Toodaloo Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 Incredibility right but incredibly hard to do in practice. I am sitting on the fence at the moment. Well off you jump and make a decision. It should be no worse than asking a chum out to an event.
StocksnBlondes Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 Its such a hard thing to do though. Maybe sounds wimp like but its just difficult to stump up that amount of courage to actually ask someone out. My usual is : would you perhaps like to meet up sometime Combined with "I like spending time with you". I don't know if that's not too subtle. Practice on a female friend and ask how your doing. Practice with the lampshade first.
StocksnBlondes Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 Its such a hard thing to do though. Maybe sounds wimp like but its just difficult to stump up that amount of courage to actually ask someone out. My usual is : would you perhaps like to meet up sometime Combined with "I like spending time with you". I don't know if that's not too subtle. ZA ...I'd up your game a little ...be specific about the date. "Hey I've got 2 tickets to paradise next Friday night ...would you like join me?" You could also ask a question like "do you like art walks? There's one next Thursday ...would you like to go with me?" Or you could say "you seem like a girl who likes a good comedy. Want to go see the new ____ movie next Saturday?" When you put "perhaps" and "sometime" in the same sentence you don't sound like a confident man whose on a mission. Close the deal. It's sales 101 Please drop the "I like spending time with you" ...that would make me feel uncomfortable at the beginning 1
todreaminblue Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 Its not too subtle but it is "flakey" and not decisive. If you get the rest of your body language wrong at the same time you risk coming off as a weirdo. Instead try. "I have heard of a play (or other such thing) that is on at the moment and I really think we both would enjoy. I will get tickets for Thursday if you are free that evening?" or "I heard someone say that X restaurant is supposed to produce the most scrumptious *pick a food*, how about you come with me on Thursday night and we can find out" Those are examples of ways you can ask the question while still being decisive and also not having to go back to the school days "will you go out with me"... its also a better way to show confidence with this approach......deb
Author ZA Dater Posted October 6, 2015 Author Posted October 6, 2015 Well off you jump and make a decision. It should be no worse than asking a chum out to an event. I have actually made a decision, it doesn't sit well with me but its the best one for me I think. My friends are not happy about it at all but its really my life and its my emotional state so ultimately I decide. This thread had provided much useful advice and shown me where I have perpetually messed up in the past.
Author ZA Dater Posted October 6, 2015 Author Posted October 6, 2015 Practice on a female friend and ask how your doing. I don't have any female friends.
shet Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 I struggled with this for most of my adult life until fairly recently, for a succession of reasons over the years. To begin with as a teen, because I was shy - I couldn't talk to women. Then, because I was self loathing - I believed there was something uniquely disgusting about me. Then, because I overcomplicated it - if I didn't know if I liked her or she liked me how was I supposed to try setting things in motion. Then in the end, because of a kind of professionalism and respect - it felt like asking someone out was often or usually going to cause upset somewhere, either professionally, or between myself and other friends, or just between her and I if we're friends, or even just in the moment - manys the gathering I've been at where I didn't want to ruin a good time by coming onto someone. It felt cheap to want to ask a woman out just because I fancied her, like I owed her a deeper bond first - one which I would never get to form. My breakthrough has come as I've reached my thirties. The secret is, it doesn't matter. Not because the women will brush it off - on the contrary, many will judge you, you may be laughed at, budding friendships may well be ruined, you might even cause a string of gossip that sticks to you for years. But because it doesn't matter to you. At all times we know where we are in life and where we intend to go, even if it's vague. I am a single man looking for a partner to be with, not even to get laid. That is very simple and honest and it's the only mandate I need to ask someone I like out. If they look aghast, or run away and never talk to you again, or sneer at you for 3 years after, so be it - I did nothing wrong. When I can go to parties and watch pickup artists with fashionable looks hook up with drunk tarts, I know what wrong is and that I'm not doing it. In the end you raise your hands and laugh at the absurdity of it all, and when you can laugh at a thing, it can't hurt you any more. Strive to reach that point and you will cease having problems asking people out. 1
smackie9 Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 I don't have any female friends. Practice on uggos or girls that don't intimidate you. You are not obligated in any way to date them, you are only chatting them up.
Author ZA Dater Posted October 6, 2015 Author Posted October 6, 2015 Practice on uggos or girls that don't intimidate you. You are not obligated in any way to date them, you are only chatting them up. Does doing this on Tinder count.. 1
Author ZA Dater Posted October 6, 2015 Author Posted October 6, 2015 I struggled with this for most of my adult life until fairly recently, for a succession of reasons over the years. To begin with as a teen, because I was shy - I couldn't talk to women. Then, because I was self loathing - I believed there was something uniquely disgusting about me. Then, because I overcomplicated it - if I didn't know if I liked her or she liked me how was I supposed to try setting things in motion. Then in the end, because of a kind of professionalism and respect - it felt like asking someone out was often or usually going to cause upset somewhere, either professionally, or between myself and other friends, or just between her and I if we're friends, or even just in the moment - manys the gathering I've been at where I didn't want to ruin a good time by coming onto someone. It felt cheap to want to ask a woman out just because I fancied her, like I owed her a deeper bond first - one which I would never get to form. My breakthrough has come as I've reached my thirties. The secret is, it doesn't matter. Not because the women will brush it off - on the contrary, many will judge you, you may be laughed at, budding friendships may well be ruined, you might even cause a string of gossip that sticks to you for years. But because it doesn't matter to you. At all times we know where we are in life and where we intend to go, even if it's vague. I am a single man looking for a partner to be with, not even to get laid. That is very simple and honest and it's the only mandate I need to ask someone I like out. If they look aghast, or run away and never talk to you again, or sneer at you for 3 years after, so be it - I did nothing wrong. When I can go to parties and watch pickup artists with fashionable looks hook up with drunk tarts, I know what wrong is and that I'm not doing it. In the end you raise your hands and laugh at the absurdity of it all, and when you can laugh at a thing, it can't hurt you any more. Strive to reach that point and you will cease having problems asking people out. I really cant thank you enough for typing and sharing this. In so many ways I can relate to everything above, especially the bold bits. Did you ever feel intense regret for wanting to do more but due to being shy simply not doing it? At the moment I am essentially chasing a difficult ideal but am fairly motivated to achieve it and in many ways I need to take on the advice you have given me. Friends are chasing me "oh just get laid" "ask her to hook up", that's never been me, firstly I haven't hooked up ever and secondly for me its about connection and personality with some looks thrown in, for my friends its ALL about looks and nothing else.
smackie9 Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 Does doing this on Tinder count.. In real life, in person, face to face is the only way to push your confidence level forward. 1
StocksnBlondes Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 I don't have any female friends. You seem to have an excuse for everything. You're in a perpetual loop ...a doldrum. Go make a female friend. Go to a bar and chat up some girls and ask them to help you. Tell them you just need dating help and tell them why. Girls will have a good time with that and it's endearing to be enlisted in someone's success. As someone else said in here ...sorry can't remember moniker but you liked the advice ...you're way overcomplicating this instead of having a little fun with it. And remember ...when you've got the lingo down ...it's a numbers game ...don't put just one person on a pedestal until you've got the whole thing down then go for your Venus.
carhill Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 I don't have any female friends. That's OK! Try it on male friends. Try it on people you meet on the street and interact with. Heck, I do it when traveling and encountering strangers in airports or on airplanes. Hey, can I buy you a drink in the club? The person getting the offer wasn't always a woman! In fact, very rarely, usually a seatmate or FA I ended up chatting with on the plane. Most all of them were married. Still, no matter. It's the process. It's getting used to expressing interest in general. Once that is down, then expressing romantic interest gets much easier and more fluid.
shet Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 Did you ever feel intense regret for wanting to do more but due to being shy simply not doing it? Only from the long ago era when I was shy. I could happily spend an evening getting drunk and talking about teenage regrets - my life would be very different now if I had a do-over. I haven't been shy since I started my twenties. I may have had terrible self esteem but I wasn't shy about trying, where I could (not often). There's a bunch of phrases about this, along the lines of "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take". You may look and feel like **** and be poor and have nothing going for you life-wise, but you have to try. I think having continued trying, armed and armoured me against the whole thing, leaving me more capable today. Of course that only works in hindsight looking back.
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