muppeteers Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 I'm in a bit of a conundrum. Months ago, I met a guy who is younger than me. It's a long story, but basically, he offered to sell the art I make on my behalf at markets, for a cut. At the time, I was in a longterm relationship. Immediately upon meeting the younger guy, I was struck by thunderbolt: I felt an unprecedented attraction for him. This made me realise that I don't have low libido, as I thought, and when I started to seriously considering cheating, it prompted me to question my relationship. After crying and being torn for weeks, I eventually realised something was missing and always had and decided to end it with my then boyfriend, regardless of whether I had any chances with the other guy. N.B.: I didn't get out of my relationship because of this crush. The crush made me realise I was not in love with my then boyfriend. The younger man knew I had a boyfriend, but whenever we met up, our body languages implied we were attracted to one another. On his part, there were dilated pupils, fidgeting and nerves, steady eye contact, initiating touch, body pointing in my direction, loads of questions, trying to impress me etc etc. After my breakup, I let him know without saying why, and for a few weeks I perceived a coldness in the younger guy's behaviour. Lately, however, he's warmed up, to the point of adding kisses to his messages; and last time I met him, he was staring at my lips rather intently. In short, I think the chemistry is mutual. Moreover, we think alike, and on several occasions, we've been reaching the same identical conclusion independently. On my part, I'm afraid to admit, I am a goner. I know it's a mistake, but given how it started, I can't help it. I'm obsessed with this guy, and cannot stop thinking about him. He doesn't know (or at least, not the extent of it). And, I have asked him out to a show, which I knew he'd love. It was, however, only the day before the show and he said he was away for work (he is away a lot for work, and I have no reason to doubt he was telling the truth). The problem is, that even though I think he may be attracted to me, he does not initiate meetings. In fact, it feels as if he is almost avoiding being alone with me. I know that he has been hurt in a past relationship. I know that he is very busy, and probably trying to build a career of sorts (he is an actor). And I know that timing is probably not right. BUT. I cannot let it go, because I have never felt like this before, and I know we would make a wonderful couple. I know how rare this is. So I am in extreme pain. I am tempted to propose we sleep together, if only just once- even if it means that I'll grow more attached, and suffer 100 times more, because I cannot imagine not to explore such a strong attraction. I am not sure how to approach this, though, without scaring him away. Do I spill the beans? Or do I retreat to see what he does? I don't want to lose this. We have a few months left of working together, but after that, we'll part ways. 1
Gloria25 Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 I'm in a bit of a conundrum. Months ago, I met a guy who is younger than me. It's a long story, but basically, he offered to sell the art I make on my behalf at markets, for a cut. At the time, I was in a longterm relationship. Immediately upon meeting the younger guy, I was struck by thunderbolt: I felt an unprecedented attraction for him. This made me realise that I don't have low libido, as I thought, and when I started to seriously considering cheating, it prompted me to question my relationship. After crying and being torn for weeks, I eventually realised something was missing and always had and decided to end it with my then boyfriend, regardless of whether I had any chances with the other guy. N.B.: I didn't get out of my relationship because of this crush. The crush made me realise I was not in love with my then boyfriend. The younger man knew I had a boyfriend, but whenever we met up, our body languages implied we were attracted to one another. On his part, there were dilated pupils, fidgeting and nerves, steady eye contact, initiating touch, body pointing in my direction, loads of questions, trying to impress me etc etc. After my breakup, I let him know without saying why, and for a few weeks I perceived a coldness in the younger guy's behaviour. Lately, however, he's warmed up, to the point of adding kisses to his messages; and last time I met him, he was staring at my lips rather intently. In short, I think the chemistry is mutual. Moreover, we think alike, and on several occasions, we've been reaching the same identical conclusion independently. On my part, I'm afraid to admit, I am a goner. I know it's a mistake, but given how it started, I can't help it. I'm obsessed with this guy, and cannot stop thinking about him. He doesn't know (or at least, not the extent of it). And, I have asked him out to a show, which I knew he'd love. It was, however, only the day before the show and he said he was away for work (he is away a lot for work, and I have no reason to doubt he was telling the truth). The problem is, that even though I think he may be attracted to me, he does not initiate meetings. In fact, it feels as if he is almost avoiding being alone with me. I know that he has been hurt in a past relationship. I know that he is very busy, and probably trying to build a career of sorts (he is an actor). And I know that timing is probably not right. BUT. I cannot let it go, because I have never felt like this before, and I know we would make a wonderful couple. I know how rare this is. So I am in extreme pain. I am tempted to propose we sleep together, if only just once- even if it means that I'll grow more attached, and suffer 100 times more, because I cannot imagine not to explore such a strong attraction. I am not sure how to approach this, though, without scaring him away. Do I spill the beans? Or do I retreat to see what he does? I don't want to lose this. We have a few months left of working together, but after that, we'll part ways. I put in bold ^^ important parts in your post. Why? Cuz it clearly shows that all what you "think" is going on is all in your head. This guy has to work with you and you are taking his "politeness" and possible physical attraction as him interested in you and all this is, is him being friendly with a person he has to work with. Leave this guy alone... He's not interested. So what if you "think" he is attracted to you? Even "if" he was, he ain't initiating anything. If you push to sleep with him "just once", he might do it - but since he isn't interested, he'll walk away and zip up his pants with no regrets and you'll be heartbroken because it is apparent that you are more invested than he is. From personal experience, DON'T EVER CHASE/PURSUE a guy who isn't reciprocating your attention/affections. You're gonna come off as pathetic, silly, and probably gonna end up scaring the heck out of him. 3
Author muppeteers Posted October 7, 2015 Author Posted October 7, 2015 Thank you. I know you are right, it just hurts like hell.
newmoon Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 you are having a dream relationship and reading a lot into nothing. the guy clearly isn't interested in you from what you've explained. you're out of a long-term relationship and probably just looking for some affirmation and attention, but throwing yourself at someone who doesn't like you back will lower your self-esteem and not lift it. just keep it professional and look for someone else who might have a legitimate interest in you. 1
stillafool Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 (edited) What is the age difference? He could be attracted but not sure he wants to get involved, if he will be rejected or just confused. Also if he is an struggling actor he doesn't have much money to date. Edited October 7, 2015 by stillafool
Author muppeteers Posted October 7, 2015 Author Posted October 7, 2015 Age difference is high- 6 years. Yes, not much money for sure.
O'Malley Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 I think that a mild attraction or a social flirtation can develop without feeling compelled to act out on it. That seems to be the case with this guy. You invited him out and he neither asked for a rain check nor responded with an invite of his own (both of which would have indicated reciprocated interest) so I'd let this one go. Be professional but let him see the best of you. Take that initiative and passion and put it towards meeting men who clearly show and return interest.
loveflower Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 Recommend the book : "he is just not that into you" I find it enlightening. 1
bachdude Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 As you know, artistic types often have a very strong independent streak in them and perhaps he felt the urge to pull back a little when he saw how interested you were in him. He may prefer to be in control of the situation and the pace. Otherwise he might feel a bit engulfed. Well, I think if there is any hope for this relationship to turn into the passionate romance you are dreaming of, you are going to have to back off, be more distant, professional, etc... If he does have interest and just hasn't acted on it yet, he will see that he may have given you the wrong impression and it may motivate him to pursue. You won't get anywhere by pushing him anyway. So it's pretty much your only option at this point. Good luck! 1
loveflower Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 yes, it's very hard to understand how someone seemingly interested in you, are not that into you. I have been there. I was very naive. for me, it was black and white. either you really into someone or you don't. it never occurred to me that guys could be very gray.
stillafool Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 Age difference is high- 6 years. Yes, not much money for sure. 6 years is not that high of an age difference.
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