Totally in love but incompatible? (Update)

[Juzzy]

The questions stands. Can you be hopelessly in love, but still incompatible?

 

I have just come out of a 2.5 year relationship. The past 10 months we have been living together in a new city. The past 3 months have highlighted difficulties in the relationship especially with her not liking certain things of how i live (dishes, doing chores) she admits she is borderline OCD but its just plain neuroticism. We also found ourselves arguing over petty things and because she keeps her feelings bottled up she just ignores me and acts really offish until i beg for an answer and then the anger breaks out. Big fight over small issue. This has made her wonder if we are just not compatible and almost lead to break ups, but after few days of keeping distance we talked it over.

 

The last occasion happened 3 weeks ago and we decided that maybe living together wasnt best for us and that i move out and we focus on our romance. It went so well and we felt ourselves totally falling in love again with each other.

 

In the meanwhile she has stated her desire to travel at the end of year for a few years whilst she can (she is 21 and I am 27 working professional). obviously i cant just leave and she said she would hope we could do long distance when it came. something i wasn't keen on at all. So that left a niggle in the relationship and we put it aside.

 

This past weekend we had made plans with a friend of hers for Saturday evening. They went out on together and i was at home and got ready. She phoned in the meanwhile and told me her friends are begging her to come to a club. We had made our own plans ages ago and i was ready to go and this crops up... she asked if i was keen to go the club instead and not wanting to create issues said yes. she was on her way to pick me up and then phoned again saying that its all girls and id be the only guy. I picked up the hint that she wanted to cancel our plans in favor of the club with her mates. I got irritated and even though i would have been keen to still go she said she didnt want me there to create drama as i would be the only guy and this would stop her from having fun.

 

when she got home, I was still awake and i spoke to her (she was highly peeved off by our phone call) We both agreed previously that we both need to try harder to have fun with each other and build passion. She hasnt been playing her part and i told her this and that im only trying to have fun with her and she is not involving me in her social life. She responded with a negative tone and said I was rude to want to even partake in the club with the girls when i should have just told her to go and have fun (in expense our planned evening). Anger ensued and i said stuff out of anger that i did not mean, saying she was one of the most hurtful people i know. She wasnt happy with that and said we were incompatible.

 

Next morning no eye contact or words. her friend told me she was extremely upset with what i said. When i tried to speak to her later to apologize, she told me she is hurt and is done. she stayed at her friends place that night

 

That brings us to today. last night I went to go collect my last things from her place and waited for her to get home to give her the keys. She came in and i asked if we could talk to clear the air. She told me she is still too angry and emotional talk and asked i leave. She said she wants to end things on a good note and said she will contact me in a few weeks time when she is not upset.

 

We are both very much in love. That Saturday we were just telling each other how happy we are and how things are better now and that she is so in love with me... Hours later and the **** hit the fan.

 

I am upset yes and struggling co it was out of the blue. Advice for dealing with this would be appreciated-

 

Can you have a best friend and lover in someone and still be incompatible?

 

side note... She is not one to talk about her feelings and she creates anger as a way of coping with being sad to avoid feeling miserable

[ExpatInItaly]

Firstly, I have to say that this isn't out of the blue. You'd already moved out. She'd already said she wants to go away for a long while on her own. That isn't a little niggle. Those are huge indications that the relationship was already in trouble.

 

Secondly, I think it's possible to be in love with someone who isn't right for you, yes. Although from my perspective, I don't think she is in love anymore. She is very young and wanting to go out with her friends and have fun, and actually canceled plans with you so she could do so. Those aren't the actions of a woman in love. Having been in her position before, I tried to deny even to myself that I wasn't all that into my ex any longer, tried to make it work. But at the end of the day, I had to be honest with myself and with him that I had outgrown the relationship. Just my two cents, but I think that's what's happened with her here.

 

I agree with that you two aren't really compatible anymore. You want different things in your future. I would work on starting to close that door and moving on.

[mightycpa]

She said she wants to end things on a good note and said she will contact me in a few weeks time when she is not upset.

In a few weeks, that ship will have sailed... my advice: when the time is right for her, it will be too late for you. Don't have the talk then, it will just set you back. The truth is that it doesn't matter how you leave it between you two, sweet or sour. In 5 years, if you remember to think about it, you won't really care. Either way, you guys won't be in touch. You won't be friends and you won't be lovers. You'll be exes, with no interaction, just the way God intended exes to act.

 

Ignore her for your own good from here on out.

 

People fall in love with the wrong people every day. What you want to examine is what it is that you love about her, and what you don't. Make a list.

 

Sometimes, the heart needs to be guided out of the hole it has dug for itself. Sounds like that's where you are. To read what you have said, you clearly understand that she's not the girl for you. Now all you have to do is get your heart to buy in. The quickest way to do that is with solid evidence.

[theredpill]

Let me add clarity, reason and the facts to avoid rationalisation that we all feel in these circumstances. If someone is totally in love 100% they will move mountains, ignore family, incompatibilities, change their faith, even kill people. Read into this what you will, you maybe totally in love, she clearly is not.

 

 

Good luck dude, have faith in yourself.

[Meli22]

The thing with young girls is that they change SO much from the ages of 18-25. I'm almost 26 and I'm a totally different person to who I was 6 years ago, even to last year! That's just life. She probably does love you but it does seem as though she's not 100% committed and it probably has nothing to do with you. Girls that age love going out with their mates, travelling, having fun. For some people they feel being in a relationship restricts them from doing that. She is clearly nit picking at things she doesn't like about you because she's not 100% happy, but where you?

 

The best thing you can do now is just cut her out. Don't bet on her reaching out soon. If she wants to talk she knows where you are, but for now you'd be best picking yourself up and healing.

 

Mightycpa is spot on - making a list will definitely help. I was completely blind during my whole relationship and thought my ex could walk on water. Only now that I have a clear head and have told people about our relationship, can I see how bad he was at times. It's crazy scary what being in love can do to people.

[Juzzy]

Thanks all for the input.

 

Now that you have mentioned it, i have always asked her why she focuses on my negatives and never celebrates my positives. I will spoil her with getting her nails done or a smoothie maker or dinner out somewhere, I will get a thank you and appreciation...but if I say something that irritates her, then she goes on and on about it, bringing it up at every argument.

 

I guess with how im feeling it may always feel like the only thing that will make you feel human again is to "fix things". Im not sleeping well, I barely eat as i cant keep it down, and I miss her so very much after speaking to her every day since we met. I kinda feel hopeless, and have no interest in looking at other girls.

 

this love thing is dangerous... And i don't really know which way to turn except grasp at straws and glimmers of hope at a new refreshed relationship with her

[theredpill]

Dude, you're absolutely right there is a need in us all to fix it, even when we know the signs are there, although it felt so right in the beginning.

 

 

I'll tell you from what I read, you seem kinda full on (that's okay you're still young) she feels like she's losing her freedom and it caused a lil drama so she doesn't want to deal with it, likely to get worse in her eyes. The attitude should have been something like this when she went out with her mates.... "Hmmm, okay if we'd booked something you'd be going over my knee young lady and not in the good way, let's just say you need to be really, really... nice to me when I see you next, have a great night sexy, say hey to your fit mates for me."

 

 

This show's you're quite happy being without her as with her (removing the neediness in her eyes you showed by being but hurt) and it's set's boundaries. Say you'd you organised something that cost time or money, she knows you'd pull her about it. It shows you respect her freedom and in return she'll like you more for it (and definitely repay you other ways). Also show's you're not jealous, you know she'll be all done up to the nines and you know you're her best option (like James Bond would think) so there's nothing to worry about is there?

 

 

Attempting to take away a woman's freedom is a major attraction killer, ask the women here even this would really make her question a future with you, it really can be as innocuous as this.

 

Put yourself in her shoes, who's the more attractive guy the one that's says yeah go have fun baby, whilst he goes and does something cool himself with his mates or the guy who moans about not spending enough time together?

 

We've all done it and if I can get this stuff down, you can too mister

Edited October 6, 2015 by theredpill

[Juzzy]

Dude, you're absolutely right there is a need in us all to fix it, even when we know the signs are there, although it felt so right in the beginning.

 

 

I'll tell you from what I read, you seem kinda full on (that's okay you're still young) she feels like she's losing her freedom and it caused a lil drama so she doesn't want to deal with it, likely to get worse in her eyes. The attitude should have been something like this when she went out with her mates.... "Hmmm, okay if we'd booked something you'd be going over my knee young lady and not in the good way, let's just say you need to be really, really... nice to me when I see you next, have a great night sexy, say hey to your fit mates for me."

 

 

This show's you're quite happy being without her as with her (removing the neediness in her eyes you showed by being but hurt) and it's set's boundaries. Say you'd you organised something that cost time or money, she knows you'd pull her about it. It shows you respect her freedom and in return she'll like you more for it (and definitely repay you other ways). Also show's you're not jealous, you know she'll be all done up to the nines and you know you're her best option (like James Bond would think) so there's nothing to worry about is there?

 

 

Attempting to take away a woman's freedom is a major attraction killer, ask the women here even this would really make her question a future with you, it really can be as innocuous as this.

 

Put yourself in her shoes, who's the more attractive guy the one that's says yeah go have fun baby, whilst he goes and does something cool himself with his mates or the guy who moans about not spending enough time together?

 

We've all done it and if I can get this stuff down, you can too mister

 

I know that's probably the answer i should have given, but I have had to give that answer so many time before. After we spoke 3 weeks back about the necessary changes we needed to make to allow us to flourish, i expected a bit more in return. One of those issues was to involve each other in our social lives with friends. Yes she is young in comparison and maybe her freedom with her friends is very important to her, but where do you accept it and where do you draw the line in realizing she may be trying to live 2 different lives (one with her mates and the other with me)?

[ExpatInItaly]

I know that's probably the answer i should have given, but I have had to give that answer so many time before. After we spoke 3 weeks back about the necessary changes we needed to make to allow us to flourish, i expected a bit more in return. One of those issues was to involve each other in our social lives with friends. Yes she is young in comparison and maybe her freedom with her friends is very important to her, but where do you accept it and where do you draw the line in realizing she may be trying to live 2 different lives (one with her mates and the other with me)?

 

That line was when you already had plans with her and then she changed her plans and essentially dis-invited you. That's a pretty clear indication of where her priorities were.

 

Out of curiosity, whose suggestion was it to involve each other in your respective social lives more? Yours or hers?

[Juzzy]

That line was when you already had plans with her and then she changed her plans and essentially dis-invited you. That's a pretty clear indication of where her priorities were.

 

Out of curiosity, whose suggestion was it to involve each other in your respective social lives more? Yours or hers?

 

When we initially had issues and decided to sit down and talk through issues, She mentioned that she loves going out with me but feels like most of the time she feels like i get jealous or don't go out as frequently as she would like. I told her that maybe if she invited me out more often then she would see that she is making assumptions.

 

side note: we both don't hit the club a lot, maybe 5 times a year.

 

Today has been a rough day for me though...im starting to get angry and frustrated that she hasn't reached out to talk things over. She agreed 4 days ago that we should but that she is too angry and emotional to get into it at the moment.

 

I recognize that we both have issues that bring conflict into our relationship, and i know it can be reconciled. Its just a matter of when do we get together once the dust has settled. her friend told me yesterday she went to see her and said she needs time and space to just think about everything and for the emotional drain to drop...

[Juzzy]

Update: 4 days since BU and 3 days NC

 

I had coffee yesterday with a mutual friend of ours. He just wanted to see how im doing. The way i was speaking about everything made him stop me and say

 

"Dude this relationship is done, and there is too much drama at the moment to even think of working things out. I've heard her side and your side and the best thing for you 2 to do is stay broken up. You are at different points in your lives and its creating arguments and a lot of frustration- what will change?"

 

I felt good after that, but once i woke up this morning i immediately felt miserable as i dreamt about her all night and how we were happy and together.

 

My heart says fight for her, you love her with all your heart and she loves you, but my brain and logic says right now this isn't healthy...

[Juzzy]

****Update****

 

Please bare with me for the script below. I really need sound advice

 

It has been 10 days since we broke up. 6 days NC and last friday i realized i needed to some how get my stuff from our flat (i moved out). messaged her and she was happy for me to get it. I asked if we could talk to clear the air as we had last spoken on bad terms after an argument. She said Monday would be good.

 

I went there on Monday, she hugged me hello, we asked how we had been and had a few laughs about certain things...Our photos were still up in the flat. We sat down, looked at each other and she started crying. I said stop. I spoke for about 10 minutes and said my piece and it was about owning up to my flaws (not highlighting hers) she cried throughout on and off as i spoke.

 

She then said the past week was sad and she needed friends to be there at the flat to comfort her but she also felt happy that she was able to see her mates without reporting to me or feeling guilty about spending time with them. She said from the sounds of what i said that i was hopeful for reconciliation. I said I hoped that we could work on things together if she was open to that and extremely slowly - no titles. She looked very confused and said she doesn't think she is ready to commit to this. she hugged me at this point while crying and held my hand

 

I asked her if she would like me for me to move on and she needed to understand that there would be NC and I will move on, or is there chance to reconcile...she immediately said, "i dont know what i want and i feel pressurized by you now" so i backed off. she calmed down and said she doesnt want to me get my hopes up.

 

I've been seeing a therapist for my insecurity. he had asked me to try bring her in if she was willing. I asked her and she totally agreed to come with...but sad "I am coming with you as your friend or ex" with a smile on her face. it was more jovial now... So i sad maybe we could go for dinner this week to chat, and maybe she could come see my new cats...she asked "as your friend and ex?" so said yes...she then winked and sad "Maybe, Ill think about it" I left and said i will contact her tomorrow about the therapist appt. Our mutual friend contacted me 5 mins after i left and said my ex had called her and said I had just come over, and after We spoke she felt very confused and thought she knew what she wanted but after hearing what i sad , she didnt know anymore what she wanted

 

phoned the next day and set up appt. Messaged her later that day to tell her about time and she was happy with that and i thanked her for being willing and she said its a pleasure. I told her she could park at my office and we could drive together because she doesnt know the area and is very bad with directions, to which she replied Ill meet you at the therapist, just send me directions. I said I would tomorrow (today) and then said good night ...she ignored that totally...

 

I cant help but feel Hope, I know she is playing a great game of being emotionally disconnected. I just really have only felt better since that day because she was willing to come with. But her lack of emotion since has made me think she has let go and is not very keen to work things out. My mind gets positive and then negative and then angry. Im the only one reaching out right now... HELP

Edited October 14, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
merged threads

[Sad_potato]

Hi Juzzy!

 

 

I read this post and your break up story - there's lot of similarities to my break up and things that happened after it. Me and my ex bf also lived together and fought a lot over tiny little things, like keeping up the household. Also there are bigger stuff behind all this, such as my ex being unemployed for a year now and me being overly jealous and controlling.

 

The break up started when my ex was asking for a time to be alone, which I took as a step back and I couldn't stand the idea. He said he doesn't want to break up but I took it as that was the case. I couldn't let him go. This led in to a huge fight and after that he broke up with me.

 

Your ex gf is young woman, just like me. What I get from your break up story is that maybe she's afraid to commit in such young age. Did she have any boyfriends or one night stands before you? Maybe she needs to experience the world a bit. But as you said you're both in love with each other and if your relationship was good I bet she will bounce back to you, but this might take a lot of time.

 

My ex has also said that he sees it's possible we get back together in the future if I work on my issues. I asked him how long he thinks it might be. He said that it's gonna take 1-2 months that he's able to speak with me and maybe spring 2016 would be a time to get back together. He said he's willing to wait that long. It's been a month now and I have gone LC. One day he said that he would like to get messages from me. And yesterday when I was packing my stuff from our apartment he said that I have been annoying during our break up, there was anger in his voice. It might be that he was disappointed that I never really contacted him. I don't want to do that because I'm pretty sure he's dating a new girl.

 

I guess we just have to let them go. We cannot do anything to change their minds, we can only push them further away. I think I'm going for NC after I move out and I would recommend that to you too. Don't give her the pleasure that you're still available for her even tho she goes for her adventures.

Edited October 14, 2015 by Sad_potato

[Juzzy]

The ex has had a couple boyfriends before me and has hooked up alot as a teenager (Something she always told me she regretted and blamed on her immaturity).

 

I feel like im holding onto our session with the therapist tomorrow to identify if things would ever work.the therapist seems to think its a positive sign and there is hope considering the circumstances and her willingness to come along. She is resistant i think because her core group of mates are very much "buttering her bread" to help her instead of being honest. thats fine, friends do that and so have mine. I just tend to listen my heart and take advice but make decisions myself whereas she is easily influenced.

 

I keep thinking that she wouldn't have agreed to attend my therapy session if she didn't think there was a chance for reconciliation. That is what gives me hope that i can reach out to her. I know actions speak louder than words re. my attitude but I can only show her if she gives me that chance.

 

I dont want to have hope if i should be taking the negative signs as indication to let go and move on... I AM SO CONFUSED!!!

[Sad_potato]

Well of course therapist session with her is a big deal. The therapist could be able to see what's behind all of her actions. And explain it to you and her. My ex has also agreed to come to therapy with me at least once, I haven't set a date yet tho.

 

Even if she's not ready for the relationship right now, you might have good chance later. If you're willing to give it a time. I know it's hard to cling on such a small hope. That's what I'm doing too. My ex acts so inconsistently it's hard to know what he's really up to.

[Juzzy]

Thanks for the advice! Yeah my only thing is that either i let go entirely and move on or I wait... I cant wait. The mixed signals are whats making me sick...I have barely eaten in 10 days. Also giving them time and space is for their benefit and not mine. I personally couldnt get over her coming back to me after a few months and she has been with other men...the thought makes me physically sick.

 

Any other opinions would be appreciated. I could do with as many opinions and insight as possible

[Meli22]

I think taking her to your therpist session is a terrible idea. You've basically pressured her into going with you when one of the reasons she left you was due to feeling pressurised by you. Unless this was a joint session as a couple, and she has highlighted the fact that it would be as a friend/ex, I really don't see the point. You contacting her about appointments etc is just adding to the pressure too. You need to go ZERO contact. Completely dissapear from her life. It's you clinging on to these things that will stop you from making any progress at all. Her confusion doesn't mean anything. Unless she is asking for you back, you can't read into anything at all and the only test is time. Time apart and time without any contact whatsoever.

[Juzzy]

I think taking her to your therpist session is a terrible idea. You've basically pressured her into going with you when one of the reasons she left you was due to feeling pressurised by you. Unless this was a joint session as a couple, and she has highlighted the fact that it would be as a friend/ex, I really don't see the point. You contacting her about appointments etc is just adding to the pressure too. You need to go ZERO contact. Completely dissapear from her life. It's you clinging on to these things that will stop you from making any progress at all. Her confusion doesn't mean anything. Unless she is asking for you back, you can't read into anything at all and the only test is time. Time apart and time without any contact whatsoever.

 

I see what you mean. We are going to the therapist as a couple that just broke up. It was the therapists idea. I simply said to her that if she would like to come with me then that would be ok, and she agreed.

 

I sound like every broken-hearted person I know. I guess im hanging on to tomorrows session to gauge where she is coming from objectively in front of the therapist. Its all I have left i guess. When i told her that if there was no chance of reconciliation from her side, i told her that I would have to seize all contact from her. She looked at me very confused as to why I would want that. And said right now she doesnt really know if she wants that or not

[Juzzy]

So this morning we went to the therapist together.

 

It was good to get an objective opinion from the therapist and he mediated very well. She clearly saw that i was making an effort to better myself (i am a very insecure person which leads to being needy and clingy and at times controlling). These reason added to living together were what made our relationship unhealthy and led to the break up.

 

She heard me out and appreciated the effort and the therapist admitted it takes a lot for a guy in my position to admit my short falls. She explained that although she wants to believe that I will be a better person and boyfriend going forward but she cant believe what I am saying as in the 2.5 years we were together she only knows that guy that was insecure and needy and cant picture someone different as great as it sounds.

 

I did exclaim that the only way i could prove it to her was if she allowed me to show her. The therapist did say that 2 weeks into the break up that its too soon to make these kinda decisions and that we need our alone time to process emotions and let what has been said sink in and recommended NC.

 

After the session she started asking me personally in the car about how things would be different and gave hypothetical situations. I told her that I will show her and that all i needed was the chance to do so. She started yo yo-ing, optimistic and giving me yes ok, then quickly jumping to no no, i need time. she ended by saying, "maybe I need some time to be alone to feel what it's like to not have you around and also to see if you can respect my space to make this decision to give us a 2nd chance" She was extremely confused but all i can put that down to is her trying to process what all had just been said and not understanding.

 

We are in NC for now. the psych has given her his email to allow her to communicate her feelings that will aid my progression and development through therapy.

 

I know most people here are very anti all this stuff but right now I need constructive input into making this right. I stuffed up by being CLINGY, NEEDY and controlling. I am going to make myself better for myself but I DO want to get that second chance to show her that I can be this guy i used to be for her. She is so doubtful...how do i do this? I am staying NC by the way