Broke up because he masturbated while thinking I was sleeping....

[BelleSkye]

It has been a long and complicated road in terms of sex...after many talks and years on bonding, he still did it....jerking off while I was sleeping. When he knows why I am upset (he has turned me down several times in the past) he just says, its his body and can play with himself. I dont mind if im not around but it has been happening more and more. Anyway, he took all his things today and I need to move out.....I feel embarassed and defeated. Any thoughts?

[PaperCrane]

Well, it is his body and he can do what he likes with it. Also, he isn't required to sleep with you whenever you want. Men aren't machines that pop out sex on demand.

 

It's good you two broke up though, the sexual differences seem too high from what little I can gather.

[Tobin]

I think you're very unreasonable to be so upset about him jacking off.

 

Unless he rejects you for sex very often and that doesn't sound like the situation at all.

 

Then again we all have our dealbreakers, if you can't handle the jerking off and he can't handle you not handling his jerking off, the breakup is for the best.

 

But again I can think of worse problems, much worse.

[BelleSkye]

Fair enough. Just sad that whenever he wanted to do it (and I was not in the mood), i always made the effort to be with him. But you right. Its just scary for me to accept.

[central]

You're both right. It is his body and he can do what he wants with it. However, he is also in a relationship, and if the relationship is suffering because he is not paying sexual attention to you when you are willing and available (not that he has to all the time), that is a problem.

 

If you're sleeping, do you want him to wake you for sex? And how much effort would he then have to put in versus a quick release he does for himself. Maybe the timing is off due to your schedules or levels of desire. It's complicated, of course, but in a relationship both need to make an effort - and sometimes sacrifices - for the sake of their partner and the health of the relationship.

[lchf]

Hi fellow South African.

 

What is the main issue here? The fact he jerks off while you are asleep? Or that he turned you down in favour of jerking off and that it's easier to do it while you sleep? Personally I don't see the issue if it's the former. If he doesn't go to bed at the same time as you then what's a guy to do?

 

Doesn't sound like you too are compatitble sexually though, that I will agree with.

[RecentChange]

Care to clarify why this was a deal breaker? (I have this habbit but I am a female!)

 

Are you two not having sex?

 

Was he supposed to go to another room? Not masterbate at all?

[BelleSkye]

Hey guys (including fellow south African

 

Problem is, with other exs I never had a problem with them jerking off (turns me on actually) or watching porn but this particular guy, gosh, im very attracted to him. So always in the mood to do stuff (im using a touch screen tablet so using the easiest words here). However, if I ever tried to join him while he was playing around he will act as if he is sleeping, turn around, and probably wait for me to fall asleep again. This time round he was wide awake. I was there. I so wanted to do it the night before but knew he had an early morning(he had to use my car to get to his work) and was scared of being rejected (the rejection is very subtle nowadays), so I mustered up all my might and just went to sleep. Only to wake up because of the bed shaking. He didnt fight for me. Its 5 years for the both of us. Things were really good everyday wise, but I dont feel attractive, and depressed about it.

[Lilac Love]

Do you feel he prefers masturbation and would rather avoid making love? Is this the reason you feel unattractive?

[Shock148]

Stupid reason to break up with him but to each its own. Have you had talks with him about how you don't feel attractive because he doesn't want to have sex with you when you want him to? There's a lot of factors that can go into this.

[BelleSkye]

Many many talks, crying nights etc Shock148. First it was porn, turning me down etc. It did get better but this time round, I sort of gave up. He has woken me up from deep sleep before so we can do it but always on his terms, never mine. I love him and really tried hard to forgive and forget all the past hurts but maybe its better this way. I cant seem to act myself and be open with him (sexually) in case I get rejected again. he did say I am his soul mate....just wish I could have been more attractive that he continuously desired me.

[StocksnBlondes]

Just for clarification ...what if you had jumped on top of him after you woke up?

 

Is it always on his terms? Even if you joined him after you woke up?

 

Maybe do things to spice up your sex life.

 

I don't know if I'd give up over this. 10 years and a few kids from now ...believe me you'll both be trying to fit it in a few times a month

[BelleSkye]

Thats the thing, no kids, jobs are OK, we get along fab, got a wonderful dog (german shepherd puppy which made us closer).... just when it comes to sex, long painful past behind us. I am super jealous only in the sense that in the past he never made me first, I had to crawl through many difficult patches for him to realise im worth it. But the mistrust is there. There has been a few nights when he initiated and the moment I start feeling him up, he turns around to sleep on his tummy, and just avoiding intimacy in general. Just saying it did get better, but this last fight, think we both know the talks are done and dusted. My anger is about to come into physical boutd as well. I want to slap him out of frustration. Its not worth it when it gets there. The most he could have done was hold me and involved me, but I felt rather....unwanted, like I was disturbing his fantasy of someone else. Just sucks

[Simon Phoenix]

Getting mad at a guy for jerking off is pretty unreasonable. It's not a slap at you -- sometimes it feels good to do some self-servicing from time to time. It's more about general maintenance than it is some "fantasy".

 

If there are other issues, that's fine, but getting mad at a guy for jerking off is like getting mad at him for breathing. And, if you are like most women I know, waking you up to have sex isn't something that will be well-received. Usually when women are sleeping, they have no interest in sexy time.

[lchf]

It sounds like there are some deeper issues here besides him just servicing himself to fulfill maintenance requirements.

 

What are the nature of your conversations on the issues? How does he approach your concerns? Is he receptive or does it turn into a screaming match?

[BelleSkye]

Simon Phoenix, what you assume about me could not be further from the truth. When Im in deep sleep, and he wakes me up, I definitely join in (even when I have a headache!). I battle to sleep as well afterwards but I never did complain because if it was one good moment to live out with each other, Im not going to deny it. Its just that he is jerking off on his own more often, especially when Im right there. As the one poster said, each to his own. I never treated him badly and unfortunately, the lack of opportunity to be myself in a sexual manner is actually what has caused this break up. If I didnt feel scared in joining in, or started playing with myself (and I used to do that with other partners...). Just really upsetting that the one guy I tried most with, had the ability to make me feel ashamed of myself.

 

But you guys are right, its not worth it to break up over, but if it is a repeated scenario, fight scene, Im just going to throw the towel in.

[BelleSkye]

It sounds like there are some deeper issues here besides him just servicing himself to fulfill maintenance requirements.

 

What are the nature of your conversations on the issues? How does he approach your concerns? Is he receptive or does it turn into a screaming match?

 

Used to be 4, 5 hours of screaming matches (and im like, if we just did it it would have been done in 20min or so. What we could have been bonding over we instead made them into painful memories. Almost to the point I have anxiety attacks about the fight going to start.

 

Ironically, for a change, last night he was actually trying to hold me and 'talk to me' about it but there was ulterior motives, he needed my car to get to work in the morning, he knew he was fantisizing about someone else besides me (so the guilt was there), and thd dog loves me more than him so he tries to buy my time out during the day so he can spend more alone time with the dog(I actually dont mind this third point as I want the dog to like him as well).

[mightycpa]

I'm noticing a very indirect way of communicating the problem, as if we are to read between the lines somehow and figure it out. As best as I can decipher:

 

 

• You both have sex when he wants to have sex, but not when you do.
  
• You used to ask for sex, but got rejected (by body language?) on a regular basis.
  
• This has happened so often that you don't even ask anymore.
  
• When he jerks off, you instinctively interpret that as yet another rejection.
  
• Basically, you'd prefer that he bangs you regularly rather than jerk off regularly, but it is the other way around.
  
• Your thought process leads you to the conclusion that he's just not attracted to you sexually, and I suppose that you figure it's going to get worse, not better.
  

Is that pretty much it?

 

 

Can't say I disagree.

[BelleSkye]

Spot on mightycpa.

 

you have actually echoed all my past reasonings to him. Im very hurt right now, cant stop crying and hate that Im THAT woman who actually would dread a fight because it meant sex was off the table until he felt better. No such thing as make up sex ever....

 

I never wish for any of you to experience what I am going through now. So much essier to not give a damn when you feel nothing, but after feeling everything and investing so much into the relationship, I dont know what to believe in anymore.

[quattrob]

Used to be 4, 5 hours of screaming matches (and im like, if we just did it it would have been done in 20min or so. What we could have been bonding over we instead made them into painful memories. Almost to the point I have anxiety attacks about the fight going to start.

 

Ironically, for a change, last night he was actually trying to hold me and 'talk to me' about it but there was ulterior motives, he needed my car to get to work in the morning, he knew he was fantisizing about someone else besides me (so the guilt was there), and thd dog loves me more than him so he tries to buy my time out during the day so he can spend more alone time with the dog(I actually dont mind this third point as I want the dog to like him as well).

 

 

Seems like this guy isn't right for you.. nevermind the reasons why. You guys just don't seem compatible with each other, sorry to say. Communication and understanding is important in any relationship and that's obviously lacking in yours.

[BelleSkye]

You are right quattrob. Just a bitter truth pill to swallow there....urg, now the nightmare process of getting over him...help ;(

[chapter44]

I don't disagree with what most of you have said. I do feel as if a couples sex life is indicative of the overall health of their relationship. If he is rejecting you and it is affecting how you feel about yourself then there must be something to that.

 

 

If you have offered to join in and let him know you are available to him that should be more than enough. If he wanted to jerk off at least have the decency to not wake you by going into a different room!

 

 

I think there are deeper issues within your relationship.

[BelleSkye]

I agree that there are deeper issues with the relationship. Both of us are not trying to fix things now and Im looking at the possibility of moving overseas next month. Im paranoid about starting from scratch again but its the only way forward.