Mr. Lucky Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 I think there are probably a lot of mm mw who have good marriages but still want more. All my h's needs are met but not his wants. We could probably debate this endlessly but I disagree with this perception. Most partners in a marriage, even those that are emotionally or physically abusive and/or unfaithful, provide coverage for "needs". There's usually a roof overhead, food on the table, clothes and shoes on the kids. There are often all the trappings of happiness. So the measure of a marriage's "goodness" is the degree to which it meets the "wants". And conversely, someone whose pathology makes their wants unable to be met can't be in a good marriage. It's the difference between style and substance. Just my $.02... Mr. Lucky
BlueDress Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 Our marriage was stable. We were happy. He loved the kids. He said he loved me. We weren't the affectionate cuddly couple who held hands or spent all night talking but I could rely on him and he could rely on me. A year before he left things changed a little after an argument. He was never one to spontaneously say he loved me but even soliciting it came grudgingly. He started using our money problems as an excuse for everything. Small Christmas celebrations. No vacations. No shopping trips. These things weren't important. He was distant. Then she came. They kissed leaving work. He came home and said it was over. He left the next day. I begged and got nothing from him on coming home. He tried to fix things a week later but said he couldn't do it and was gone for good. I asked him why? What does she have that I don't? What was worth leaving me for? I was pretty. She was beautiful. She was friends with everyone. I'm an introvert. I'm volatile. She's steady and rational. She's articulate and driven. I was passive and confrontational. She was loving. I was cold. I was clingy, insecure. She was self-assured and independent. She made him feel needed. I made him feel used. I needed support for everything. She is self-made. He loved her. Like he never loved me. If you asked her there was no affair. They didn't have sex until after he left the second time. She says she did nothing to lead him on, encourage him. She was surprised by a kiss and the cut off contact for almost two weeks. She had no idea. He said that it was that our marriage had nothing to stay for. Her potential was worth more than what we had.
ladydesigner Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 Our marriage was stable. We were happy. He loved the kids. He said he loved me. We weren't the affectionate cuddly couple who held hands or spent all night talking but I could rely on him and he could rely on me. A year before he left things changed a little after an argument. He was never one to spontaneously say he loved me but even soliciting it came grudgingly. He started using our money problems as an excuse for everything. Small Christmas celebrations. No vacations. No shopping trips. These things weren't important. He was distant. Then she came. They kissed leaving work. He came home and said it was over. He left the next day. I begged and got nothing from him on coming home. He tried to fix things a week later but said he couldn't do it and was gone for good. I asked him why? What does she have that I don't? What was worth leaving me for? I was pretty. She was beautiful. She was friends with everyone. I'm an introvert. I'm volatile. She's steady and rational. She's articulate and driven. I was passive and confrontational. She was loving. I was cold. I was clingy, insecure. She was self-assured and independent. She made him feel needed. I made him feel used. I needed support for everything. She is self-made. He loved her. Like he never loved me. If you asked her there was no affair. They didn't have sex until after he left the second time. She says she did nothing to lead him on, encourage him. She was surprised by a kiss and the cut off contact for almost two weeks. She had no idea. He said that it was that our marriage had nothing to stay for. Her potential was worth more than what we had. (((BlueDress))) You are worth more than what you wrote there. I hope you don't believe all of those things. I'm sure you have many great qualities that the OW does not have. We are all unique and just because something seems so beautiful at first doesn't necessarily mean it will always be that way. People change and not always for the better. Your WH still acted with no integrity and no regard for you! He has something broken in him that he could not approach you first to discuss these issues.
Author flowergirl14 Posted October 9, 2015 Author Posted October 9, 2015 He's looking for sex & whatever from other girls because they are not you. It's not that you are lacking, but they are different from you. That's not something you can compete with or fix. Your only options are to tolerate it & stay or don't & leave. This does make sense. When I discovered the can of worms. He was flirting online with a girl from 20 plus years ago. It wasnt like he was looking for an emotional connection It was definately sexual. She could ve been a toothless prostitute for all he knew. But boy he had a hard on thinking about sex with her. His words.
Author flowergirl14 Posted October 9, 2015 Author Posted October 9, 2015 We could probably debate this endlessly but I disagree with this perception. Most partners in a marriage, even those that are emotionally or physically abusive and/or unfaithful, provide coverage for "needs". There's usually a roof overhead, food on the table, clothes and shoes on the kids. There are often all the trappings of happiness. So the measure of a marriage's "goodness" is the degree to which it meets the "wants". And conversely, someone whose pathology makes their wants unable to be met can't be in a good marriage. It's the difference between style and substance. Just my $.02... Mr. Lucky So your saying..his wants (my h) are not being met even if the wants are to sleep with anybody and everybody. Therefore its not a good marriage? Definately true for me but him? He has always maintained that the affair that I know about had nothing to do with me. He never blameshifted. However, given that there was a dday and he saw what it did to me/us must not be enough of a "want" to not do it again.
underpants Posted October 9, 2015 Posted October 9, 2015 An ostrich took it's head out of the sand for just a moment, before returning into said sand.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 9, 2015 Posted October 9, 2015 So your saying..his wants (my h) are not being met even if the wants are to sleep with anybody and everybody. Therefore its not a good marriage? Definately true for me but him? He has always maintained that the affair that I know about had nothing to do with me. He never blameshifted. However, given that there was a dday and he saw what it did to me/us must not be enough of a "want" to not do it again. Your marriage has a flaw that has nothing to do with you. Your H's wants aren't able to be met - no matter how hard you try - within the bounds of what you'd accept as a marriage. Unless you're prepared to spend the rest of your life looking the other way, you'll be consistently exposed to the same pain and heartbreak you're feeling now. He won't break the cycle and, until now, you haven't been willing to. He's not going to change. Are you? Mr. Lucky 2
warshaw Posted October 9, 2015 Posted October 9, 2015 He has always maintained that the affair that I know about had nothing to do with me. He never blameshifted. However, given that there was a dday and he saw what it did to me/us must not be enough of a "want" to not do it again. He didn't blameshift because he didn't have to. He isn't going to stop having affairs, because he doesn't have to. He knows you know, he know you're hurt and yet he continues. You say he loves you..my definition of love does not include "knowingly hurting the person you supposedly love over and over again because you're only thinking about your own wants and needs regardless of the damage you are doing to your significant other". But your mileage may vary. I'm not understanding why you continue to allow him to do this to you.
Author flowergirl14 Posted October 9, 2015 Author Posted October 9, 2015 Some cheaters cheat because - they can. They usually think they won't get caught. They also think IF they get caught the BS won't leave them. They hope you won't impose any consequences. Imposing severe and harsh consequences usually sends a clear message that he shouldn't be messing with you and your best interest! Impose consequences!!! He should be miserable since he's been screwing you over royally! My exH is a true narcissist. The M of 23 years was amazing. We had it all. Even sex most days and sometimes 2-3 times a day. I doubt he expressed negative things to his OW about me - he loved our M - thought I was awesome...a perfect wife. But he had NO self control. He had no morals. He had no conscience. A narcissist believes they are always entitled to have MORE, more more! It's never enough, never good enough. I divorced him because I knew I couldn't change him - and I knew I deserved better than staying with a man who didn't know how to be faithful. He had already cheated at the ten year mark and swore he would NEVER do it again. He was a great husband (despite the cheating and control issues). He was a great Dad. Helped around the house and we always socialized with many friends and family. It devastated a lot of people when I had him move - but I couldn't stand the thought that he betrayed me again - and put MY health at risk without my permission. Your H may not ever change - can you live this way? If not, take steps to take care of yourself and to remove him from your home. If you do - be smart. Move money and get set up to be independent if he turns on you. If any man isn't respecting and honoring me - I remove them from my life. Life is too short to hand over my peace of mind to anyone! I hope you decide what's in YOUR best interest. Like your xh mine seems to be a high functioning cheater. If thats the right description. It seems to be the worst kind because its hard to discern real from fake. When they sparkle for everyone me, the kids, friends, etc. Its hard to break free. Im glad you took a stand and got out. Did you remarry or find someone trustworthy?
ladydesigner Posted October 9, 2015 Posted October 9, 2015 Some cheaters cheat because - they can. They usually think they won't get caught. They also think IF they get caught the BS won't leave them. They hope you won't impose any consequences. Imposing severe and harsh consequences usually sends a clear message that he shouldn't be messing with you and your best interest! Impose consequences!!! He should be miserable since he's been screwing you over royally! My exH is a true narcissist. The M of 23 years was amazing. We had it all. Even sex most days and sometimes 2-3 times a day. I doubt he expressed negative things to his OW about me - he loved our M - thought I was awesome...a perfect wife. But he had NO self control. He had no morals. He had no conscience. A narcissist believes they are always entitled to have MORE, more more! It's never enough, never good enough. I divorced him because I knew I couldn't change him - and I knew I deserved better than staying with a man who didn't know how to be faithful. He had already cheated at the ten year mark and swore he would NEVER do it again. He was a great husband (despite the cheating and control issues). He was a great Dad. Helped around the house and we always socialized with many friends and family. It devastated a lot of people when I had him move - but I couldn't stand the thought that he betrayed me again - and put MY health at risk without my permission. Your H may not ever change - can you live this way? If not, take steps to take care of yourself and to remove him from your home. If you do - be smart. Move money and get set up to be independent if he turns on you. If any man isn't respecting and honoring me - I remove them from my life. Life is too short to hand over my peace of mind to anyone! I hope you decide what's in YOUR best interest. Thank you for sharing your story. It gives me hope.
Goodbye Posted October 9, 2015 Posted October 9, 2015 My h is a serial cheater. I have found evidence of at least 1 affair. Suspect more though. Also he was trolling craigs list personals and had a AM account. All this and my h has always professed to love me and our kids. He is very present with us. Involved and loving. We get along very well.Sex has always been frequent and hot. Honestly, i wouldnt have known anything was wrong had I not discovered all this. I have told him many times that I would rather get divorced than continue to lead a sham of a life. He always assures me that he wants to be here. That nothing is going on. Blah, blah, blah. From a ow perspective what am I missing? Is it the sneaking around, lies, deception, sex, that is so alluring? What must he be telling these ow about me or our marriage? Because from my perspective we are solid. He himself always professes to love me and not want a divorce. Believe me I have asked many times. I guess he is a master manipulator always trying to keep his harem happy? I see it for what it is but sometimes I wonder why? He probably does love you. He probably loves his family life. He is just selfish and likely has a personality disorder of some sort. In summary, he has his cake and gets to eat it too. My exMM told me his marriage was over, that he was in process of divorce and lived separately. Because ours was a very long distance relationship, and he indeed had two homes, he could hide the truths from BOTH of us for quite some time. When he admitted his marriage was not over, he told me how HORRID it was...she was controlling, a bad mother, absent...on and on. Complete bull. They lived together very much as a couple. She had no idea. She thought they had a strong marriage and partnership in parenthood. He was a master of duplicity. I think I was his only affair partner, but who knows. I wish you well. Without trust, I don't know how a relationship can survive. And with a serial cheater, I don't know how there can be trust.
redtail Posted October 9, 2015 Posted October 9, 2015 You leave you file and never look back. This man is looking for something he may never find, you deserve better and the above option, in my opinion , is the best course of action. A divorce is like taking off a bandaid, best when you do it quickly and decisively. Best of luck to you, whatever you decide!
Author flowergirl14 Posted October 10, 2015 Author Posted October 10, 2015 I know I need to " rip the band aid off." Just leave. I need to sync my feelings with actions. I wish I wouldve found LS soon after dday. Instead I was getting advice from horrible counselors and reading pro marriage pro rec forums. I was busy reading and having him read books on how to help me heal. Had it been one affair I might have been content with his grand gestures and sparkling self. However, my gut said no way. The night after dday when Im utterly devestated he was back on craigslist looking through the personals. THAT should have been the cue to exit the stage. But god d**mit I wanted/want this family to stay together. He knew this too. Onward is all that I can do.
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