Reading alot about Commitment Phobia ~ can we look at it another way?

[SeaShells]

(Posted this under another topic ~ this spot may be more appropriate)

 

I've been reading all the latest posts regarding 'commitment phobia' and I can certainly see that it could be a problem if you think you 'have it' (as if it's a diagnosis or a disease) or have tendencies to pull back with no understanding of why, or have to relate with someone who has the tendency to be non-committal.. . . BUT, I think I'm seeing it another way ~

 

If I am a self-confident person who is independent, happy in the world, has a full life, looks for challenges to grow, is financially self-sufficient, has great support and social groups, and enjoys solitude, why cannot I be 'in relationship' with terms we both agree on, including plenty of space for myself (no, I don't like to be swallowed-up and appreciate my alone-time as well as together-time) and not be labeled 'commitment phobic?' (And, it's an agreement, I say, not all just my way?)

 

It takes being truly honest with yourself in knowing these things before you can be honest with your partner, in order for both of you to come to terms with agreements for being in that relationship. I do not want to spend all my time with someone, nor do I want to live with someone. I enjoy my alone time to think, do my art, read. That stated, why must there be a judgement against me because I'm a certain way?

 

From the posts I've read, it seems as if alot of people don't have this awareness of themselves, this comfort with independence and alone-time, or maybe it's just the lack of self-confidence and acceptance of who they are. They then cannot communicate this to their partners, who are ending up getting hurt because they're feeling pushed away. A lack of understanding? A lack of communication? Labeling? Does it take years of practice, does it take maturity and wisdom?

 

It's a bad rap for those of us who are just fine in the world, not WANTING to commit at the same level as another.

 

Just my thoughts. .. .

[Tony]

"If I am a self-confident person who is independent, happy in the world, has a full life, looks for challenges to grow, is financially self-sufficient, has great support and social groups, and enjoys solitude, why cannot I be 'in relationship' with terms we both agree on, including plenty of space for myself (no, I don't like to be swallowed-up and appreciate my alone-time as well as together-time) and not be labeled 'commitment phobic?'"

 

People who are commitment phobic seek out the sweetness of relationships and then toss them when they become too close or when the other party seeks more than just a dating relationship. What you have described above is a relationship in which both parties have mutually agreed on the terms. Of course, one of you could want more at some point in time and accuse the other of being phobic about proceeding further. That would be wrong.

 

You are a free person and completely right in seeking the type of relationship that makes you happy. A person who may at one time have agreed fully on your terms and felt the same way may very well change their mind at some point. If they are judgemental about you at that point, don't take it personally. They have to own that judgement.

 

Not everybody was meant to be in a consuming, fully enveloped relationship with another human being. We are born with free will (and I don't want to get into that debate) and are totally free to seek out and engage in relationships with other people that are satisfying and meet our objectives.

 

I do think you have a certain obligation to be forthright and honest about your needs and requirements, right from the start. If you do this, a person who may eventually want more from you cannot make any kind of attack at all because you were honest from the start. People tend to forget such disclosures because they are usually given at a time when interest levels are minimal. But if you do so anyway, you are good to go.

 

If somebody who seeks a deeply committed relationship falls for you after you have clearly told them that's not the sort of thing you engage in, it's their problem unfortunately. The greatest number of people on earth begin relationships hoping the other person will change in some fashion...in your case, many may hope you'll change your mind.

 

Presenting your requirements ahead of time also sets forth the infamous challenge, which so many people seek out and relish. It's very frustrating when a person takes on a challenge and is not successful.

 

The problem, anyhow, is not yours and judgements belongs to others, not you. If I tell people you are a giraffe, that doesn't make you a giraffe!

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by Tony

People who are commitment phobic seek out the sweetness of relationships and then toss them when they become too close

 

Yup. It's not the choice with respect to commitment levels that is the problem, it's:

 

- dishonesty/lack of self-awareness in presenting that to the other person.

- instability/shifting goalposts. The level of relationship and commitment is expected to fluctuate on the (sometimes day-to-day) whim of just one of the parties.

 

The combination leaves the other party wounded and confused.

 

When people are afraid of anything, more often than not they are unable to be rational and considerate about it. But if you know your needs, communicate them clearly and are able to stick to this, that's great.