I'd appreciate your thoughts

[BerryLove]

I met a great man on a dating site where we hit it off instantly and have so much in common. We sent long emails to each other for ages before meeting. We dated and 4 months ago we decided to see only each other. The emails obviously stopped and instead we would text a few times a day, often still long ones.

 

We live a 45 minute drive apart and I do shift work, where as he does Mon to Fri, 9 to 5. That means when we see each other its at the weekends, and we always stay over at the others house and often its not every weekend that we see each other because of how my shifts work.

 

Initially that worked well, it meant he still had his space because he's very independant and is comfortable in his own company. But within the last few weeks he became distant when we were apart. The texts decreased and often he would take ages to reply. I began to feel like he was forgetting about me and that we were disconnecting, but we'd still always see each other as planned. Theres never been any cancellations and when we see each other its fantastic. We have belongings at each others places, keys to each others places etc. I dont doubt him or the relationship when we're together at all. He's met my family - something he instigated, he's meeting more of them this weekend, and i've met his.

 

Last week it came to a head. We spoke about what was wrong and basically it was getting him down that he wasnt seeing me as often as he wanted. This made sense because there was the odd very subtle comment here and there before hand. He also said he had grown tired of having to text to keep in contact with me, hence the decrease in messages. There were still always one per day from him, i have to point out. He said the main thing I had to keep in mind was that he "just wanted to be with me" and that i'm always on his mind. He wanted the relationship to progress but was concerned at how it would work with my shifts and the geographical distance between us.

 

This was music to my ears. As i said earlier, the shifts worked well for him initially but he said soon enough he wanted to see me much more - which i hadnt realised. So we have agreed to see each other much more often. Its perfectly possible to see each other more and we spoke about how we both want to end up living together in the future. He also said the long messages were getting him down, like a burden, and thats understandable. But i thought he liked that. We've agreed that it was ok to send random messages like "I finally fixed my laptop!!", "god the weather is awful, i got drenched" etc.. you get the idea.. as well as longer ones too, but not feeling that we had to send long ones. Over all we both felt much happier with our plan to progress the relationship and see how seeing each other more often pans out.

 

But our plan to see each other more often wont start until this weekend because I have night shifts all this week. That makes me nervous. He wants to see me during the week and that cant happen this week, ie the first week we agreed on progressing the relationship. But he said thats not a problem because of all the time we spent together last week - we spent all last week together on time off from work and it was great. But since seeing him at the weekend, i'm feeling a bit of disconnection again from the messages

 

I feel i should also say that for this day and age, he doesnt text as often as a lot of people do. I've dated men in the past who reply instantly and text often. I'm aware of the pitfalls of texting in relationships so i'm not necessarily saying i want more texts from this guy. I'm happy that we get on with our own lives rather than constantly contacting each other. But its something i'm getting used to - ie less texts than previous relationships. But is that normal?! I've not had a relationship like this. When you're otherwise comfy with each other, how often is normal to text? (How long is a piece of string i guess..). Is it fine to not receive a text one day? I'm not used to that but if thats perfectly fine, i can be fine with it. But like i said, there is usually something every day at the very least.

 

I guess this would also fit in the LDR section. I am trying to keep the contact alive this week and i know that you have to work at keeping up the contact in an LDR, although too much can smother. I think we should be fine once we see each other more often, but this week i'm just stressing over it again. He knows I'd prefer a bit more contact, and yet he seems to struggle with it. Where as previously the emails and texts were so full of conversation, connection etc. He says he's not into talking about mundane stuff. But thats what i need to feel connected. I guess I just worry that being apart could end up breaking us - breaking what is the best relationship I've ever had and all i've ever wanted really.

 

Anyway, thoughts?

Edited October 6, 2015 by BerryLove

[GunslingerRoland]

I wouldn't consider a 45 minute drive long distance (sounds like an average cross city trip.) And personally I rarely text, it's great for short information sharing, not conversations...

[BerryLove]

I agree, i wouldnt either. But he does a little bit. I drive the same distance to work and back every day (in a different direction) so its nothing to me. But it is to him because he lives very close to where he works.

 

I guess my main issue is him being or having been stressed and getting down over the relationship. And that he pulls back rather than coming closer, if you know what i mean, with regard to contact when apart. He internalises it and i feel a bit shut out and not in control.

 

Plus, i guess i'm struggling with the decrease in contact. But i supppose things dont stay the same as they were initially, right?

[glynnroy]

I met a great man on a dating site where we hit it off instantly and have so much in common. We sent long emails to each other for ages before meeting. We dated and 4 months ago we decided to see only each other. The emails obviously stopped and instead we would text a few times a day, often still long ones.

 

We live a 45 minute drive apart and I do shift work, where as he does Mon to Fri, 9 to 5. That means when we see each other its at the weekends, and we always stay over at the others house and often its not every weekend that we see each other because of how my shifts work.

 

Initially that worked well, it meant he still had his space because he's very independant and is comfortable in his own company. But within the last few weeks he became distant when we were apart. The texts decreased and often he would take ages to reply. I began to feel like he was forgetting about me and that we were disconnecting, but we'd still always see each other as planned. Theres never been any cancellations and when we see each other its fantastic. We have belongings at each others places, keys to each others places etc. I dont doubt him or the relationship when we're together at all. He's met my family - something he instigated, he's meeting more of them this weekend, and i've met his.

 

Last week it came to a head. We spoke about what was wrong and basically it was getting him down that he wasnt seeing me as often as he wanted. This made sense because there was the odd very subtle comment here and there before hand. He also said he had grown tired of having to text to keep in contact with me, hence the decrease in messages. There were still always one per day from him, i have to point out. He said the main thing I had to keep in mind was that he "just wanted to be with me" and that i'm always on his mind. He wanted the relationship to progress but was concerned at how it would work with my shifts and the geographical distance between us.

 

This was music to my ears. As i said earlier, the shifts worked well for him initially but he said soon enough he wanted to see me much more - which i hadnt realised. So we have agreed to see each other much more often. Its perfectly possible to see each other more and we spoke about how we both want to end up living together in the future. He also said the long messages were getting him down, like a burden, and thats understandable. But i thought he liked that. We've agreed that it was ok to send random messages like "I finally fixed my laptop!!", "god the weather is awful, i got drenched" etc.. you get the idea.. as well as longer ones too, but not feeling that we had to send long ones. Over all we both felt much happier with our plan to progress the relationship and see how seeing each other more often pans out.

 

But our plan to see each other more often wont start until this weekend because I have night shifts all this week. That makes me nervous. He wants to see me during the week and that cant happen this week, ie the first week we agreed on progressing the relationship. But he said thats not a problem because of all the time we spent together last week - we spent all last week together on time off from work and it was great. But since seeing him at the weekend, i'm feeling a bit of disconnection again from the messages

 

I feel i should also say that for this day and age, he doesnt text as often as a lot of people do. I've dated men in the past who reply instantly and text often. I'm aware of the pitfalls of texting in relationships so i'm not necessarily saying i want more texts from this guy. I'm happy that we get on with our own lives rather than constantly contacting each other. But its something i'm getting used to - ie less texts than previous relationships. But is that normal?! I've not had a relationship like this. When you're otherwise comfy with each other, how often is normal to text? (How long is a piece of string i guess..). Is it fine to not receive a text one day? I'm not used to that but if thats perfectly fine, i can be fine with it. But like i said, there is usually something every day at the very least.

 

I guess this would also fit in the LDR section. I am trying to keep the contact alive this week and i know that you have to work at keeping up the contact in an LDR, although too much can smother. I think we should be fine once we see each other more often, but this week i'm just stressing over it again. He knows I'd prefer a bit more contact, and yet he seems to struggle with it. Where as previously the emails and texts were so full of conversation, connection etc. He says he's not into talking about mundane stuff. But thats what i need to feel connected. I guess I just worry that being apart could end up breaking us - breaking what is the best relationship I've ever had and all i've ever wanted really.

 

Anyway, thoughts?

 

Ahhhh the texting game ! You can over text and once you are used to it you feel some times that they are not interested! I have had this on many occasions , the first few weeks non stop texts and then it slows down ! I now always try to chat over the phone more !

You seen to communicate well with him but don't come across as too needy where your waiting him to text and communicate all the time ! Less is more , I can bet you now if you stopped texting for a day if he was borhered about you he would be asking you if you are ok ! Why don't you try it ! Don't text or communicate and let him get In touch with you then you will

Know

[BerryLove]

This is what i was keen to point out though, it was never constant texts. Maybe three in a day at the most - nothing like previous dates and relationships where there were constant texts. However, the frequency has declined

 

I completely get your point though and I am very aware of not smothering or appearing needy. I think i've got that down to a tee - even if i'm not coming across like that on here. I dont reply straight away.. I only usually text him after he's texted me,rather than more than one message before he's answered one.. etc

Edited October 6, 2015 by BerryLove

[glynnroy]

This is what i was keen to point out though, it was never constant texts. Maybe three in a day at the most - nothing like previous dates and relationships where there were constant texts. However, the frequency has declined

 

I completely get your point though and I am very aware of not smothering or appearing needy. I think i've got that down to a tee - even if i'm not coming across like that on here. I dont reply straight away.. I only usually text him after he's texted me,rather than more than one message before he's answered one.. etc

 

 

You will find if you pull back and let him text you or communicate to you first , you will find out what the score is ! I'd pull back and as hard as it it is let him come on to you ! If he doesn't you know when you stand ! He's probably expecting you to text , let him think for a bit why you have haven't been intouch be a bit more mysterious , but don't over do it ! Just prove a point that's what id do

[d0nnivain]

What time is your night shift? If it's 11-7, can he come over for dinner before you go to work?

[BerryLove]

What time is your night shift? If it's 11-7, can he come over for dinner before you go to work?

 

Lovely idea but the logistics wouldnt quite work. I leave home at 8pm and sleep until six, or try to. I dont sleep well between night shifts, ie one night shift each day of the week. Plus, he'd be coming during rush hour and could end up seeing me for a very short amount of time. I probably wouldnt even ask that of him.

 

 

 

While trying to sleep in bed something has occured to me. Probably quite obvious but it wasnt to me before now. Is this basically the honeymoon phase being over? He admitted, as i've already said, that he didnt want to do the long messages anymore, ie what we had at the beginning, and sometimes didnt know what to say to me with regard to messaging. Thats the honeymoon phase over, isnt it? I prbably just need to get used to the decrease in messages and have comfort in the knowledge that he wants to see me more often.. right?

[kendahke]

IMO, texting is used to manage people, really.

 

What is wrong with talking to each other on the phone? I can't stand protracted texting--auto correct is my nemisis--just dial the dang phone and talk to me.

 

while trying to sleep in bed something has occured to me. Probably quite obvious but it wasnt to me before now. Is this basically the honeymoon phase being over?

 

Sounds like it to me. The representative has been sent away and the real him is now here. The real him doesn't like the parameters of the relationship and wants to see more of you, which is totally understandable.

 

He admitted, as i've already said, that he didnt want to do the long messages anymore, ie what we had at the beginning, and sometimes didnt know what to say to me with regard to messaging. Thats the honeymoon phase over, isnt it? I prbably just need to get used to the decrease in messages and have comfort in the know

 

The relationship, if it's going to survive, has to move onto a more mature, deeper level. The fact that he's saying to you that he wants to spend more time with you is indicative of this maturation on his part.

 

I prbably just need to get used to the decrease in messages and have comfort in the knowledge that he wants to see me more often.. right?

 

Yes. That would be wise. The in-person is and always will be > than texting.

[d0nnivain]

I leave home at 8pm and sleep until six, or try to.. Plus, he'd be coming during rush hour and could end up seeing me for a very short amount of time. I probably wouldnt even ask that of him.

 

If you want something bad enough you make it work. If he could get there by 5:30 you still have 2.5 hours together which is better than nothing.

 

I'm not saying that is a viable solution every day but once in a while. . .

[Jejangles]

As someone else mentioned, do you ever talk on the phone? I think even just a quick chat everyday can help you maintain the connection when you can't see each other, much better than a text.