CatcherintheRye Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 (edited) Hi there! I'm having a little trouble balancing all the things going on in my life. It's just, lately I've felt really lonely. I feel like work and school takes up a lot of my time and then the rest I either spend with my boyfriend or studying or family. It's got me feeling friendless. I wish I could say I've had a really successful relationship dynamic in the past to go off of it at least a good role model couple, but I have neither. My question is: how do you balance boyfriend and friends? I want to maintain relationships with the few friends I still have without sacrificing relationships with anyone else, especially the boyfriend. I mean, how often do you go out with friends? How often alone? How often with your boyfriend AND friends? What's healthy? With our work schedules, we only have Saturday's off together so we usually just spend the day together, just us on most occasions. Is that...bad? (For lack of a better word) And how do you plan things with other people on days like that? Would it hurt their feelings to say something like, "I've got to go at this time because my boyfriend and I have plans." I just don't want them to feel like I'm always putting my boyfriend first and vice versa. I know it's a lot, but your responses are much appreciated! Edited October 6, 2015 by CatcherintheRye
TheBathWater Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 Hi there! I'm having a little trouble balancing all the things going on in my life. It's just, lately I've felt really lonely. I feel like work and school takes up a lot oft time and then the rest I either spend with my boyfriend or studying or family. It's got me feeling friendless. I wish I could say I've had a really successful relationship dynamic in the past to go off of it at least a good role model couple, but I have neither. My question is: how do you balance boyfriend and friends? I mean, how often do you go out with friends? How often alone? How often with your boyfriend AND friends? What's healthy? With our work schedules, we only have Saturday's off together so we usually just spend the day together, just us on most occasions. Is that...bad? (For lack of a better word) And how do you plan things with other people on days like that? Would it hurt their feelings to say something like, "I've got to go at this time because my boyfriend and I have plans." I just don't want them to feel like I'm always putting my boyfriend first and vice versa. I know it's a lot, but your responses are much appreciated! As in most answers to complex questions, mine for you is "it depends". I don't see anything 'bad' about spending all of Saturdays together. In fact, when I am seeing someone seriously, I LOVE spending entire weekends together - dinging out, watching movies, going shopping, making art at home, making love all night/morning, drinking wine, cuddling, etc... There's nothing wrong with making clear to your friends that you are in a relationship and that is usually going to be your priority. This is expected. Of course, there may be occasions where you want to put your friends first (birthdays, special outings/celebrations), but it is normal to prioritize your love life first if the relationship is serious. They may feel envious, and that's normal. Just be sure to still see/talk to them and not forget about them. 1
Author CatcherintheRye Posted October 6, 2015 Author Posted October 6, 2015 As in most answers to complex questions, mine for you is "it depends". I don't see anything 'bad' about spending all of Saturdays together. In fact, when I am seeing someone seriously, I LOVE spending entire weekends together - dinging out, watching movies, going shopping, making art at home, making love all night/morning, drinking wine, cuddling, etc... There's nothing wrong with making clear to your friends that you are in a relationship and that is usually going to be your priority. This is expected. Of course, there may be occasions where you want to put your friends first (birthdays, special outings/celebrations), but it is normal to prioritize your love life first if the relationship is serious. They may feel envious, and that's normal. Just be sure to still see/talk to them and not forget about them. Gotcha. We have a mutual friend who is constantly going out with his friends and his live-in girlfriend. I just get worried that maybe tha fact we hardly go out and do things in groups like that is unhealthy. I also just don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by making it seem like they're unimportant! But if it's well-known that serious relationships usually get priority, that relieves some of my worries.
shet Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 People who prioritise romantic relationships over their friends lose in the long run. The healthiest relationships I've encountered make time for both - either they both maintain their own friendships well, or often they mutually make time for each others friends. The unhealthiest relationships I've seen are the classic codependent, all day every day together situations. You can't hang your social life on one person and only appear in other peoples lives for special occasions.
d0nnivain Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 In my late teens & early 20s I'd see friends at least once per week. Fridays were for friends & Saturdays for boyfriends. As we all got older & BF's turned into husbands & kids entered the picture, I still tried to see friends once per month but even that was hard. A few years ago, a group of girl friends bought season tickets (6 tickets over the year) to a local theater company so we had a financial commitment to seeing each other every two months. That worked well for a few years. I don't remember why we stopped.
Author CatcherintheRye Posted October 7, 2015 Author Posted October 7, 2015 When I'm at work he'll see his friends and when he's at work I'll see mine occasionally. I'm honestly not a social person plus I'm busy with work and school. I like staying in most days anyway and he seems to usually like the same. Sometimes we'll go out together with family or something. Usually it's with family, sometimes it's with friends. I mean, is any of that not healthy? Seeing friends in the time the other is working or at school? It's a serious relationship and I place it in the priority category.
hippychick3 Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 Actually, this has become somewhat of an issue for me. I'm in a long distance relationship in which we see each other every other weekend. When he comes here (we alternate), my close girlfriend wants to hang out with us. She asks what we are doing and gets hurt or offended if we don't invite her along at some point during the weekend. The problem is that we just don't want to! We love our time together and don't want to share it with others given that it's so limited. In the last few months, we have attended several events for his friends and family (weddings, showers, bday parties). So, my friend knows this and thinks that he and I should spend more time with my friends too. I see my friends enough when he's not here so usually don't feel compelled to share my weekend with them when he's here. Anyway, here and there we do invite her to join us for dinner or brunch or to hang out here and drink with us in the backyard. But, she expects it every time. 1
Author CatcherintheRye Posted October 7, 2015 Author Posted October 7, 2015 I would love opinions or advice.
d0nnivain Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 Unless you are actively blowing off your friends for your BF, it's not a huge problem but do remember that all relationships need to be nurtured so do at least make contact with friends periodically. Perhaps throw a party with your BF so you can see everybody.
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