Break-Up Summary

[expat2015]

Hi Guys,

 

Thanks in advance for reading this and giving any advice you can.

 

Two weeks ago my girlfriend and I broke up. We had dated for 6 months. We both live in the Middle East far from home. She is here with family members whereas I am here alone (except from friends/housemate/work colleagues etc).

 

Overall we had an amazing relationship - she travelled to my hometown to meet my family, we explored other areas of the Middle East. She said 'I love you' first and also went to say that 'I hope you are my last boyfriend'. We talked about kids, moving to other cities, the future etc.

 

However over the past two months every few weeks we were having the biggest arguments over the smallest things. We would simply disagree about something so small and yet are egos and characters clashed and there would be shouting, tears, storming out of rooms/apartments etc. She lives with her parents here (worse than it sounds as the villa is huge) so often we would argue and they would hear.

 

We are both 26. She is supported heavily by her mother and before me saw a few guys in the city on and off but nothing serious. Her friends are back in her home city and her work colleagues are just that, work colleagues. She much prefers nights in with her parents and before that, me.

 

She was the one just a couple of weeks ago who decided at the end of our latest argument that enough was enough. We had threatened before at the heat of arguments that we should break things off but after one/two days maximum of not talking we would get back to normal. I would like to think that the love we had for each other brought us back together.

 

However this time its for real. And it hurts. Relationship status/followings on Facebook were removed by her almost immediately. We did however meet a few days after the initial decision to talk however whilst I felt it was going to bridge the gap between us in the end it was another example for her to say that its over and she's set her mind. We argued again and she drove off.

 

A few days with her had passed with no contact until this morning. I deleted her number so I couldn't message although I check social media almost hourly, i just can't help thinking I should be part of her life.

 

Whenever I talk about it I openly say that we argued a lot and after just 6 months maybe its best to move on. However i cannot help but think about her and I do miss her.

 

Her message late last night was just another confirmation and request for me to respect her decision. It took me 12hours to respond as I didnt want to see keen and desperate. Instead of responding with 'OK', which to be honest I was advised to do, I wrote a small paragraph again reminding her that I dont understand why she would throw it all away and how much I loved and cared for her. Upon reflection maybe I shouldn't have sent this however I did and cannot reverse. She has not responded to the message although I ended it politely with 'have a good day'.

 

Should I be chasing after her if I am upset/torn less than previous breakups that have lasted many years? I feel a whole in my life and think that is why I am so upset and perhaps not on her specifically. I cry once a day for the past week or so although I am writing down my feelings a lot. Most of my notes are negative and steering towards not worrying about her although I can't seem to get the happy memories and times out of my head.

 

Any help/past experiences? Thanks guys

[Downtown]

Expat, welcome to the LoveShack forum. I'm sorry to hear you are going through so much pain at the moment.

 

Most of my notes are negative.

It would be helpful if you would be more specific about the negative aspects you saw in your exGF over the past two months. Specifically, was she verbally abusive and demeaning during the arguments? What were the arguments about? E.g., did she exhibit irrational jealousy over harmless things you did or said? Was she overly sensitive to everyday events?

[expat2015]

Thanks so much for the quick response and sorry for the delay in my response.

 

Over the past two months we had argued a lot about minor things. But then are egos/characters/moods clashed and the arguments became so dramatic and big. It would involve us storming off, driving to our own place if we were planning to stay at one of ours, lack of talk for a couple of days etc.

 

She is French Canadian and I am British. It got to a point where I would say something like 'stop being insane' but in my background that English isn't rude/that strong and certainly not an attempt to call her 'insane' directly, which is how she took it.

 

Since I wrote the message I gave her some days space and she did message. I reminder to respect her decision. I did short and sweet messages back however over the past 24hours she started to make conversation, asking how my day was etc.

 

Today however she randomly messages saying - I am having a bad day, I want to move back home. This is 10,000 miles away, how am I meant to feel after receiving that?! Anyway I did respond and perhaps fallen back into the trap..

 

I wrote one lengthy message saying why are we broke up, lets try once more etc etc..she read the message a few hours ago and havent responded..i am already upset at myself falling into the trap of messaging her that all once again when i have tried so hard this week and past few days to forget her and move on..she will just simply message back late at night reminding me its over...

 

Its sad as she has no friends here locally. She lives with her parents and i know that if she didnt have her parents and she was alone it would be completely different. But she doesn't and i have to accept that instead of trying with us where everything was almost perfect except for the occasional large-scale fight she would rather be at home with her parents and now with the message today re moving back its become even more difficult..

 

i have found writing things down instead of getting upset has helped a lot but i still cannot stop thinking every so often of her etc

 

any advice you can give?!

[Downtown]

Expat, it is a very bad sign that, just 4 months into a 6-month relationship, all of this fighting and temper tantrums has erupted. One possibility, of course, is that you both lack communication skills and that, if you learn those skills from a marriage counselor (MC), you may be able to save your relationship. I am skeptical of that outcome, however, because you two are experiencing such major fights -- over "the smallest things" -- so early in the R/S.

 

Because of that skepticism, I asked you several questions:

 

• was she verbally abusive and demeaning during the arguments?
  
• What were the arguments about? E.g., did she exhibit irrational jealousy over harmless things you did or said?
  
• Was she overly sensitive to minor, everyday events?
  

The reason for asking these questions -- which you have not yet answered -- is to determine whether you believe you are seeing some strong warning signs for a personality disorder (PD). This is an important issue because, if many such red flags are present, there would be a good chance your GF's issues are far more serious than a lack of simple communication skills -- and MC likely would be a total waste of time.

 

Given that my three questions apparently did not ring any bells with you, it seems that the answer is "NO" -- i.e., no, you're not seeing warning signs for a PD. Yet, if you are interested in exploring such a possibility, you might want to take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

[expat2015]

Thank you so much and apologies I missed your questions originally.

 

The arguments were something I hadn't experienced before. Simply put, there was a huge clash of egos and the simple things just became massive.

 

She was clearly 'fed up' in the arguments and easily cried. She quickly shut down with no responses and was very hard to break down her barrier in order to move on from the argument and forward with the relationship. She was indeed sensitive to certain things I said or did with no ill intentions however would place this down to our different cultural background/languages.

 

If we were arguing so consistently after just 6 months of being with each other should I now not be worried about not being together as the future didnt look positive? I can't help but miss her but feel that I miss the relationship aspect rather than the individual herself.

 

What do you think?

[Downtown]

If we were arguing so consistently after just 6 months of being with each other should I now not be worried about not being together as the future didnt look positive?

Yes, as I said, it is a very bad sign that you two have repeated fights so early in the relationship -- at a time when compatible partners would still be enjoying the infatuation that prevails during the courtship period. I suggest you find someone more compatible -- and to some self reflection to consider whether you played a role that contributed substantially to the anger and hostility.

[expat2015]

Thanks DOWNTOWN, appreciate the words and to be honest everyone I have spoken to has said if there were so many arguments after that short period of time then it wasn't meant to be.

 

Saying that however it is still a very lonely life without her. We would see each other 4/5 times minimum a week which I guess upon reflection was too much and the reason why I feel the emptiness, would you agree?

 

Sorry for the continued questions. I have many different friends who are very good at supporting but I cannot help feel such pain and upset and random outbursts of crying every so often. I guess these are normal until time passes and I forget? We have removed each other from social media channels and I have deleted her number in order not to message her. When does the pain pass!?!?

[expat2015]

Grateful for any advice people can give me based on their experiences or overall thoughts! In summary:

 

- Me and my ex (both 26yrs) live around 5,000 miles away from our separate home countries and English wasn't her first language (it is for me) although she can speak great English

 

- We were together for 6months and had some amazing times although from month four onwards we argued constantly and sometimes blamed the different backgrounds/cultures (e.g. she kept in contact with exes and had regular dialogue with them whereas I am a firm believer in whats in the past should stay there)

 

- She decided at the end of one of the bigger arguments shortly after our 6month anniversary that she had had enough and we would break up. We had done this before and got back together within 24hours, said sorry and moved on

 

- It was a huge shock for me when she had then told me she had told her parents (who i became close with and who lived with her), changed her Facebook relationship status etc

 

- We met a few days later and I did the normal begging/pleading and was clearly a lot more upset than her regarding the breakup

 

- A couple of weeks past of limited contact however when she did reach out with a random question/video of something we can relate too etc i would initially respond in a short manner but then after a few exchanges do the 'why aren't we together this is stupid paragraph'

 

- I then blocked her on Instagram/Facebook as I thought this was the best way. I hadn't heard from her for a few days so guessed it was the best way on. Within 24hours she messaged me saying she couldn't believe I had blocked her although she had done the first movements on social media updates. I immediately removed the blocks and said she was mistaken..

 

- She then messaged the following week saying oh theres a rumour about saying you are dating someone new..My response was who and dont they think you were the prettier one and would find it easier to find a new person in their lives and not me? This was intended to be a joke and although perhaps due to the language barrier she took this completely the wrong way and said open your door to these new girls, i dont care! Of course this made me go backwards with emotions and i suffered badly..

 

- She messaged a week later saying how offended she was and where i immediately responded explaining what was actually meant by the answer i gave..she didnt respond to my response

 

- Instead, i realised she blocked me on both whatsapp and Facebook although has left Instagram open. Furthermore, she has added her ex from 5yrs ago on Facebook which means they are constant contact if required. This ex is back in her home town some 5,000 miles away and with no immediate intention to move back home it is pointless and she already said numerous times during the relationship that she keeps friends with exes including this one. I therefore assume the adding of him on Facebook for me to see is in spite of her believing i had moved on, blocked her etc.

 

- She was written to me to say that she doesn't intend to get involved in any other relationships over the coming months before she moves home/onto her next city. I believe she will be in the city we both are for at least the next 6 months..

 

Given the hurt i have incurred, is no contact now the best way forward to forget and move on? i have good and bad days and since learning she added the ex on Facebook i have become upset more often compared to the previous weeks.

 

i know she will expect me to chase her again within the next week or two and if i dont she will message something wanting to respond..i have never not responded to a message (perhaps too nice) but do i need to start ignoring her attempts to contact which will hopefully make her realise what has happened?! i just dont feel with me chasing and begging and dealing with her actions she has had a chance to realise the decisions she has made with breaking us up and adding the ex on Facebook..

 

Appreciate any advice!

[louxor]

Grateful for any advice people can give me based on their experiences or overall thoughts! In summary:

 

- Me and my ex (both 26yrs) live around 5,000 miles away from our separate home countries and English wasn't her first language (it is for me) although she can speak great English

 

- We were together for 6months and had some amazing times although from month four onwards we argued constantly and sometimes blamed the different backgrounds/cultures (e.g. she kept in contact with exes and had regular dialogue with them whereas I am a firm believer in whats in the past should stay there)

 

- She decided at the end of one of the bigger arguments shortly after our 6month anniversary that she had had enough and we would break up. We had done this before and got back together within 24hours, said sorry and moved on

 

- It was a huge shock for me when she had then told me she had told her parents (who i became close with and who lived with her), changed her Facebook relationship status etc

 

- We met a few days later and I did the normal begging/pleading and was clearly a lot more upset than her regarding the breakup

 

- A couple of weeks past of limited contact however when she did reach out with a random question/video of something we can relate too etc i would initially respond in a short manner but then after a few exchanges do the 'why aren't we together this is stupid paragraph'

 

- I then blocked her on Instagram/Facebook as I thought this was the best way. I hadn't heard from her for a few days so guessed it was the best way on. Within 24hours she messaged me saying she couldn't believe I had blocked her although she had done the first movements on social media updates. I immediately removed the blocks and said she was mistaken..

 

- She then messaged the following week saying oh theres a rumour about saying you are dating someone new..My response was who and dont they think you were the prettier one and would find it easier to find a new person in their lives and not me? This was intended to be a joke and although perhaps due to the language barrier she took this completely the wrong way and said open your door to these new girls, i dont care! Of course this made me go backwards with emotions and i suffered badly..

 

- She messaged a week later saying how offended she was and where i immediately responded explaining what was actually meant by the answer i gave..she didnt respond to my response

 

- Instead, i realised she blocked me on both whatsapp and Facebook although has left Instagram open. Furthermore, she has added her ex from 5yrs ago on Facebook which means they are constant contact if required. This ex is back in her home town some 5,000 miles away and with no immediate intention to move back home it is pointless and she already said numerous times during the relationship that she keeps friends with exes including this one. I therefore assume the adding of him on Facebook for me to see is in spite of her believing i had moved on, blocked her etc.

 

- She was written to me to say that she doesn't intend to get involved in any other relationships over the coming months before she moves home/onto her next city. I believe she will be in the city we both are for at least the next 6 months..

 

Given the hurt i have incurred, is no contact now the best way forward to forget and move on? i have good and bad days and since learning she added the ex on Facebook i have become upset more often compared to the previous weeks.

 

i know she will expect me to chase her again within the next week or two and if i dont she will message something wanting to respond..i have never not responded to a message (perhaps too nice) but do i need to start ignoring her attempts to contact which will hopefully make her realise what has happened?! i just dont feel with me chasing and begging and dealing with her actions she has had a chance to realise the decisions she has made with breaking us up and adding the ex on Facebook..

 

Appreciate any advice!

 

Get rid of all social media connections to her. Whatsapp, facebook, instagram, all of them. Don't giver her ANY way to contact you, because from what i've read (and highlighted) most of the things causing you to struggle with this are stemming from social media. Block her, if she contacts you again via another route, block her again and keep going till she has no other way.

 

That little voice in your head that keeps pestering you to see what she's up to is much easier to deal with than the feeling you'll get when you stalk her life on social media and see things you don't want to see.

 

If you want to move on from her, you have to cut her off. Don't worry about being nice to her and feeling the need to reply, she isn't worthy of your replies, so don't give her what she wants - And if you can't bring yourself to just cut her off completely with no explanation, message her saying you are doing it to help you move on with your life. That's it. However I do suggest just doing it without explanation (going back to what I was saying about her not deserving your replies.)

[mightycpa]

I never really understood people who go to all the trouble of breaking up with you, then get mad when you take them at their word and walk away, or start dating, or acting like you're no longer in a relationship.

 

It's confusing, right?

 

When someone says that they don't want to be with you anymore, you have to believe they've thought about it seriously, and that's what they really want.

 

I say give the people what they want. If you haven't said your goodbyes, say them now. If you have, then skip to the part where you turn your back and go live your life.

 

There is no other way that actually works even when you're in the same area. You're 5000 miles away? You're done.

[expat2015]

Thanks both for the replies..much appreciated!!

 

We are both in the same city but separately 5,000 miles away from our respective home towns and friends. The ex that she broke up with 5yrs ago and who was added shortly after we broke up is still 5,000 miles away and with no near-future plans to move back to her home town I was upset as to understand why she would do that unless of course it was to get to me..

 

With knowing that she is in more direct contact with him + your messages above I will proceed with the NC route and move on...easier said than done though isn't it?! will she likely start to feel 'missing' feelings when she realises I'm not going to respond and give her attention like I have over the past few weeks?

[louxor]

Thanks both for the replies..much appreciated!!

 

We are both in the same city but separately 5,000 miles away from our respective home towns and friends. The ex that she broke up with 5yrs ago and who was added shortly after we broke up is still 5,000 miles away and with no near-future plans to move back to her home town I was upset as to understand why she would do that unless of course it was to get to me..

 

With knowing that she is in more direct contact with him + your messages above I will proceed with the NC route and move on...easier said than done though isn't it?! will she likely start to feel 'missing' feelings when she realises I'm not going to respond and give her attention like I have over the past few weeks?

 

If they live that far apart then I think you're right when you say she just added him to get to you, but not to worry about that - This just shows she's immature and you've dodged that bullet.

 

Yes it is easier said than done, but it is much easier than remaining in contact. You'll notice over time that you start to care less about what she's up to because you're not involved with it at all. Makes sense? You can't beat yourself up/get upset about something you don't know about.

 

She may start to miss the attention you give her and she may not, doesn't really matter - You're on the road to not caring what she thinks or does anymore remember.

[expat2015]

Thanks louxor..

 

She hasn't been in contact again which is now at one week. I know a week is a short period of time but I had a feeling that she would have said something by now. If not today, she will make contact next week as she has an event and will likely send me a picture of it, if I know her well...

 

Even if she doesn't make contact, NC is the best way forward - correct?

 

I have been getting better (i.e. less upset, functioning and focussing on other things etc) as days go past but can't resist a once-in-a-short-while check of her Instagram. I am blocked on all other channels. Will the constant feeling of the need to check her Instagram eventually go away?!

 

I am most upset the fact that during the 6/7 months there were far greater happier and loving times than negative and she has thrown it all away. of course with her adding her ex a short while after breaking up with me doesn't feel nice and is driving me to ensure i dont make contact with her and move on...

[louxor]

Thanks louxor..

 

She hasn't been in contact again which is now at one week. I know a week is a short period of time but I had a feeling that she would have said something by now. If not today, she will make contact next week as she has an event and will likely send me a picture of it, if I know her well...

 

Even if she doesn't make contact, NC is the best way forward - correct?

 

I have been getting better (i.e. less upset, functioning and focussing on other things etc) as days go past but can't resist a once-in-a-short-while check of her Instagram. I am blocked on all other channels. Will the constant feeling of the need to check her Instagram eventually go away?!

 

I am most upset the fact that during the 6/7 months there were far greater happier and loving times than negative and she has thrown it all away. of course with her adding her ex a short while after breaking up with me doesn't feel nice and is driving me to ensure i dont make contact with her and move on...

 

NC means no contact..at all.

 

If she doesn't contact you, you stay NC. If she does contact you, you stay NC. The whole point of NC isn't to make them miss you or anything like that. It's purpose is to help you stop thinking about them so you can clear up your mind and move on.

 

NC includes Instagram, you need to stop checking that as well. If you can't bring yourself to unfollow her, just delete the app to remove the temptation. As with anything it will be difficult to start, but the longer you hold out the easier it will get.

 

As for the last part, you are dwelling on the past, on things that have come and gone. It's easy to get caught up in how things were, how you wish they would be the same, but that won't change the fact that they're not. The only thing dwelling on the past does is hold you back from living and enjoying the present.

[expat2015]

Great words, thank you!

 

It has been a week now since she last made contact. I know a week is just 7 days but I can't help feel upset and some hate towards her as upon reflection I gave her so much support during the time we were together and she's simply thrown it away and also thrown us away..

 

I think I am still somewhat confused however know that getting back together is not the right thing to do with all of this that has happened since.

 

I have deactivated the Instagram but can't help think why she has chosen the life of not having us after being happy for such majority of the time together and to be alone.

[expat2015]

Hi There,

 

Just following on from previous post, there was a lot of drama for 3/4 weeks post-break up..

 

I hadn't experienced such a break-up before when she decided it was over following a stupid argument. It is true that we had many stupid arguments in the 6months we were together where we 'threatened' each other with breaking up but the love we had for each other quickly got us back together within 24hours or so.

 

I know that getting back together, in the long-term, would not be the correct thing to do but still can't help understand why she has chosen the - single life (she is late 20s, lives with her parents and has limited friends in the city we both live in which is far from each others home cities) which by her own admission was very boring before I came into it - over the happier times we had together. In the 6months, we had some amazing experiences, trips and overall amazing time together and had discussed the long-term future of us.

 

The break-up was dramatic with me mainly begging and pleading with little responses. However she did turn around after a couple of weeks and turn it back on my by suggesting I had confirmed I had moved on/blocked her on social media etc which after writing letters, sending flowers, begging messages etc was very hard to take because of course it wasn't true. In fact she had blocked me on FB and added an ex (located 10,000 miles away) probably just to get back at me.

 

It is now 1 week with NC and I am targeting no contact for the rest of October. I know her character very well so she is probably expecting either a begging message soon or at least a begging reply if/when she reaches out to me next.

 

Given it was a dramatic few weeks since the break-up and the hurt I have had, is it right to keep the NC going? I am getting less upset about it all as time passes however can't understand why she would throw us away so easily..although I know it is for the best!!

 

Confused!

[Blanco]

If you know it's not right long-term, then why stress much over her reasoning? What exactly do you want? Her to admit she made a mistake so that you two can get back together and then in six months or a year, YOU break up with her because you still don't see a future? Let it go and let her go, too.

[expat2015]

I feel it would be nice to know that we ended on better terms without all this drama that has happened past few weeks. we had great times together as well as all the arguments but it seems that the great times have been forgotten about by her and she has not shown any emotions of missing me.. yes, either her wanting to move back to her home country next week (which she has said a couple of times since we broke up as well) or more of the same arguments would have driven us apart again but its just so upsetting how this breakup has gone..you know?

[SoThatHappened]

It is true that we had many stupid arguments in the 6months we were together...

That should be the honeymoon period. This was a toxic relationship during a time when most relationships are rainbows and unicorns.

 

What's wrong with both of you to argue so much when everything is new and exciting? Really think about that. I want a report.

[expat2015]

Very good point and honestly, I dont know how to respond.

 

I am sure I am a difficult person but at the same time I was with a girl who was never prepared to plan things for us, be adventurous and 'soppy' (British saying!?).

 

Sometimes I would become frustrated at the thought of planning everything at the end of a work day where I would like to have just been told where and when we were meeting, you know?

 

But thats just a very small example of many other things I guess. We would have big arguments on the smallest things. Egos/stubbornness would get in between us moving on from an argument quickly. Her keeping in contact with her exes (and their continued interference via 'friendly' messages to her) was a big problem for us until towards the end of the relationship when she finally saw my point of view.

 

I felt it was simply too early in our relationship whilst we were still learning/understanding about each other for her to be constantly making sure she was responding/keeping the exes happy. she said however this was part of who she was and she warned me on our first date that she kept in contact with exes - of course i said i was OK with that as i wanted to be with this girl as soon as i set my eyes on her!

 

The exes was a big problem and she has added the main one who caused an issue straight onto Facebook as soon as we broke up (although he is 10,000 miles away and dating others no doubt)..

[expat2015]

Its almost been two weeks of clear NC following a few weeks of dramatic texts/messages/begging/pleading on my part following the break-up..

 

We were together almost 7 months and upon reflection were arguing way too much and it was right (albeit her decision in the end) to break..

 

I have been blocked on various social medias with Instagram the only one that is not blocked. I recently made my profile private expecting some sort of reaction but nothing came.

 

Today marks an event that I had heavily helped her plan and of course saddened that I am no longer attending..

 

But why doesn't she care? how comes she finds it so easy to forget the 7 months relationship and the constant interaction we had? we would meet 5/6 times a week and i just feel I'm the only one missing it...

[expat2015]

Hi Guys,

 

Need advice if I am doing the right thing..In summary this is my story:

 

1st week of September - after 7 months of dating she decided to end things although we had 4/5 big fights threatening to break up in the couple of months before that

 

The following couple of weeks - I sent messages asking her to see sense, sent flowers with no response. A few days would pass and then she would randomly make conversation to her which I would respond to and eventually divert the conversation topic to us - she would then go quiet on the messages although would make sure I knew it wasn't her intention to date or see anyone new etc

 

Two weeks ago - She sent me an email (she's blocked me on Facebook and Whatsapp whilst adding exes) again confirming its no her intention to date or see anyone for some time whilst also saying that when i confirmed i was seeing new people (of course i did no such thing) it was the worst possible thing i could have said..She said this although during the same period she would have had many messages saying how much i wanted us to work out, be happy, suggested fun things to do, sent flowers, wrote a letter etc..

 

Since I responded to that email ending the conversation there has been no NC..

 

I am right in thinking I should get on with my life? her actions since the break-up are not from the person i thought i fell in love with, is that normal?! I'm almost shocked to see these actions but can't help but think sometimes of all the happy times, trips, dates etc we had in the 7 months..

[expat2015]

So its been a month now since we broke up although only two weeks since last contact..

 

She made the 'final' decision regarding us although we had some big fights beforehand where a break-up was suggested.. we were together seven months and had many great times compared to those of arguing but there were underlining issues such as her exes keeping in contact, misunderstanding with our different backgrounds/cultures/languages (we were from different areas of the world)..

 

I fell in love with her hard and not ashamed to say it. These feelings meant I chased and chased in the couple of weeks post break-up with letters, flowers and the lengthy messages begging and pleading for her to reconsider...

 

Of course none of these were returned and instead ignored..Instead, I received occasional messages from her which in turn made me more confused with messages such as 'you know i dont intend to see or date anyone else' and reaching out to me when she had a tough day at work. I would of course respond politely and with interest only to be ignored when I changed the subject back to the relationship..

 

I am now determined to stick with NC until she is forgotten about and removed from my life..

 

Was I wrong to beg, plead etc? I can't help but think if I didn't the situation we would be in now but on the flip side know that she would have simply just kept stringing me along and using the access she had to me...

 

Help please!