Argument Has Gone on For to Long ... Don't Know how to bring us back to normal ???

[cottom]

For me, drug use is a massive issue. I cannot stand girls that get involved in it, any type tends to be a huge turn off for me even weed use, mainly because of the mates I have back home how its ruined their life, I was glassed by a mate who got withdrawal from weed while on holiday, I have a mate who is so addicted to coke he is in thousands of debt, my old nextr door neighbour stole £200k from his parents to fund his drugs, I have friends that ecstasy have rotted their brains and they are just pretty unresponsive now and depressive 24/7 until they get more, I know a guy that died from MDMA kidney failure, I have my “best mate” who sells me out to people because they give him coke.*

 

I met a girl who did a lot at university but I never mentioned my feelings towards it because we were both really into each other and I didn’t want her to think that i wastelling her not to and being controlling. We spoke previously how she isnt into that anymore but she did loads at university, which inside my mind was a slight put off but she said shes not into them anymore so I was fine.*

 

She went to a festival with her friend from uni who is really into all that life style of taking pills, or sniff and putting stuff in her drink that was the one my gf did it with. But i didn’t say anything about what I felt towards it so she wouldn’t be put off having fun, or holding back then resenting me because she wanted it or doing it and then lying about it to me.*

 

Well she went to the festival and came home and said she got black out drunk and lost all her stuff but woke up with MDMA so put it in her drink but stayed off it the next night. I was taken aback, I felt a bit sick but I couldn’t say anything because she didn’t know how I felt.*

 

Anyway I kept it inside for a while but on Tuesday she said something about a woman and drugs and I said “eww, I cant stand girls that do it, it so off putting id never get involved with someone that does it”, a bit passive aggressive but it was said in the heat of the moment. But then she said “I do them, awks, well not that much” so I replied “yeah and I said I find girls that do it discusting, its normally a deal breaker, if a girl does anything I don’t go near them”. She then told me that I was being controlling, I told her that I don’t see how as I was just saying my opinion and she got all defensive saying that she doesn’t like it that much its not that good and shes only done it once in the last few months, mainly because she moved back home with her parents after uni, but the second she sees her friend she goes straight for it again. That’s what I tried explaining to her but then she changed her story to she doesn’t like it and decided ages ago she doesn’t want to do it anyway, eben though the first words she said was she does do it but not that much.*

 

She kept the argument going for about 7 hours being really defensive aggressive and me constantly saying its her choice but I don’t get involved with girls that do it and I just stated my opinion. Yesterday she ignored me all day until the evening when she texted me trying to talk normally but I was still so angry after this argument that it carried on, she tried to explain herself but what she was saying was completely contradicting what she said the day before so I pointed it out and she got angry that I wasn’t listening to her when I was and I was pointing out how what she was saying was different to what she said, then she said that she wont do it because of what I was saying. So now its why I didn’t say anything in the first place, her blaming me for not doing anything and resenting me when she doesn’t join in or doing it and lying because of how I feel.*

 

Now day 3 im still angry about it because it is a big subject for me and her reaction to arguing over it really got to me, and now shes arguing and angry at me for still having it get to me when she explained why she said what she said. Which I pointed out that just because she explained herself doesn’t suddenly make me feel better.*

 

I don’t know how to go on from this, of course we have been together a while its our first argument and you don’t burn down the house because the dishes are dirty, but I don’t want to apologise when I cant see ive done anything wrong. But should I, how can this situation be improved.*

 

Me 23, her 21. Her last bf was at 17, ive been in 3 long term relationships from 16 to 21 so I have more experience but im also ridiculously stubborn.

[d0nnivain]

By insisting that anybody you date not use illegal substances you are hardly being controlling. You are keeping crime out of your life.

 

 

Your mistake with this woman was getting together with her at all knowing what choices she makes.

 

 

She is never going to give up drugs for you because addicts don't think like that.

 

 

The way you get back to normal is to get her out of your life & date somebody who isn't a criminal. this isn't "dirty dishes". It's a rotten house, with no foundation that is infested with bugs; yes it should be condemned.

[cottom]

By insisting that anybody you date not use illegal substances you are hardly being controlling. You are keeping crime out of your life.

 

 

Your mistake with this woman was getting together with her at all knowing what choices she makes.

 

 

She is never going to give up drugs for you because addicts don't think like that.

 

 

The way you get back to normal is to get her out of your life & date somebody who isn't a criminal.

 

That's a pretty straight edge black and white view of the world, nearly everyone has done or experimented with drugs, except me but im around it 24/7

crime I don't care about, she's not an addict so there's no issue there. It's just the use of drugs is a put off. And the argument that stemmed from that, where we both were in the wrong and it has carried on because of how my past experiences with everyone I know is involved in it and the fact that her friends are all in on it and I don't know how to handle it from here

[cottom]

She isn't an addict, she is just that typical white girl "omg this is what you do to party all my friends are doing it so I'll have a go"

[Toodaloo]

I hate to say it but you are both right.

 

She is right in that it is her life and she is entitled to make her own choices.

 

You are right in that you find it unacceptable behavior and disgusting.

 

Neither of you are wrong.

 

How ever what you are is incompatible.

 

This isn't going to change. She is going to occasionally do this from time to time and every time you are going to be repulsed by it. Can you live like that? I couldn't.

 

Personally I think you should have made your opinions about it clear at the beginning. I don't think you should have had a massive row about it. I think you should have waited 24 hours after the "discovery" then quietly ended it in a calm and grown up way rather than going on like this.

 

I could never date anyone that does drugs and if I find out they do I quietly say sorry you are not for me and walk away. I don't make a big thing of it, I just do not want that in my life so I do not accept it.

[cottom]

"However what you are is incompatible" "she is never going to change"

 

She's been saying since about 3 hours into the argument she doesn't want to do I anyway she won't do it for me, she can go out with her mates without doing it she doesn't want to do it etc and saying she only said what she said because I was personally attacking her and what she's done before and it's not that a big deal to her to not do it

 

But I was saying yeah so you go out with your mates who always do it and your desperate to have fun like them, they do it and say do it to and you say nah they're gonna say you changed and your drunk and want to show you haven't you'll do it. All my mates pressure me to do it I always say no but they know I won't but if I used to they'd be saying nah go on have a bit it's fun....but she was saying I can't argue with her over hypothetical situations which she's right about but I've seen it happen a million times I just don't know. We both love each other we are so compatible literally we are the same person people joke how we are just clones of each other. But this one issue

[d0nnivain]

cottom

 

 

There is something to be said for B&W, clear lines & boundaries. I draw mine at drugs.

 

 

I'm not stupid enough to think that most people haven't experimented but in my mind, somebody who smoked a joint years ago in college is a far cry from somebody who downs pills or snorts other stuff at parties even once in a while now.

 

 

Even if she is not currently an addict & you say you don't care about crime, you're lying to yourself. You already mentioned friends who stole huge sums of money to support their habits so you know it's a possibility. In addition, think about the source from where she gets this stuff; it's certainly not at her local pharmacy. If those sellers know where to find her, guess what? You have a crime problem.

 

 

You have choices here:

 

 

1. Put up with it

 

 

2. Get out

 

 

You want another choice. You want her to voluntarily stop doing it because you asked her to. In response to that she called you controlling. That response is the last vestige of the addict. So pick 1 or 2. Those are the only choices because she doesn't want to change.

[Toodaloo]

There is something to be said for B&W, clear lines & boundaries.

 

You have choices here:

1. Put up with it

2. Get out

 

You want another choice. You want her to voluntarily stop doing it because you asked her to. In response to that she called you controlling. That response is the last vestige of the addict. So pick 1 or 2. Those are the only choices because she doesn't want to change.

 

I am just quoting D0n again because it really is this simple.

 

Cut out the "he said" "she said" and all of that, take it right back to bare bones and this is what you have.

 

It IS that simple.

[glynnroy]

For me, drug use is a massive issue. I cannot stand girls that get involved in it, any type tends to be a huge turn off for me even weed use, mainly because of the mates I have back home how its ruined their life, I was glassed by a mate who got withdrawal from weed while on holiday, I have a mate who is so addicted to coke he is in thousands of debt, my old nextr door neighbour stole £200k from his parents to fund his drugs, I have friends that ecstasy have rotted their brains and they are just pretty unresponsive now and depressive 24/7 until they get more, I know a guy that died from MDMA kidney failure, I have my “best mate” who sells me out to people because they give him coke.*

 

I met a girl who did a lot at university but I never mentioned my feelings towards it because we were both really into each other and I didn’t want her to think that i wastelling her not to and being controlling. We spoke previously how she isnt into that anymore but she did loads at university, which inside my mind was a slight put off but she said shes not into them anymore so I was fine.*

 

She went to a festival with her friend from uni who is really into all that life style of taking pills, or sniff and putting stuff in her drink that was the one my gf did it with. But i didn’t say anything about what I felt towards it so she wouldn’t be put off having fun, or holding back then resenting me because she wanted it or doing it and then lying about it to me.*

 

Well she went to the festival and came home and said she got black out drunk and lost all her stuff but woke up with MDMA so put it in her drink but stayed off it the next night. I was taken aback, I felt a bit sick but I couldn’t say anything because she didn’t know how I felt.*

 

Anyway I kept it inside for a while but on Tuesday she said something about a woman and drugs and I said “eww, I cant stand girls that do it, it so off putting id never get involved with someone that does it”, a bit passive aggressive but it was said in the heat of the moment. But then she said “I do them, awks, well not that much” so I replied “yeah and I said I find girls that do it discusting, its normally a deal breaker, if a girl does anything I don’t go near them”. She then told me that I was being controlling, I told her that I don’t see how as I was just saying my opinion and she got all defensive saying that she doesn’t like it that much its not that good and shes only done it once in the last few months, mainly because she moved back home with her parents after uni, but the second she sees her friend she goes straight for it again. That’s what I tried explaining to her but then she changed her story to she doesn’t like it and decided ages ago she doesn’t want to do it anyway, eben though the first words she said was she does do it but not that much.*

 

She kept the argument going for about 7 hours being really defensive aggressive and me constantly saying its her choice but I don’t get involved with girls that do it and I just stated my opinion. Yesterday she ignored me all day until the evening when she texted me trying to talk normally but I was still so angry after this argument that it carried on, she tried to explain herself but what she was saying was completely contradicting what she said the day before so I pointed it out and she got angry that I wasn’t listening to her when I was and I was pointing out how what she was saying was different to what she said, then she said that she wont do it because of what I was saying. So now its why I didn’t say anything in the first place, her blaming me for not doing anything and resenting me when she doesn’t join in or doing it and lying because of how I feel.*

 

Now day 3 im still angry about it because it is a big subject for me and her reaction to arguing over it really got to me, and now shes arguing and angry at me for still having it get to me when she explained why she said what she said. Which I pointed out that just because she explained herself doesn’t suddenly make me feel better.*

 

I don’t know how to go on from this, of course we have been together a while its our first argument and you don’t burn down the house because the dishes are dirty, but I don’t want to apologise when I cant see ive done anything wrong. But should I, how can this situation be improved.*

 

Me 23, her 21. Her last bf was at 17, ive been in 3 long term relationships from 16 to 21 so I have more experience but im also ridiculously stubborn.

 

Some people don't like people who smoke

Some people don't like people who are tall

Some people don't like people who small

Some people don't like people who pick their nose

Some people don't like people who have blonde hair

 

What I'm saying you like what you like , there needs to be some common ground , this is a massive elephant in the room

Some thing like this will always be at the forefront of your mind , if it's a issue now it will be a issue next week and next year

My opinion is ditch her and find some one who respects not using drugs . Stand up for what you believe in the world is short of people like you

[deadelvis]

Here we go with the https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/False_dilemma again. This is the favorite go-to advice on love shack.

 

If you catch crabs to have two options;

 

A. Light your pubic hair on fire

B. Stab the crabs with an icepick

 

That's it. Just those two options. No middle ground. Seems like solid advice.

 

You think OP never considered those two extremely obvious and polarizing options? You think he came onto a forum to get the old "accept it or leave" line of BS?

[d0nnivain]

Here we go with the https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/False_dilemma again. This is the favorite go-to advice on love shack.

 

If you catch crabs to have two options;

 

A. Light your pubic hair on fire

B. Stab the crabs with an icepick

 

That's it. Just those two options. No middle ground. Seems like solid advice.

 

You think OP never considered those two extremely obvious and polarizing options? You think he came onto a forum to get the old "accept it or leave" line of BS?

 

Instead of criticizing my suggestion, offer another alternative. You can't. Because there isn't one. He has no ability to make her stop using. Only she can make that choice. If she's using, he has choices to make. he can accept the behavior or he can walk away. Really what else is there? Please explain.

[casey.lives]

you can't tell grown people, who you did not birth, how to live their life.

 

you don't like it - walk away.

 

be caring is not synonymous with being controlling.

you want to care. be inspiring.

[deadelvis]

Instead of criticizing my suggestion, offer another alternative. You can't. Because there isn't one. He has no ability to make her stop using. Only she can make that choice. If she's using, he has choices to make. he can accept the behavior or he can walk away. Really what else is there? Please explain.

 

Drug use in real life isn't like "requiem for a dream"

 

There are all different types of drugs, and all different levels of use and abuse. Seems like everyone on LS is like "Drug use is a dealbreaker for me" but then the next post those same people are talking about drinking at the bar with their spouse. Alcohol is a drug. The Xanax your doctor prescribes your teenage kid. That's a drug too. In fact, the way I see it, if something is derived from a plant, it's much less of a drug than something which is purely chemicals. I consider heroin to be less of a "drug" than the anti-depressants my girlfriend takes. At least heroin comes from a plant.

 

As with anything. Moderation is the key. If this young woman in question wants to go to music festivals and drop some acid or take some MDMA, I don't see anything unhealthy about that. As long as she takes safe doses and drinks plenty of water, it's actually a really powerful and mind expanding experience. It's certainly not in the same ballpark as a raging alcoholic or a hard drug addict. There's a difference between using drugs and abusing them.

 

I was a DJ and a music promoter in a large city when I was in my 20's. I knew hundreds of people who used drugs recreationally and most of them had a great time. They lived normal lives. Eventually they grew out of it and got married, had kids and worked normal jobs. Meeting them now, you'd never know they used to be club kids who partied and went to music festivals. Of course some of them did get caught up in addiction. I'd say about 1 out of 10 eventually crossed over to being an "abuser", but guess which drug ended up causing people the most problems? Alcohol. And even the people who got caught up in the drug scene, most of them eventually cleaned up and got their lives together. I should know. I was one of them.

 

If you don't like drugs, don't do them. If you don't want to date an addict, then don't date an addict. But this woman OP is describing does not sound like an addict. Just a young person experimenting and having a good time. I don't use drugs anymore. But sometimes I like to have a few drinks with my friends. Or maybe smoke a joint after a long day at the office. That's nobodies business but my own. But you know what is a "dealbreaker"? People who want to control other people's lives. My girlfriend doesn't smoke pot or drink alcohol, but she would never tell me not to smoke a joint or have a beer after a long day at work. She takes lots of prescription drugs. I don't like prescription drugs and I'm not exactly thrilled that she takes a whole handful of pharmaceutical drugs after every meal... but you know what? It's her body. Her choices. Her life. I can choose to be with her or not be with her. But what she chooses to do with her body is nobodies business but her own.

[Rephinican]

Here we go with the https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/False_dilemma again. This is the favorite go-to advice on love shack.

 

If you catch crabs to have two options;

 

A. Light your pubic hair on fire

B. Stab the crabs with an icepick

 

That's it. Just those two options. No middle ground. Seems like solid advice.

 

You think OP never considered those two extremely obvious and polarizing options? You think he came onto a forum to get the old "accept it or leave" line of BS?

 

Look, I love a bit of nuance more than most and tend to hate false dichotomies (insert old line about how all dichotomies are false dichotomies here) but I don't really think this applies in this particular case.

 

cottom basically came out and said that he is repulsed by drug use in his first post for a variety of reasons and later said that his girlfriend felt that it was her body and her life and was unwilling to compromise to suit his sensibilities. That's the key here: Both sides are unwilling to compromise. Whether or not cottom is attracted to his girlfriend or vice versa or if both of them want to make this work because of their feelings for one-another is completely and utterly irrelevant if neither of them are willing to give up one iota of their respective position to make this thing work. If cottom's girlfriend doesn't want to compromise, he can't make her. All that he can do is decide what he himself is willing to put up with. And that is a dichotomy: A maybe just means that he'll let her do her drugs and build resentment until he finally breaks up with her- and I don't think anyone would advise that option seeing as it is the worst of both worlds as cottom has to compromise his values AND the relationship ends as opposed to either or. In you analogy, it's more like if a person gets crabs who doesn't believe in modern medicine, or cleanliness in general and then asks how to get rid of said crabs. Suddenly, setting pubic hair on fire doesn't sound nearly as ridiculous as you make it seem (although it is of course still ridiculous as are the aforementioned issues with modern medicine and cleanliness, but such are analogies sometimes...)

 

As much as I and many others on this board would love to advise a third option, it just doesn't seem like one exists in this scenario. If neither side is willing to compromise than compromise is impossible. If just one person is holding their arm out in compromise, then you can't have a handshake to seal the deal. So as much as it sucks, and as elementary as it seems cottom really has only two options. Stay and tolerate his girlfriend's drug use. Or leave. He can of course try and convince her to change her mind through showing her the negative effects of drug use, pointing out why he himself abhors drugs so much, and giving her suggestions for alternative methods of spending time or having fun but those are just suggestions. The only definite choice he can make is either to stay or leave.

 

-Reph