cookiejar Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 My ex and I broke up approx 3 weeks ago. I went off on a rant about feeling neglected because we had hardly been seeing one another and he was always with friends. By telling him I wasn't happy he realized he wasn't happy (things were fine before he read my message, he was calling me his usual pet names) and said we should part ways. He wished me well and that was it. We no longer follow one another on any platform of social media. I haven't tried to contact him as I respect his desire to not have contact even though its incredibly hard. However ... He has since ran into my friends, spoke briefly of the break up and suggested they hang out. meanwhile, the entire 7 months we were together he hung out with them twice and once was to meet them. I find that odd. Also his friends had added me on Facebook while we were together and though we never talked, when we broke up I deleted them also. They re-requested immediately.I haven't spoken to them since the break up either but I got a message from one of them asking to borrow something which I was unable to spare. (BTW, these friends of his are neighbors of mine) What I'm confused with is why they want to be friends? I feel as if he's over me and moved on and we're possibly just not compatible but is this solely for their benefit or his? We weren't 'friends' to begin with, so why talk and be friendly now? Anyone else ever had this issue? & I know I can't be friends with them he frequents their house often and me being their neighbor talk about awkward.
La.Primavera Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 There could be all sorts of reasons why they want to be friends with you. They might want to be able to gossip about you to him (if they are immature) or perhaps you are just a really likable person. I think more importantly is how you feel. If it makes you feel uncomfortable or if it is going to get in the way of you moving on then don't be friends with them. A polite hi to your neighbors over the fence is fine but you aren't obligated to be friends with them or anyone else. Obviously you can't stop your ex from trying to make friends with your friends, but hopefully they are loyal enough that they won't betray your trust to him. They might just avoid him anyway. Breakups can be so complicated, but I think you should be very proud of yourself for keeping no contact because it isn't easy to do when you miss your ex. You are doing the right thing.
Author cookiejar Posted September 12, 2015 Author Posted September 12, 2015 There could be all sorts of reasons why they want to be friends with you. They might want to be able to gossip about you to him (if they are immature) or perhaps you are just a really likable person. I think more importantly is how you feel. If it makes you feel uncomfortable or if it is going to get in the way of you moving on then don't be friends with them. A polite hi to your neighbors over the fence is fine but you aren't obligated to be friends with them or anyone else. Obviously you can't stop your ex from trying to make friends with your friends, but hopefully they are loyal enough that they won't betray your trust to him. They might just avoid him anyway. Breakups can be so complicated, but I think you should be very proud of yourself for keeping no contact because it isn't easy to do when you miss your ex. You are doing the right thing. I was warned before that she is into a lot of drama and likes to 'stir the sh*t pot' as one would call it. I don't think we're Facebook friends due to my personality. So I'm starting to think it's for her benefit and not because my ex wants to know information (I was kind of hoping it was for him, so he could see how I'm doing because even though a small part of me still wants him back; I'm still wondering if hes feeling as badly as I am..). However, her significant other also friend requested me. So I'm not sure what that was about either. This was less than 2 hours after our break up mind you. My friends have made it clear that they will be "friends" with him but will not likely hang out with him. They do not feel he brings anything of value to our circle of friends. I have been friends with my friends he speaks to since grade school so they will more than anything tell me if he should speak about me badly or even at all. & I am so proud of myself for maintaining NC no matter how weak or psychotic I guess. It gives me more anxiety thinking of sending a text/message/any form of communication and getting an ugly reply or no reply. I feel like that will hurt worse. If he wanted to speak to me, he has plenty of ways to do so. My gut is telling me he won't come back or ever speak to me again but I can only hope that when he does I have moved on and am strong enough to say no. I haven't been that strong in the past with exes coming back.. but thanks so much for your reply, it means a lot!
La.Primavera Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 Trust your instincts. She sounds like trouble. You sound really in control of things in regards to your ex. I think you will be just fine.
Author cookiejar Posted September 13, 2015 Author Posted September 13, 2015 I'm currently on day 20 of no contact by his request & while I'm incredibly proud of myself for respecting his wishes and not begging or pleading I still feel stuck. The first couple days of this week were really rough for me, I spent all day and night pining over what he's doing, where he's at, who he's with, if he's moved on, whether he regrets his decisions, etc. Although the past 2 days (today included) I have felt nothing towards the situation, until I woke up in tears last night. I haven't really cried about it; not even when it happened. I want to but I just can't bring myself to do it. I think I'm numb. I don't want to think of him coming back but I also don't want to think about him never coming back. I'm so stuck on wondering if he's feeling any type of way towards me or if he too feels numb. I'm also wondering if I'm not numb and I'm just used to the situation and am moving on from it? I know reading these forums has helped.. I just feel kind of lost like I'm some type of shell of a person and its just empty ... 1
thejabberwocky Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 Day 26 here, and I feel the same way. I cried about it yesterday. I think it's just that your lives were so ingrained, it will take awhile to get used to it. It's the grief process, it just seems so unreal that we have trouble dealing with it. I talked to my ex every day for 6 years, so to suddenly not have him around is really jarring and hard. I'm doing a 60 day NC for this reason. But I really hope by the end of it, I don't care to speak to him anymore. 1
Oregon_Dude Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 You need to get out of the house, see friends, see movies, read... DO THINGS. When the mind is occupied with other things, it doesn't have TIME to dwell on an ex. Also, if you invest in a long-term goal, this project will take precedence over the stupid ex. Be angry! F*ck em! You're great! 3
Author cookiejar Posted September 13, 2015 Author Posted September 13, 2015 Day 26 here, and I feel the same way. I cried about it yesterday. I think it's just that your lives were so ingrained, it will take awhile to get used to it. It's the grief process, it just seems so unreal that we have trouble dealing with it. I talked to my ex every day for 6 years, so to suddenly not have him around is really jarring and hard. I'm doing a 60 day NC for this reason. But I really hope by the end of it, I don't care to speak to him anymore. Yes they were. We talked from sun up til sun down every day. When we were together we never had a dull moment with us always talking. I find myself even checking my phone since I was so used to hearing from him and at certain times. His number is still in my phone just in case he does decide to contact me. :/ I've never been strong enough to initiate NC myself, it's usually them who says they don't wish to hear from me anymore. My first relationship when I was 18, I begged and pleaded and looked like such a flaming loser. This time I thought if I didn't get crazy, he might eventually end up changing his mind or would consider being friends at some point down the road....
Author cookiejar Posted September 13, 2015 Author Posted September 13, 2015 You need to get out of the house, see friends, see movies, read... DO THINGS. When the mind is occupied with other things, it doesn't have TIME to dwell on an ex. Also, if you invest in a long-term goal, this project will take precedence over the stupid ex. Be angry! F*ck em! You're great! Thanks so much. You're absolutely right. I've been working a lot and I'm free for the next 2 days. I've made plans with my best friend one day and the other day I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I just hope I don't let my thoughts get the better of me and end up driving myself crazy thinking things over.
Blanco Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 I lived with my ex for a year and a half. In the three years were together, there was probably only a handful of days without communication. It was very daunting to think about NOT hearing from her every day. I've seen her one time in the last four months. We've exchanged a handful of texts, but nothing extensive. We've had one relatively brief text conversation about a month ago, where I sensed she was just trying to get an update on my life now. It's difficult. I don't want to get back with her and I know she feels the same. She's been dating someone for six months, and so it's probably not appropriate for us to be in contact unless it's something legitimate. It's weird and it's definitely an adjustment. But you get more used to it. To put it this way: Eight months ago, the idea of not talking to her for a couple of days seemed inconceivable. Now we have full MONTHS that pass with zero communication. This is the new reality.
Oregon_Dude Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 Eight months ago, the idea of not talking to her for a couple of days seemed inconceivable. Now we have full MONTHS that pass with zero communication. This is the new reality.Ahhh, I love this. Yes. We as humans are surprisingly adaptable. Accepting the new reality, as you say, is THE biggest step to getting over a breakup. The fact is, your new reality has paved the way for changes in your life that you would not have made had your ex still been in the picture. For example, since my ex dumped me, I have: -gotten a second job at a movie theater -bought a new electric guitar -begun recording my third album -jammed on drums with a band -gone on several dates These are just a few examples. Would these things have happened had she and I still been together? No! Because I would have been consumed with making her happy (or trying to) and living in a state of stagnant comfort zone stuff. When you begin to see the b/u as an opportunity instead of a tragedy, your whole world changes. 1
Liono84 Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 You gotta just let it all out. If you hold your emotions in, it will only make things worse and take longer to heal. Cry, let it all out. It really does help and after awhile you will no longer feel the need to cry. You will go through a wide range of emotions for the first couple of weeks. Like they said, you really have to go out, force yourself to go out during the weekends so you don't dwell on it. Nothings going to stop you from having thoughts about your ex, that will be there for a very long time, but your goal should be to not allow those thoughts to effect your mood. You also have to delete their number and any kind of social media connection you have with them. Delete any pictures you may have to. It will help you heal and move on. 1
Seth0194 Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 You have to retain yourself how to live. You get use to things with an ex, watching tv, making dinner, going places, hell even talking to them. When they are gone it throws us into a shell shock and we have to relearn our lives, we have to in a moments notice redo our lives and it is hard, especially if you were happy and are on the receiving end of it. As someone said, get out, see some friends, go to the movies, hit the gym, do something you like that you avoided while you two were together and go do it. Nights sux, no two ways about it and find it is my kryptonite in a day. We always watched tv and spent our evening together so it is the hardest on me. Best of luck to you and know we are here for you, remember you are a good person and know someone out there wants you for the person you are. 1
Author cookiejar Posted September 13, 2015 Author Posted September 13, 2015 Thanks everyone! I know I need to move on. I'm just still really stuck on how he's feeling and how it was so easy for him to leave. I think once I stop caring I'll be okay. The initial shock of him being gone is over. I was just sitting outside and started to get all nervous and panicky about him not coming back but I reminded myself that I do not need him and I will be okay. I've also got myself kind of convinced its too early for him to miss me :/ But really, I am trying to keep occupied. I'm always on here reading threads, texting friends, or writing in my journal. My friends work a lot as I do and it's hard to see them often. I miss being younger and spending 247 with your friends.
Author cookiejar Posted September 16, 2015 Author Posted September 16, 2015 I saw my ex today and let me just say, awkward. Neither of us gave each other more than a glance. My heart didn't feel like it was about to fall out of my butt or anything either. He was just kind of there & I was just .. there. I'm not sure we intentionally ignored each other but we weren't exactly close enough to talk either. I was wondering if this would set him back in his moving on process although I'm not sure it's set me back in mine ... I do still miss him more than ever. I'm just glad I know I crossed his mind for 5 seconds. But with that being said I haven't been able to stop thinking about him all day and wishing he'd message me. I did hear from his friend today while he was at their house. Which I thought was odd because it wasn't anything they couldn't have figured out on their own. I'm still n/c with him; none of this makes me want to contact him. I just feel better getting this all out as I'm still dealing with those fleeting feelings of anxiety/panic that he's NEVER coming back ... and by the looks of it that's the case :/
Author cookiejar Posted September 26, 2015 Author Posted September 26, 2015 I'm a month post b/u & a full 30 days n/c. I can't say it was easy but I also can't say it was hard. While I still love my ex this month has shown me I'm not 'in love' with him like I thought I was. I've lost any hard feelings I had towards him and I'm not angry anymore. He left for a reason and I'm glad now that he did. I spent 6 months chilling at home, ignoring friends, and hoping he'd come around when he never did. Since he's left I go out every chance I get even if it's just a walk around by myself. I work as often as I can and I keep myself busy. I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about him at all. I wonder how he's doing and if he's thought of me and even if he's with somebody else. My thoughts though don't really have any emotions tied to them. I've been talking to other men and while I'm not interested in dating anyone right now, it's nice to have new people to talk to. If down the road something happens with them, I wouldn't be objected to it. I've spent the last few days thinking I'm wrong for moving on too soon also. This experience of complete n/c is new for me and I never in a million years thought I'd survive (I would beg/plead in the past). I did and I'm so proud of that. That's going to be my focus every time I reach a new level of n/c. Next goal is 60 days! 1
AT15 Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 I'm happy to hear about your peace. Can I ask what went down in the relationship? I'm doing a version of no contact, since we live in the same apartment. This weekend I'm at my moms.
Author cookiejar Posted September 26, 2015 Author Posted September 26, 2015 He was spending more time with his friends and whenever I was available he'd ask and then make plans. I had enough and spoke my mind about it. Could I have been nicer about it? Yes. I apologized for how I was acting just not for how I felt. He decided the next day he could no longer give me what I wanted in the relationship and decided we should go our separate ways. We haven't spoken since.
AT15 Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 How long were you guys together? I'm still in love with my boyfriend, but it hasn't been long enough of no contact. I wonder too if he is falling or has fallen out of love with me. Sigh, he needed to treat me better too. I needed to change some things as well. We started arguing and breaking up every week, and that was me doing the breaking up. Then he just said I'm not going to just run back to you this time. And I know he's right about that. But, I wanted him to change his ways. I wanted him to stop talking to other women. He likes the attention from other women. I caught him on Tinder. It made me feel not important enough. I felt insecure. Think inking of all this stuff, I know I kept breaking up with him for a reason, but I was hopeful he would change. We had very good sex though and had an emotional bond too. Any way, I still love him so much. but, what relationship am I trying to go back too? I was unhappy in that relationship. This is our second go round too. I told myself before I went back to him, that this would be it. I'm giving it one more chance. Here I am talking about him and he has probably already moved on. I really need to stop.
Author cookiejar Posted September 26, 2015 Author Posted September 26, 2015 How long were you guys together? I'm still in love with my boyfriend, but it hasn't been long enough of no contact. I wonder too if he is falling or has fallen out of love with me. Sigh, he needed to treat me better too. I needed to change some things as well. We started arguing and breaking up every week, and that was me doing the breaking up. Then he just said I'm not going to just run back to you this time. And I know he's right about that. But, I wanted him to change his ways. I wanted him to stop talking to other women. He likes the attention from other women. I caught him on Tinder. It made me feel not important enough. I felt insecure. Think inking of all this stuff, I know I kept breaking up with him for a reason, but I was hopeful he would change. We had very good sex though and had an emotional bond too. Any way, I still love him so much. but, what relationship am I trying to go back too? I was unhappy in that relationship. This is our second go round too. I told myself before I went back to him, that this would be it. I'm giving it one more chance. Here I am talking about him and he has probably already moved on. I really need to stop. My ex and I were together for 6 months.. I know not long at all. But we were friends before that not close friends but friends none the less. I agree I needed to change some things, I'm always so negative. He swore he could handle it. I guess he decided he didn't want that. I can't blame him I'm such a nightmare sometimes. I also didn't put very much effort into seeing him which I also could have changed. He's younger than I am and already had his **** together. He's basically at where I want to be at in my life. I was a little envious of him. How long were you and your ex together? It's understandable that you would still love him. Maybe you always will and it's completely okay to still be in love with him. You'll move at your own pace with things. Use the time you have by yourself to work on the things that you wanted to work on while you were together. If he doesn't come back or things don't work out for you then you at least have made yourself better for the next person. You need to let yourself feel any type of way you want, you just can't let it consume you. I'm here if you need someone to talk to. I just saw my ex about an hour ago, not intentionally but I did. He didn't see me though (that sounds stalker-ish) and he was smiling and happy and texting on his phone. It made me wonder if he was texting a new interest and I got sad for a moment, I'm still sad actually but I can't let myself focus or dwell on it.
AT15 Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 My ex and I were together for 6 months.. I know not long at all. But we were friends before that not close friends but friends none the less. I agree I needed to change some things, I'm always so negative. He swore he could handle it. I guess he decided he didn't want that. I can't blame him I'm such a nightmare sometimes. I also didn't put very much effort into seeing him which I also could have changed. He's younger than I am and already had his **** together. He's basically at where I want to be at in my life. I was a little envious of him. How long were you and your ex together? It's understandable that you would still love him. Maybe you always will and it's completely okay to still be in love with him. You'll move at your own pace with things. Use the time you have by yourself to work on the things that you wanted to work on while you were together. If he doesn't come back or things don't work out for you then you at least have made yourself better for the next person. You need to let yourself feel any type of way you want, you just can't let it consume you. I'm here if you need someone to talk to. I've been with him since February/March 2014. But it was a relationship that we took care in developing. We took our time, we were also long distance for 8 months. We did a lot together too. We just loved each other so much. But, he is also afraid of commitment. we both had attachment issues. He felt like my son, my brother and my boyfriend. I have this thought that we would be together for ever. He needs space from me. And I think he also wants to experience other women. Also, he is bisexual too. And I never gave him any weirdness about it. I just accepted it about him. We were very emotionally close.
Author cookiejar Posted October 5, 2015 Author Posted October 5, 2015 It's been nearly 45 days of n/c for me. I've gone through everything since my ex has decided to cut me completely off. I thought I was doing fine. Granted I still think about him all the time and still have the desire to talk to him ... but I haven't. I'm holding my ground but I somehow feel like I've fallen off the horse. He has since added my cousin on Facebook. I only know this because she inquired with me about him and I being together. She told me he was an idiot for doing what he did and she didn't like him anyway. I can't help but wonder if there's a reason why he added her. They had only met once. Shes 16, mind you. So wtf? He's usually liking her selfies, etc. and I am completely jealous. Does this mean I've broken no contact? I know I'll move on from it but right now I just can't help but sit with it and worry about it. What if they date? That's so, weird and gross to me. Who does that???
Shock148 Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 Thats not breaking NC at all. Honestly, your cousin tells you that shes not into him so all you can do is trust your her. I am sure if he tries to hit on her your cousin will tell you. Don't overthink the situation. Maybe he is doing this to get a reaction out of you, which obviously is working. Just ignore it and laugh.
LoveIsMyReligion Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 Why is he adding her? Why did she accept the request? I would ask your cousin to get rid of him out of respect for you.
Author cookiejar Posted October 5, 2015 Author Posted October 5, 2015 Someone else suggested he may be doing it to get a reaction out of me. Nobody knows I've reacted to it, just close friends. I haven't posted anything on social media or anything (not that he can see because we aren't friends anyway). But a friend suggested not everything is about me and maybe he did just add her because he finds her attractive.
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