Cora Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 I'm sitting here thinking tonight of all my past relationships...especially the most recent one. I am seeing a pattern in how the relationships end and it's the same way every time. I'm just trying to make sense of it all so that I can change this pattern. I have no desire to date again at this point or anytime soon. I'm too hurt to even think about it. But I'm hoping you guys can help me make sense of this all and provide some much needed advice so that I can change this routine in case I ever lose my mind and decide dating again is a good idea. I've noticed in each of my relationships (whether they are much of a relationship or not) I always always always get left the same way. Things are going great and then BAM!...the guy drops off the face of the planet with no goodbye and no explanation. And if I inquire enough they finally come up with some lie about working too much, health issues, grandmothers being on their deathbeds etc. and that they need space. And that's that and I never hear from them again. What happened to "hey listen..I'm not feeling this relationship anymore and I'd like to explore other options?"...or whatever the case may be? I swear I would not be mad at them. I'd be hurt of course, but I'd wish them well and then go home and cry my eyes out. This whole disappearing act hurts me so much more though. It makes me feel like I'm worthless and non-deserving of a reason or a simple goodbye. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take which is why I'm so hesitant to date...especially now after my most recent breakup four months ago. I'm so damn afraid I'm going to date them, get attached and then out of nowhere get left AGAIN with no explanation or goodbye. Each one of these guys had other girls lined up before they left me. I did find out that much. What gets me though is the girl after me they seem to treat so much better and 2 of them they actually got married to and have kids etc. For example, my most recent ex...his new girl and him are planning a big out of town trip together. She has also met his mom who seems to love her. I never met his mom, any of his family, friends etc. We also never went on the first trip together. It was always just out to dinner, dinner at home, game night at each others places or spending the night with each other. Makes me feel like I'm always just some girl on the side. Like I'm just being used by him until he finds his dream girl then it's "dump Cora time!" It's very hurtful to me which is why I want to find out what I am doing wrong. I mean it must be me since I've had this done by several guys. Obviously I'm not the girl these guys get serious about and I don't understand what it is these other women they find have that I don't? Maybe I'm not attractive enough for them, exciting enough, outgoing enough, witty enough or confident enough??? I just don't know, but something I'm doing or not doing is causing me to be just the girl on the side/the 2nd choice/the back burner girl/the non serious relationship girl...or whatever you want to call it. I'm not asking for a marriage proposal...just a guy who wants to get serious about me as much as I do him. And if I'm gonna get left, I'd at the very least like a goodbye even if they can't give me a reason why. I mean am I really not special enough to them to deserve a goodbye? I wish somehow I could ask each of my exes what it was about me that made them leave or made them not want to get serious with me? So that I could fix the issue. I'll be 33 in November and I have never been in a serious relationship. I'm talking one in which a guy wants you around for long term. One in which they open up to you and share you with his friends and family and not keep you hidden like some dirty little secret. A lot of people I know my age and younger are in serious relationships or are married with kids. I feel like I'm being left behind because I'll always just be "2nd best." This is normally what happens to me when I start to date someone long term which doesn't happen very often. It takes a lot to even get to that point for me. Usually I just go on one or 2 dates and then that's the end of that. Anyway, any advice or insight anyone could provide would be much appreciated! I'd really like to fix this issue so this will stop happening. I'm tired of starting over just to fail again and again the same way every time. I'm exhausted, hurt and tired of trying.
Maverick11 Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 Well, I feel you're connecting too many things and thinking too much about this because of your recent break up. See, there's no way in hell that the same thing pissed off all of them. The pattern which you're talking about could be a coincidence or your conjecture. If they had reasons maybe some of them were actually true and others could be a pretense to get you off their back. Whatever be the cause that's no reason for you to feel like a second choice or unwanted. However, if you're still feeling that way the best you can do is work on yourself. See, right now you're in the phase when you're sort of obsessing about your exes or their relationships, that's only because you feel you're not good enough or they have shattered your confidence. I read this somewhere it might help you : If you are a short mountain and looking up at a very tall mountain you might think "Damn, I'm so short, I'll never be as tall or mighty as that mountain up there." But if you start building stuff on your mountain and improving your own mountain, you'll start thinking "Man, **** that tall mountain, I'm so awesome here on my little mountain. So just work on yourself to become a better person and be the best version of yourself and you'll find the special someone who'll want to spend the rest of your life with you and everything will fall in place but don't change yourself for others just grow! Best wishes 1
ByMyself01 Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 I feel the same way except every guy I've been with hasn't left me. About 4 of them did. 2 were long-term relationships and the other 2 were very short-term (less than a month). I feel like no guy ever loved me enough to stay. I tried to reflect and re-evaluate myself to see what the problem is. Some family members say that I am too controlling and I would say that's part of the problem but it is due to things that a partner shouldn't be doing anyways. For instance, cheating, flirting with other women online and talking to me crazy. I ALWAYS put my foot down with these men and eventually they fled. I guess I will be without a man forever because I don't tolerate disrespect and to some men, that means I'm controlling.
Lilac Love Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 For instance, cheating, flirting with other women online and talking to me crazy. I ALWAYS put my foot down with these men and eventually they fled. I guess I will be without a man forever because I don't tolerate disrespect and to some men, that means I'm controlling. Real men are not intimidated by this. 2
Christos Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 (edited) I feel the same way except every guy I've been with hasn't left me. About 4 of them did. 2 were long-term relationships and the other 2 were very short-term (less than a month). I feel like no guy ever loved me enough to stay. I tried to reflect and re-evaluate myself to see what the problem is. Some family members say that I am too controlling and I would say that's part of the problem but it is due to things that a partner shouldn't be doing anyways. For instance, cheating, flirting with other women online and talking to me crazy. I ALWAYS put my foot down with these men and eventually they fled. I guess I will be without a man forever because I don't tolerate disrespect and to some men, that means I'm controlling. 1) If some family members have already told you that you are too controlling, YOU ARE. Family member always tend to stroke our ego. If they have already discussed this with you, they know something... 2) You should never "put your foot down" on men. You are a woman, not a man. You are supposed to love them, not fight with them for supremacy. 3) I don't know if you are religious, and it doesn't matter, since it still somewhat applies: In the Bible, God commands men to love their wives, and women to respect their husbands. He doesn't command men to respect their wives (mainly because love already includes that) and He doesn't command women to love men (mainly because they are incapable of that- their unconditional love is mostly for their children). While you may not believe in God, or the God of the Bible at least, this lesson still applies because societies lived by these rules for thousands of years... There is a reason for this... You can also read this : Your husband doesn't have to earn your respect - The Matt Walsh Blog Edited October 6, 2015 by Christos
Author Cora Posted October 6, 2015 Author Posted October 6, 2015 Thanks for the replies! I'm just sitting here trying to wrack my brain as to when things started to go awry with my most recent ex. Trying to figure out what I could have done or didn't do to cause him to feel this way towards me and want to leave. When he could have met this current woman he's with. Deep down I know it doesn't really matter when he met her...I'm just trying to piece the puzzle together because I am so confused, dumbfounded, shocked and have sooo many unanswered questions. When I think back, I did notice right before he went MIA. The last night I saw him he came over to my place. He normally hung out at my place on the weekends and would spend just about every Saturday night with me on the Saturdays when he did not have to work. The thing is he would normally come over around 6 or 7. We'd have dinner like we always did, watch a movie or 2 and play a board game until we got tired. Then we'd go to bed. He'd always leave Sunday morning to go home and rest up, get things done etc. before work because he worked Sunday nights. Well that particular last Saturday I saw him before he went MIA I found it strange that he left around 1 or 2 in the morning instead of his usual 9 or 10 a.m. When I asked why he was leaving so early he just simply very nonchalantly said he was behind on his laundry and needed to get it done before the work week. I found this very odd looking back on it now because laundry was never a problem before and he'd always stay the entire night. I'm wondering now if he had other plans possibly to meet up with his now girlfriend or perhaps he really did have laundry because his normal laundry day was spent with her. I know none of that really matters. I just can't turn off my mind. I keep thinking of him and her and the two of them together...sharing a bed etc. It makes me sick to know that he was probably sleeping with her the same time he was sleeping with me. I also noticed that he has since deleted his profile from the dating site we met on. The whole time we were together he kept his profile up. He just never logged on. I never said anything to him about it because I still had mine up to. I guess I was just waiting for the conversation to come up, but it never did. If he would have asked I would have gladly taken my profile down because he was the only guy I wanted. I'm just so hurt by the things he does for her that he did not do for me. He took down his dating profile for her, introduced her to his family and friends, takes her on trips. All things we never did together. He never even friended me on Facebook or even asked if I had one. I never sent him a friend request anyway of course, but had hoped that he would. I was never an initiator. I sometimes wonder if my shyness was what hurt me. I was slowly little by little opening up to him more and more, but perhaps I wasn't acting quickly enough. Maybe he was looking for someone more outgoing. There is so much he doesn't know about me...so much I wanted to share with him, but will never get the chance to now. So many things he likes about this new girl are things that I poses, but wasn't given the chance to show him. I'm saddened because October was the month I first met him. October of last year that is. Now he shares his life with someone new and I'm only left with the memories. We spent the Christmas holidays together last year. NYE was the most magical night I've ever had. I'll never forget that night he cooked dinner for me and how he was so nervous because he wanted everything to be perfect and it was. All the nights we stayed up laughing at funny movies and having Scrabble marathons. The way he held me in his arms as I fell asleep. Simple things like calling to see if I needed a ride home from work even though it was out of his way. Texting me just to see how my week was going or to say that he missed me. All of that gone down the drain in an instant. How did this happen? Where did things with me end and this new girl begin? How does he act so loving to me over all these months and then in an instant erase me from his mind and replace me with someone else? I'm just sickened, saddened, lost and confused. There has been NC for 4 months and I still feel the pain just like it was yesterday. I want to talk to him so badly, but if I'm ever to get my say it will have to be from him initiating contact because I won't/can't do it. I miss him and love him so much and yet at the same time am so very angry at him and at myself for being so naive and believing every word he told me. I had no reason not to believe him. I had never caught him in a lie before...but I guess all it takes is once. I don't know if I'm even making sense at this point. It's probably just pointless babble. I just needed to vent...to let it all out. It's been several weeks since I've cried over him, but today I cried...I cried a lot. The kind of cry where your eyes get all puffy, face is red and you can't breathe through your nose. I just couldn't hold it in any longer. I still foolishly hold out hope that I'll hear from him someday in the future and get all the answers that I so desperately seek now. However, at this moment in time he seems blissfully happy with this woman. He always told me how he was hard to get close to, but he seemed to have no trouble letting this woman in. Sigh...I'm driving myself crazy with these thoughts. All I wanted to do was love him, but he did not want my love. It's a bitter pill to swallow.
contel3 Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 1) 2) You should never "put your foot down" on men. You are a woman, not a man. You are supposed to love them, not fight with them for supremacy. This just made me cringe. It is possible that she is too controlling, we can't know that. But in general, if a guy treats you with disrespect you do need to put your foot down! Either that or leave. Women are no doormats and shouldn't be expected to love their husbands without questioning how they themselves are being treated in return. 1
idoltree Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 When you notice the same pattern in your relationships, the common denominator is you. It is likely a combination of being attracted to the character traits that would allow someone the potential to treat you that way (i.e. you are selecting them) and that you create what you most fear. So if you are choosing guys that have the potential to treat you this way, then you are likely trying to prove something to yourself. There is something familiar about them that draws you in, but familiar doesn't mean good, particularly if you have a dysfunctional family history/daddy issues. Then, once in the relationship, you start worrying "this always happens to me." and you start acting and reacting to your anxiety in a way that creates your reality. For example, if my boyfriend is afraid that every woman controls him and criticizes him, he's going to overreact to everything that I say that even resembles criticism, when that's not at all what I intended. We might end up arguing over something because of the way he interpreted/perceived it, when that interpretation/perception doesn't match my intent. In this way, he shapes me into what he most fears. Were he open to the possibility that I were not controlling and criticizing him, he wouldn't shape me into that. This is a hypothetical example about how a man might help create what he most fears. For you, if you're afraid that someone might leave you out of the blue, you may get extra clingy and emotional the first time they're out of touch with you. The guy may note that he is punished when he does get in touch because he has to calm you down, which leads him to be more hesitant to want to deal with you. Thus he starts going out of touch more, with longer intervals to when he responds to you, because responding to you is a negative experience to him. Eventually, he just doesn't get back in touch with you, because that's easier than dealing with an angry emotional and clingy woman. I'd guess that's your pattern right there. Take a good hard look at what attracts you to the men you date, and see if you're subconsciously choosing a trait that leads to poor treatment. Then look at how you behave in relationships. You must let go of your baggage and stop fearing that every guy is the same. If you don't, then you're actually punishing someone for how someone else treated you, and that isn't fair to the new person. They shouldn't have to overcompensate or deal with your emotionality because of what someone else once did. Choose wisely, and see every man for the independent person he is. Your next guy is not to blame for what your past guy did. 2
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