kpl Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 I think it's a mix of the confidence issue and the people pleaser issue - just a hunch from what you have said. . I bet you accept a lot of bs from guys i.e. them leaving and coming back to you. QUOTE] Two of the guys I've liked the most keep doing this to me. They disappear physically for weeks at a time but keep sending me messages. Almost like a "I don't give a **** about you-but want you to keep thinking of me" kind of deal. I don't chase guys. I have too much pride. But yea, i keep forgiving and taking guys like these back. I've been doing it since high school. i used to do that too, i get it. Once you focus on yourself even slightly you will notice a better crop of men start coming your way. I would work on boundaries and determining unacceptable / acceptable behavior first then focus on building up your own confidence by doing things you enjoy and make you feel good or like you. If you are used to pleasing it others it might take a while to really find what you enjoy and love but then that means you can start by doing lots of things! It will all work out.
Versacehottie Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 yes, what kpl said is right! i would like her/his post but my like button isn't working on this thread for some reason and same with many others that have given good advice. You can do it, OP
Author JiltedJane Posted October 7, 2015 Author Posted October 7, 2015 How do I let the one guy know what i want without sounding like a bitch? guy #1 i told to leave me alone after a year of his flaking and not wanting to be in a relationship with me but not wanting me to date others. He still texts to "be friends" but i ignore the messages. Guy #2 we see eachother sporadically and never text inbetween. We both have ****ed up schedules though which is the excuse i've been telling myself. I'm 75% sure he wants to keep it casual and i'm not emotionally invested enough that i'd be heartbroken if we never saw eachother again. However, I want to at least see if there could be a chance. I want to tell him i want a relationship and more contact or I'm out. I just don't know how to go about it without sounding like I'm psychotic or giving an ultimatum.
kpl Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 How do I let the one guy know what i want without sounding like a bitch? guy #1 i told to leave me alone after a year of his flaking and not wanting to be in a relationship with me but not wanting me to date others. He still texts to "be friends" but i ignore the messages. Guy #2 we see eachother sporadically and never text inbetween. We both have ****ed up schedules though which is the excuse i've been telling myself. I'm 75% sure he wants to keep it casual and i'm not emotionally invested enough that i'd be heartbroken if we never saw eachother again. However, I want to at least see if there could be a chance. I want to tell him i want a relationship and more contact or I'm out. I just don't know how to go about it without sounding like I'm psychotic or giving an ultimatum. Guy #1 perfect don't respond Guy #2 Don't bother have a talk if he wanted something more he would. Set your boundary with only dating ppl who are crazy about you.
bettermistakes Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 You need to learn to spot the red flags early and have a action plan of how/when to act. You have to stop accepting and tolerating this kind of behavior from men. You'll weed out the bad ones a lot faster so you can go on to meet some good ones. in order to do that, to stop accepting that behavior, you have to know -all the way to your bones - that you deserve to be treated well. That you're worthy of love (or whatever it is you're after). Until you know it on every level of your being, you'll probably stuggle a bit. 1
smackie9 Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 I'm not sitting around though. There have been periods when I just haven't had the time nor wanted to date so I back away from it. However, the times I've been putting myself out there it's a total crap shoot. What really gets me mad is the guys I like the most keep messing with my head. They don't necessarily ghost or flake....they want me to commit with them commiting to me. Just when I think they're gone they randomly pop back in. A few of my friends said I'm intimidating. Specifically one person said" you're gorgeous and successful, but still have an amazing personality. That's terrifying." If you are able to lure them in at first, then you need to figure out why you are not holding their interest. Don't blame them for pulling away, they are reacting to your behavior/personality. If you can't figure it out, seek out the truth with one of these guys when they get back in touch with you.
Author JiltedJane Posted October 7, 2015 Author Posted October 7, 2015 If you are able to lure them in at first, then you need to figure out why you are not holding their interest. Don't blame them for pulling away, they are reacting to your behavior/personality. If you can't figure it out, seek out the truth with one of these guys when they get back in touch with you. guy #1- says he has commitment issues, but he just feels so comfortable around me. "why can't we just keep it casual?" guy #2- is musician and from what i've been told they live in their own world. i haven't flat out asked him where we're headed but he's mentioned several times that "hes still getting to know me" and trying to figure me out. The kicker with both these guys, and a third who i also really liked is that they're all "totally stressed out" with their jobs and have too much "anxiety to hang out"
stillafool Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 I'm 30 (almost 31) years old. I have a great career, I'm intelligent, i have interesting hobbies, I travel, I have a ton of friends, I'm constantly being told how nice I am ( have been called "too nice" even), I'm in good shape, constantly being told how pretty I am (I personally think I'm hideous, but strangers tell me all the time). My friends and family all come to me with their problems because they know I'm responsible, rational, and will drop everything to help them. I have my **** together!!!! Obviously I look good on paper, so how come I'm still single after almost 2 years? Is this normal? Is it healthy? Some of it is my fault because I take breaks when things don't work out or I act like a doormat. But still, I feel there must be something I'm doing or not doing thats making me unattractive to men-even the ones who want me initially. I'd appreciate advice from guys in this department. Why don't you ask your friends to introduce you to someone?
Author JiltedJane Posted October 7, 2015 Author Posted October 7, 2015 Why don't you ask your friends to introduce you to someone? they're either not my type and vice versa, or they don't want to set me up with them because they wouldn't be good relationship material. good as a friend not a bf.
kismetkismet Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 I think the main thing to focus on here, is to start doing things for yourself. Don't act a certain way because you think that it will please people, if people treat you in a way you don't like then tell them so, if they continue then don't keep them around, period. You can't just be nice enough to someone and then they will change their behaviour. If you figure out what YOU want and who YOU are it will be easier to find the guys that suit your needs. A) you will know what your needs and boundaries are better B) people that know themselves and assert that self are more interesting than people who just mould themselves around you.
h0000 Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 If you are able to lure them in at first, then you need to figure out why you are not holding their interest. Don't blame them for pulling away, they are reacting to your behavior/personality.. Hmmm what do you count as "lure them in"? I mean , I heard that if a guy was only after casual he wouldn't set his bar too high. Not as high as seeking a gf. So if that's the case you can't really say she can lure them in? Two possibilities in OP's scenario: The guy is thinking "she's not that great but I can keep her for casual fun", or, "Thought she might be the one,too bad we aren't that compatible "
Oli. Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 Maybe there's something that's making guys not consider you girlfriend material. Are you flirty with other guys? Any ex boyfriend's in the picture? Lots of guy friends? Excessive partying?
Author JiltedJane Posted October 9, 2015 Author Posted October 9, 2015 Maybe there's something that's making guys not consider you girlfriend material. Are you flirty with other guys? Any ex boyfriend's in the picture? Lots of guy friends? Excessive partying? not flirty with other guys. no ex bfs that im in contact with. some guys friends, mostly female ones, moderate amount of partying.
neowulf Posted October 9, 2015 Posted October 9, 2015 How much thought have you really given to the kind of relationship you're seeking? What would it look like? What would be the essential quality of that relationship? What kinds of qualities would a man have to possess, in order for you to both share that kind of relationship? The more you can understand what you *want* the more you can target yourself to attract those kinds of people into your life. For example, if you wanted a kind and generous man, you might want to try volunteering or joining a fund raiser. If you wanted a devout, religious type, you'd look at church. Chasing a geeky guy? Board game nights. You get the picture. Figure out what kind of person you want, then go put yourself in their path.
Author JiltedJane Posted October 9, 2015 Author Posted October 9, 2015 How much thought have you really given to the kind of relationship you're seeking? What would it look like? What would be the essential quality of that relationship? What kinds of qualities would a man have to possess, in order for you to both share that kind of relationship? The more you can understand what you *want* the more you can target yourself to attract those kinds of people into your life. For example, if you wanted a kind and generous man, you might want to try volunteering or joining a fund raiser. If you wanted a devout, religious type, you'd look at church. Chasing a geeky guy? Board game nights. You get the picture. Figure out what kind of person you want, then go put yourself in their path. i have a sick weakness for creative, intelligent, bad boys
neowulf Posted October 12, 2015 Posted October 12, 2015 i have a sick weakness for creative, intelligent, bad boys Creative and Intelligent, sure. That last one is going to make having any kind of lasting relationship very, very challenging for you. You may be turned on by the fantasy of the "bad boy", but ask yourself if they're really the kind of man to give you want you ultimately want. Never respecting you? Treating you like an option? Not interested in commitment? Always on the hunt to "trade up". Just a thought.
neowulf Posted October 12, 2015 Posted October 12, 2015 Take a read. Should explain your situation in a bit more detail; https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200901/neanderthink-the-appeal-the-bad-boy
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