Struggling to decide what to reply with

[brokenguy89]

Some history here: I was with my ex for several years. During the final year we were living together in an apartment, and things seemed to be going well. 2 months ago she had to move to a different country into a work-funded apartment and I was looking forward to moving there with her (when she found a flat for us).

 

I had booked a holiday to go see her which we were both pretty excited about. She was frequently messaging me, and every now and then she would send me links to flats to see what I thought. She would message me about going out with her new work friends and how much fun she was having, etc. I (stupidly) started getting really jealous about this, then she started messaging me less, which started making me message her more, asking her about everything... I realize this was idiotic and totally wrong on my part. I still don't know why I did it.

 

The last 2 days before i was due to go over we talked and she said she doesn't know if shes still attracted to me. I was absolutely destroyed, it seemed so sudden to me, but I still took the flight. It was really awkward the first few days, but we are both nice people, and we talked about it a lot. I did the usual thing, saying I can change, give me a chance, etc, but none of it helped. I decided to just accept it so we can enjoy the rest of the week, and we did. We started having fun together like the old times, but i still had that sick feeling.

 

I decided to start reading about coping and no contact whilst i was still there, and I've learnt a lot. Before I left I told her she made the right decision and I had to make some major changes in my life. That's when I decided to start no contact.

 

My coping mechanism has basically been this massive drive to change my life (for myself). I've quit my dead end job and started learning something new. I made this list of things I want to change (pursue a career I enjoy, start exercising, spending more time with friends, etc). The thing is I'm on a deadline, eventually she will need to come back here and pick up her stuff. So I want to change, for myself, but I also want the opportunity to prove that I've changed. I don't expect her to take me back with open arms, but I also want to show her I was serious about changing and that I want to, to improve my life.

 

Unfortunately it has only been 4 days and I've had very little time to enact anything other than leaving my job. I haven't blocked her on anything, and she messages me "Hey". I waited until the end of the day and replied "hi". She asked how I was, I again waited until the next day and said im alright, you? She replies with shes been better and that it's funny the weather goes bad when i left.

 

What do I reply to that with, nothing? Is this a good idea? I don't want to flat out ignore her as I think she will take it as rude and just think I'm being a douche. Like I said we are both really nice people and were are always polite to others. But I don't know how I should be responding, and I'm afraid she's trying to friend zone me already. I am not the one initiating contact, she is.

 

It doesn't really make sense as during the week I was there she was acting like she was totally over me already. As soon as I left she immediately changed her relationship status.

Edited October 6, 2015 by brokenguy89

[louxor]

This just seems like useless small talk to me. If I were you I wouldn't bother continuing the conversation, it'll only keep her on your mind and hold you back.

[brokenguy89]

Thanks louxor. I took your advice and it got me through the day. Unfortunately today is a new day and she decided to message me to ask if I wanted to chat with her tonight.

 

I already have plans to go shopping for a new wardrobe with my awesome sister which I'm really looking forward to. The way I see it, I have a few options.

 

Reply (later in the day) with "I can't, I'm busy tonight"

Reply (later in the day) with "what about?"

Ignore her.

 

Like I said earlier I don't want to be rude. She has never been rude to me and still hasn't been, so the ignore option is difficult. Is it the best?

 

edit: I should clarify by chat she means Skype since she's not in the same country now.

Edited October 7, 2015 by brokenguy89

[Mrlovahlovah]

honestly i would go with something along the lines of " Sorry i'm a bit busy tonight, other than that, i'm not sure us keeping contact is a good idea".

 

it's not rude, you're basically setting the ground for a mutual agreed NC while gaining a slightly upper hand, which doesn't count for much except for some ego points, but even those are important at this stage.

[PegNosePete]

The last 2 days before i was due to go over we talked and she said she doesn't know if shes still attracted to me.

...

 

That's when I decided to start no contact.

Err, sorry I'm confused.

She said she doesn't know if she's attracted to you any more, then you went to see her (you're still a couple at this point right? She didn't actually dump you?)

 

And then when you get home you just decide to NC her?

 

Does she think you're still a couple, or what? Has there been a dumping even??

 

As soon as I left she immediately changed her relationship status.

To what?

[Shock148]

Err, sorry I'm confused.

She said she doesn't know if she's attracted to you any more, then you went to see her (you're still a couple at this point right? She didn't actually dump you?)

 

And then when you get home you just decide to NC her?

 

Does she think you're still a couple, or what? Has there been a dumping even??

 

 

To what?

 

Anytime a girlfriend tells you she isn't attracted to you anymore and as he stated when he was there with her she acted as if she was totally over him. That pretty much says it all. Her actions states she dumped him. You don't need a women to tell you "im dumping you or it's over" for you to know it is. Actions speaks louder than words.

 

As for the OP, I would just state the truth, "sorry I have plans tonight, I cannot."

[singme2sleep]

If she's not saying "I want you back" then why is she bothering to talk to you? It's not fair.

[dumbass2]

Sounds like you want a relationship with her still and she doesn't know what she wants. Didn't get the feeling there was an official break up, but her actions do show that. I think it would be best for you to let her know that you two shouldn't stay in contact if she isn't sure what she wants. You can't be there for her when ever she is going to feel the need. I get a sense that she wants to keep you around for attention or if she gets lonely and things aren't going well meeting other guys. Try your best not to set yourself up as plan B or C or D and the way to do that is to be upfront with what you want and if you're not on the same page, then you put it out there and don't stay in contact and work on improving yourself which you want to do regardless.

[brokenguy89]

An update to this, I ended up replying "can't tonight" later that day, but she didn't respond at all. Wondering if I upset her I caved to weakness and sent her another message saying "sorry", to which she replied "its ok".

 

The next day I must have lost a portion of my rational brain because I started messaging her about GIGS, and linking her articles to it, which unsurprisingly didn't seem to help anything. No harsh words were said, but we ended up agreeing that a period of no contact would be best for both of us, as described in the GIGS articles.

 

So now instead of having her message me and thinking about me we have a mutual agreed silence which she seems to be sticking to. I feel like this isn't going to help in regards to making her think better of me or if shes making a mistake, I think I've just lowered myself on the quality bar

 

Now I feel like I need to contact her, where as before I didn't feel that urge. The feeling comes and goes throughout the day, but I know it would be the worst mistake. I'm frequently checking my phone hoping that maybe shes contacted me, but no such luck. It feels like one massive mind game and I hate it.

 

As of now I'm just trying my best to get on with life. My sister has been helping me a lot, hugging and comforting me when I feel the need to cry, but shes not always around, and sometimes I find myself alone with my thoughts.

 

I'm going to try rekindle some old friendships from Facebook in the hopes of finding someone interested in going on a night out. But I neglected and lost a lot of friends over the years, so it's not easy.

[Wally Bee]

I'm still learning the ways around heartbreak and how to cope. There are a lot of things I have researched and I've learned one thing. Relationships, love, and breakups.... are counter-intuitive. As a guy (sometimes women) have a tendency to try to reason and logic but unfortunately love doesn't work off reason. I have found no amount of research, no amount of articles, no amount of logic will help me get closure unless you start listening to what people are saying and actually do those things. Like, bettering yourself, spending time with friends, etc. The only thing you can do or control is you. Relationships are a two person challenge, and not one like i tried to do. Anyways, sorry i got off topic. What i'm trying to say is you probably shouldn't try to explain GIGS to her, that's a form of trying to reason with her and logic your way back to the life that is no longer the same. I've been NC for little over 3 weeks and all I see now is after this heartbreak that I will never be the same, and she will never be the same to me. The only chance we'll ever be "us" again, if that is even an option is if we fall in love again with each other many months, even years down the road. But by then, we should hope we find things better than they were and the past will be just that, the past. I do believe GIGS can be overcome, but it take a lot of time, indifference and gratitude. She'll never appreciate what she lost until she is done kissing frogs. I'm the guy that always tried to treat my SO right and enrich their lives, they leave me usually for some guy that's the opposite of me (the typical "bad boy"). In the years that I've been on this earth, do you know how many of those girls have tried to come back and told me they should've stayed with me? That they are jealous of the life that I've lived and how they wish they were in it. So I'd like to believe I did a damn good job making my presence one that people will miss when I'm gone. You can do the same thing, it's the best revenge that you'll never really care about having later. If she has GIGS, she's no longer seeing the things you had as great, she no longer appreciates the life you had and no amount of reason nor logic will fix that for her. Just know there are a lot of frogs out there and not lose your cool and move on. NC is the best thing that I've didn't want to follow, I feel better slowly each day that she doesn't come up. break NC and you'll get resetted easily.

 

Sorry about the rant, i'm still working through my stuff as well. If I'm wrong anywhere I'd like to know so that I can fix it as well ... or dispute it. Listen to the people on here. I'd like to leave you with the most important things that I have found.

 

There?s Breakups And Then There?s Heartbreak | Thought Catalog

 

"I have the capacity for Greatness"

 

"Not everyone you lose is a loss, unless it's me. then you f'd up"

 

"One day they'll realize they lost a diamond while playing with worthless stones" (and they almost always do, whether they admit it or not)

 

"Don't think too much. You'll end up creating a problem that wasn't even there in the first place. "

 

"A mistake done more than once, is a decision"

 

"Often it's the deepest pain which empowers you to grow into your highest self"

Edited October 11, 2015 by Wally Bee

[Oli.]

There's another guy, wake up.

[mightycpa]

I'm still learning the ways around heartbreak and how to cope.

Luckily for the OP, I've done it a million times...and I'm an expert.

 

You are making quite a few mistakes, and these mistakes seem to be out of weakness, rather than ignorance. I understand your purpose here. You are clinging to the unfounded belief that you can somehow get back into a permanent relationship with her. By "unfounded", I mean that you have no basis for believing that other than your own belief...and belief might be the wrong term - maybe it's actually false hope.

 

I'm not going to rehash all the stuff you've done wrong. Basically, you can identify that as all the stuff you've done with her since you got the boot. All of it. But, what's done is done, so let's talk about the future.

 

You have some problems:

 

1) You have not cut off all lines of communication.

2) You still have her stuff.

3) You think that if you do the things that you need to do, then you are going to drive her away. Your problem is that you don't realize that she is already driven "away".

 

Yeah, that's pretty much it. Let's take care of each one.

 

1) Block her everywhere. Make yourself difficult to contact; make it such that she has to make a significant effort to get in touch with you. In addition to that, tell all your friends that you don't want to know what she's doing, and if they hear anything, to leave you out of it. Ditto for any mutual friends.

 

2) Speaking of mutual friends, find one you can unload all of her stuff onto. Explain to the friend that you two have broken up, and you are not the Monthly Storage facility. If she doesn't have any friends (RED FLAG!) then place her stuff in the local Monthly Storage facility, and pay for the first month (sometimes you can get a deal for only a dollar for the first month's rent). Send her an email note that explains what you've done with her stuff, that the rental office is expecting her call, and that you're happy to surrender the key to anyone of her choosing.

 

I already know that you're going to recoil over that one. Those are your false hope instincts overriding your reason. The fact is you don't owe her anything, including continuing to serve as the unpaid bailee for her abandoned goods.

 

3) Here's the dealio, my friend. You can quit your dead-end job, get a better one, start training for a career with excellent prospects, eat better, workout, run, read books, learn to play piano and do all sorts of things to "prove" that you're a changed man. But real change takes time, and the proof is in the doing... not for a couple of weeks, but for years. The fact that you need to prove it says that you haven't changed a bit, and that's not surprising at this point. But you won't convince her when she sees the "new you" in one month, or even six. She'll still see the same old guy she knows all too well.

 

You also fear that if you cut off contact, that she's going to think horrible things about you. The fact is that she probably won't think of you at all, and that's because she doesn't want to think about you. How do I know this?

 

The last 2 days before i was due to go over we talked and she said she doesn't know if shes still attracted to me. I was absolutely destroyed, it seemed so sudden to me, but I still took the flight. It was really awkward the first few days, but we are both nice people, and we talked about it a lot. I did the usual thing, saying I can change, give me a chance, etc, but none of it helped.

She's not interested. When's the last time you thought a lot about something you aren't interested in? There you go.

 

I know this is difficult, but you need to stop thinking in terms of "us" and begin thinking in terms of "you". This is the first change that she'll take any notice of, if she's inclined to notice anything. She's chosen to sever her love relationship with you, and I hope you'll agree that this is a choice that should have some real consequences. You need to deliver those consequences starting today.

 

Don't be weak. Weakness will drag this out and make you feel bad for longer. Be strong, and weather the misery while it lasts. You'll be much better for the effort on the other end.

Edited October 11, 2015 by mightycpa