Deonneh Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 (edited) Hello everyone! Just saying this is my first post here So basically I met my ex in April. Together we had a very romantic and wonderful, magical relationship together. I had to move across country in June unfortunately, so our relationship went long distance. Well, she was my first love. And she loved me, which was great. At the start of long distance things felt good. I felt comfortable and secure with her. As time went on slowly paranoia, doubts and bad emotions crept in. We started fighting, a LOT. Day after day one of us would use breaking up as a threat. We never had any problems like this whatsoever when we were together in person. We had dated for 2 months in person then 3 long distanced. I visited her in September, just before the 3 month mark. The visit was honestly great in my book. The first night it was just us two, we walked and it amazing. The next day we had sex... I actually lost my virginity to her. A week after the visit we broke up. Nothing had changed after the visit, the same problems kept coming back. I was heartbroken. A few days later I reached out to her... I didn't feel ready to move on without speaking to her again. I basically shot an offer to remain on good terms, not even suggesting keeping in contact. She went out and said that we should keep talking & she felt lonely. I text her hey the next day and she doesn't even reply... So I was pretty upset, and ready to just move on from her, but then... Saturday night she felt guilty and apologized for not responding. I got really confused and kind of mad at her so we talked some more about what went wrong and everything and I ended up saying I didn't want to be just friends with her. Well, after sleeping on it I realized I live across the country from her, I love her, and I feel worse without her in my life than with her as a friend, so I told her basically how I felt & how I wanted to be friends with her. She replied "we're definitely not getting back together..." Like I was suggesting it... I told her I was just trying to be friends and she turned me down. I was kinda sad and just stopped messaging her. I talked to her again that night and asked her "do we have to lose each other" and she blamed me saying you don't want to be friends so yes! When that morning I had suggested we be friends?! What!!! Anyways, we talk and it feels good. But it is CONFUSING. First off, she said she's cool with any FWB stuff. We talked a lot about stuff kinda like before, but it's apparent she's not trying to be intimate with me. She's making it clear about that. Before the breakup my plan was to make it to be in her state after spring, but after it I told her that now I'll be staying where I live indefinitely. I can tell she's hiding her feelings from me. She's good at that. Even though I live across from her I want the intimacy with her, as I do love her. & her allowing any FWB stuff confuses me too. I asked her if she meets someone if she'd cut me off and she told me she wouldn't, which I believe. I'm honestly very confused over everything, I really love her and want to be intimate with her, and maybe together in 5 years or whenever we both get over university. I am pretty certain if we were together in person we'd be kissing and holding hands and having sex. Edited October 5, 2015 by Deonneh
oldshirt Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 actually you are not in a weird position at all. Millions of people go through this every day when their first 'real' relationship ends. It is always very painful when you lose your first love but it's something that the vast majority of people go through. I went through what you are going through 32 years ago and have been through the dissolution of several serious LTRs since and here is the take away - - first off, you WILL survive this. It may feel like you can't breathe now but in a matte of time you will get over it, move on and one of these days find someone else. ....and then that may dissolve and you'll hurt again for awhile and then that will heal and you will find someone else, and then that may dissolve and you will find someone else and like most people you may go through several relationships of varying degrees of seriousness before one really sticks. - The games she is playing is normal. It's part of the process. There is nothing unusual taking place here. It's just the first time you have experienced it first hand. - you were 100% correct to say you didn't want to be "friends." It is totally legitimate to either want to be a real relationship, or shake hands and wish each other well. If the full relationship is not an option, then shake hands and wish them well. You don't have to be a dick. you don't have to hate. It's ok to be polite and pleasant if you run into them in Wal Mart but when you break up, you are under no obligations to be friends. - and certainly under no circumstances should you be there for her to comfort her when she's lonely. compliment her when she's feeling insecure about herself or tell her that the other guy is an Ahole and doesn't know what he's missing when she's having man problems with other dudes. Things like companionship, comforting, protecting etc etc are services that you provide to women who are in full-service relationships and no one else. never forget that. ......now if you happen to encounter her with a flat tire in the middle of a blizzard in the dangerous part of town in the middle of the night, you can be a good citizen and keep her from physical harm until she's safe again, but do not do anything for her that you wouldn't do for anyone else that you know. - DO NOT CHASE HER OR TRY TO WIN HER BACK. EVER! She dumped you and she knows where she can find you. The minute someone dumps you, move on. do things with your buddies. endulge in your hobbies, ask out other women. Never chase them or try to win them back. you'll always regret the time, energy and effort you spent chasing that windmill. - Take care of yourself physically. eat right. work out. Get sleep. Get out with people and have fun. Don't sit around moping, buttbleeding or bellyaching.
Author Deonneh Posted October 5, 2015 Author Posted October 5, 2015 actually you are not in a weird position at all. Millions of people go through this every day when their first 'real' relationship ends. It is always very painful when you lose your first love but it's something that the vast majority of people go through. I went through what you are going through 32 years ago and have been through the dissolution of several serious LTRs since and here is the take away - - first off, you WILL survive this. It may feel like you can't breathe now but in a matte of time you will get over it, move on and one of these days find someone else. ....and then that may dissolve and you'll hurt again for awhile and then that will heal and you will find someone else, and then that may dissolve and you will find someone else and like most people you may go through several relationships of varying degrees of seriousness before one really sticks. - The games she is playing is normal. It's part of the process. There is nothing unusual taking place here. It's just the first time you have experienced it first hand. - you were 100% correct to say you didn't want to be "friends." It is totally legitimate to either want to be a real relationship, or shake hands and wish each other well. If the full relationship is not an option, then shake hands and wish them well. You don't have to be a dick. you don't have to hate. It's ok to be polite and pleasant if you run into them in Wal Mart but when you break up, you are under no obligations to be friends. - and certainly under no circumstances should you be there for her to comfort her when she's lonely. compliment her when she's feeling insecure about herself or tell her that the other guy is an Ahole and doesn't know what he's missing when she's having man problems with other dudes. Things like companionship, comforting, protecting etc etc are services that you provide to women who are in full-service relationships and no one else. never forget that. ......now if you happen to encounter her with a flat tire in the middle of a blizzard in the dangerous part of town in the middle of the night, you can be a good citizen and keep her from physical harm until she's safe again, but do not do anything for her that you wouldn't do for anyone else that you know. - DO NOT CHASE HER OR TRY TO WIN HER BACK. EVER! She dumped you and she knows where she can find you. The minute someone dumps you, move on. do things with your buddies. endulge in your hobbies, ask out other women. Never chase them or try to win them back. you'll always regret the time, energy and effort you spent chasing that windmill. - Take care of yourself physically. eat right. work out. Get sleep. Get out with people and have fun. Don't sit around moping, buttbleeding or bellyaching. See, the thing is is I know it's okay to want a relationship or nothing at all. But the thing is is I live very far from her and we would only see each other once every few months. So i feel like it'd be different if we didn't life so far away, but since we do there's no real chance of dating Til we may live near again. I'm going to be dating other girls too. I want to be intimate with her but she doesn't want that. But i do love her and probably always will, and I feel better with her in my life than without, and I don't want to lose her from my life. Is that wrong?
oldshirt Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 I also want to share with you what I went through when I lost my first love because I was going through many of the same thoughts, emotions and confusions that you are now. It started out as the perfect summer romance. It was the thing teen love movies are made of. It was great. I couldn't really have asked for a better introduction to love and relationships. I was 17 and she was 18. It was right after my junior year and she had just graduated. The summer was awesome. The fall was great. I lost my virginity to her and while it was teenaged awkwardness and fumbling, we cared for each other and it was within a good relationship and it got better over time. Around the 6 month mark things went down hill and there were fights and cold shoulders and she seemed resentful and bitter and I could never figure out why. I even asked her if things were ok and if she was happy or if she was contemplating breaking up. She assured me all was well and that she didn't want to break up and that there was no one else and blah blah blah. ...the next weekend she broke up with me and confessed she had been seeing someone else. I was devastated and heartbroken. I called her constantly wanting to talk (this was before cell phones and txting etc) I talked to her mom to see if she could give me any insight on what to do. (her mom did like me but she told me to accept the loss, move on and date other girls. Her mom had the perfect advice, but I didn't want to hear it) I chased her. I pleaded with her. I negotiated and bargained with her and I promised her the world. After about 6 weeks of this, her other guy dumped her and she accepted one of my offers. I was on cloud 9 and thought I hit one out of the ballpark and was a genius. I was wrong. The next few months were frustrating and chronically dissatisfying. We constantly bickered and fought. She was disrespectful and demeaning and dismissive to me. She had a short relapse with the other guy and I dated another girl for a short time. she found out about the other girl and was furious. We kind of trickled back together after few weeks and things seemed to be getting a little better and I was hopeful. for a few more months, things actually seemed to be kind of good. Then things dropped off the cliff again and were more frustrating and more dissatisfying and more exasperating than before. Finally she gave me the "we need to talk" line and I knew the end was nigh. She gave me the 'I Love You But Not In Love With You' and broke up with me. I was bummed and sad of course, but things had been so frustrating and dissatisfying I didn't fight it this time. I called her a few times to "check in" and see how things were with her and some times she was even pleasant and polite but I could tell by the tone in her voice it was really over and I was 75% ok with that. In time I started dating other girls again and within a short period of time dating other girls, I quickly realized she and I were truly NOT meant to be together. I thought we were soul mates because she was my first and I had nothing else to compare it to. I quickly learned that she was in reality the least compatible person I was ever in an actual relationship with and I thank my lucky stars she at least had the wisdom and insight to realize it. Now 30+ years later here is my take away - I am glad she was my first. That first summer was idyllic and we really did care for each other and it was a great summer romance and first love. I don't regret dating her or being involved with her or her being my first at all. Here is what I regret - I regret the time and energy I spent chasing her after things turned to $hi^. I regret the continued turmoil and aggravation I experienced trying to rekindle our dying flame. I regret the other dating opportunities I could have had instead of barking up that tree. I regret the blow to my self esteem and my confidence that she put me through all those months in a crappy dead-end relationship that should have ended many months earlier. I don't regret the break up at all. The break up with the second best thing we ever did. I regret the time and energy I wasted and all the aggravation of trying to figure out what I was doing wrong and how to win her back. You are in that stage now. As someone older and wiser and as someone who has seen this scenario play out countless times, my advice is walk away and don't look back. Move forward, don't look over your shoulder. Let her go. Enjoy your memories but don't spend another minute trying to relive those memories because YOU WILL TAINT THEM with the frustration and aggravation that will go through now. Move on and start meeting, getting to know and dating other women. go out and party with friends. Go fishing or golfing or whatever it is you do for fun with your buddies. Live your life for you and not for her. She dumped you which means she forfets and waives any comfort or companionship from you. Take an "all-in, or all-out" mindset. You are either dating a woman and are in a full-service relationship with her and you will give her what you have to offer. Or she is just another face on Planet Earth. You WILL survive this and prevail. Some day you will be the old and wise man advising your son or another young man and you will advise the same thing as me. It hurts to let go but it is the better option and the less painful one in the long run. 1
Author Deonneh Posted October 5, 2015 Author Posted October 5, 2015 I'm curious about what response you expected to a text that said "hey"...? That's no effort. No emotion and gives her nothing to work from. What the heck did you think you were accomplishing with so little effort at open communication? I said more than that, I just said hey in my OP as a general greeting,
oldshirt Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 See, the thing is is I know it's okay to want a relationship or nothing at all. But the thing is is I live very far from her and we would only see each other once every few months. So i feel like it'd be different if we didn't life so far away, but since we do there's no real chance of dating Til we may live near again. I'm going to be dating other girls too. I want to be intimate with her but she doesn't want that. But i do love her and probably always will, and I feel better with her in my life than without, and I don't want to lose her from my life. Is that wrong? LOL, that's so funny. That's so funny because that truly is the exact same line I used on my old girlfriend so many years ago. This is like deja vu all over again. Please read the following very carefully and reread it a few times if you have to for it to soak in because yes it is wrong to pursue her remaining in your life. What is deleterious here is that for every phone call you make and every txt and every Skype you make with her, you are doing several things that all work against you. - it wastes time, energy and bandwidth that you could be spending having fun with your buddies or getting to know other girls. - it gives her validation and nurturing and allows her to use your services and resources while giving you nothing that you want in return. - when you do that, she loses respect for you and sees you as weak and desperate and that in turn causes her to lose that much more attraction and desire for you, virtually guaranteeing that she will never desire you again. - it teaches her that she can manipulate and use you at no cost to her. - it gives you false hope and causes you to hang on and think that you may have a future with her if conditions change later down the road. This will cause you to put your current life on hold and you will essentially put yourself on reserve for her and sit on the shelf waiting for her to return. NEVER WAIT FOR ANYONE! All-in or all-out. Let that become your new mantra. So in that sense, yes it really IS wrong to rather have her in your life than not in it. Because with her in it, you will stagnate and not move forward. I know you didn't want this relationship to end and you want to be with her. But for a relationship to work, both people have to want it and work on it. she doesn't. Game over. Even if she lived across the street, she would have to want the relationship in order for it to work. And I don't believe in LTRs and think that even if she was wanting to remain in the relationship, with the distance, it would still decay and crumble. This is a no-win situation. I am sorry for your loss and your pain, but it's over. remaining in the relationship and having the relationship is not an option but you do have choices here. Your choice is you can continue to chase and pine for her and waste time and energy and subject yourself to frustration and aggravation which will destroy your self esteem and confidence which will ruin your chances of finding love with someone else and just generally make yourself miserable. Or you can shed tears of mourning for your loss into your pillow tonight and then tomorrow morning at first light begin a new day and put this all behind you and start moving forward with your own life and start living and having fun and meeting new people and dating again. That choice is yours. 30+ years ago I chose to chase and pine and burn energy. that choice harmed me and I regret it now. The next time we split, I chose to move on. That was the right choice and I benifited from it. I urge you not to make my mistake and the mistake of millions of other men and just mourn the loss like a death. mourn it, have a good cry. Then bury it and move on with your own life. your first love died. I am sorry for your loss. Mourn it. Give it an honorable funeral and bury it. then move on with your own life. 1
Author Deonneh Posted October 5, 2015 Author Posted October 5, 2015 LOL, that's so funny. That's so funny because that truly is the exact same line I used on my old girlfriend so many years ago. This is like deja vu all over again. Please read the following very carefully and reread it a few times if you have to for it to soak in because yes it is wrong to pursue her remaining in your life. What is deleterious here is that for every phone call you make and every txt and every Skype you make with her, you are doing several things that all work against you. - it wastes time, energy and bandwidth that you could be spending having fun with your buddies or getting to know other girls. - it gives her validation and nurturing and allows her to use your services and resources while giving you nothing that you want in return. - when you do that, she loses respect for you and sees you as weak and desperate and that in turn causes her to lose that much more attraction and desire for you, virtually guaranteeing that she will never desire you again. - it teaches her that she can manipulate and use you at no cost to her. - it gives you false hope and causes you to hang on and think that you may have a future with her if conditions change later down the road. This will cause you to put your current life on hold and you will essentially put yourself on reserve for her and sit on the shelf waiting for her to return. NEVER WAIT FOR ANYONE! All-in or all-out. Let that become your new mantra. So in that sense, yes it really IS wrong to rather have her in your life than not in it. Because with her in it, you will stagnate and not move forward. I know you didn't want this relationship to end and you want to be with her. But for a relationship to work, both people have to want it and work on it. she doesn't. Game over. Even if she lived across the street, she would have to want the relationship in order for it to work. And I don't believe in LTRs and think that even if she was wanting to remain in the relationship, with the distance, it would still decay and crumble. This is a no-win situation. I am sorry for your loss and your pain, but it's over. remaining in the relationship and having the relationship is not an option but you do have choices here. Your choice is you can continue to chase and pine for her and waste time and energy and subject yourself to frustration and aggravation which will destroy your self esteem and confidence which will ruin your chances of finding love with someone else and just generally make yourself miserable. Or you can shed tears of mourning for your loss into your pillow tonight and then tomorrow morning at first light begin a new day and put this all behind you and start moving forward with your own life and start living and having fun and meeting new people and dating again. That choice is yours. 30+ years ago I chose to chase and pine and burn energy. that choice harmed me and I regret it now. The next time we split, I chose to move on. That was the right choice and I benifited from it. I urge you not to make my mistake and the mistake of millions of other men and just mourn the loss like a death. mourn it, have a good cry. Then bury it and move on with your own life. your first love died. I am sorry for your loss. Mourn it. Give it an honorable funeral and bury it. then move on with your own life. Should I say something to her, or just disappear
oldshirt Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 Should I say something to her, or just disappear you should just carry on with your own life as if she is gone. .....because she is. Don't do anything based on her. Do whatever you want, when you want, how you want, with whoever you want without any regards or thoughts to her at all. If that is what you mean by "disappear" then so be it.
coryreply Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 LOL, that's so funny. That's so funny because that truly is the exact same line I used on my old girlfriend so many years ago. This is like deja vu all over again. Please read the following very carefully and reread it a few times if you have to for it to soak in because yes it is wrong to pursue her remaining in your life. What is deleterious here is that for every phone call you make and every txt and every Skype you make with her, you are doing several things that all work against you. - it wastes time, energy and bandwidth that you could be spending having fun with your buddies or getting to know other girls. - it gives her validation and nurturing and allows her to use your services and resources while giving you nothing that you want in return. - when you do that, she loses respect for you and sees you as weak and desperate and that in turn causes her to lose that much more attraction and desire for you, virtually guaranteeing that she will never desire you again. - it teaches her that she can manipulate and use you at no cost to her. - it gives you false hope and causes you to hang on and think that you may have a future with her if conditions change later down the road. This will cause you to put your current life on hold and you will essentially put yourself on reserve for her and sit on the shelf waiting for her to return. NEVER WAIT FOR ANYONE! All-in or all-out. Let that become your new mantra. So in that sense, yes it really IS wrong to rather have her in your life than not in it. Because with her in it, you will stagnate and not move forward. I know you didn't want this relationship to end and you want to be with her. But for a relationship to work, both people have to want it and work on it. she doesn't. Game over. Even if she lived across the street, she would have to want the relationship in order for it to work. And I don't believe in LTRs and think that even if she was wanting to remain in the relationship, with the distance, it would still decay and crumble. This is a no-win situation. I am sorry for your loss and your pain, but it's over. remaining in the relationship and having the relationship is not an option but you do have choices here. Your choice is you can continue to chase and pine for her and waste time and energy and subject yourself to frustration and aggravation which will destroy your self esteem and confidence which will ruin your chances of finding love with someone else and just generally make yourself miserable. Or you can shed tears of mourning for your loss into your pillow tonight and then tomorrow morning at first light begin a new day and put this all behind you and start moving forward with your own life and start living and having fun and meeting new people and dating again. That choice is yours. 30+ years ago I chose to chase and pine and burn energy. that choice harmed me and I regret it now. The next time we split, I chose to move on. That was the right choice and I benifited from it. I urge you not to make my mistake and the mistake of millions of other men and just mourn the loss like a death. mourn it, have a good cry. Then bury it and move on with your own life. your first love died. I am sorry for your loss. Mourn it. Give it an honorable funeral and bury it. then move on with your own life. This is right on, man.
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