GrandRail Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 (edited) This is unrelated to my own situation, just a muse. If nothing really bad has occurred in a relationship and the dumper requests friendship, what is the best way to indicate to the dumper that one does not want one, but might be open to retrying a relationship with them much farther into the future before one goes on to commit to NC, essentially move past that person, and improve upon oneself. There seems to be a number of cases where relationships much farther down the line, initiated by the dumper, are successful as both people have grown, improved, and matured some. A previous post suggested a model similar to the one below (I've edited it to a degree) to be used at the point of separation when the dumper suggests friendship: You know I have feelings for you. If I’m in contact with you in any form, I want it to be romantically, not as your friend. It simply won’t work for me. If you ever change your mind about how you feel about me, contact me. All the best. It takes a hard stance against a current friendship, is straightforward about the dumpee's respect for their own well-being and priorities, but leaves the door open. Fairly good? Or does it express way too much interest and thus ruin the cause? What could be improved upon in this model? Edited October 5, 2015 by GrandRail
Liono84 Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 That's exactly what happened in my case. In hindsight, I could've handled the breakup better from an emotional standpoint, but I still think I did okay given the bomb that was dropped in front of me. Basically, I pleaded why it didn't have to end this way, and how we could make it work (Major Mistake - as every dumper has thought things through for awhile before the breakup). Obviously, she didn't budge. After the bank and forth, she stated that she still wanted me to remain a part of her life and for us to remain friends, repeatedly. I don't really know if she meant that, because a lot of times dumpers will just say that to soften the blow in order to get rid of the guilt factor. I told her we could never just be friends, that she meant too much to me to ever be a friend and that I would never accept that. At the very end, before we said our last goodbyes, I told her if she ever crossed a day where she changed her mind to contact me. And that's the last I ever heard from her. Gone NC since that dreaded day. Initially, I cringed on how I handled the breakup, but as time goes bye, I view it much differently and wouldn't have done it any other way. It's better to say what you feel and spill it out, then to say nothing and regret you could've done more. She knew how much she meant to me, and even though I was somewhat wrong in trying to persuade, it's hard to accept otherwise when you get dumped. As time goes bye, the fact that you remain NC, gives you, as the dumpee self-respect and power back. I'm not holding my breath that she'll come back, though. 3
mightycpa Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 This is unrelated to my own situation, just a muse. If nothing really bad has occurred in a relationship and the dumper requests friendship, what is the best way to indicate to the dumper that one does not want one, but might be open to retrying a relationship with them much farther into the future before one goes on to commit to NC, essentially move past that person, and improve upon oneself. There seems to be a number of cases where relationships much farther down the line, initiated by the dumper, are successful as both people have grown, improved, and matured some. A previous post suggested a model similar to the one below (I've edited it to a degree) to be used at the point of separation when the dumper suggests friendship: You know I have feelings for you. If I’m in contact with you in any form, I want it to be romantically, not as your friend. It simply won’t work for me. If you ever change your mind about how you feel about me, contact me. All the best. It takes a hard stance against a current friendship, is straightforward about the dumpee's respect for their own well-being and priorities, but leaves the door open. Fairly good? Or does it express way too much interest and thus ruin the cause? What could be improved upon in this model? Here's my version of your speech: Listen, I'm not ashamed to say that this is going to take some getting used to, and it is not going to be easy for me. Here's how you can help: Don't contact me, not about anything, ever. No "how ya doin?", no "I miss you" and definitely no "Happy Birthdays". Just keep all that **** to yourself, I don't want to hear it. I sure as hell don't want to hear about the new guy you met last week, or how long his tongue is or how you're falling in love with him. So I can't be your friend, get it? The only time I ever want to hear from you is if you've changed your mind, and that window is closing pretty fast. Pretty soon, I'm not going to want to hear that either. This doesn't have to be this way forever... one day, I'll be so over you and if I can remember your name then, I'll look you up. Until then, don't call me, I'll call you. OK? Any questions before I go? 4
Christos Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 (edited) One word: Why? There is no reason to leave an open door. Absolutely none. By leaving an open door you: 1) Make them respect and value you less, because they can see that you will forgive anything and they take you for granted. 2) Invite them to come back later and bring pain into your life, just when you are about to move on. Why would you want to be with someone who dumped you? Find other people! People always teach leaving an open door, and then total NC until they return for reconciliation. That's women advice through and through. AKA bad advice for men. As a man, i think the opposite is true. Tell them from the start, that you will never be friends, and if they insist on moving on you will never be together again. But keep giving them chances to come back for a short while, keep contacting them, trying to solve the situation, discover your mistakes, propose to fix them. Then, after some time has passed and this hasn't worked, go total NC. BUT, never reconcille at this point. I mean, NEVER. Not even 10 years. NEVER. My reasoning? If that woman loves you, but for some reason you made her lose hope in some way, or got frustrated by problems, or fears you don't love her anymore etc, then, if you keep trying, she will come back. She won't see you as "weak" for trying, because seriously, there is no weakness in accepting faults and trying to fix things. NC and trying to move on instead of fixing, that's the real weakness. It's always easier to get something replaced than fixed... On the other hand, if that woman doesn't love you, and/or is already seeing another man, then, she won't come back if you act this way. Actually, you will push her harder into the other man's arms. And, tell me, why is that a bad thing? Something to consider... PS: By acting all loving, trying for a couple of months for a second chance etc, and saying you love them, they might lose respect for you, initially, but when the time comes for them to regret, those coals you put into their heart will burn... Edited October 6, 2015 by Christos 1
Author GrandRail Posted October 6, 2015 Author Posted October 6, 2015 Christos, so if I am getting the jist of this correctly, are you saying you think that leaving the door open can be effective in the case of a woman dumpee, but counterproductive for men? Or is it rather that you believe neither group should attempt at this as it lowers respect in the eyes of the dumper?
Christos Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 Christos, so if I am getting the jist of this correctly, are you saying you think that leaving the door open can be effective in the case of a woman dumpee, but counterproductive for men? Or is it rather that you believe neither group should attempt at this as it lowers respect in the eyes of the dumper? Well, all of this is my opinion... But yeah, in the case of men i think it is stupid to leave a door open, because based on the female psychology, it is indeed counterproductive. When a female leaves and it is not because of abuse, she leaves to find a better option or she has already found that option. In her mind of course, doesn't mean she is always correct or knows what she wants... Leaving a door open, will reassure the woman that a) she has a back up plan and b) that the man doesn't have options, and that in her eyes makes him look weak. In contrast, a man doesn't lose respect for a woman when she leaves the door open. Men, leave for a)pure physical reasons and b) really bad woman behaviour. If a woman acts bad, most probably she doesn't love him, so she won't leave a door open anyway. And in any case, bad woman behaviour will make a man lose any respect for her, FAST, unless he is a total wimp. Leaving the door open will not make him lose more when it is already at such a low level anyway... Physical reasons though, are shallow, and do not last. And even if a man lusts for another female body, he doesn't lose respect for a woman who tells him "come back when the horniness fades"... Actually, that makes her earn his respect more... Though in general, a man will never leave a wife to have sex with another woman, he will just have an affair... And if he leaves, there is a chance that he will never come back, but STILL, he will not lose respect for the open door. He will just not care, which would happen anyway at this case. 1
Liono84 Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 (edited) Well, all of this is my opinion... But yeah, in the case of men i think it is stupid to leave a door open, because based on the female psychology, it is indeed counterproductive. When a female leaves and it is not because of abuse, she leaves to find a better option or she has already found that option. In her mind of course, doesn't mean she is always correct or knows what she wants... Leaving a door open, will reassure the woman that a) she has a back up plan and b) that the man doesn't have options, and that in her eyes makes him look weak. In contrast, a man doesn't lose respect for a woman when she leaves the door open. Men, leave for a)pure physical reasons and b) really bad woman behaviour. If a woman acts bad, most probably she doesn't love him, so she won't leave a door open anyway. And in any case, bad woman behaviour will make a man lose any respect for her, FAST, unless he is a total wimp. Leaving the door open will not make him lose more when it is already at such a low level anyway... Physical reasons though, are shallow, and do not last. And even if a man lusts for another female body, he doesn't lose respect for a woman who tells him "come back when the horniness fades"... Actually, that makes her earn his respect more... Though in general, a man will never leave a wife to have sex with another woman, he will just have an affair... And if he leaves, there is a chance that he will never come back, but STILL, he will not lose respect for the open door. He will just not care, which would happen anyway at this case. Christos: It's also funny how as time goes bye things change. I went NC from the day she broke up with me, and it's been 2.5 months since. At the time of our breakup, my last words were, if she ever changed her mind, to contact me. However, I no longer feel that way. About a month ago or so, I was tempted to contact her and tell her my offer no longer stood, but quickly realised how stupid/childish I would look and that I would be breaking NC, so I didn't. Looking back, I think the dumper realises when you extend an offer, it is only for a short amount of time, and that is a given. I don't think the dumper will interpret you accepting them back after an indefinite long period of time. To your point, yes, in hindsight, I shouldn't have even told her that, but I think the fact that you don't break NC, you slowly get your self-respect and self-worth back, both in your eyes and her eyes. As of the moment, I truly hope I meet someone else because what's done is done. It's like that saying, you can't put back together a broken piece of glass after it has been shattered because you'll end up only cutting yourself. Edited October 6, 2015 by Liono84 1
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