avoforastig Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 I'm 31 and so is my gf. We have been dating about 15 months and she talked to me about what I wanted long-term in our relationship a few weeks ago. While we definitely have the same long-term goals of marriage and children, I realized I still have some doubts about the relationship. There are a lot of great things about her. She is pretty, intelligent, loyal, and a great listener. She gets along with my family, which is not an easy task. We have similar financial and religious habits. That being said, we just don't seem to click when it comes to socializing and drinking preferences. This is a big part of what makes me happy in life and their always seems to be a source of conflict swirling about it. She is an introvert and I'm an extrovert. She'll join me when I go out with my friends, but she always wants to go home much sooner than I do. She usually remains quiet and doesn't contribute a lot to group conversations. When I don't want to go home when she does, it often leads to conflict. Multiple times she has started crying in public because I want to stay out and she doesn't. Many times her behavior "bursts my bubble," and ruins my day. It takes me from cloud 9 to anger. While I feel like things have improved somewhat in this regard after talking about the subject, I still always have it in the back of my mind. In addition, when we went away together for a weekend to the beach, she got very mad at me and made me feel like crap because I wanted to drink beer all day. This despite her having been this beach many times with her friends. She also kind of ruined another weekend trip for me by telling me before the trip that she didn't want to stay out late in a city known for its nightlife. I never pressure her to stay late or drink alcohol, and I don't really care if she does. However, I just want the same sense of mutual respect in how I spend my free time. By no means am I an alcoholic. I don't drink everyday, get arrested, causes scenes/drama, or start fights. In recent weeks, I had a chance to hang out without her with my friends a few times and honestly felt relieved. It even made me feel very attracted to one of my other women friends, which triggered an alarm in my head that something is wrong. I feel like this one area where we lack compatibility is really weighing on me and makes me feel hesitant to to take the relationship to the next level. I have been trying to work this out with her and give her some chances, but its hard to forget all the fun times she already ruined for me. I feel like it has prevented me from having a high level of excitement about the relationship and caused these doubts to linger. At this point, I don't know what to do. Would it be wrong to break up over this? Any thoughts in general?
Ami1uwant Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 What time does she want to go home vs when you do ??? How much do you drink vs her?? On the drinking the concern 8s you being an slcoholic. What would it be like if you didn't drink beer???
Lois_Griffin Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 Oh jeez, she CRIES when she wants to go home and you're not ready to leave yet? Good lord, who are you dating, Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm? I'm not a big fan of drinking beer all day at the beach either, admittedly. it kind of sounds like something a teenager would do, but to each his own. But lots of people bring a cooler to the beach with them and have a few beers while relaxing, and that's not the end of the earth. She's not going to change. I'm not a big drinker but truth be told, when you're suddenly in a position where you're no longer able to do it, you suddenly miss it more than you thought you would. Years ago I married a recovering alcoholic who was sober for 3 years when we met and to be honest, it got REAL old when I found myself avoiding the things I'd taken for granted for YEARS before I met him. I did it as a show of respect, not because he demanded it. But I missed having an occasional night out for drinks or having a drink before dinner or even just having a few drinks at home during a romantic evening. It kind of ticked me off that I was being 'punished' because of his inability to handle alcohol. I wasn't an alcoholic but felt I was being deprived because now I couldn't have a drink when I wanted to, through no fault of my own. You're basically dealing with the same thing, but different circumstances. Because SHE'S an introvert, now you're suddenly being deprived of what you thrive on and what brings you joy - socializing and enjoying time out with your friends and having drinks. Things you always took for granted now suddenly become something you're not 'allowed' to do - or have to fight tooth and nail for. I repeat. She's not going to change.
PegNosePete Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 I'm 31 and so is my gf. Multiple times she has started crying in public because I want to stay out and she doesn't. Seriously, a woman of 31 cries in public because her BF wants to stay out? She's acting like a spoiled teenager. Doesn't she know how to drive, doesn't she have a taxi company's number, or a bus or train timetable? There is a simple fix for this. Before you go out, arrange how long you will stay. This will avoid fighting in public, which would make her look controlling or you look whipped. If you pre-arrange what time you're leaving then no-one has cause for complaint. Or just travel separately so she can leave whenever she wants and you can stay as long as you want. In addition, when we went away together for a weekend to the beach, she got very mad at me and made me feel like crap because I wanted to drink beer all day. I am not surprised. Drinking beer all day is not most women's idea of a nice weekend away with their boyfriend. This time it's you who is acting like a teenager rather than an adult. Would it be wrong to break up over this? Any thoughts in general? Strange question. Who is to say what's "right" or "wrong" reasons to break up? There is no such thing as right or wrong. This is human interaction, not a court of law. If you are not happy in the relationship, if your needs are not being met, if you think you don't have happy a future together, then break up. 1
clia Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 I don't think it would be wrong to break up over this. It sounds like a huge incompatibility, and it's not going to change. I personally think compatibility in areas like this are pretty essential for a lasting relationship. How you like to spend your free time is huge. Think about how miserable you are going to be on every vacation and every weekend for the rest of your life if you remain with her. And it will only get worse. 1
Gaeta Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 You are both immature and fail at compromising. When she's had enough of being out with you and your drinking buddies she should just head back home with the car and you call a taxi to go home later. Problem solved. When you are away on weekends together you should be mature enough to spend the day with her out and about, doing things SHE enjoys too because it's not only your vacations it's hers too @!!! and keep your drinking for later. If marriage is in the air, you are not marriage material till you put that party life to rest, and she is not marriage material till she learn to let you enjoy yourself and go back home like a big girl. 7
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 Why can't you do what you want without having to take her too? Or do you deem yourself untrustworthy? You guys are not joined at the hip. It's not a legal obligation or requirement that you BOTH like the same things to the same level, at the same time, in the same environment. So she's introvert, and you're extrovert? What does she like doing, in her introverted ways? Would you join her in that? Can you relax and be comfortable doing things her way? If not, why do you suppose or assume that she should be happy doing what you want, your way, all the time? A relationship is about compromise and communication. Do what makes the other person happy. But do it in such a way that you don't suffer from it. She cries because what you do is probably different to the assurances you give her prior to going out. I don't think we're getting the full story here. We rarely do, unsurprisingly. All we have is your indignation, and 'should we break up'? I'd be curious to hear her side of things. 2
d0nnivain Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 On some level you value your relationship with alcohol more than you value your relationship with her. That said, there is no reason for her to cry in public. I usually want to go home before DH especially if I'm the designated driver so we compromise. He'll go home earlier than he wants & I'll stay out later than I want. If he has an alternative safe ride home I leave & he stays. We're both happy. If you can't compromise there is no saving this relationship.
Gaeta Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 When I don't want to go home when she does, it often leads to conflict. Multiple times she has started crying in public because I want to stay out and she doesn't. Many times her behavior "bursts my bubble," and ruins my day. It takes me from cloud 9 to anger. So, you want to tell us about this anger? How do you express that anger? Would she start crying after you express that anger by any chance? 1
PogoStick Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 If you just cave to her and give up something you really enjoy then you'll have resentment and the relationship will be poisoned and likely end at some point. You can either: Have a mature discussion to find a mutual compromise. Maybe you just need guys nights out while she watches reruns of Friends at home. Couples don't have to (nor should they) share every moment together. or Decide this is one of the big deal breakers / incompatibilities and end the relationship in a calm and gentle manner. Ideally this happens as a result of the above conversation.
xcupid Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 I'm 31 and so is my gf. We have been dating about 15 months and she talked to me about what I wanted long-term in our relationship a few weeks ago. While we definitely have the same long-term goals of marriage and children, I realized I still have some doubts about the relationship. There are a lot of great things about her. She is pretty, intelligent, loyal, and a great listener. She gets along with my family, which is not an easy task. We have similar financial and religious habits. That being said, we just don't seem to click when it comes to socializing and drinking preferences. This is a big part of what makes me happy in life and their always seems to be a source of conflict swirling about it. She is an introvert and I'm an extrovert. She'll join me when I go out with my friends, but she always wants to go home much sooner than I do. She usually remains quiet and doesn't contribute a lot to group conversations. When I don't want to go home when she does, it often leads to conflict. Multiple times she has started crying in public because I want to stay out and she doesn't. Many times her behavior "bursts my bubble," and ruins my day. It takes me from cloud 9 to anger. While I feel like things have improved somewhat in this regard after talking about the subject, I still always have it in the back of my mind. In addition, when we went away together for a weekend to the beach, she got very mad at me and made me feel like crap because I wanted to drink beer all day. This despite her having been this beach many times with her friends. She also kind of ruined another weekend trip for me by telling me before the trip that she didn't want to stay out late in a city known for its nightlife. I never pressure her to stay late or drink alcohol, and I don't really care if she does. However, I just want the same sense of mutual respect in how I spend my free time. By no means am I an alcoholic. I don't drink everyday, get arrested, causes scenes/drama, or start fights. In recent weeks, I had a chance to hang out without her with my friends a few times and honestly felt relieved. It even made me feel very attracted to one of my other women friends, which triggered an alarm in my head that something is wrong. I feel like this one area where we lack compatibility is really weighing on me and makes me feel hesitant to to take the relationship to the next level. I have been trying to work this out with her and give her some chances, but its hard to forget all the fun times she already ruined for me. I feel like it has prevented me from having a high level of excitement about the relationship and caused these doubts to linger. At this point, I don't know what to do. Would it be wrong to break up over this? Any thoughts in general? When you're out together, let her go home when she's ready to go home. You go home when you're ready to. Make sure she gets home *safely.*
Terry8889 Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 (edited) I personally feel that you're giving too much importance to drinking and your buddies than your relationship with a potential life partner. To me that is sign of immaturity because when and if you get married and have children you will have to set your priorities which would be your kids and wife and you might not have the time to be out partying and drinking til late at night anymore. Good women or men are very difficult to find nowadays, so if I were you I would analyze what I really want in life first because it sounds to me that you're not ready for a committed relationship at this point. Yo are are behaving and thinking like selfish teenage or college kid. Wake up You're 31 and not getting any younger !!! She is not a victim either, she sounds immature too with the crying in public and stuff but I feel you're not telling us the whole story, did you yell at her and we're agressive and that's why she cried? Edited October 6, 2015 by Terry8889 1
Author avoforastig Posted October 6, 2015 Author Posted October 6, 2015 So, you want to tell us about this anger? How do you express that anger? Would she start crying after you express that anger by any chance? I try to always remain cool. I try to let myself settle down before commenting on something that angers me.
Author avoforastig Posted October 6, 2015 Author Posted October 6, 2015 When you're out together, let her go home when she's ready to go home. You go home when you're ready to. Make sure she gets home *safely.* We live in a big city with plenty on transit options(bus,subway,uber,taxi). I guess it doesn't bother me so much that she doesn't prioritize socializing, but how she handles my desire to socialize. With other couples we know, usually one person will want to head home before the other. One of the pair will tactfully depart the gathering with no animosity. Typically this would include announcing their departure and saying bye to everyone. I've tried to discuss this with her but it hasn't been successful. She seems to suddenly decide it's time for her to leave and when I act disappointed it leads to her crying. She states that she doesn't mind going out, but wants some time to re-connect one on one at the end of the night, whereas I feel like I need a significantly larger amount of time out to feel satisfied. I think discussing a schedule for the night beforehand is a good suggestion which has not been implemented well. One problem is most of my friends are more prone to have spontaneous get togethers instead of planned nights out. Certainly, I could make more of an effort to make a plan ahead of time.
Author avoforastig Posted October 6, 2015 Author Posted October 6, 2015 You are both immature and fail at compromising. When she's had enough of being out with you and your drinking buddies she should just head back home with the car and you call a taxi to go home later. Problem solved. When you are away on weekends together you should be mature enough to spend the day with her out and about, doing things SHE enjoys too because it's not only your vacations it's hers too @!!! and keep your drinking for later. If marriage is in the air, you are not marriage material till you put that party life to rest, and she is not marriage material till she learn to let you enjoy yourself and go back home like a big girl. I'm fine with not partying ALL the time. I just want her to respect my desires to go out more than her. How can I make it easy for to bow out out gracefully instead of embarrassing me by crying?
Walters Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 One problem is most of my friends are more prone to have spontaneous get togethers instead of planned nights out. This is fine if it happens here and there. However, if this happens every weekend or a couple times a week its not the life of a person that wants to be committed, its a bachelor. It's possible that she is ready to settle down, however you appear not to be. You want to be with this person you will need to comprise with her. When its time to go, its time to go. However there is no reason you can plan a night out without her and stay as late as you wish. Either compromise here or find somebody who wants to party all night like you. Further if you get angry and she then starts to cry, you have anger issues. 1
Gaeta Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 I try to always remain cool. I try to let myself settle down before commenting on something that angers me. You are not answering my question. You said she angers you and you're losing your cool. What do you do when you lose your cool? Do you yell at her? Are you mean? Also you did not answer my question about when does she start crying, before or after you lose your cool with her?
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 We live in a big city with plenty on transit options(bus,subway,uber,taxi). I guess it doesn't bother me so much that she doesn't prioritize socializing, but how she handles my desire to socialize. To suggest or allow that a lady travel alone on public transport in a big city, at some late point in the evening is at best cavalier and discourteous, and at worst uncaring and callous. I guess it doesn't bother her so much that you insist on making this regular event, but that you expect her to always confine herself to spending the evening like you want... With other couples we know, usually one person will want to head home before the other. One of the pair will tactfully depart the gathering with no animosity. Typically this would include announcing their departure and saying bye to everyone. I've tried to discuss this with her but it hasn't been successful. She seems to suddenly decide it's time for her to leave and when I act disappointed it leads to her crying. Maybe it's because she knows you're going to handle it selfishly and throw a strop because you can't play ball with your friends... I asked you some questions regarding what SHE likes doing, and how cooperative you are about doing things she likes... She states that she doesn't mind going out, but wants some time to re-connect one on one at the end of the night, whereas I feel like I need a significantly larger amount of time out to feel satisfied. ..."Feel satisfied"...? What? What amount of time do you need to 'feel satisfied'..(What does that even mean...? ) ....One problem is most of my friends are more prone to have spontaneous get togethers instead of planned nights out. Certainly, I could make more of an effort to make a plan ahead of time. Or you could agree to miss the odd night now and then.. "Hey, *avoforastig* we're hitting the town tonight, we're meeting up and Jugs 'n' Joe's, you up?" "Nah, not tonite guys - too short notice, man..." I'm fine with not partying ALL the time. I just want her to respect my desires to go out more than her. How can I make it easy for to bow out out gracefully instead of embarrassing me by crying? How about respecting her desires to stay in a little more and spend time with her? You're embarrassed by her crying? Could you actually manage to sound any more callous....? 1
katinlc Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 My husband and I are both 34 and we have some conflicts regarding socializing. I am much more of an introvert who prefers to stay home or spend one on one time with my husband and he is more of an extrovert that enjoys being out with people. How do we work it out? We compromise. He doesn't say yes to every invite and I go out with him even when I prefer to stay home and rock the socializing scene. The big difference in us and you all I believe is the type of socializing...it really doesn't sound like you are ready to grow up and be married. When we go out, we stay out until a reasonable hour 10 or 11 at the latest. I would not be ok with staying out really, really late as I don't do well late at night. I would also not be ok with him drinking all day on the beach on our vacation. Drinking - yes - but not all day like a frat guy in college. However, her crying and making a scene is also very immature. Sounds like she doesn't know how to communicate either. I really think it's not so much the extrovert / introvert problem as what you each deem as fun / appropriate based on where you are in life. Could you all discuss ahead of time as what would be a reasonable time to leave? That way you've compromised before getting there and both know the expectations?
central Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 It seems to me that you are incompatible. It only takes one serious insoluble issue to make a relationship non-viable. So, if you can't solve this in a way that you can both accept, end it.
kismetkismet Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 If you're not really 'feeling' it, i think there is probably more in play here than this one aspect of the relationship. Personally, I would have a really hard time dating someone that didn't like going out and that sort of thing - it was one of my problems with my previous ex and I didn't realize how much it weighed me down until after we broke up. That's not to say you should flee the relationship, but you need to come to a place where you're both happy. You're not going to suddenly stop wanting to live your life that way and you'll end up resenting her if she forces you. I would try talking with her and telling her she needs to give you more freedom at the very least. She doesn't have to stay out with you, or drink beer in the day with you, but she can't ALWAYS stop you from it, or make you feel bad about it either. You need to have a serious talk with her about that. Tell her that it has nothing to do with how much you love her, but that it makes you happy and that it's something that you want to do in your life. Tell her how frustrating it is and that it makes you feel held back in life. That sort of thing is only going to breed resentment in you which isn't going to be good for either of you. Try to find a compromise.
Author avoforastig Posted October 6, 2015 Author Posted October 6, 2015 You are not answering my question. You said she angers you and you're losing your cool. What do you do when you lose your cool? Do you yell at her? Are you mean? Also you did not answer my question about when does she start crying, before or after you lose your cool with her? What I meant is that I don't lose control or blow up. When I get angry, I usually bottle the anger until I have a chance to analyze why I am upset and calm down so I don't say something just because I'm upset or overreact. The reason she cries is because she is sad I don't want to leave with her. I do express my disappointment in her wanting to leave though.
Author avoforastig Posted October 6, 2015 Author Posted October 6, 2015 If you're not really 'feeling' it, i think there is probably more in play here than this one aspect of the relationship. Personally, I would have a really hard time dating someone that didn't like going out and that sort of thing - it was one of my problems with my previous ex and I didn't realize how much it weighed me down until after we broke up. That's not to say you should flee the relationship, but you need to come to a place where you're both happy. You're not going to suddenly stop wanting to live your life that way and you'll end up resenting her if she forces you. I would try talking with her and telling her she needs to give you more freedom at the very least. She doesn't have to stay out with you, or drink beer in the day with you, but she can't ALWAYS stop you from it, or make you feel bad about it either. You need to have a serious talk with her about that. Tell her that it has nothing to do with how much you love her, but that it makes you happy and that it's something that you want to do in your life. Tell her how frustrating it is and that it makes you feel held back in life. That sort of thing is only going to breed resentment in you which isn't going to be good for either of you. Try to find a compromise. How do I know if I'm just not feeling it?
Author avoforastig Posted October 6, 2015 Author Posted October 6, 2015 This is fine if it happens here and there. However, if this happens every weekend or a couple times a week its not the life of a person that wants to be committed, its a bachelor. It's possible that she is ready to settle down, however you appear not to be. You want to be with this person you will need to comprise with her. When its time to go, its time to go. However there is no reason you can plan a night out without her and stay as late as you wish. Either compromise here or find somebody who wants to party all night like you. Further if you get angry and she then starts to cry, you have anger issues. One things haven't mentioned is she virtually never initiates any social activities with her friends, which I find odd. This post not just encompass drinking habits. I'd be fine with having some more dinner party type things. I think some of you got the wrong impression and think I'm binge drinking. I just like spending time with other people, regardless of what we do. Maybe I just feel unfulfilled in general with her?
Author avoforastig Posted October 6, 2015 Author Posted October 6, 2015 What time does she want to go home vs when you do ??? How much do you drink vs her?? On the drinking the concern 8s you being an slcoholic. What would it be like if you didn't drink beer??? I usually drink 1-2x/week. Probably have 1-2 drinks/hour while I am out. Rarely take any type of shot or anything like that. I do find drinking fun. I would've fine if I didn't but probably a bit bored.
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