FuzzyPenguins Posted May 20, 2005 Posted May 20, 2005 Hello. I have a problem I'm sure some people have encountered in some form, so I'll just delve right in. My boyfriend and I have been having sex for a year now, and we treated it as a normal--certainly not tabooed--activity. That is, we didn't until his father finally caught us a few days ago (I will now point out that we are not of age, which would make this moment significant--not that our age factor is of too much concern here). After that, my BF asked if it would be all right if we "took a break from sex" (which I later found out meant "try not to have sex again for years"); when I asked why, he didn't give a real reason. After prying for a while, he told me that he felt (and always had felt) sinful for having sex with me (his being caught by a Christian made him have to admit this to himself, apparently). He believed I would think this was a silly reason for stopping. Since he comes from a very devoutly Christian family, and since I grew up with an insanely Muslim father (whose too-radical worship system was something I never adopted myself) and a not-Catholic-enough-to-counter-his-teachings mother, I probably know as much about Christianity as a small child from a pious family does--so I wouldn't understand. And now...well, now, I am a lost soul. I don't know how to react. I do know that all I could do as he gave his "real reason" was cry floods of tears, of confusion, of exasperation, of who knows what. Should I be mad at him for never telling me how guilt-ridden he was while having sex with me? Should I be mad at myself for not understanding--for thinking him silly or ridiculous? I tried to ask why sex is so terrible (I know about the sacred bond of marriage and all that, but I would like more specifics), and he couldn't really give me a substantial answer, making me think that he had only been conditioned to feel guilty--wrong, I know. And to make me even more suspicious about this all is the fact that his older brother, who hasn't even yet graduated from college, is planning to marry a girl he has only known for a year; many people have pointed out that this could be because he can no longer resist premarital urges. Now that I am confronted with my "problem," I am inclined to believe these people, and believe that too much reliance on the religious word may lead followers to make rash decisions. Since I am so confounded by my boyfriend's sudden devotion to Christianity, and know so little about religion, I am only left with one sure thought about my predicament: that I now feel very unwanted and unattractive, with my BF suddenly deciding that he will try not to want me. I am perfectly fine with not having sex, so long as there is good reason to suddenly stop. This is why I urge any pious people to come enlighten me. People of all degrees of faith: please tell me how I should sort out all my thoughts! I am, frankly, too confused to even make a coherent post. Thanks for reading.
L_and_P21 Posted May 20, 2005 Posted May 20, 2005 first off i must say this is a great post because i believe that religion has a bigger role in everyones live more than they think. now on to my thoughts. being caught doing something that his family believe is quite embarrassing. im sure part of the reason is that he doesnt want to get caught again. if he felt sinful while doing the act then, it seems to me, that he didnt care about what he was doing when it came the beliefs. christianity is really tough cause there are many forms that teach differently. i, being christion, feel that sex should be saved till marriage cause its a form of expressing love to another person, but alot of people mistake lust for love. many people have sex just to feel pleasure. if you love some enough to have sex with them just get married then. and if you dont want to get married then dont have sex. again just my opinion and i know my way of thinking isnt for everyone. the best advice i can give you is if you really care about how he feels then accept his choice and dont question it, to me that says you really care about him. and who knows one day he could even supprise you. youre not a lost soul, its hard to have something so great taken away from you and you dont know why. you have a right to feel angry for him keeping his feelings if in the end it hurt you. dont be mad at yourself for not understanding. if you want more specifics, take an interest in his religion. now you dont have to join to learn about it. but go and see what he believes so you know how to plan your love life with him. talk to him about too. i wouldnt really say rash decisions it may seem that way but it more common than you think. that is people getting married after a year. what wrong with reliance on religion? it has helped many through hard times, that goes for all religions not just christians. you should never feel that you are unwanted or unattractive because of things like these. you should never feel that way period. and if you do feel that way ask him if he thinks you are attractive and if he wants you. please note that if someone wants another that doesnt mean they want to sleep with them. i personally long for a girl to hold, thus i WANT to hold a girl. recap - accept his choice and talk to him about his religion and why they believe what they do. ask him if he finds you atttactive and if he wants you. and last but not least tell him that you are/were upset with him about him sleeping with you even though he felt guilty good luck and i hope all goes well
Author FuzzyPenguins Posted May 21, 2005 Author Posted May 21, 2005 Oh, how nice to get a response! I was never thinking about leaving my boyfriend because if this; I really just wanted to understand his reasoning. My boyfriend himself must look into the Good Book to find out what it says about the subject, before he can even get me involved in his beliefs. I've calmed down significantly, and will simply just continue to learn about Christianity while with my boyfriend, and respect his decision more and more each day. Thanks for providing your opinion--I really appreciate it, and it helped me see another perspective.
Pendawn Posted May 21, 2005 Posted May 21, 2005 I really do feel for you because though you KNOW the reasoning, I can totally understand how it would make you feel rejected. I will say, to me, the most significant part of this tale isn't that he's become religious, but that his father caught you. Having a parent catch you being sexual, especially if you are relatively young, can have a disasterous effect on your own image of your sexuality. Add in the factor of a religious family and you've got a sexual crisis on your hands. I have to say, for myself, that I know I worry less about what God thinks of me when I do things and more what other Christians think. It's a sad state really as Christians are supposed to be virtues of non-judgement but it's the way i feel. I know I do stuff that I would NEVER want other Christians knowing about, but I know God knows about it. I think his father's opinion is having more of a direct affect on him than his Father's, if you get me. He probably feels he's let his parents down and dissapointed them etc. I think given time when the memory of his father walking in on the two of you has begun to fade, he may begin to relax more. He may never go back to having sex with you, but he may find some compromise. The only advice I have is for the two of you to sit down and say that while you accept his decision, you both have to realise that you are removing a huge form of communication between you. Because of this, you have to make sure to make an effort to express verbally and physically in terms of hugs and etc how you feel about each other, or you will start feeling negelected and unloved.
Nicholas Posted May 21, 2005 Posted May 21, 2005 Should I be mad at him for never telling me how guilt-ridden he was while having sex with me? Yeah, I think that's a legitimate reason to be upset. The intimacy involved in sex entails a certain amount of trust and communication, and I think that when you're doing something like that all the while thinking of fiery hell and gnashing teeth, you're keeping something significant from your partner. I am perfectly fine with not having sex, so long as there is good reason to suddenly stop. You have a good reason : Your boyfriend doesn't want to anymore. Religious decisions are personal ones. It should be our sense of conscience that dictates our actions, and not our actions that dictate our conscience; What I mean by that is that if you don't feel that premarital sex is immoral, it's pointless to try to find a reason in your head that it could be. Your partner has a different value system than you. I don't think you want to be the girl who changes his mind. It's not fair to you. He'll feel like sex is a concession to your waywardness, or worse, that you 'corrupted' him. It only leads down a path of not taking responsibility for his actions. If the relationship is great and you really think that you can do without sex, stick around. I don't think this is the only issue, though.
faux Posted May 21, 2005 Posted May 21, 2005 Originally posted by Nicholas I am perfectly fine with not having sex, so long as there is good reason to suddenly stop. You have a good reason : Your boyfriend doesn't want to anymore. I must agree with Nicholas. Your boyfriend changed his mind about sex, and that is a decision he has a right to. It is not necessary for you to understand his reasoning; it seems that he has already attempted to explain this to you, but you are unable to comprehend. For whatever reasons, your boyfriend feels that continuing to have sex with you would be wrong. You may not understand his reasoning, or believe that his reasons are legitimate; what matters is how he feels. Unfortunately, it is not required that you agree that his reasons are 'good enough' for you.
Author FuzzyPenguins Posted May 22, 2005 Author Posted May 22, 2005 Originally posted by faux You may not understand his reasoning, or believe that his reasons are legitimate; what matters is how he feels. Unfortunately, it is not required that you agree that his reasons are 'good enough' for you. Yes, yes, that has become very obvious as he's tried to provide explanation (though I've realized that it doesn't matter how "good enough" I think his reasons are, this still doesn't make me feel any better about the situation, so he continues to explain himself). He has also begun to waver in his decisiveness on the situation, as the Bible a bit unclear about the sinfulness of premarital sex (I have read enough about this issue, so readers need not provide quotes from the Bible , 'cause I've seen plenty). Because of this, I wholeheartedly agree with Pendawn about how it is the opinion of fellow Christians (especially family members) that ultimately matters. To clarify, we weren't actually caught, per sé--it was just obvious that we had decided to/were about to become intimate, so it wasn't even the image of his shocked father that so stirred my boyfriend to do this. Nevertheless, it was those around him who had been telling him all his life about the evils of premarital sex, and it is, of course, their opinions that matter (2 Corinthians 8:21: "For we are taking pains to do what is right, not only in the eyes of the Lord but also in the eyes of men"--yay, I have a quote!). So...I will stick by him as he figures out what to do, while asking him to teach me all he can (using his own perspective) about his religion--that will be the only way I can see this all through his own eyes, and it certainly can't hurt to be more knowledgeable about the subject, in our relationship and in life, our world being such a predominately Christian one. So many more biblical allusions will became clear to me this way!
Recommended Posts