JiltedJane Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 I'm 30 (almost 31) years old. I have a great career, I'm intelligent, i have interesting hobbies, I travel, I have a ton of friends, I'm constantly being told how nice I am ( have been called "too nice" even), I'm in good shape, constantly being told how pretty I am (I personally think I'm hideous, but strangers tell me all the time). My friends and family all come to me with their problems because they know I'm responsible, rational, and will drop everything to help them. I have my **** together!!!! Obviously I look good on paper, so how come I'm still single after almost 2 years? Is this normal? Is it healthy? Some of it is my fault because I take breaks when things don't work out or I act like a doormat. But still, I feel there must be something I'm doing or not doing thats making me unattractive to men-even the ones who want me initially. I'd appreciate advice from guys in this department. 1
smackie9 Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 It's simple, you can't sit around and "wait" for a guy to interact with you.....you need to put yourself out there, flirt, tease, be sexy with class. Guys love a woman that is confidently sexy, and isn't afraid to show interest. So many complain that too many women sit on their tuffet expecting the guy to do all the approaching and seducing. 6
Oregon_Dude Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 I personally think I'm hideous, but strangers tell me all the timeYou have a very negative self image. This likely affects how you interact with others. Until you really believe in yourself, your looks, your life... others will sense your discomfort with self, and stay away. 7
GunslingerRoland Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 3 most likely possibilities. 1) Lack of confidence. If you think you look hideous that must show through. 2) I don't know how to say this nicely, but maybe you are "hideous" , you may need some objectives opinions on your looks, because every one has been told they are beautiful or handsome at some point in their life... many just aren't. 3) Have you ever heard someone talk about how they are a real jerk/bitch and they can't get a date? People will blame their looks, their city, other people, astrology, whatever they want. Everyone thinks they are nice. Fact is many people are only tolerable in small doses which makes them hard to date. Again I'm not trying to be mean, I don't know you. But there are a lot of people who suck to be around, who think they are great.
Author JiltedJane Posted October 6, 2015 Author Posted October 6, 2015 I'm not sitting around though. There have been periods when I just haven't had the time nor wanted to date so I back away from it. However, the times I've been putting myself out there it's a total crap shoot. What really gets me mad is the guys I like the most keep messing with my head. They don't necessarily ghost or flake....they want me to commit with them commiting to me. Just when I think they're gone they randomly pop back in. A few of my friends said I'm intimidating. Specifically one person said" you're gorgeous and successful, but still have an amazing personality. That's terrifying." 1
No_Go Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 From the written: - you're "too nice" - people can translate this as people pleaser, not standing your opinions, permissive. - you think you're hideous - low self esteem SHOWS; you can be 10/10 (haha, the scale that people in LS use), if you perceive yourself as ugly, your beauty will get unnoticed to others. From what is not written: -probably you don't date enough or have a bad picker. I'm your age precisely, and I have my complexes too. Sure when I MENTION them to people, they start avoiding me. Else they'd never ask, never know that I'm insecure (e.g. my biggest insecurity is my age and I feel unaccomplished for my age, despite that I have great credentials on paper). Dating: for me OLD did wonders. I met 9 guys in total (over ~2 years), 2 have had relationships with, I rejected 3 of them, 2 rejected me, and 2 we were both not interested. So from my statistics, >20% of dates turn into relationships, and >50% could have turned into relationships. Just meet more people I'm 30 (almost 31) years old. I have a great career, I'm intelligent, i have interesting hobbies, I travel, I have a ton of friends, I'm constantly being told how nice I am ( have been called "too nice" even), I'm in good shape, constantly being told how pretty I am (I personally think I'm hideous, but strangers tell me all the time). My friends and family all come to me with their problems because they know I'm responsible, rational, and will drop everything to help them. I have my **** together!!!! Obviously I look good on paper, so how come I'm still single after almost 2 years? Is this normal? Is it healthy? Some of it is my fault because I take breaks when things don't work out or I act like a doormat. But still, I feel there must be something I'm doing or not doing thats making me unattractive to men-even the ones who want me initially. I'd appreciate advice from guys in this department.
Author JiltedJane Posted October 6, 2015 Author Posted October 6, 2015 3 most likely possibilities. 1) Lack of confidence. If you think you look hideous that must show through. 2) I don't know how to say this nicely, but maybe you are "hideous" , you may need some objectives opinions on your looks, because every one has been told they are beautiful or handsome at some point in their life... many just aren't. 3) Have you ever heard someone talk about how they are a real jerk/bitch and they can't get a date? People will blame their looks, their city, other people, astrology, whatever they want. Everyone thinks they are nice. Fact is many people are only tolerable in small doses which makes them hard to date. Again I'm not trying to be mean, I don't know you. But there are a lot of people who suck to be around, who think they are great. I have people asking me to hangout all the time. I meet people everywhere I go and they're constantly making plans with me. I don't think I'm some sort of extraordinarily awesome person, but I can't be that intolerable of a person if others want to be my friend. Believe me, I have several flaws. I'm as far from perfect as you can get. Being easily hated isn't one of them.
GunslingerRoland Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 One thing I learned back in school and it holds true today is that popular and likeable aren't as well correlated as you may think... but you don't need to take offense. I know nothing about your personality, you may be as loveable as you say you are... my point is that I've never EVER had someone tell me how unlikeable they are, no matter how unlikeable they are.
newmoon Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 I'm not sitting around though. There have been periods when I just haven't had the time nor wanted to date so I back away from it. However, the times I've been putting myself out there it's a total crap shoot. What really gets me mad is the guys I like the most keep messing with my head. They don't necessarily ghost or flake....they want me to commit with them commiting to me. Just when I think they're gone they randomly pop back in. A few of my friends said I'm intimidating. Specifically one person said" you're gorgeous and successful, but still have an amazing personality. That's terrifying." i don't think there is such a thing as intimidating in dating. you're only intimidating to someone when they cannot meet or match your expectations, or do not believe they can. that statement is about them more than you. if you are meeting men who call you intimidating, or see you as such, then you're probably aiming too 'low' and not looking in a better social circle for dates, or with men who can offer the same qualities you say you have. you might want to also concentrate on the things that make you feminine and not put emphasis on your job and qualifications and that you're so put together - a guy wants to meet a woman who is still open to having him be needed, and you might not be putting a 'softer' side of yourself out there. you might be so put together that a guy wonders what he can offer.
Author JiltedJane Posted October 6, 2015 Author Posted October 6, 2015 i don't think there is such a thing as intimidating in dating. you're only intimidating to someone when they cannot meet or match your expectations, or do not believe they can. that statement is about them more than you. if you are meeting men who call you intimidating, or see you as such, then you're probably aiming too 'low' and not looking in a better social circle for dates, or with men who can offer the same qualities you say you have. you might want to also concentrate on the things that make you feminine and not put emphasis on your job and qualifications and that you're so put together - a guy wants to meet a woman who is still open to having him be needed, and you might not be putting a 'softer' side of yourself out there. you might be so put together that a guy wonders what he can offer. In my original post, I'm just stating the facts. I'm not trying to brag or look showy. When I'm on dates, I act more modest and try to act more confident. I try to keep it cool and casual and let my successes come up naturally. If anything, alot of the guys I meet talk about themselves mostly...and I let them because I don't want to seem rude or like I'm trying to "one up" them. It's hard being yourself, lol.
leafguy Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 In my original post, I'm just stating the facts. I'm not trying to brag or look showy. When I'm on dates, I act more modest and try to act more confident. I try to keep it cool and casual and let my successes come up naturally. If anything, alot of the guys I meet talk about themselves mostly...and I let them because I don't want to seem rude or like I'm trying to "one up" them. It's hard being yourself, lol. That's just it though...it isn't hard being yourself. By all standards, I am a pretty average guy. I have a decent job, alot of hobbies, further pursuing my education,lots of friends, play alot of sports. I am not living the high life by any means, but nor am I living a life of a hermit or bum. Difference is I know what I am and I don't pretend to be anything I am not. I also know that I have a genuinely great personality that is my best attribute. By the sounds of it, confidence sounds like a bit of an issue. If a girl doesn't talk about herself much on a date, I assume she either isn't interested or she feels like she is inferior. A date has to be equal conversation and if you are letting guys talk more than a fair share, you need to speak up and assert yourself. Again, this sounds like a classic case of low self esteem / self worth / confidence. Just my 2 cents.
xcupid Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 You've given us no information about your past relationships - length of them, why men break up withyou or how your relationships are ending, and what types of men you're attracting. That might shed some light on things. 1
thecrucible Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 I know how you feel. I hear all those things from people in your original post. But I've been single (as in no serious relationship) for 4 years! I can't believe it has been 4 years. I think being single makes you more acutely aware of your flaws because if you feel down about something, you often have to soothe yourself. But I would say don't go down the mental path of thinking there is something wrong with you as that just brings despair and everything goes downhill. Trust me as I have been through that. I think the main quality that draws people in is openness to interaction, being approachable and lighthearted. I don't know... being open is hard for me and people have called me intimidating before and I think that's the reason. Also I sometimes struggle with sharing parts of myself as trust issues affect me and I try and be self-sufficient. Therefore guys feel like they can't do anything for me. While deep down I long for a loving and caring guy who makes me feel good about myself, I'm busy trying to seem like I don't miss a trick and don't need any kind of reassurance. I was in an abusive relationship in the past and I just don't want any guy to think of me as inferior. Sorry this thread isn't about me. Do any of these feelings resonate with you at all?
GingerVixen Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 I'm 30 (almost 31) years old. I have a great career, I'm intelligent, i have interesting hobbies, I travel, I have a ton of friends, I'm constantly being told how nice I am ( have been called "too nice" even), I'm in good shape, constantly being told how pretty I am (I personally think I'm hideous, but strangers tell me all the time). My friends and family all come to me with their problems because they know I'm responsible, rational, and will drop everything to help them. I have my **** together!!!! Obviously I look good on paper, so how come I'm still single after almost 2 years? Is this normal? Is it healthy? Some of it is my fault because I take breaks when things don't work out or I act like a doormat. But still, I feel there must be something I'm doing or not doing thats making me unattractive to men-even the ones who want me initially. I'd appreciate advice from guys in this department. I have highlighted the problem for you. You're not self confident. Confidence is something you either have or not. People can see when you don't love yourself. And low self esteem affects your body language, your voice tone, your attitudes. It makes you less attractive and less approachable. In order to be loved, learn to love yourself first. 1
Stage5Clinger Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 Is this normal? God, yes. It's perfectly normal. Don't settle and don't be afraid to ask someone out. You sound like a great catch. It takes time for things to line-up just right. I could have a girlfriend tomorrow - but she wouldn't have anything I'm looking for. Instead, I'm going to wait for someone who IS going to workout and not get in the way if someone perfect comes along.
kismetkismet Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 It sounds a bit to me like you are a little bit too much of a people pleaser for some? I don't know you at all obviously, but it sounds like a lot of your behaviour is driven by how you want others to perceive you, and by what other people need, and you don't take up any space yourself. It isn't impolite to know and assert yourself and to do things for yourself. Don't let boys do all the talking, let them get to know you rather than just having 'nice' as your personality. People that have nice as their personality are certainly likeable! But if a large part of your personality is built out of how you accommodate other people, then there's not much for them to hold onto and get to know.. It's difficult to explain. Basically.. stop trying so hard to please other people. Figure out what you want, what you think, what you feel, and go about doing those things and getting those things. You can still be nice, but don't let that be all you are. 1
Ami1uwant Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 I have people asking me to hangout all the time. I meet people everywhere I go and they're constantly making plans with me. I don't think I'm some sort of extraordinarily awesome person, but I can't be that intolerable of a person if others want to be my friend. Believe me, I have several flaws. I'm as far from perfect as you can get. Being easily hated isn't one of them. What make you imperfect???.
cookiemonster26 Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 I'm 30 (almost 31) years old. I have a great career, I'm intelligent, i have interesting hobbies, I travel, I have a ton of friends, I'm constantly being told how nice I am ( have been called "too nice" even), I'm in good shape, constantly being told how pretty I am (I personally think I'm hideous, but strangers tell me all the time). My friends and family all come to me with their problems because they know I'm responsible, rational, and will drop everything to help them. I have my **** together!!!! Obviously I look good on paper, so how come I'm still single after almost 2 years? Is this normal? Is it healthy? Some of it is my fault because I take breaks when things don't work out or I act like a doormat. But still, I feel there must be something I'm doing or not doing thats making me unattractive to men-even the ones who want me initially. I'd appreciate advice from guys in this department. I think it's definately confidence. Whenever I meet super insecure guys I am turned off pretty quickly. I guess people don't want to spend a relationship validating someone so they seek out more confident people
h0000 Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 What's wrong is you are going after the wrong guy.
Author JiltedJane Posted October 6, 2015 Author Posted October 6, 2015 You've given us no information about your past relationships - length of them, why men break up withyou or how your relationships are ending, and what types of men you're attracting. That might shed some light on things. my longest relationship was five years. we broke up because he wanted to marry a russian girl. not an american girl. Even though we were madly in love and a few months ago told me he was still in love with me, he knew he never would because we aren't of the same background. for the record- i'm over him. the last guy, was a 2.5 yr relationship. he abused me in every way possible. you name it he did it to me. stalked me afterwards too. definitely over this guy. a little traumatized but no feelings what so ever.
Buddhist Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 I'd appreciate advice from guys in this department. 2yrs isn't very long to be single. Did you really expect to be in constant relationships your whole life? Sometimes this is just life, accept it.
kpl Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 I think it's a mix of the confidence issue and the people pleaser issue - just a hunch from what you have said. Any time anyone sees their lack of dates as an indicator something is wrong with them is a red flag. There is self awareness that is key but that is very different than what you are doing here. You figure something must be wrong b/c you probably consider yourself flawed. I bet you accept a lot of bs from guys i.e. them leaving and coming back to you. I also don't think 2 years is a long time to be single. I wish I had taken that time to be single b/c it took me a lot longer to deal with my own issues. Confidence won't come over night and learning to not deal with bs won't either. Continue focusing on yourself and being the best you the dates will come.
Author JiltedJane Posted October 7, 2015 Author Posted October 7, 2015 I think it's a mix of the confidence issue and the people pleaser issue - just a hunch from what you have said. . I bet you accept a lot of bs from guys i.e. them leaving and coming back to you. QUOTE] Two of the guys I've liked the most keep doing this to me. They disappear physically for weeks at a time but keep sending me messages. Almost like a "I don't give a **** about you-but want you to keep thinking of me" kind of deal. I don't chase guys. I have too much pride. But yea, i keep forgiving and taking guys like these back. I've been doing it since high school.
Versacehottie Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 I echo what Oregon Dude said: if you don't have more confidence about yourself, it will affect how you interact with people. You can think you are hiding it but not really true. If you think at all that you are a doormat, my guess is that you are probably being taken for granted more than you can even imagine. Doormats tend to have an extremely high tolerance for this to the point that they don't even notice that much that they are being taken for granted. "Too nice" is another version of the same thing. People don't fall in love with that. Because you have to love yourself first and believe you have something to offer MORE THAN ON PAPER. You actions and probably your body language and verbal language are telling those around you that you don't feel like you are good enough. That won't attract you a guy or a good relationship. Work on it. You can do it while you are dating. There's no better way to practice this than in the relationships you are having (if you are not debilitating compromised which you don't sound like you are). And then finally it's a very practical thing of putting yourself out there and making sure you FLIRT. It's kind of shocking how many girls don't. Good luck and happy to help along the way. 1
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