once established as "The Provider" can a guy ever become "The Lover"?

[htmshsj]

Wow, I just read some of the old threads and got up to speed.

 

WTF??? Really? If you're so handsome and have women eyeballing you all the time, why don't you break up with your girlfriend and go out with one of them?

 

You can probably find a skinny one that doesn't fart on you. And didn't bone a 70-year-old for cash. Geez. I know guys will settle for some real garbage because "dude, she's like hot," but it doesn't sound like she's got that going for her anymore. Cut the cord and run while you've still got options.

[Dolfin80]

Lol

 

So she farts on you and doesn't have sex with you! That's really dysfunctional

[Got it]

of course. I have to initiate sex every time. And she acts like she's doing me a favor when she agrees to sex. She's never once been in the mood. For her, having sex with me is just about keeping me happy. Once we get started she enjoys it and she seems more willing to have sex again later that day, but it's really hard to get her interested.

 

I've tried many times to be aggressive and it's never been well received. Every time I try to physically initiate sex she tells me to stop. The only way sex ever happens is when I specifically ask "can we have sex?" and that is by far the least passionate way to start a sexual encounter.

 

I've tried so many times to make sex spontaneous and exciting but she just refuses.

 

Dead - I think you have posted information in other threads that indicate that your SO has a host of potential emotional and psychological issues that have created this very extreme paradox. Therapy would be a very good resource for her and until then I am not sure if she is capable of meeting you in the middle. (((((dead))))))))

[janabanana]

OP, I can really relate to your situation, but from the woman's POV. My bf complains about the same thing. He wants to have sex with me all the time, like 24/7, and I'm just never interested. And it is very frustrating for both of us, especially him. There are times he gets so horny I swear I think he's going to explode!

 

I think it comes down to the different way men and women think and feel about sex and love. We all want our SOs to also be stellar in bed, but that is just not very realistic, is it? I think that women are more likely to just accept that sex and love are two different things, and that their provider is probably not also going to be their greatest sexual experience ever. While men I think are more insistent to have it all - a great wife who also is a sex kitten. And since that's rarely how it works out in real life, men tend to get frustrated, and start looking elsewhere for primal satisfaction. We women, however, are much more realistic about it, IMO. We accept that the men who we really love are not going to be as sexually exciting as the "bad guys" we went out with when we were young (and dumb). We accept that sex and love are two quite different things, and just deal with it.

 

I'd urge you to just try and understand this from your gf's POV. She loves you, whether or not she finds you exciting in bed. And isn't that better than the other way around? Would you rather she enjoy you in bed, but not really love you? Would you rather just have a relationship based only on sex? Of course you wouldn't. You're just having trouble, like all men do at some point in their relationships, of dealing with the fact that love and sex are two different things, the best of which are usually not found in the same person.

[No Limit]

I'm not sure how other women/girls "rank" guys but if a guy gets the provider-stamp from me I'd expect him to provide for my sexual needs as well.

All-round provider.

[deadelvis]

And here we have OP's Thread #36 on trying to fix a relationship that can't be fixed.

 

Will this one go on to 20+ pages of the same suggestions and recommendations with no action by Deadelvis?

 

I predict nothing will ever change, until the OP truly decides to make a change.

 

20 pages of the same suggestion. break up. thanks for that incredibly insightful advice. good thing I came here to the forum. because you know... that thought never occurred to me. thank you for shedding such divine wisdom on the situation.

[deadelvis]

...I'd urge you to just try and understand this from your gf's POV. She loves you, whether or not she finds you exciting in bed. And isn't that better than the other way around? Would you rather she enjoy you in bed, but not really love you? Would you rather just have a relationship based only on sex? Of course you wouldn't. You're just having trouble, like all men do at some point in their relationships, of dealing with the fact that love and sex are two different things, the best of which are usually not found in the same person...

 

That's a pretty harsh compromise. I don't know how many people would be happy living on either side of that compromise. That seems like a recipe for resentment, unhappiness and probably eventually an affair...

[autumnnight]

I have a professional career and can take care of myself. BUT, due to my own wiring if a man isn't going to do the same, have drive, and win some bread (I don't mean for me, I mean as in work ethic and motivation).....I won;t see him as my lover because I won't respect him. So in a lot of ways, they go hand in hand with me. Not because I want "their" money (I have my own), but because I can't respect a man who won't take charge of his life and who I cannot rely on. Which means I cannot be attracted to him.

[clia]

I don't think you can change your role because based on what you've posted, she chose you because you are the provider. She doesn't see -- and doesn't care to see -- you in another way. She doesn't want to have sex with you, she doesn't want to go on dates with you, she's letting herself go...why else would she be in a relationship with you? Oh yeah, you support her financially. In my opinion, you are being used.

[deadelvis]

I don't think you can change your role because based on what you've posted, she chose you because you are the provider. She doesn't see -- and doesn't care to see -- you in another way. She doesn't want to have sex with you, she doesn't want to go on dates with you, she's letting herself go...why else would she be in a relationship with you? Oh yeah, you support her financially. In my opinion, you are being used.

 

It does in fact seem that way.