SweetLikeCinnamon Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 (edited) So I've gone on 4 dates with this guy. The first date was a coffee date in the early afternoon which went pretty well (we just hugged goodbye, but I wasn't expecting anymore) Right after the date he texted me saying I was really pretty and that he wanted to see me again soon, so I knew he was interested. The second date was in the evening and we went for drinks. On this date I wasn't sure if he liked me (during the first half at least) as he acted pretty cool and indifferent, though things warmed up towards the end. We hugged goodbye and I could tell he wanted to kiss me but he seemed nervous so I went in for the kiss, which I really enjoyed. As soon as I went he texted me saying 'sorry, I hope you didn't mind that I kissed you? I was a bit impulsive.' I found this weird because I was the one who kissed him pretty much! Then I said it was fine and he responded by saying that he really likes me and hopes we can meet up again soon. I told him that I wasn't sure that he liked me (I was quite surprised) and he replied saying he was surprised I didn't realise and it must be 'cause he's an introvert. At this point I gathered that he is just way more shy than I realised, his texts are generally a lot warmer and and more affectionate that he is in person, which seems to be 'cause he's nervous when we meet. We didn't meet up for 2 weeks because I was away but we were in contact (he even phoned). I came back the day before my birthday and he told me he wanted to take me out for my birthday. He took me for a meal in the afternoon (as he was working in the evening). Since we had kissed the last time we saw each other I guess I was expecting things to have moved forward. But during the date I started to feel more that I was talking to a friend and we didn't kiss goodbye or even hold hands or anything. He did choose to sit next to me when we were eating but that was about it as far as anything physical. Again we didn't see each other for another two weeks because of clashing schedules (we've both had a really busy 2 weeks, he has tried to see me though). Yesterday was his birthday so I suggested we I take him out for a drink (though he said in response he'd settle for just a hug instead!). First we went for a coffee and then for a drink at a pub (the date was pretty short again because of him working in the evening). We had pretty deep conversations during the drinks (we usually do) about our childhood, regrets, our pasts, our views etc, and it was pretty nice. Though again I felt like it took some time to warm up. During the coffee he even volunteered that he's not against the idea of being married (and went on to say he thinks it would be nice). He's asked me a few times now if I'm planning to stay in this town after I finish university in the summer. When we were in the pub we were sat pretty close with our legs touching. A couple of times he would nudge me on the leg. He also always touches my waist when he greets me so it's not like there's no touching. But anyway, I was sure that this time we would kiss. But by the time we said bye we still hadn't kissed. We hugged goodbye (he hugged me tightly and for a while). He even for the first time tried to schedule the next date right then and there - for Sunday when he will have the whole day off. But still no kiss. Am I weird for thinking that after 4 dates we should be kissing by now? I'm inclined to think he's just very shy and nervous. Though it has caught me off guard as he's very good looking, is 5 years older than me (29) and has a son, and was quite active in pursuing me. Even in the stories he tells me it's clear he has a lot of friends and is someone who likes talking to people and can make friends easily with strangers. But he still seems quite reserved with me. And thoughts? And how can I move things forward a bit more? Edited October 7, 2015 by SweetLikeCinnamon
Buddhist Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 Stop equating shyness with introvert, that's damn annoying because they are not at all the same thing. Introverts simply have an inward focus so that's why you always find him reserved and a bit business-like upfront and it takes a while before the real person shines through. He's probably an INTJ/INFJ by the sounds of things. You're not kissing most likely because you're in a public place and it's awkward. Get him alone or in a semi-private location and it will be a different deal. If he's talking inner thoughts then you don't need to move anything along a bit more, he's already there. The big problem here is a lack of privacy. Invite him over to your place for the next date, 5th date is completely fine for this. Then enjoy snogging away on the couch. I'm an INTJ, btw. He sounds slightly more INFJ but both those types are total retards when it comes to social customs of this nature.
salparadise Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 I think he is just shy. My bet is that as soon as he walks away he'd beating himself up for not having the wherewithal to make the move. I bet it's bothering him more than it is you. It's unusual that he hasn't overcome this by his age, being good-looking and having a son (is he divorced?). You just need to green-light him in an obvious way to take the pressure off. For example, when you're sitting side-by-side, lean in half way, close your eyes and say "kiss me." If he wants to believe it was all his idea, let him. After you've swapped enough germs for him to understand you want physical affection and that he turns you on, try switching to a submissive demeanor and letting him take control and develop his masculine, dominance that has probably been repressed. Next thing you know the two of you will be shopping for blindfolds, restraints and nipple clamps. 1
salparadise Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 I'm an INTJ, btw. He sounds slightly more INFJ but both those types are total retards when it comes to social customs of this nature. Oh yea? I am an INTJ as well. New girlfriend is INFJ. I didn't kiss her on the first two dates. I did after the 3rd date, and we'll, let's just say it wasn't just one kiss. I wanted to after the 2nd date but it was awkward as hell- I was about to get out of her car and there's this huge console between the seats, so I would've had to practically climb over that thing to get to her. I know she wanted me to... but we made up for it the next time.
Author SweetLikeCinnamon Posted October 7, 2015 Author Posted October 7, 2015 Buddhist - No need for eye rolling. I personally think he's shy with girls, but he's the one who said he was an introvert. It's also possible to be both. The reason I think he's being/shy nervous is, as I said, it seems like his behaviour is different with other people. And yeah, things might be different in a private setting. Though I feel like I'd be nervous having him round at this stage as I wouldn't know what to do! But I am considering it now . .
d0nnivain Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 It would make me nutty. I was going to break up with my husband if he hadn't kissed me on our 3rd date. Look for an opportunity for you to kiss him. If one doesn't materialize you need to talk to him or walk. 1
Author SweetLikeCinnamon Posted October 7, 2015 Author Posted October 7, 2015 Sal - Thanks, those are some good tips He's not divorced, his child is from his ex girlfriend - they had already split up before she knew she was pregnant
No_Go Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 I am INTJ according to tests (once tested as INFJ) but never had problems with kissing in public spaces if I don't know anybody around. If I do (eg in friends group) it is uncomfortable. The guy seems insecure / reserved (apologizing for a kiss??), what is his relationship history? Was he in a relationship till recently to your knowledge op? Stop equating shyness with introvert, that's damn annoying because they are not at all the same thing. Introverts simply have an inward focus so that's why you always find him reserved and a bit business-like upfront and it takes a while before the real person shines through. He's probably an INTJ/INFJ by the sounds of things. You're not kissing most likely because you're in a public place and it's awkward. Get him alone or in a semi-private location and it will be a different deal. If he's talking inner thoughts then you don't need to move anything along a bit more, he's already there. The big problem here is a lack of privacy. Invite him over to your place for the next date, 5th date is completely fine for this. Then enjoy snogging away on the couch. I'm an INTJ, btw. He sounds slightly more INFJ but both those types are total retards when it comes to social customs of this nature.
Author SweetLikeCinnamon Posted October 7, 2015 Author Posted October 7, 2015 No go - I know he's had a few serious relationships. He hasn't said anything about very recent relationahip history yet but from what I can see on his Facebook he seemed to be back with the mother of his child around Easter, I'm not sure how long it lasted though. But they don't seem to get on too well from what he's said
Author SweetLikeCinnamon Posted October 7, 2015 Author Posted October 7, 2015 Also to add, the reason I know he is nervous is because he said he was on our first date and his behaviour hasn't changed in that regard since then. He also said he was surprised he was nervous because he hasn't been nervous on dates he had before hand
Miss Peach Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 (edited) My current BF didn't kiss me until roughly 6 dates in until he felt he could get away with inviting me to his house. He just doesn't like doing more than a quick peck or some hand holding in public. I usually don't get nervous on dates but I did with him. On another topic, if he has a child with another woman he doesn't get along with then be cautious. I'm saying this as a single parent myself. Sometimes the drama and custody battles can get ugly. I'm not saying to dump him over it but I would ask him a lot of questions about how they handle disagreements, were the courts ever involved, etc. Edited October 7, 2015 by Miss Peach 1
fitnessfan365 Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 I know that women usually like it when a guy initiates a first kiss. But sometimes if you like a guy and he's nervous, you have to break tradition and initiate yourself. Then hopefully that will put him at ease, and he'll be more take charge after that. However, I've never understood why some guys wait so many dates myself. If I'm attracted and want to see a woman again, I go for a kiss on the first date if all the signs are there she enjoyed my company. 1
perol Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 He's not shy he's severely lacking in self confidence. That gets old- fast.
No_Go Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 I asked because if he's still emotionally attached it would explain the nervousness. Or if he's hiding for some reason - e.g. if not completely separated with the ex gf, or if for some reason the mother of his kid is in the picture (maybe trying to restrict his access to the kid?) But in any case, too early to speculate. See how the next few dates will be. No go - I know he's had a few serious relationships. He hasn't said anything about very recent relationahip history yet but from what I can see on his Facebook he seemed to be back with the mother of his child around Easter, I'm not sure how long it lasted though. But they don't seem to get on too well from what he's said
Author SweetLikeCinnamon Posted October 8, 2015 Author Posted October 8, 2015 . On another topic, if he has a child with another woman he doesn't get along with then be cautious. I'm saying this as a single parent myself. Sometimes the drama and custody battles can get ugly. I'm not saying to dump him over it but I would ask him a lot of questions about how they handle disagreements, were the courts ever involved, etc. I don't think it's that serious. I meant it more in terms of them not getting get on well in a relationship, but there are fairly amicable now from what I understand. I think they just have minor disagreements.
Miss Peach Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 OP - That helps clarify it. I would also ask him questions about how much he's involved. I know so many men who talk on and on about their kids but in reality aren't involved at all (or barely), make excuses, etc. Just remember if you ever want to have kids with this guy he will treat yours the same way. I've seen so many single moms (and dads) have to shoulder most of the parenting themselves when the other parent is just a fun weekend parent that skirts the real parenting work. Then the new wife/GF is surprised she's in the same situation later on as the first gf/wife.
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