my hands next Tuesday, and I wanted to propose to her next Saturday where we had our first date, but I don't want this proposal to come off as a reaction to her break. If I wait any longer, I may lose her indefinitely. Actions always speak louder than words, and my heart is saying I should do it anyways. Does anyone think I might be doing the wrong thing? Why do I feel like proposing (which would've eventually happened despite Saturday), would also give her a sense of relief and feeling of stability in her life? Anyways, thanks for reading.
PegNosePete Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 Does anyone think I might be doing the wrong thing? Why do I feel like proposing (which would've eventually happened despite Saturday), would also give her a sense of relief and feeling of stability in her life? Yes, you are definitely doing the wrong thing. Big grand gestures like this don't fix relationship problems except in the movies. You need to talk to her to find out where your relationship is heading. If she still thinks a break is a good idea, then you would be very foolish to propose/marry her. She called you weak. What would a strong guy do when told he is weak? Reward her for insulting him by giving her a diamond ring??? No, a strong guy would tell her fine, it's not what I want, but if that's your decision then that's what I'll give you. If she is 100% behind making the relationship work, then and only then should you propose to her.
Author akchoco14 Posted October 8, 2015 Author Posted October 8, 2015 Thanks for your insight. Our relationship problem is she was looking to get proposed a bit sooner than I anticipated. Since we're both Korean, there's a bit of a cultural difference. In terms of making the relationship work, we're mutually very dedicated to our relationship. Being engaged is very symbolic and is one of our only options if we wanted to get our own place, and even go on vacations together. I probably should've put that in my original post. As sad as it may sound, it's a cultural aspect and we were both raised that way. She does want to move out and have our own place and start a family with me within the next 2-3 years and I think her personal matters with her business may be affecting her overall emotions. She told me she feels she's wasted her 20s working and not enjoying life like everybody else. I don't think jumping to talk to her is the best idea right now? But rather give her space until she's ready to talk to me which I've offered. She's got other personal things to sort out at the moment and interfering with that is inconsiderate. She's never acted this way, so I am a bit confused.
salparadise Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 Her reason was she doesn't want to be with someone weak. I've been showing some "weakness" in my emotions the past 1-2 months because my grandfather had a 50% mortality rate before he needed to get open-heart surgery, and I recently found out my father was diagnosed with cancer Whew- not good. Are you saying that she thinks you're weak because you shed a tear in front of her for the first time in 7 years, and showed some emotion in response to your father and grandfather's diagnoses? Really? If that's the case, then what this woman needs is a beer-guzzling bubba with a hard hat, a vocabulary of less than 1,000 words, walled off and emotionally detached... and maybe some narcissistic or antisocial features. Honestly, and I know it's hard for you right now, but I think perhaps you should be doing your own reassessment. Emotionally intelligent, available and connected are GOOD things, not weaknesses. I think you should show her a few more tears... and if she hightails it because of that, then you've dodged a bullet.
Author akchoco14 Posted October 8, 2015 Author Posted October 8, 2015 No, because this relationship hasn't progressed in the pace she expected. She said the relationship won't work unless there are some drastic changes in our relationship and feels we're going in circles with no progress. I think she sees me not acting upon what we discussed 5-6 months ago and thinks there's no hope. There was no time frame, or "deadline" Me crying doesn't change her perspective of me as looking weak, I don't think. If anything, it shows how emotionally confident and comfortable I am around her.
Oli. Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 If she wants to go then let her go. Usually when someone wants a break it's because they have met someone else and want to test the waters first to see whether or not the other person is an upgrade on their current partner. Don't be surprised if you find out that she met a guy while you was out of state. Proposing really should be the last thing on your mind at the moment.
Author akchoco14 Posted October 8, 2015 Author Posted October 8, 2015 If she wants to go then let her go. Usually when someone wants a break it's because they have met someone else and want to test the waters first to see whether or not the other person is an upgrade on their current partner. Don't be surprised if you find out that she met a guy while you was out of state. Proposing really should be the last thing on your mind at the moment. I was out of state for 4 days. I really don't think she would have time to dedicate her time for another person, she doesn't even have time after she gets home and usually goes to bed, but again I could be wrong.
Clarence_Boddicker Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 99% of the time, break = end of the relationship. 1
PaperCrane Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 I hear you making a lot of excuses for her while she walks away for a bit to reassess the situation. My gut instinct tells me it's over. If you guys are on a break, treat it like a breakup. Tough pill to swallow but don't wait around for her to make up her mind.
LostOnes05 Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 Dude, she called you weak because you have sick family members? And you want to marry this girl? Man, that would be a big mistake. See if you can get your money back for the ring...she ain't the one (at least not right now).
GemmaUK Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 I really feel for you in this situation. I'm female btw - if that makes any difference. I personally don't see sadness/worry/empathy over not just one but two relative's illness as a weakness at all. That's tough stuff to deal with. I know, I've been there myself. She was hinting, I am concerned that she is doing this thing that is supposed to be 'The Rules; (at least I think that is where is eminates from (it's a dumb dating guide book). It tells a woman to dump her man if he doesn't propose quick enough. I could be wrong but she might be doing just this in order for you to step up. I hate to say it too but to a certain extent I agree with it as a thing to do if a woman really wants to marry a guy and he is stalling over and over. In your situation, clearly it leads to you being able to holiday together, get a place etc. In western culture a couple can often do all those things without being engaged..so..for you guys it would open up a lot more opportunity and I can see her side for wanting that. You two have been together 7 years and you had this big discussion only a few months back. I think you need to get together and talk to her but make sure she knows it's not a date, just a talk. (therefore it's not breaking the 'break' she has said she wants - if you see what I mean?). After 7 years I think honesty is the best policy. Tell her that this ring is currently being re-sized, tell her it's the one you two really liked. Literally show her your invoice for it and the record of the re-sizing. All of that will show this as having been planned before she tried to break up with you. Her reaction (facial expressions and words) will likely (hopefully) give you some insight as to whether she is wanting a break because you haven't appeared to get her hints and followed it up or whether she just thinks your upset over your relatives and the weakness is the reason. You know her, we don't and you will know much better how to read her. I would then leave it there and leave it as you two having a break. Wait for her to come to you. Perhaps you can also halt the re-sizing. I know that isn't romantic and neither is my suggestion above as it would spoil the surprise but sometimes total honesty is best. Plus, as someone above mentioned you don't want to propose and it seem to be a knee jerk reaction to her wish for a break. Show her your paperwork. If it were me and I was trying the 'have a break' and following the 'Rules' I would actually equally open up about that and be ashamed but very willing to admit that I loved and really wanted to marry him but I wasn't getting the impression he really loved and wanted to marry me. Him being open could turn that all right around for me.
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