We agreed on a break. I'm scared to death of losing him. Sorry, long post.

[hibob]

Hey everyone!

 

I'm new here but hoping for some honest advice and opinion...

 

Me (27) and my boyfriend (29) have been dating for 2 years now and living together for 1,5 years. Our relationship always had its ups and downs but most of the time we've found the right ways to figure probles out. In January, my beloved Mom was diagnosed with lung and bone cancer. My whole world turned upside down. My boyfriend way very supportive, but I hated the whole situation so I changed a lot, unfortunately in a bad way. I started to be mean and rude towards every single person that came across. I really needed someone to blame for what happens to my Mom. My boyfriend had a lot of good new things going on, but instead of supporting him, I started to criticise everything he did. I felt, it's wrong but I didn't know how to stop it. We started a home improvement a couple weeks ago and we decided to move to my Mom's place, at least I can be closer to her. And that's when it all happened... At a party on last Friday, my boyfriend and I had a huge fight over something I said, again, some mean thing, and he started to yell and said, it's over and he doesn't want to be with me ever again. I was crying for hours because I know how big mistake I made. I tried to call him, he turned his cell off, and didn't come home. On the Saturday, he asked me to let him in to pick up his stuff on Sunday. I was literally begging him to give me a chance to tel him how I feel. He was 100% sure, I cannot say anything that makes him change his mind. I knew it wasn't about that night, but the last couple months when I was acting crazy, and wasn't supportive or caring at all. I did not stop begging, so eventually, he agreed, he will listen to me, when he comes. I was so nervous, so scared that I cannot turn it back. (I still em... )

 

So he came over, I headr the door, I was sitting in my bed, trying to stop myself from crying. He stepped into my room, looked at me, and I couldn't help myself and started to cry. I said sorry for criying and his response was: "You are not the only one to cry" and he started too. I wanted to ask him two questions before saying anything. Without asking he said, "Yes, I still love you". I continued with the second one: I don't want this relationship to be over, so my gates are open, but I need to know, if I'll ever have a chance to have him back. He said, he doesn't know. I was all over the place, but I decided to read him the letter I wrote when I couldn't sleep because of the heartache. Basically, I told him, that I know, I made a huge mistake with not being caring and supportive and for criticising everything. I told him how I feel about my Mom's dying and how insecure I am and I was in the last some months. About how hard I tried to change myself, but I did nothing and I was taking him for granted. And how much I love him and want to support him for the rest of my life if he lets me to do so. I asked him not to break up but to have a break. We had some fights in our past, when he was asking me to spend some time apart, but I was too scared, too jealous and I refused to give space and time to him back then. I told him how much I want to show, that I trust him, that's why I'm giving the wanted space. He was crying while I was reading my letter. At the end, he said: "I'm happy that you are asking for a break, When I came here, I wanted to ask the same instead of breaking up but I was scared that you will say no." As I was criticising him all the time, he got scared of all my negative reactions. After the letter was read, he laid down in my bed, closed his eyes and was crying. When he got up, he kissed me. We were kissing for quite awhile. We started a laugh. While packing, it seemed obvious that we should stay together but he told me several times, not to be sure about getting back together because he really needs time to think. He jokingly said: "Don't you dare cheat on me!" (he was even reffering to a guy who he was jealous on.) We were both laughing but crying at the same time. He said, if I need anything about my Mom, he's there to support. I said one last thing. I told him I know he wouldn't want this whole thing but I forced him not to have any other choice. He nodded (still crying). He said goodbye to my Mom, came back to me, and cried some more on my shoulder while saying sorry. He caressed my face, gave a kiss to my forehead and left.

 

It was 3 days ago and I feel like I'm going crazy. I know, I can do nothing about his decision but I miss him so badly and I can't stop thinking about him ending this relationship. I'm afraid, with the time spent alone, he will realize he doesn't need me at all.

 

Today, I had a job interview and when I came out with the result, his FB message was already waiting. He asked me to tell him how it was. I told him the good news and he responnded: "I knew it I'm proud of you" I called him and told him, I miss him. He said he obviously thinks about me too but he doesn't want to talk about emotions, he needs space.

 

I do love this man, we had future plans together, and I don't seem to be able to cope with him breaking up. I do think he is the one for me even if we are both jealouos and inpatient from time to time.

 

How could I prove him from distance, I am here to change and support him? Am I supposed to do anything at all? Should I just give it up? Should I fight? Does he seem to love me at all? I do regret, what I did and how I acted and I want him to be happy by my side, just like we were before I went mental. I'm just so scared he doesn't want/love me anymore...

 

Many thanks to you all!

[EO422]

A break is just a way to ease into breaking up.

BUT how you handle yourself during this time is crucial.

 

If he wants a break then GIVE IT TO HIM. Don't text him, don't call him. If he texts you say "you wanted a break, we agreed to it. It's what we need to do" and that's IT. That's all you say. You never text him again. Etc. unless he is begging and pleading for you back.

[TaraMaiden2]

I also think you would benefit from counselling.

 

Your mum is dying.

You need bereavement support because you are channeling your grief in an unhealthy way.

 

Taking it out on others will merely alienate you.

Please, as soon as possible, go to your doctor and advise him of your emotional disruption, and ask him/her to refer you to a counsellor.

you need to implement measures NOW to help you cope with the inevitable.

 

Give your partner the space he requires.

In fact. let him contact you....

 

You have an enormous amount on your plate to deal with; I suggest you focus on your mum.

Talk to her about her condition, how much you love her, and any coping strategy you could implement together.

 

But see your doctor, and arrange counselling.

 

Whether this thing with your BF pans out positively or not, you need to 'grow' within yourself.

 

I hope all goes well.

Thinking of you.

With much Metta and Karuna.

 

TM X

[ScienceGal]

Give him space. Do all you can to NOT freak out, not to him anyway.

 

What are you doing to better yourself and deal with the issues you developed? Focus on that, because no matter which way the relationship goes, you need to address the behaviors you listed above. At minimum, you should seek counseling. So sorry about your mom

Edited October 7, 2015 by ScienceGal

[mightycpa]

All that stuff up there... they're all right. You need to grieve in a healthy way, and it doesn't help to have all this relationship drama bouncing around in your head.

 

It might just be that you lose two people in your life at one time. If so, this is your chance to learn how to come to grips with unpleasant and permanent change that is beyond your control. Life seems to present us with opportunities to improve the things we need to improve from time to time.

 

This might be one of your opportunities.

[lana-banana]

This is a break-up, but he feels like garbage for doing it at such a difficult time in your life, so he's disguising it as a "break". He's trying to acclimate you to the idea of being broken up so if/when you do talk again later it won't come as a complete shock. That said, he doesn't seem like a bad guy and it appears he genuinely cares about you. (He also wants you to feel good about yourself because it helps ease his own guilt.) However, he doesn't sound interested in reconciliation. When someone tells you there's nothing you can do to change their minds they mean it.

 

The most important thing you can do right now is spend time with your mother and take care of yourself. Time away from him should give you some perspective. I think you will realize pretty soon that he was not the one for you and the kindest thing you can do for someone who asks to leave is to let them.

[BC1980]

This is a break-up, but he feels like garbage for doing it at such a difficult time in your life, so he's disguising it as a "break". He's trying to acclimate you to the idea of being broken up so if/when you do talk again later it won't come as a complete shock.

 

Basically this. I think he did break up with you. I just don't think he wants to be the bad guy. A lot of people (most of us) feel very uncomfortable being the bad guy, so they try to remove some of the responsibility by slowly slipping out of your life and feeding you half-truths like "maybe in the future it will work." All of that is basically code for: it's over, but I just feel really bad being the one to end it.

 

I think Lana is right to point out that your situation with your mom is preventing him from an all out, clean cut breakup. I think he feels what he is doing is more kind, even though it really isn't. He might not realize that though.

 

All I can say is that I'm so sorry for your loss. No one should have to go though a death and a breakup. Do you have any other support systems?