eyeam Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 (edited) Hey Guys Long story.. so I'll keep it brief. I met my last GF a couple of years ago. We were together a year. She is beautiful, smart and funny. Although a little blunt and rude at times (this she admitted was because she was massively insecure) She was 26 and I was 37. The age difference was never an issue.. However, after our initial dates went REALLY well.. she confessed to me that she was Catholic (ie: no sex before marriage) This obviously through me... haha.. and i was a little pissed off that she hadn't told me sooner. so I had some serious thinking to do!! she'd also never had a "proper" boyfriend before. Now I liked this lady alot, and we had chemistry (like I'd never felt before) and sexual attraction. She told me she felt the same way. So, I thought **** it (my friends all told me to bail) Things, progressed really well. We were really in love with each other.. the physical stuff got to a point where we were doing most things except having actual penetrative sex. Because being the man and being respectful of her beliefs I HAD to do this... even though we were crazy all over each other most of the time. The problems seemed to be (amongst others!!) That her catholic friends and priests would constantly try and pull us apart (because I was religious) This pained her. Also, she was massively insecure about herself (that i would leave etc) and had Daddy issues and a strained on/off relationship with her mum. She was very naive. Also she admtted she had commitment issues. But we were really close and I was super i love with her. We split once after a few months over nothing ..(because she was scared) and then regretted it and came back to me (and was now seeking therapy) After this things were great. Therapy really helped. We just had this intangible chemistry.. could finish each others sentences. We talked about marriage and I'd never felt like this about anyone before. Almost a year in and things were good still.. although I'd still get the push/pull thing. I was thinking seriously of asking her to marry me at that point. Then a "friend" of hers an older guy - she knew that used to come into the coffee shop she worked started telling her he'd coach her to find a better job. He was a recovering alcoholic and a little UN-hinged. When I met him - I could sense the competitive jealously coming off him. It was obvious he was trying to get into her pants and because she is so naive.. she couldn't see it. I said nothing initially tho. This went on awhile and I was ok about it because I trusted her. But, then I noticed he was texting her every day and she seemed to like making me feel jealous about it. So I called her on it and told her "she was unintentionally leading him on.. and it would end badly".. ie: me cleaning up the mess. Which had happened before.. with her best friend!! This led to a argument, where we were both screaming. I KNEW i over reacted and I apologized, But she couldn't get past it and it went down hill from there... I just couldn't talk to her and she became a total bitch of a month or so. I told her she was being unfair and wouldn't put up with her being mean and cold. so we spit (her choice) but I agreed to it. I knew I had to go NC. but she kept texting me. I eventually asked her to stop. She did, but became really angry about it "fine .. have a nice life etc" 5 months passed and I was ****ing heartbroken.. I dated around but still couldn't get over it. I really worked on myself. Eventually I reached out on her Birthday and she was over the moon to hear from me.. and she really pushed to see me again. we did.. and it was amazing she was all over me, happy.. we spent 3 days together, she even had a day off work to spend with me?? This where it gets Bizarre.. when she was at my place, and I went to work that day (i was on cloud 9 btw) she went through me computer history, drawers, bathroom. everything. Found porn on my history .. and called me on it. Not that I cared. When I got back, she was all over me again and said "don't you want to ask me to marry you?" To which I replied "don't you think we should take it slow again first?" She laughed coldly and said "You'd be lucky to marry me" ?? She said the reason she wanted to see me again was "because you once meant so much to me and I was really in love with you" what does that even mean??? I never once mentioned getting back together ... just taking it slow. She also said "You forced me to break up with you... because YOU wouldn't do it!!! then through me away like trash" which wasn't the case at all!! Which I told her. After that .. she'd cry and say "we can't get back together.. we've already had 2 horrible break ups" She then went from loving to ... complete cold bitch?? WHY spend that time with me if she had no intention of doing so?? She continued to text me sweet things after that.. so, i just thought she was confused?? or playing games? When I called her to ask her out on the Friday, she refused and said ... "look, I was confused. I'm still really, really attracted to you you're beautiful and I'll always love you... but if we keep seeing each other I KNOW we'll get back together because I can't resist you and I don't trust that you won't hurt me again" and "I'm not going through that break-up again" and "you'll always be special to me ... you're my first boyfriend etc etc" crying then cold as ice again. I tried to convince her otherwise - but pointless.. So that was that... I told her to leave me be then or she'd just keep stringing me along. I didn't contact her after that. It seemed she was doing it for all the wrong reasons? That was almost a year ago. I 'd see her several times, She'd hang around my area (which was weird? seemed deliberate) Only across the road and stuff.. It broke my heart every ****ing time.. I've dated many other women this last year and I've had some great times and met some great people, one night stands and all that... some horrible.. haha. I'm a good looking guy and never had a problem in that area. But, NO ONE has come close.. I just feel like she was the one you know... my muse. The only woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I Figured she'd go away - date other guys and ****ing grow.. maybe then she'd know what she wanted? So.. This last week I saw her across the street again and I reached out (**** it) to wish her happy birthday via email. (I know from the past however much she'd want to reach out she wouldn't .. because she's so ****ing stubborn. I was testing the waters, Trying to open up the lines of communication. I kept it light and positive and Told her I'd seen her slurping juice and apologized if I'd hurt her in the past, and that it was cool and I hope there's no grudges or weirdness. no questions about her life etc.. I did invite her to a show (musician) I'm playing November though. She got back to me a few days later and thanked me for Bday wishes in a very formal way, said she was glad there was no hard feelings and mentioned a friend she'd bumped into that morning. She said she was happy I was playing again.. but know mention of coming? 3 weeks later and i mailed her actually asking her how she was etc.. She responded within 30 mins and was really upbeat and positive.. and happy to hear from me. smiley faces. said she had a new job. was moving east. She asked what was going on with me and when I was playing shows again (?) This I took as she wanted to come see me (perhaps) She then said she was literally leaving for a holiday at that very moment. I replied positively, said I'd made some positive changes, moved etc etc. and asked her when she was moving and if she wanted to meet me before? because I'd like to see her face again at some point and to have a nice holiday. That was a few days ago, I take it she's on a beach currently, so I don't expect her to get back to me anytime before she's back. Thing is... I love this woman still. I'm not going to tell her that, but I'd like to feel it out. I'm hoping the time has been a good thing? .. or not.. I spoke to a friend and he said "you've got to at least try and get this girl back man .. you're just torturing yourself". He's right. If she marries someone else, I think It'll destroy me. I have no idea if she's seeing anyone else? Thing is, I don't want to seem desperate or **** with her if she is seeing a fella. my chances are slim tho right? But I feel like I should try again at least. She's responding positively... is that a good sign? I've known people get back together after years being apart. Should I wait awhile and just ask her out, when shes back??? I don't want to try to hard and push her away. urrrgh. Sorry it's long: Advice please: Edited October 6, 2015 by eyeam
Author eyeam Posted October 6, 2015 Author Posted October 6, 2015 Poring my heart out in an email, would be a BAD idea right???
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 You're friend-zoned. Best cut off all contact, because you are going to scare her rigid if you profess love after all this time. She's being friendly because she thinks you're over it. You can't be a friend with someone if you still hold a flame for them. Try by all means to suggest dating again. But if I were you, I'd prepare myself for a massive set-back.... No no.... I mean MASSIVE. 2
Author eyeam Posted October 6, 2015 Author Posted October 6, 2015 Thanks Tara Yeah ... I was thinking of suggesting meeting up in a friendly manner first? not ACTUALLY pouring my soul out bad idea right? ****!!
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 Yes, lull her into a false sense of security, make her believe you are totally over her, act the good buddy, then drop the other shoe... She will freak. You will totally blind~side her and take her by surprise and I rather think she will recoil... Please, hun, move on.... 2
Author eyeam Posted October 6, 2015 Author Posted October 6, 2015 Anyone else feel it's a lost cause?
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 Maybe it's why nobody's touched this thread... because yeah, you know..... You know. 1
Author eyeam Posted October 6, 2015 Author Posted October 6, 2015 I feel like I've committed some heinous crime. urgh.
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 I feel like I've committed some heinous crime. urgh. No, you haven't. But breaking the Law of No Contact carries severe penalties and dreadful punishment to the person going against the 'better judgement'..... Sadly, all too often, meted out by the person themselves... You'll only end up blaming - and kicking - yourself, and nobody deserves that kind of penalty. Be good to yourself. Honour your good intentions and realise what a dreadful shame it would have been to have your heart shattered all over again, simply because you still love her. Not fair to you, is it? 2
marcusdevilliers Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 Your a mature guy so you should be able to think about this maturely. Trying is important in a relationship, its important to show effort but its a two way street. Why do u truly want to get back with her? Does she want to get back with you.? And you would only know that if she tells you she wants you back. So try and move on from this because it will just throw you in a grave. 3
marcusdevilliers Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 Anyone else feel it's a lost cause? Nothing is a lost cause. But in terms of relationship, its up to her if she really wants you.
thecrucible Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 How long were you in a relationship for? I'd be cautious if I were you since she's led you on previously and seems to be into you and then not into you, and it's a bit of an emotional rollercoaster that keeps pulling you in. Also she doesn't seem self-aware enough to be straight with you rather than acting ambivalent all the time. 1
Author eyeam Posted October 6, 2015 Author Posted October 6, 2015 Thank you. You're right. It's just that in the past, it's been me that's done the reaching out (every time) because of her stubbornness. Then she'd gush .. and admit fault and want me back. I'm going to cut contact and not pursue it any further. The ball is firmly in her court now. Luckily, I didn't embarrass myself to much... I think? Honestly though - she must of Know the (real) reason I reached out .. surely? Thanks again.
Author eyeam Posted October 6, 2015 Author Posted October 6, 2015 How long were you in a relationship for? I'd be cautious if I were you since she's led you on previously and seems to be into you and then not into you, and it's a bit of an emotional rollercoaster that keeps pulling you in. Also she doesn't seem self-aware enough to be straight with you rather than acting ambivalent all the time. For one year. Absolutely. She has the same relationship with her father (back and forth) a friend of mine who's a therapist seems to think she has traits of BPD/NPD. I strongly suspect she's the same with every romantic partner? ... I think she was very into the control element. When I asked her why she'd never had a boyfriend, she said "because I don't put up with their ****" red flag I ignored right there.. who knows?
Author eyeam Posted October 6, 2015 Author Posted October 6, 2015 (edited) When she'd be unpleasant - I'd call her on it and she'd say "it's because she was so insecure" so she'd act like an ******* in defense? (not sure how that works?) The the last time .. "That she dumped me, because she knew I was going to do it first" Bananas. Her moodiness I'd let go because I thought it catholic guilt? It was hard. But I felt an overwhelming urge to look after her. Edited October 6, 2015 by eyeam
Author eyeam Posted October 6, 2015 Author Posted October 6, 2015 and thanks for your feed back.. I really appreciate it. It's helping.
Satu Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 I think you are 'star - crossed lovers.' There have been good things between you, but nothing solid enough to make it work, and continue to work. You'll find love again.
phineas Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 When any woman ive dated wants me back they have always used sex as a tool to accomplish that. There has been no deviation from that strategy between women. My friends have said the same. The women use sex to try and get them back. I've known very few men get an ex back unless there were years in between. It's usually been the women who gets the guy back when she chooses.
ByMyself01 Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 Hey Guys Long story.. so I'll keep it brief. I met my last GF a couple of years ago. We were together a year. She is beautiful, smart and funny. Although a little blunt and rude at times (this she admitted was because she was massively insecure) She was 26 and I was 37. The age difference was never an issue.. However, after our initial dates went REALLY well.. she confessed to me that she was Catholic (ie: no sex before marriage) This obviously through me... haha.. and i was a little pissed off that she hadn't told me sooner. so I had some serious thinking to do!! she'd also never had a "proper" boyfriend before. Now I liked this lady alot, and we had chemistry (like I'd never felt before) and sexual attraction. She told me she felt the same way. So, I thought **** it (my friends all told me to bail) Things, progressed really well. We were really in love with each other.. the physical stuff got to a point where we were doing most things except having actual penetrative sex. Because being the man and being respectful of her beliefs I HAD to do this... even though we were crazy all over each other most of the time. The problems seemed to be (amongst others!!) That her catholic friends and priests would constantly try and pull us apart (because I was religious) This pained her. Also, she was massively insecure about herself (that i would leave etc) and had Daddy issues and a strained on/off relationship with her mum. She was very naive. Also she admtted she had commitment issues. But we were really close and I was super i love with her. We split once after a few months over nothing ..(because she was scared) and then regretted it and came back to me (and was now seeking therapy) After this things were great. Therapy really helped. We just had this intangible chemistry.. could finish each others sentences. We talked about marriage and I'd never felt like this about anyone before. Almost a year in and things were good still.. although I'd still get the push/pull thing. I was thinking seriously of asking her to marry me at that point. Then a "friend" of hers an older guy - she knew that used to come into the coffee shop she worked started telling her he'd coach her to find a better job. He was a recovering alcoholic and a little UN-hinged. When I met him - I could sense the competitive jealously coming off him. It was obvious he was trying to get into her pants and because she is so naive.. she couldn't see it. I said nothing initially tho. This went on awhile and I was ok about it because I trusted her. But, then I noticed he was texting her every day and she seemed to like making me feel jealous about it. So I called her on it and told her "she was unintentionally leading him on.. and it would end badly".. ie: me cleaning up the mess. Which had happened before.. with her best friend!! This led to a argument, where we were both screaming. I KNEW i over reacted and I apologized, But she couldn't get past it and it went down hill from there... I just couldn't talk to her and she became a total bitch of a month or so. I told her she was being unfair and wouldn't put up with her being mean and cold. so we spit (her choice) but I agreed to it. I knew I had to go NC. but she kept texting me. I eventually asked her to stop. She did, but became really angry about it "fine .. have a nice life etc" 5 months passed and I was ****ing heartbroken.. I dated around but still couldn't get over it. I really worked on myself. Eventually I reached out on her Birthday and she was over the moon to hear from me.. and she really pushed to see me again. we did.. and it was amazing she was all over me, happy.. we spent 3 days together, she even had a day off work to spend with me?? This where it gets Bizarre.. when she was at my place, and I went to work that day (i was on cloud 9 btw) she went through me computer history, drawers, bathroom. everything. Found porn on my history .. and called me on it. Not that I cared. When I got back, she was all over me again and said "don't you want to ask me to marry you?" To which I replied "don't you think we should take it slow again first?" She laughed coldly and said "You'd be lucky to marry me" ?? She said the reason she wanted to see me again was "because you once meant so much to me and I was really in love with you" what does that even mean??? I never once mentioned getting back together ... just taking it slow. She also said "You forced me to break up with you... because YOU wouldn't do it!!! then through me away like trash" which wasn't the case at all!! Which I told her. After that .. she'd cry and say "we can't get back together.. we've already had 2 horrible break ups" She then went from loving to ... complete cold bitch?? WHY spend that time with me if she had no intention of doing so?? She continued to text me sweet things after that.. so, i just thought she was confused?? or playing games? When I called her to ask her out on the Friday, she refused and said ... "look, I was confused. I'm still really, really attracted to you you're beautiful and I'll always love you... but if we keep seeing each other I KNOW we'll get back together because I can't resist you and I don't trust that you won't hurt me again" and "I'm not going through that break-up again" and "you'll always be special to me ... you're my first boyfriend etc etc" crying then cold as ice again. I tried to convince her otherwise - but pointless.. So that was that... I told her to leave me be then or she'd just keep stringing me along. I didn't contact her after that. It seemed she was doing it for all the wrong reasons? That was almost a year ago. I 'd see her several times, She'd hang around my area (which was weird? seemed deliberate) Only across the road and stuff.. It broke my heart every ****ing time.. I've dated many other women this last year and I've had some great times and met some great people, one night stands and all that... some horrible.. haha. I'm a good looking guy and never had a problem in that area. But, NO ONE has come close.. I just feel like she was the one you know... my muse. The only woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I Figured she'd go away - date other guys and ****ing grow.. maybe then she'd know what she wanted? So.. This last week I saw her across the street again and I reached out (**** it) to wish her happy birthday via email. (I know from the past however much she'd want to reach out she wouldn't .. because she's so ****ing stubborn. I was testing the waters, Trying to open up the lines of communication. I kept it light and positive and Told her I'd seen her slurping juice and apologized if I'd hurt her in the past, and that it was cool and I hope there's no grudges or weirdness. no questions about her life etc.. I did invite her to a show (musician) I'm playing November though. She got back to me a few days later and thanked me for Bday wishes in a very formal way, said she was glad there was no hard feelings and mentioned a friend she'd bumped into that morning. She said she was happy I was playing again.. but know mention of coming? 3 weeks later and i mailed her actually asking her how she was etc.. She responded within 30 mins and was really upbeat and positive.. and happy to hear from me. smiley faces. said she had a new job. was moving east. She asked what was going on with me and when I was playing shows again (?) This I took as she wanted to come see me (perhaps) She then said she was literally leaving for a holiday at that very moment. I replied positively, said I'd made some positive changes, moved etc etc. and asked her when she was moving and if she wanted to meet me before? because I'd like to see her face again at some point and to have a nice holiday. That was a few days ago, I take it she's on a beach currently, so I don't expect her to get back to me anytime before she's back. Thing is... I love this woman still. I'm not going to tell her that, but I'd like to feel it out. I'm hoping the time has been a good thing? .. or not.. I spoke to a friend and he said "you've got to at least try and get this girl back man .. you're just torturing yourself". He's right. If she marries someone else, I think It'll destroy me. I have no idea if she's seeing anyone else? Thing is, I don't want to seem desperate or **** with her if she is seeing a fella. my chances are slim tho right? But I feel like I should try again at least. She's responding positively... is that a good sign? I've known people get back together after years being apart. Should I wait awhile and just ask her out, when shes back??? I don't want to try to hard and push her away. urrrgh. Sorry it's long: Advice please: Sounds like my ex in a way. He is confusing. First he opens up then closes up again, causing confusion. Then, when he was at my house and I went to work, he was gone when I came back and never thought to message me to tell me anything. I had to text and ask him and he claims because my room was cold and he was sick making him feel worse. But it sounds to me is that she is afraid of getting hurt again so she has her guards up.
Buddhist Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 Advice please:d Why the hell are you so keen to go back into that kind of drama? Move on. 1
road Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 You ignore red flags. The first one was when she was letting that other man get close to her and she went batmanure crazy on your butt.
Author eyeam Posted October 12, 2015 Author Posted October 12, 2015 Well.. She returned from her holiday and had this to say in short: "Hi **** my holiday was wonderful etc etc It's nice that you keep in touch, and I can meet with you, but you need to know I've moved on and I'm in a relationship Just so we're clear. Let me know when you'd like to meet?" So.. I told her I was happy for her, wished her the best with it, and that meeting wouldn't be a good idea given the circumstances. That there's still something there on my end.. Not sure why she agreed if she has a BF?... She seems to still like my attention? possibly to rub my nose in it and talk about her new man?.. to keep me on the hook? or Just to simply catch up? Turns out the guy she's with had been trying (while having a GF!!) to poach her off me waaay back when we were together, I remember seeing his posts to her on FB wall and texts. I think this might explain her behavior the last time I saw her too. Having to decide between the 2 of us perhaps? this is purely speculation. Well.. that is that. I feel better at least.
Nut2fast Posted October 12, 2015 Posted October 12, 2015 Your reply to that was really well made for the situation and well I don't think she was Tryna rub off it looks to me more of just seeing an old friend something new to do at the end don't let yourself to believe those negative thoughts about FB post and all that, let it end in the manner it did and keep on looking for a new girl that will make you as happy as she did that the beginning . You did well I can assure you that!
Recommended Posts