Lion Heart Posted October 9, 2015 Posted October 9, 2015 (edited) It's quieted down here. I think another issue we have had in our marriage is we are a couple who are of different races with his family having very little or no involvement in our children's lives. This has been espically hard for me as my children have grown. My son is on the spectrum,ASD, and is incredible high functioning in normal classes etc but it was very hard the first four or five years. My other two are just the most confident unique people. I just love these people with all my heart not only because they are my children but good little people. My resentment of him not taking more strides to have his 70 plus aged white parents accept my children is a cop out. I resent the time he has spent being stupid and doing dumb things but our children worship the ground he walks because I have always reiterated that he isn't here bc he has run our business. I worry about the backlash and lack of support for my children but in the long run I know it is for the best.Thanks for your kind words everyone. As I write this I think omg we have always been doomed but enough of my pity party now I have to do something about this. Hi I'm gonna call you the "lights" because they're turning ON one by one! Hey! Lights! Lights ON sister. EYES open. You are SO ready for this. We are gonna kick butt together you and me. Awesome meeting you. I COULD NOT believe your post above. I could have WRITTEN almost every word about MY WHs family. No. We are all "white" per say. I'm a much varied cocktail to them but I may as well BE FROM ANOTHER planet. We are SO different. I have 3 children to this WH. Oh yay. Sorry kids! An elder DDDD (that's 3 x darling) Daughter, son-in-law and little grandson living nearby but we see them alot. WH has his own business but I should have my name in it! I swear I've done more physical work for it and every other bl***y thing too. No money in his bank. He didn't have time! Too many women SO LITTLE TIME! Too busy performing for old women and oh yeah MY GIRL FRIEND. My parents in law (oh puke!) tried to shun me because I was of a different religion. My parents were Missionaries but no. Wrong church they always told me. Boy! Haven't we all been lectured to the hilt about that! I guess I have the last laugh because they're ALL clowns. So far ALL OF WHs OWs are of the SAME RELIGION AS THEM! Ha. NUT- TERS. Holeeeeee. Not WHOLESOME. They live 20 mins away. It took them 5 months after they said at the Christmas dinner that I could ask ANYTIME for help. 5 months. 1 hour they gave me. I'd had twins and a baby girl in 2.5 years and horrible poverty due to WHs wayward FINANCIAL messes. Yep 1 whole hour. Lucky me. They can't tell the twins apart now and THEY ARE 13 YEARS OLD. AND the only grandchildren at the time with their surname. They are SO proud of....whatsyername??? So 20 mins away is "too far with the traffic" wtf. They travel 14 hours to stay a month with another set of their descendants at least 2-3 x a year! Oh boy. And another child of theirs had their children dropped off and picked up from school by them almost EVERY day. No. Mother not working. Hairdressers. Tanning. You know important things. I was merely breastfeeding ALL 3 for 6 months. Not important at all. Bottle feed. Oh yeah who's gonna buy that! We had $30 / week for food for 5 of us eating food. Hm. There is a point. Hold on. 16 years of hindsight see. Now these 2 picked up from school and minded are NOT better off psychologically AT ALL. The elder daughter had had multiple unwanted pregnancies before 17yo so against their religion (because NPD people make their own rules) aborted them all. Fine. Not my business. This child had made a report to her mother and grandmother that she'd been molested by another carer when she was 10. They went apesh** at her for lying. She didn't lie. Little girls can't describe these things UNLESS they happened. I was her only advocate and it's all ended in disaster. The other daughter enjoys killing animals. Oh yes. It's sadistic cruelty to animals that she loves. That whole family criticize her non stop for being massively obese. That's all they're worried about. Not the animals! They only worry about what everything LOOKS LIKE. Not at all what's really happening. So my point? Be grateful that these grandparents who DON'T want to know your children, DON'T KNOW YOUR CHILDREN! Your children will be 100% fine with just you. Only you. Because you love them so much. A psych said 1 thing the other day about the children. He said children need only one happy parent who interacts with them about their lives. They adjust to the change in finances. They adjust to a new house. They adjust to losing a wayward parent from their lives AND THEY'RE far better off without it. My kids are awesome just like yours. Lol. Twins are school leaders this year. They represent the school in all sorts. They score above the ceiling in most state exams. And they've done this so autonomously. They are amazing. I sometimes now wonder if, because of the crap that comes with having a wayward father, could they have been even better? Has my tolerance and never ending patience with WF taught them how to be doormats for OP to USE AND ABUSE? Yes. I think so. It's not academics or sports or stuff. It's Important stuff like character development. Achievement of their personal goals etc (that I know of and flimsily try to support during my grief and horror). I am DISABLING my children through my enabling behaviours towards WH. This has stopped. It's been all about them. I felt worried too about everything. I am strong and I need to change my perspective. Not only to focus on them for the long haul but for the first time in my 50 years, to focus on me. To heal me. To find my happiness all over again in a new landscape. Lights if I can do it, I know you can too. Xxxx Lion Heart. Edited October 9, 2015 by Lion Heart
Author Theligtswentoutinga Posted October 9, 2015 Author Posted October 9, 2015 Hi I'm gonna call you the "lights" because they're turning ON one by one! Hey! Lights! Lights ON sister. EYES open. You are SO ready for this. We are gonna kick butt together you and me. Awesome meeting you. I COULD NOT believe your post above. I could have WRITTEN almost every word about MY WHs family. No. We are all "white" per say. I'm a much varied cocktail to them but I may as well BE FROM ANOTHER planet. We are SO different. I have 3 children to this WH. Oh yay. Sorry kids! An elder DDDD (that's 3 x darling) Daughter, son-in-law and little grandson living nearby but we see them alot. WH has his own business but I should have my name in it! I swear I've done more physical work for it and every other bl***y thing too. No money in his bank. He didn't have time! Too many women SO LITTLE TIME! Too busy performing for old women and oh yeah MY GIRL FRIEND. My parents in law (oh puke!) tried to shun me because I was of a different religion. My parents were Missionaries but no. Wrong church they always told me. Boy! Haven't we all been lectured to the hilt about that! I guess I have the last laugh because they're ALL clowns. So far ALL OF WHs OWs are of the SAME RELIGION AS THEM! Ha. NUT- TERS. Holeeeeee. Not WHOLESOME. They live 20 mins away. It took them 5 months after they said at the Christmas dinner that I could ask ANYTIME for help. 5 months. 1 hour they gave me. I'd had twins and a baby girl in 2.5 years and horrible poverty due to WHs wayward FINANCIAL messes. Yep 1 whole hour. Lucky me. They can't tell the twins apart now and THEY ARE 13 YEARS OLD. AND the only grandchildren at the time with their surname. They are SO proud of....whatsyername??? So 20 mins away is "too far with the traffic" wtf. They travel 14 hours to stay a month with another set of their descendants at least 2-3 x a year! Oh boy. And another child of theirs had their children dropped off and picked up from school by them almost EVERY day. No. Mother not working. Hairdressers. Tanning. You know important things. I was merely breastfeeding ALL 3 for 6 months. Not important at all. Bottle feed. Oh yeah who's gonna buy that! We had $30 / week for food for 5 of us eating food. Hm. There is a point. Hold on. 16 years of hindsight see. Now these 2 picked up from school and minded are NOT better off psychologically AT ALL. The elder daughter had had multiple unwanted pregnancies before 17yo so against their religion (because NPD people make their own rules) aborted them all. Fine. Not my business. This child had made a report to her mother and grandmother that she'd been molested by another carer when she was 10. They went apesh** at her for lying. She didn't lie. Little girls can't describe these things UNLESS they happened. I was her only advocate and it's all ended in disaster. The other daughter enjoys killing animals. Oh yes. It's sadistic cruelty to animals that she loves. That whole family criticize her non stop for being massively obese. That's all they're worried about. Not the animals! They only worry about what everything LOOKS LIKE. Not at all what's really happening. So my point? Be grateful that these grandparents who DON'T want to know your children, DON'T KNOW YOUR CHILDREN! Your children will be 100% fine with just you. Only you. Because you love them so much. A psych said 1 thing the other day about the children. He said children need only one happy parent who interacts with them about their lives. They adjust to the change in finances. They adjust to a new house. They adjust to losing a wayward parent from their lives AND THEY'RE far better off without it. My kids are awesome just like yours. Lol. Twins are school leaders this year. They represent the school in all sorts. They score above the ceiling in most state exams. And they've done this so autonomously. They are amazing. I sometimes now wonder if, because of the crap that comes with having a wayward father, could they have been even better? Has my tolerance and never ending patience with WF taught them how to be doormats for OP to USE AND ABUSE? Yes. I think so. It's not academics or sports or stuff. It's Important stuff like character development. Achievement of their personal goals etc (that I know of and flimsily try to support during my grief and horror). I am DISABLING my children through my enabling behaviours towards WH. This has stopped. It's been all about them. I felt worried too about everything. I am strong and I need to change my perspective. Not only to focus on them for the long haul but for the first time in my 50 years, to focus on me. To heal me. To find my happiness all over again in a new landscape. Lights if I can do it, I know you can too. Xxxx Lion Heart. I am so happy to come across your story. I am a black woman with a white man in the south. We started dating before the "swirl" was cool. I am a Dark skinned lady always asked if my kids were mine and how dark they would be after birth. ((((((lionheart)))))))) I know the feelings of rejections by his family who does not know me very well. His current conquest and 93rd have all been white but that is neither here or there. We lived with his brother for a while and that ended badly bc of his disrespect but we moved past that. He actually told me he understands why I should leave him bc he knew I have always supported him. I am done being meek and a push over. Congrats for being a good mom still dealing with the bull crap from a NPD/wayward. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted October 9, 2015 Posted October 9, 2015 His current conquest and 93rd have all been white but that is neither here or there. I'm really hoping you don't mean your H has cheated on you 93 times ? Mr. Lucky 2
turnera Posted October 9, 2015 Posted October 9, 2015 I needed this objective approach because sometimes my friends and family down play his actions. Get a notebook and write down all the things he has done to you, chronologically. Just a brief sentence or two for each one. Keep going until you're caught up to today. The next time you need a friend or family member to help you, take that notebook with you, and if they downplay him, hand the notebook to them and say 'I want you to read this before you say another word.' Side benefit is that writing it all down will give you courage to leave him. 3
Lion Heart Posted October 9, 2015 Posted October 9, 2015 Get a notebook and write down all the things he has done to you, chronologically. Just a brief sentence or two for each one. Keep going until you're caught up to today. The next time you need a friend or family member to help you, take that notebook with you, and if they downplay him, hand the notebook to them and say 'I want you to read this before you say another word.' Side benefit is that writing it all down will give you courage to leave him. Lights Great idea ^^^^ from turnera. I suggest keeping copies in at least 2 different places (sites) just for safe keeping. I call it the SMAO file - Save My Own A$$ file. Same goes for Tax Return assessments of the business, bank statements, copy of your new Will etc. There's lots to be done but fantastic idea when someone villifies you for leaving. Yes hand them that notebook. Lion Heart.
Lion Heart Posted October 9, 2015 Posted October 9, 2015 I am so happy to come across your story. I am a black woman with a white man in the south. We started dating before the "swirl" was cool. I am a Dark skinned lady always asked if my kids were mine and how dark they would be after birth. ((((((lionheart)))))))) I know the feelings of rejections by his family who does not know me very well. His current conquest and 93rd have all been white but that is neither here or there. We lived with his brother for a while and that ended badly bc of his DISRESPECT but we moved past that. He actually told me he understands why I should leave him bc he knew I have always supported him. I am done being meek and a push over. Congrats for being a good mom still dealing with the bull crap from a NPD/wayward. DISRESPECT or racism? No one should tolerate racism in any form. It's disgusting. I'm often asked if my youngest 3 children have the same father. LH 1
Author Theligtswentoutinga Posted October 9, 2015 Author Posted October 9, 2015 I actually started writing in a note book about the beginning of our relationship and was too distraught after an hour to keep going. There is something cathartic about seeing what I have been through, writing it out so it's right in my face looking back at me. Today I told him I don't want talk to him and that he is a narcissisic serial cheater. He proceeded to make fun of me. TO HIM I'm an internet doctor now and he can't wait for my prescription... Wow this guy.....I have started my 180 and he says he is leaving this weekend so there's that....... Lionheart: I think it's both disrespect and racist. 1
Lion Heart Posted October 9, 2015 Posted October 9, 2015 (edited) Lights Have you read the NC Guide yet? It's excellent. There was a place on LS somewhere which outlined the NC Guide for still living together too. Until you can physically separate. This limbo time is given a behaviour framework for YOU. Nothing to do with WH. Instigating NC is about focusing on YOURSELF and YOUR healing. It's about actions that DETACH from the person in all aspects. Going NC whilst living with a person (and apart too in some cases, especially with children involved) is challenging to maintain at all times. Only discuss matters you need to that lead you to full separation ie housing, child support or whatever. Are you well enough emotionally to fast track your studies? You may find that WH reacts in strange ways to your NC. WH here actually reacted with massive fury I'd never witnessed in 15 years. He was volcanic towards me in front of around 200-300 of his family at their reunion weekend. (I accompanied my children because they really wanted to attend. I didn't trust WH to care for them because I knew ALOT of alcohol would be consumed by WH and it was so). I plan never to attend any of WH family events again and atm neither do my children. Over time they may WANT to attend but so far all psychologists advise against this. This would have to be negotiated later down the track with a "safe" person in attendance. Not me. Basically I'm organizing everything as rationally as I know how to. To protect my assets and attempt to maintain the children's lifestyles as much as possible. Ofcourse I'm looking at many options in as many ways I can as I'm sure you will or are already. My children at home have now all experienced panic attacks so keeping everything calm is extremely important. WH and I talk through issues at 5:30am every day. We stop or wind up the conversation when the first child wakes up or 7am. Whichever happens first. This is working very well for all of us. Conversations are calm. WH started meds 3 weeks ago and this was the thing that made the difference. This type of scenario may not be attainable for you. You have to work with what you have at hand right now. I must say we have both had ALOT of input from psychologists. Around 5 or more. I listened and tried to act on advice. WH was still lying at the time so no point. WH is seeking psychiatric & psychological for the first time in the truth. I make no appointments for him. I don't have any responsibilities around his therapy. It's all on him and he's highly motivated. ..now. Are you having IC? This long history of abuse you've experienced needs to be worked through for your healing. As for the making fun of you. Read chumplady. Get detached. This WH may always do these horrible things. It's you who has to change your perspective and grow yourself to be in an emotionally stable position to have NO REACTION. This takes practice and because you're in habits OF being hurt by his words. It's this part of the codependency that must change for YOU. Your habits have to change. They will but it takes focussed practise, detachment and a willingness from you to refocus on your new future. Basically it's all about YOU! Good luck Lion Heart. Edited October 9, 2015 by Lion Heart 2
Author Theligtswentoutinga Posted October 10, 2015 Author Posted October 10, 2015 Well he said his reaction was bc I told about being a narcissist and he rebutted with me having BPD. He apologized and whatever it's so hard because I'm tired of fighting day in and day out.NC goes well when we don't talk and He always comes to our bedroom when he gets home.I hate they we still have a sick chemistry sexually. He is scheduling his own polygraph and MC and IC. Its so hard bc we have had so many great times but the bad times just rock the boat worst each time and I feel like I'm drowning when the past resurfaced. He actually called his so called friend and left another harsh message. I am going to let him do all the work. My west Indian mom is right that "I should not bite off my nose to save my face". (lol) He hasn't been here in two days so the kids were happy to see him. He spoils them and they are just happy he is here. I just ...ughhh this is the hardest thing I have done.
Popsicle Posted October 10, 2015 Posted October 10, 2015 Sounds like he's gaslighting you, which is a special form of emotional abuse. Either watch the movie "Gaslight" or read about it and you will understand why you stay. 4
Author Theligtswentoutinga Posted October 10, 2015 Author Posted October 10, 2015 Sounds like he's gaslighting you, which is a special form of emotional abuse. Either watch the movie "Gaslight" or read about it and you will understand why you stay. Where can I find the movie? Youtube netflix? I know ablut the trickletruth and gaslighting but the difference is I now have the knowledge of this forum. He has cried and clammed up. Even begged on his knees and kiissed my feet. WTF. The chumplady website is so straight forward it's amazing. I have to play a role to align myself with the new or actual reality of what our MARRIAGE has always been. I grew up with a single mother and WF,already married with three kids when I came along, who I did not meet until I was six. My mom actually left the man I knew as my father for a MM with a wife and children in another country to move down south away from our whole family. I'm an only child so it was lonely and I missed my stepfather tremendously.That relationship endured for 6 long years. That man makes my husband look like Jesus in comparison. He Actually told me after he was dating another woman that my mom should be happy with the amount of him that she had. I think that's why IC will be so beneficial for me because my early experience with watching my mom try to love a selfish jerk affected my life. In our culture women always knew men had other women but it was never spoken about. The other woman was to"know her place". And the wife is taught to never question the husband's loyalty as long as the bills are paid and the kids are alright. 1
HopeForTomorrow Posted October 10, 2015 Posted October 10, 2015 I am sorry you are going through this. I too divorced several years ago because of an abusive marriage (not due to infidelity however). This is just my opinion, but if you have made the decision to leave him (and from what you said I think it's the right decision), your focus should be on where to go from here. Starting your Second Life. Not so much on why things didn't work out or how he's reacting now. Because as someone else mentioned, you can't fix or change him. You can only work on yourself, and it sounds like you have been doing a great job of that. You can only accept what the situation now is, and move forward from it. Watch the sun come up on your Second Life. Codependency in a relationship is not good. It's not unusual among couples who have been together since they were teenagers though, as they don't have the relationship experience they might need to be individuals in the marriage rather than just half of a couple - if that makes sense. If a big part of your identity depends on the actions or behavior of another person, it can become very hard to realize when you need to break away from the relationship, and even harder to do it. Look forward to that new life for you and your kids. For the longest time I didn't believe I would have one either. I was involved in a very bad multi-year relationship after my divorce, and I thought that was the end for me. But then out of the blue, along comes this man who turned me upside down. It's an LDR now, but it won't always be. This man is way too strong to ever be codependent. What he offers me and what he wants in return are love, affection, happiness, companionship. Loyalty and strength and honor. I have no words for how he makes me feel. Except that when we interact my world stops. So there is hope, take it from me. Just please break away from this man. Don't waste any more time. He isn't going to change. Hopefortomorrow ILU66 2
turnera Posted October 10, 2015 Posted October 10, 2015 (edited) Where can I find the movie? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/power-in-relationships/200905/are-you-being-gaslighted Gaslighting Is a Common Victim-Blaming Abuse Tactic ? Here Are 4 Ways to Recognize It in Your Life ? Everyday Feminism https://medium.com/@sheaemmafett/10-things-i-wish-i-d-known-about-gaslighting-22234cb5e407 codependency http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/co-dependency http://psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-of-codependency/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-codependency.html http://www.dummies.com/how-to/content/codependency-for-dummies-cheat-sheet.html Edited October 10, 2015 by turnera
NewLeaf512 Posted October 11, 2015 Posted October 11, 2015 I don't have much to offer but I know you are hurting and I'm so sorry. Please listen to the people here with experience to help you make a plan. All I know is you're not alone. My ExMM BS stays in spite of many factors. Your situation sounds dangerous so be safe. 1
Lion Heart Posted October 16, 2015 Posted October 16, 2015 Where can I find the movie? Youtube netflix? I know ablut the trickletruth and gaslighting but the difference is I now have the knowledge of this forum. He has cried and clammed up. Even begged on his knees and kiissed my feet. WTF. The chumplady website is so straight forward it's amazing. I have to play a role to align myself with the new or actual reality of what our MARRIAGE has always been. I grew up with a single mother and WF,already married with three kids when I came along, who I did not meet until I was six. My mom actually left the man I knew as my father for a MM with a wife and children in another country to move down south away from our whole family. I'm an only child so it was lonely and I missed my stepfather tremendously.That relationship endured for 6 long years. That man makes my husband look like Jesus in comparison. He Actually told me after he was dating another woman that my mom should be happy with the amount of him that she had. I think that's why IC will be so beneficial for me because my early experience with watching my mom try to love a selfish jerk affected my life. In our culture women always knew men had other women but it was never spoken about. The other woman was to"know her place". And the wife is taught to never question the husband's loyalty as long as the bills are paid and the kids are alright. This explains ALOT. Not WHY WH does the crap he does but WHY you've always put up with it. WHY you've stayed so long. NC for your own emotional safety! For your sanity! Obviously So many FOO issues for you to work on and really dig deep in IC. SO MUCH! TAKE REAL ACTIONS. Make your generation the Last in tolerating and generating this crap. Make a stand FOR your children. LH
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