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Could you love someone with a disability?


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Posted

Hi all

Yesterday I (36) went on a first date with a wonderful girl (34) that I met online. We had a great time, like the date lasted for 10h, we laught and talked a lot, it never got awkward and she even wrote a good night text first when I got home. Now, I`m suffering from Tourettes which I told her in advance. Today she wrote me back after an email from me, saying that she had a wonderful time, felt very comfortable around me and she really likes me. However she also mentioned that she doesn`t know if she could deal with my Tourette in a possible relationship, although it didn`t bother her much during our date (that`s what she wrote). Nevertheless she still is happy to go on a second date with me.

I know there is no definite answer to the question if we will get together or not. But perhaps some of you could share your thoughts about it, if I should still keep my hopes up or not. How would you decide if you were in her position?

Apart from my Tourette, we really clicked and it would just break my heart if it doesn`t work out, even though I can totally understand her worries.

 

Thanks guys

Alohay

Posted

May I ask if you could elaborate on your Tourette's? What exactly is the effect?

How does it manifest?

 

I have a great buddy who has Tourette's and she manages hers without medication because frankly, the meds make her feel 100 times worse...

 

hers manifests as jerky head movements and involuntary arm flinches....

 

She has achieved much, and has even been cleared to drive....

 

Her partner has been with her for 7 years and they're perfectly happy together...

Posted

My friend,

 

You need her perspective not ours. Seriously, she's willing to go on a 2nd date - keep in communication with her, go on the date, be yourself, and be honest about what it does to you and how you handle it. Seriously....people fall in love all the time one when one person has a disability - can't walk, blind, deaf, and more.

 

Now, I will say that people prove a lot by their actions, not by their words. I mean, I'm a pretty nice guy but I even find myself checking my actions on a daily basis to see if I need to adjust what I'm saying. If she keeps saying yes, then she may just be saying that because she doesn't know what else to say at this point. Until something happens its all just speculation and imagination

  • Like 2
Posted

she's probably willing to give you another chance b/c she (like many of us) might not know what it really is or what you'd be about, or how it'd affect the relationship. just be open with her about it if she wants to know more - as you were - great for speaking up and telling her! it's a good sign that she's willing to see you again.

  • Author
Posted

Thanks guys

 

@ TaraMaiden2: To elaborate on my Tourette. I basically do jerking movement with my arms, legs and eyes. Also got a few snoring noises when I talk. Usually I can keep it pretty good under control. Also it doesn`t limit me in anything. Like during my study I did a quite a few medical surgery tasks and I climb as well. Neither is driving a car a problem.

 

So it usually is not a too big problem for me, as I learned to live with it. Also I`m pretty open about it and don`t mind telling other people. In example during our date we talked quite a bit and very honestly about it without any of us got embarassed. Additionally she also has dealed previously with other people who were suffering from Tourettes at her job. In a way I think she don`t mind about it too much and I`m sure she is the typ of person who believes there are other more important aspects in a partnership. What confusing me is that she was writing that she is not sure if she could deal with it in a relationship even though it didn`t bother her much during our date (which I had quite severly, because I was ver nervous).

Posted

Well, I hate to put a damper on things but frankly, she's not the one now who gets to decide.

If you'll excuse me asking -

 

How would you handle a person who tells you your tourette's might be too much for them to handle?

Isn't that a bit of a deflating thing to say?

That means she's judging you and evaluating who you are, by what your disability is.

 

YOU - are not your disability.

A disability is something that accompanies you - it doesn't define who you are.

 

My friend and I worked in the same environment, and trust me, the only time her Tourette's was a problem is when the poor darling jerked her head back involuntarily, and smacked it hard against a shelf.

I injured my hand quite badly once, on the job - and she was the responsible Medical representative on Staff who treated my injury.

Did her Tourette's concern me, as she had to clean and bandage my hand?

 

It never even occurred to me at all.

I expect you're the same. When you're seriously focused on a specific task, your Tourette's decreases.

Stress, nerves and uncertain situations can make it manifest more....

 

 

Think about whether someone who states it might be a problem for them, may be a problem for you.

 

Maybe her 'dealing with people with Tourette's indicates she dealt with people who were either manifesting it excessively or aggressively.... You don't elaborate.... did she? )

I think you may need to have the chat, hun.....

  • Like 2
Posted (edited)

Yes, yes, yes! Please don't doubt yourself.

 

My brother has a tic disorder (never formally diagnosed as Tourette's because he only has motor tics) and he's had 2 long term girlfriends. It's actually pretty cute and he says nobody even mentions them anymore. He used to get picked on in school, but now that he's grown hardly anyone even cares. I can't describe his tics as they are weird movements, but they sound somewhat like yours. Good thing is that those who suffer from something like that are usually more humble, down to earth, and understanding of other people's problems.

 

So in short, yes- I could absolutely date someone with a disorder or disability. Maybe I'm a softy because of my profession as a medical provider and the fact that the my brother (who is one of my best friends) suffers from something similar, but maybe not. It's all about how they live with it, of course. If it's caused them to not be well adjusted, crazy shy, or mean then it can put up some road blocks; however, I haven't found that to be the case most of the time.

Edited by maysj18
  • Like 1
Posted
In a way I think she don`t mind about it too much and I`m sure she is the typ of person who believes there are other more important aspects in a partnership.

 

She does indeed mind, she's telling you she can't deal with it but she's putting it more softly so it doesn't sound as harsh a rejection.

 

t didn`t bother her much during our date (which I had quite severly, because I was ver nervous).

 

She ACTED like it didn't bother her but it did. She didn't leave the date and then it suddenly hit her that it bothered her, she was just acting like it didn't while she was with you. She knew you had it before but she didn't realize how bad it was. Too bad it was worse because you were nervous you should see your doc about taking a xanax beforehand which will calm you down and hopefully decrease the symptoms to something that won't turn off a girl who would otherwise like you.

 

Either way you need to work on why you're so nervous during dates. I go on dates and I'm excited but never nervous. What's that about?

  • Author
Posted

@ TaraMaiden2. I guess you are right. Although the way I got to know her, I truly think she is a very open and heartwarming person. She also works in a social type job (which she really enjoys) and deals with people who have all sorts of disability on a daily basis. She also told me that the person who has Tourettes which she looked after in her job got it much worse than I do. Maybe, because she has experience with people who have it more aggressively than I do, she just doesn't know what it`s going to be in a partnership.

 

I`ll definitely will have the talk with her on our second date and will be very honest again. Actually I would have had it already when we met first, but because it didn't bother her much at that time, she didn't say anything.

 

Thanks again for all your positive feedback guys.

Posted

I'm going to try some counter-intuitive advice, and that is to, presuming you want to, show up on the second date and enjoy the date, focusing on the interaction rather than any discussion of your disability. Either you're attractive to her, and vice versa, or not. Your disability isn't hidden; it's out there. No need to focus on it. She knows, and she works with disabled people. Dating is fun. Focus on that.

  • Like 4
Posted
@ TaraMaiden2. I guess you are right. Although the way I got to know her, I truly think she is a very open and heartwarming person. She also works in a social type job (which she really enjoys) and deals with people who have all sorts of disability on a daily basis. She also told me that the person who has Tourettes which she looked after in her job got it much worse than I do. Maybe, because she has experience with people who have it more aggressively than I do, she just doesn't know what it`s going to be in a partnership.

Ok, that's fair comment... I think if my friend had manifested a more aggressive form (I don't mean making her violent-aggressive, I mean the manifestation being more marked and exaggerated) it might have been more of a challenge to remain level and not be affected by it.

 

My brother used to have a neighbour who used to yell quite loudly, and sometimes it was a profanity. That wasn't easy to deal with in a social situation...

 

I`ll definitely will have the talk with her on our second date and will be very honest again. Actually I would have had it already when we met first, but because it didn't bother her much at that time, she didn't say anything.

I'm sure once you discuss it in more detail she will be more open to going ahead and dating. Seems like she's open to a second date, so you must have done something right!! :D

 

Thanks again for all your positive feedback guys.

 

Keep us posted!!

Posted

I have, if you count a missing leg/prosthesis as a disability. The man I loved more than I will ever love again only had one leg and wore a prosthesis. He'd lost his leg when he was young and he is quite a bit older than me. it mattered not a hill of beans to me.

  • Author
Posted

Hi all

First off, I'd like to thank everyone for their thoughts and comments. Here's a little update. Today I received another email from her, asking me if I'd like to go on a Mountain hike (which we both like to do) this sunday. l reckon this shows that she is really trying to get over her doubts and give me another chance. Or what do you guys think? Perhaps her initial worries are the result because my Tourette was stronger on our first date as she originally expected or she just don`t know exactly what to expect in a possible relationship. Even though she is educated about Tourettes. Would that make sense?

 

We will definitely talk about it and I will offer her to stand by so we can find a solution together about her doubts. Now I absolutely don't want to try convincing her with promises that I can't hold but do you guys have maybe some other good arguments as the obvious ones, that I could give her to make her feel more comfortable about the issue?

 

Thanks again

Alohaey

Posted (edited)

I think you should just relax, and agree to go on the hike.

She's opened up the opportunity for a second 'date'.

 

EDIT: I don't think she's trying to get over any doubts. I would say she doesn't have any.

If she had doubts, she wouldn't suggest such an "outgoing" date. maybe she would just suggest coffee, in a 'safe' environment.

Mountain Hike is best foot forward! Literally!

 

Leave it be, and only bring it up if she does.

 

Forgive my bluntness, but if you wish to be viewed and accepted as 'normal' (which I would strongly emphasise, you ARE) then don't think about your Tourette's as a hurdle. Don't think about it at all. If you over-think it, you'll make it worse anyway.

 

It is what it is.

Relax, enjoy and be yourself.

 

She likes you.

That's cool.

 

Just enjoy.

Edited by TaraMaiden2
  • Like 1
Posted

As someone with two disabilities, it would be hypocritical of me not to love someone with one. Of course, I've gotten good at burying mine (even a few close friends of mine are shocked to find out).

 

If she took a second date with you, she's willing to give you a shot, so go for it. Good luck.

Posted

I don't know to what extent it counts as a disability but I did love someone once who had lifetime complex partial seizures, a form of epilepsy, and held her safe more than once while she went to seizure land and kept her safe. She ended up in a relationship with the business owner she worked for and I lost touch with her after that. Still, at the time, her epilepsy wasn't a deal-breaker and she didn't dwell on it, rather only advised me what could happen. That experience was where I learned the value of, sure, disclosing, but not dwelling on the issue.

Posted

I have not personally dated someone with a disability, but I would be open to it. But I have a good friend who ended up dating someone was was paraplegic for a year, and she was open to a long term future with him. In the end he was the one who backed off.

 

I would say she really struggled the first month or so with whether she could date this guy, because paraplegia has a huge impact on their dating life. I'm not sure if she ever told him how much she struggled but I definitely know she had a lot of ups and downs. In the end she dated him because he was a great guy and he really pulled out all the stops to woo her.

 

So with that said, I would say go for it with this girl! You have a second date, try to forget about your Tourettes and focus on getting to know each other and having fun. There's plenty of time in the future for big talks about it, and you know she has some concerns, so help her work through them by showing what a great guy you are and how dating you will be.

Posted

she doesn't seem to have many doubts about it, time to back burner it and have fun....

  • Author
Posted

I reckon you guys are right about just enjoying the time with her rather than putting to much focus on my Tourette. I guess there is good chance that she will bring it up first anyway. Still I`m just worried that we going to have a great time again just to receive another mail from here the next day that she don't want to deal with it. I rather like to know and give her free in person as just by mail. Hmmm...or is that just a risk I have to take?

Posted

IMO, it comes down to choices. Do you want to spend a date talking about your disability?

 

Whatever that answer is, you're in charge of it. The results will be what they'll be. The young lady's perspective is completely outside of your control. What she does as a result of the date is similar and completely unknown.

 

Focus on the moment and feel more and think less.

  • Author
Posted

Alright, I’m taking your advice, will relax on our next date and just enjoy the time being together with this amazing girl. So I won’t start bringing up anything about her doubts over my Tourette, except she does. Btw she wrote me another email this morning right after she got back from a 2 day trip with her dad, suggesting like a 5 hour hike. After writing back very quickly that I really like her idea and where exactly we shall meet, she wrote again within an hour or two. I guess you were all right, that she really likes me and want to give me another shot. I assume that also the fact that she didn’t just suggested a meeting place in her second mal today but also ended the email with asking me what my plans are until Sunday, is as a good sign. I’m sorry if all my questions were kinda dumb, but the saying „Love makes blind“ seems to be true.

Anyway another question I have is: Since I brought her on our first date just a small flower I picked, I wanted to surprise her with something different. So I looked around and found this ladybug made out of almond paste – she told me last time that she loves almond paste and the ladybug is kind of a theme we talked a few times in our mails because she found once one crawling over her keyboard when she was writing me and asked if it will bring luck for our first meet. Additionally I painted a blushing face on it, another common theme we had during emailing. What you guys think, is this a bit over the top for a second date or ok? The last thing I want is to intimidate her.

 

Thanks again for all your help

Alohaey

Posted

Anyway another question I have is: Since I brought her on our first date just a small flower I picked, I wanted to surprise her with something different. So I looked around and found this ladybug made out of almond paste – she told me last time that she loves almond paste and the ladybug is kind of a theme we talked a few times in our mails because she found once one crawling over her keyboard when she was writing me and asked if it will bring luck for our first meet. Additionally I painted a blushing face on it, another common theme we had during emailing. What you guys think, is this a bit over the top for a second date or ok? The last thing I want is to intimidate her.

 

I think this is really sweet and thoughtful - it's not too much but just shows you have listened to her and are thinking of her.

 

If she doesn't love it, it's only because she was already feeling lukewarm to negative and the gift didn't really hurt things. If she really likes you but has concerns about the Tourettes, something like this will help push her more towards a yes. I say go for it, be all in!

  • Author
Posted

Update: Just got back from our second date, which again was long (9h) and magic. Lots of laughing, talking and never any awkward moments. Following your advice I didn`t bring up anything, just trying to show her what an amazing person she is and that I really really like her. She also appreciated deeply the ladybug almond past gift I gave her. Her exact words were: Your unbelievable and way to nice. Right at the end we then started to talk about her issues about my Tourette, which are a result that her Ex apparantly had quite a few mental issues which got to a point where it was to much for here to handle, eventhough she put a lot of energy in that relationship. And that`s basically what she is afraid off if starting a relationship with me. However she told me that she also really likes me a lot and I could feel how much she is trying to get over here issues about my Tourette. When I asked here if she likes to meet me again, she kinda was wage. Well, she said that she thinks so but also need time to think about. I told her that I give her all the time she needs. Anyway before I left her last words were that she really enjoyed our day together today. What do you guys think about all that, can I still keep my hopes up or not?

 

 

 

Now as long as there is the teenyiest spark of hope I will fight for her (I told her that and she really appreciated that). Aynway my second question is: Her birthday is next Friday and I really like to surprise her and show her again how much I like her. Therefore I thought to drive to her house (she showed me where she lives today) and place some small flowers (no roses or so) and a hand written letter on her door, wishing her a great birthday and if she likes I will always stand by and help her work through any issues. However the drive to her is about one hour one way (she knows that as well and I don’t care the drive at all). Do you think I could risk to overrun her with something like that, or not?

 

Thanks again for your help

Alohaey

  • Like 1
Posted

The present idea is really lovely. But keep the note simple. Just wish her a really happy birthday. Don't touch on support, or anything like that.

It sounds a bit too 'needy' and really, as if you're focusing on Tourette's again.

 

By NOT mentioning it at all, she will be more inclined to believe that you yourself, do not see it as an issue.

IF you mention it, she may think it will be....

 

Just wish her a lovely day, and that you're thinking of her.

 

Nothing more, just enough.

  • Author
Posted

@ TaraMaiden2

Ok, will do. So do you still think she may get over her issues?. Sorry for asking but I just can't think straight at the moment.

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