Celeste.Carol Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 I was very selective....not sure who these guys are who will settle for anything. I had clear standards, values and expectations for serious relationships. When I met my wife, I locked her down as quickly as I could because she knocked me out with her joy for life, warmth and wit. When the posters bf appreciated her being on time, he was appreciating personal responsibility and thoughtfulness...I admire those qualities in my wife also. Best, Grumps That is so sweet Grumps. I wish there were more men like this out there, looking for true love, and not just the perfect playmate to toy with. More maturity is needed in the dating world! 1
Revan32 Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 What makes a man decide very early on (within first 3 or 4 dates) that he wants to date a particular woman exclusively and pursue a meaningful relationship with her? Is it that he's fallen in love or is dazzled by her so quickly? Or is it that he recognises she's the best he is likely to be able to get? I've had a few situations where a guy has asked as early as the 2nd or 3rd date for us to be exclusive. They've been otherwise sane. Why so quick? I've probably been on well over a 100 dates all with different girls. I've only ever wanted an exclusive relationship with 2 of them. And both of those I knew from the first hour of the first date, that I could stay with them and be happy. I didn't let them know that of course. I'm not that clingy. lol What cause some guys to do that varies. Some guys are just desperate to get laid and have a girl, so they try and lock down the first girl that is agreeable. Others like me, have plenty of opportunities, we just can't make an emotional connection with the vast majority of girls, and get so excited when we finally do, that we move really fast.
LostOnes05 Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 I'm really not angry or bitter. I'm also not sure you can speak objectively for the population of women based on your own personal beliefs. I am out there meeting these women and I promise you they are flaky at best. Even the talk of relationships makes them grimace. I'm not saying I know why that is; in fact I'm asking in your thread -- why are women so afraid to commit? My hypothesis based on my experiences is that they simply feel they have so many options that they are afraid to choose the wrong one. Instead they keep the metaphorical door open to other men even while being in a 'committed' relationship. These are the younger girls I'm speaking of as well.. 20-26ish. Could be a generational thing as the older women are ready to settle down and have learned enough about relationships to be in a responsible one. I've experienced this exact same thing, even down to the girl realizing you care about her and completely switching the script. So, I have to agree with Stage5clinger's perspective on this.
central Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 What makes a man decide very early on (within first 3 or 4 dates) that he wants to date a particular woman exclusively and pursue a meaningful relationship with her? Is it that he's fallen in love or is dazzled by her so quickly? Or is it that he recognises she's the best he is likely to be able to get? I've had a few situations where a guy has asked as early as the 2nd or 3rd date for us to be exclusive. They've been otherwise sane. Why so quick? I can usually decide within a few dates if I want to be exclusive. I certainly haven't fallen in love at that point, but I see potential for that - I may be dazzled a little, but also have enough dating experience to recognize a high level of compatibility and attraction. I don't think in terms of whether she's the BEST I can get; if I keep looking, I can probably do as well or better - eventually. There is no desperation for me - I know I can get someone great. That's not to say this is true of everyone who does this, of course - some no doubt are delusional or desperate. Once the recognition of potential for something lasting is there, it is often good to act quickly and lock in the opportunity to find out for sure, before someone else does. IMO, it will still take at least 2 years of dating - including 1 year living together - before deciding that there are no deal breaker issues and this person truly is compatible, consistent, and loving in the ways I want. If not, at any time an insoluble problem occurs, it's over.
Mendalore Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 (edited) This topic is relevant to my interests as well. I was dating this girl where almost everything was clicking. Similar interests, great chemistry, similar background, same energy levels, etc. I never even brought up exclusivity, but if she was feeling down or something I'd let her know that I care about her. Turns out that hugging "too long"(even though we really only hugged when leaving each other or cuddling when going to sleep), kissing "too much"(even though this was really only in bed), and letting her know that I care made me "too into it" and, as a result, caused her to lose her attraction for me. I had the thought in my head of "wow, she's great, I could see this going long-haul," but she didn't share that sentiment I guess, despite how enraptured she was at the onset of our dating. I'm 100% with Revan. I can pretty much immediately tell if I see long-term potential with someone on the first date or, at very least, tell if they're NOT. I actually prefer to not do "short term dating." I don't want to miss any opportunities for something long term by taking up my time with something short term. Especially as I progress into my 30s. When I identify that potential, it's hard to hide my excitement. I let that excitement out on the first date and it was reciprocated. Subsequent dates, not so much... Edited to add: I think there's some validity that a large amount of women are, at least on a basal level, more attracted to guys who are more apt to leave them. I guess that goes hand-in-hand with confidence. If we're willing to commit that could be construed as if we're trying to lock them in because we're not confident enough to find someone else if things didn't work out. Even if you vocally tell them that you just see a lot of potential and would like to focus on one another, the primitive subconscious can still think different and, alas, isn't always as rational. I'm probably going to catch flame for that last bit, but it's something I've noticed... Edited October 7, 2015 by Mendalore
xUnknown Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 I haven't read the responses, but I will when I get some time. In short, I personally don't ask until 4-5 weeks if not more to make it exclusive. I want to date around before committing to someone. Then, after another month or two, if I see it going somewhere, make things official. He could have asked after the 2nd or 3rd date because he has self respect. He doesn't want to be played. He doesn't want the girl going out, dating, hooking up, banging other dudes, if he is into her romantically. So, he wants to make it exclusive out of respect for both of you. He wants you to know, I like you enough to not do things with other people and give it a fair honest chance. 1
carhill Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 What makes a man decide very early on (within first 3 or 4 dates) that he wants to date a particular woman exclusively and pursue a meaningful relationship with her? 1. All men are different, as are their reasons. 2. He apparently is interested in a relationship, not dating or socializing. 3. The woman is sufficiently attractive and compelling to merit exclusivity and focusing on a long term relationship with. Is it that he's fallen in love or is dazzled by her so quickly? Men can be dazzled or fall in love quickly. Some of that is their brain organization and some is environmental, mainly timing. Meet at a different time and place and zippo could occur. Or is it that he recognises she's the best he is likely to be able to get? That's possible but I've never experienced it personally. I've had a few situations where a guy has asked as early as the 2nd or 3rd date for us to be exclusive. They've been otherwise sane. Why so quick? Generally, of course depending on demographics, most men are aware that women are entertaining other men, as men, both married and single, hit on women all the time. Hence, he wants to focus this woman's attention on him, as quickly as possible. Healthy? Opinion varies. Personally, I had no interest in that strategy but that might be part of why I had many dismal dating failures where another guy, or a married guy, would swoop in and poof. I remember one in particular where the lady ended up marrying the 'UPS guy' within a year of our dating, and we dated for a couple months, maybe 4-5 times, since she was a single mom of two and busy. I dawdled, didn't 'close the deal' and things ended. I'm still kinda circumspect to seek to 'close the deal' because of many experiences with MW's in early life. That's my issue to resolve. I simply don't trust that women are single so am loathe to emotionally focus on exclusivity and attachment early and don't have the compartmentalization skills to separate romance, sex and emotional attachment. Hence, the winning move is not to play, or find an environment where women are OK with someone who isn't a 'deal closer' who wants to 'lock her down'. I get the reasoning because it's attractive to know one appears to 'have' another emotionally and that has value. It's a bargain other guys have worked out. I still have problems with it. Hope that helps! 1
mike_89 Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 Why so quick? Guys make up their mind a lot more quickly than women do and there has to be something seriously wrong with a girl for that to change. Typically I know during the first date if I will pursue a girl for a more committed relationship and that usually does not change (there's some deal breakers of course: body odour, stalker type behaviour and being a feminist). Mendalore I do agree that women are more attracted to guys who seem apt to leave them. That's why, even when I really want to pursue a girl for a committed relationship, I won't talk about it or let her know consciously. Letting a woman know I wanted a serious relationship in like, the first 5 dates, has had a 100% fail rate (not exaggerating, literally 100%) for me. Keeping these feelings to myself and basically just dating women and acting around them as if I were in a relationship with them while not talking about relationships or exclusivity or any of that has very good success rates. I think women need to feel like you have other girls you could be off too if they don't invest in you.
Miss Peach Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 (edited) This topic is relevant to my interests as well. I was dating this girl where almost everything was clicking. Similar interests, great chemistry, similar background, same energy levels, etc. I never even brought up exclusivity, but if she was feeling down or something I'd let her know that I care about her. Turns out that hugging "too long"(even though we really only hugged when leaving each other or cuddling when going to sleep), kissing "too much"(even though this was really only in bed), and letting her know that I care made me "too into it" and, as a result, caused her to lose her attraction for me. I had the thought in my head of "wow, she's great, I could see this going long-haul," but she didn't share that sentiment I guess, despite how enraptured she was at the onset of our dating. I'm 100% with Revan. I can pretty much immediately tell if I see long-term potential with someone on the first date or, at very least, tell if they're NOT. I actually prefer to not do "short term dating." I don't want to miss any opportunities for something long term by taking up my time with something short term. Especially as I progress into my 30s. When I identify that potential, it's hard to hide my excitement. I let that excitement out on the first date and it was reciprocated. Subsequent dates, not so much... Edited to add: I think there's some validity that a large amount of women are, at least on a basal level, more attracted to guys who are more apt to leave them. I guess that goes hand-in-hand with confidence. If we're willing to commit that could be construed as if we're trying to lock them in because we're not confident enough to find someone else if things didn't work out. Even if you vocally tell them that you just see a lot of potential and would like to focus on one another, the primitive subconscious can still think different and, alas, isn't always as rational. I'm probably going to catch flame for that last bit, but it's something I've noticed... Women face the same hot/cold, push/pull behavior from men. It's usually emotional unavailability. I'll admit I went for that at one time but now if I see any behavior like you describe I run away fast. But I also have seen friends much older than me who haven't figured it out yet. My BF got me by being consistent, treating me well, showing me he was into me, we seemed compatible, and we had chemistry. Edited October 7, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Commercial link redacted 1
Author JasmineJones Posted October 7, 2015 Author Posted October 7, 2015 I can usually decide within a few dates if I want to be exclusive. I certainly haven't fallen in love at that point, but I see potential for that - I may be dazzled a little, but also have enough dating experience to recognize a high level of compatibility and attraction. I don't think in terms of whether she's the BEST I can get; if I keep looking, I can probably do as well or better - eventually. There is no desperation for me - I know I can get someone great. That's not to say this is true of everyone who does this, of course - some no doubt are delusional or desperate. Once the recognition of potential for something lasting is there, it is often good to act quickly and lock in the opportunity to find out for sure, before someone else does. IMO, it will still take at least 2 years of dating - including 1 year living together - before deciding that there are no deal breaker issues and this person truly is compatible, consistent, and loving in the ways I want. If not, at any time an insoluble problem occurs, it's over. So romantic
alphamale Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 In short, I personally don't ask until 4-5 weeks if not more to make it exclusive. I want to date around before committing to someone. Then, after another month or two, if I see it going somewhere, make things official. 4-5 weeks?? wtf
Author JasmineJones Posted October 7, 2015 Author Posted October 7, 2015 4-5 weeks?? wtf You don't think 4 to 5 weeks is long enough? It seems ample time to me. All we're talking about is dating exclusively and seeing how that goes. We're not talking about marriage or buying a house together and having kids. 1
python23 Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 This topic is an interesting one for me right now as I'm in a situation where this is relevant. I've had 4 dates with this girl, she's funny caring and beautiful and I'm falling very fast. Mainly due to her beauty. But I've learnt not to rush things. I've realised most girls don't work the same as us guys do and she's already told me she wants to take it slow, so all I can do is use my maturity and hold off getting to caught up in dating her. Keep it simple and fun, even though inside I want this girl exclusively, I know I'd scare her off if I mentioned it now. I'm taking each date as it comes.
Author JasmineJones Posted October 7, 2015 Author Posted October 7, 2015 This topic is an interesting one for me right now as I'm in a situation where this is relevant. I've had 4 dates with this girl, she's funny caring and beautiful and I'm falling very fast. Mainly due to her beauty. But I've learnt not to rush things. I've realised most girls don't work the same as us guys do and she's already told me she wants to take it slow, so all I can do is use my maturity and hold off getting to caught up in dating her. Keep it simple and fun, even though inside I want this girl exclusively, I know I'd scare her off if I mentioned it now. I'm taking each date as it comes. Beauty can inspire lust. But, love??
joseb Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 Beauty can inspire lust. But, love?? Yeah well thats the thing. I think the guys that "know" they want something long term are just really attracted to the person. For me thats not enough. Its enough to keep seeing her, yes. It might even make me stop bothering hitting on other girls. But I dont want to think about long term or "locking someone down" until i really know them. That takes a long time for me.
LilaMarie Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 I thought this article was a good write up that helped me understand this. The Rules Revisited: Men Don't Fall in Love the Same Way Women Do My BF told me it was because I was beautiful and I came early to our dates. Another guy told me it was because he felt so comfortable around me. I think all men have different things depending on what they have experienced but I am shocked myself at how simple it sounds. Thanks for sharing Miss Peach.
Mendalore Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 Thanks for sharing Miss Peach. Hear, hear. Spot-on in my experience. I just wish I knew this before my last experience. I would have kept my emotions in check until she was more comfortable.
python23 Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 Beauty can inspire lust. But, love?? Yes that's right. For most me especially me, it needs to be two things, the first thing is attraction, if I think she's stunning that's goes a long way for me falling for them if I'm dating them but also, which is just as important if I get good vibes about her personality, if she's making the effort to see me and coming up with plans and overall seems to be a really genuine girl then falling in love is easy at the beginning for most guys. Don't get me wrong, we've all met absolute stunners, 10/10's with the personality of a witch. I wouldn't look twice at these girls so I certainly wouldn't fall for them, the initial observation of their personally is just as important but looks is just as important for guys. People can disagree with me but it's true. Especially for me. If love isn't within the first 4-5 dates then it's never going to be there for me. If I'm not crazy about her after a few weeks then il never be crazy about her 2
PrettyEmily77 Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 The men I've had relationships with have made their desire for an exclusive relationship clear very quickly. Granted, I'm more traditional, and I only have relationships with men who are clearly serious and very interested. In most cases, when a guy really likes you, he knows right away. I think it's natural for him to try to lock you down fast. I'd feel doubtful if he didn't. Same here. Wouldn't want to be with a guy who doesn't make his intentions crystal clear from the off. I only do LTRs and would rather get it wrong trying in the view of a monogamous R than having a guy dither and string me along while he makes his mind up. That assertiveness and the fact he can go for what he wants right away is super attractive to me. I knew pretty much right away how I felt about my BF and I feel so lucky it was mutual. We're still getting to know each other over 6 months on but at least we both know where we stand.
mesmer Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 What makes a man decide very early on (within first 3 or 4 dates) that he wants to date a particular woman exclusively and pursue a meaningful relationship with her? Is it that he's fallen in love or is dazzled by her so quickly? Or is it that he recognises she's the best he is likely to be able to get? I've had a few situations where a guy has asked as early as the 2nd or 3rd date for us to be exclusive. They've been otherwise sane. Why so quick? On one end of the spectrum of guys so love-starved that anybody "good enough" will be good enough. On the other end are guys that are so picky they ALWAYS think they can do better. I'd caution against committing with somebody so eager to commit.
Author JasmineJones Posted October 8, 2015 Author Posted October 8, 2015 My best friend is stunningly attractive, speaks 5 languages, talented, well educated, from a wealthy family etc etc. She is in a relationship at the moment but generally at least 90% of the men she goes on dates with try to get into an exclusive relationship with her. Her ex boyfriend told her he was in love with her just 10 days into the relationship, even though the ex himself was very eligible and typically didn't commit quickly to women in the past. I think the 'quality' of the woman has some influence on how keen a man is to ask for exclusivity etc. On one end of the spectrum of guys so love-starved that anybody "good enough" will be good enough. On the other end are guys that are so picky they ALWAYS think they can do better. I'd caution against committing with somebody so eager to commit. 1
Celeste.Carol Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 On one end of the spectrum of guys so love-starved that anybody "good enough" will be good enough. On the other end are guys that are so picky they ALWAYS think they can do better. I'd caution against committing with somebody so eager to commit. Excellent post. The answer is not universal and I have witnessed many people, friends and family, 'settle,' for exclusivity, eventually leading to marriage, and are therefore unhappy later down the road.
Mendalore Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 I almost wish the definition of commitment wasn't so ambiguous... For me, if I'm dating and I have a fantastic time with someone, I put my energy and time into that person. I have absolutely no desire to date other people when I see potential with someone. To some, that could be seen as already having committed. For instance, I was dating a girl for about 3 weeks, had seen her about 6-7 times and been intimate maybe 4 times. I had to go out of town on business and, as I left, she told me to wear a condom and get some strange while I was gone. I am *NOT* a one-night-stand kind of guy; I figured she was joking, etc. When I came back she almost seemed disappointed that I didn't. Weird... 1
TheBathWater Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 What makes a man decide very early on (within first 3 or 4 dates) that he wants to date a particular woman exclusively and pursue a meaningful relationship with her? Is it that he's fallen in love or is dazzled by her so quickly? Or is it that he recognises she's the best he is likely to be able to get? I've had a few situations where a guy has asked as early as the 2nd or 3rd date for us to be exclusive. They've been otherwise sane. Why so quick? It takes A LOT of work to chase women. It's exhausting, expensive, and uncertain. When I find someone who is good enough, then I go for it - not as in settling, but good enough as in not perfect but good. If she has the maturity to build a relationship with me, and I'm attracted to her, I know within a handful of dates that I want to give it a go. Additionally, you have to remember, most men do not have the kind of emotional bonds in their life that women do, because we are socialized this way (where IS this gender equality I keep hearing about?). Many men can only express this part of themselves to that one woman, whereas women can express this part of themselves to all of their girlfriends. I'm generalizing, and it's not a perfect argument, but I think it makes a lot of sense as to your 'why so quick?' question. If I were a woman and had men chasing me (even when I'm in a relationship), knew I could get laid any time that I want, had many social supports to be emotional with, and didn't have to pay my way if I chose not to, the dating dynamics could be very different.
Author JasmineJones Posted October 8, 2015 Author Posted October 8, 2015 I almost wish the definition of commitment wasn't so ambiguous... For me, if I'm dating and I have a fantastic time with someone, I put my energy and time into that person. I have absolutely no desire to date other people when I see potential with someone. To some, that could be seen as already having committed. For instance, I was dating a girl for about 3 weeks, had seen her about 6-7 times and been intimate maybe 4 times. I had to go out of town on business and, as I left, she told me to wear a condom and get some strange while I was gone. I am *NOT* a one-night-stand kind of guy; I figured she was joking, etc. When I came back she almost seemed disappointed that I didn't. Weird... That is weird. Is she a swinger?
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