ZA Dater Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 The above may seem pretty trivial. How do you show you like someone, I always though the very rare people I have liked, I have shown I did like then, either via gifts or just perhaps body language. Based on my experience, neither of these work so my question is besides actually telling how do you show a fondness and how do you tell if someone is fond of you? If you ask, how do you phrase it without being so ambiguous the person cant understand what you are saying (if anyone wants to try the ambiguous way I can help, for its something I am rather too talented at). At what point do you ask someone out for a date, the level of interest? Do you try and see if they are interested or just simply ask and hope for the best?
Toodaloo Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 ZA - you have just got to cut to the chase and tell them. In fact don't bother telling them just get stuck in and ask them out... So much easier... They will understand that you fancy them if you just ask them out.
Revan32 Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 If I'm not sure if a girl likes me, I'll try touching them a little. Just a little brief touch on the waist or lower back. I'll also kinda stand a little closer than whats normal. Pretty much 100% of the time, if they don't move away or seem uncomfortable with my touching them it means they are open to being asked out.
Author ZA Dater Posted October 5, 2015 Author Posted October 5, 2015 ZA - you have just got to cut to the chase and tell them. In fact don't bother telling them just get stuck in and ask them out... So much easier... They will understand that you fancy them if you just ask them out. Its such a hard thing to do though. Maybe sounds wimp like but its just difficult to stump up that amount of courage to actually ask someone out. My usual is : would you perhaps like to meet up sometime Combined with "I like spending time with you". I don't know if that's not too subtle.
Author ZA Dater Posted October 5, 2015 Author Posted October 5, 2015 If I'm not sure if a girl likes me, I'll try touching them a little. Just a little brief touch on the waist or lower back. I'll also kinda stand a little closer than whats normal. Pretty much 100% of the time, if they don't move away or seem uncomfortable with my touching them it means they are open to being asked out. Very interesting so one can conclude if she were to stand close to me it may indicate some interest. FYI I am just trying to understand the mechanics of everything. Not 100% sure I want to actually get back into this pool.
Toodaloo Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 Its such a hard thing to do though. Maybe sounds wimp like but its just difficult to stump up that amount of courage to actually ask someone out. My usual is : would you perhaps like to meet up sometime Combined with "I like spending time with you". I don't know if that's not too subtle. Its not too subtle but it is "flakey" and not decisive. If you get the rest of your body language wrong at the same time you risk coming off as a weirdo. Instead try. "I have heard of a play (or other such thing) that is on at the moment and I really think we both would enjoy. I will get tickets for Thursday if you are free that evening?" or "I heard someone say that X restaurant is supposed to produce the most scrumptious *pick a food*, how about you come with me on Thursday night and we can find out" Those are examples of ways you can ask the question while still being decisive and also not having to go back to the school days "will you go out with me"... 3
Author ZA Dater Posted October 5, 2015 Author Posted October 5, 2015 Its not too subtle but it is "flakey" and not decisive. If you get the rest of your body language wrong at the same time you risk coming off as a weirdo. Instead try. "I have heard of a play (or other such thing) that is on at the moment and I really think we both would enjoy. I will get tickets for Thursday if you are free that evening?" or "I heard someone say that X restaurant is supposed to produce the most scrumptious *pick a food*, how about you come with me on Thursday night and we can find out" Those are examples of ways you can ask the question while still being decisive and also not having to go back to the school days "will you go out with me"... Perhaps the more serious problem is I cant ask someone to their face. Ashamed to admit that but all (the very rare) times I have asked someone its been the flakey method above and over e mail or text. Doing a lot of introspection today.
carhill Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 Well, do you have a problem asking a friend to an event or function? If not, work that angle and spend more time inviting friends to their face and dealing with the results since not every response will be a yes. IME, the key to successful 'asking' is to do it early, if 'like' progresses fast for you, and to remind yourself that 'like' is sexual hormonal stuff and the person is, like we all are, imperfect and a mixed bag of stuff, some sweet and some malodorous. In other words, sure, like, but care less. When I look back upon the healthy relationships in life that I had, the clearest indicator of like was expressing interest in spending time with me, consistently, and expressing interest in my life and times. It wasn't 'sweet talk'. That was more the realm of the Hoovers and married women. I found that instructive. Filter as you find appropriate. Good luck.
smackie9 Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 Perhaps the more serious problem is I cant ask someone to their face. Ashamed to admit that but all (the very rare) times I have asked someone its been the flakey method above and over e mail or text. Doing a lot of introspection today. Sorry but confidence wins the girl. I have talked to a few young ladies I work with and they said if a guy can't ask them out then the guy doesn't value them enough to do it. You may not feel that way about the girl, but it is their perspective. Girls do not, and I have to admit I didn't like it either, when guys go the flaky route. One example is getting to the girl to go out for drinks, but make it like a bunch of other coworkers are coming too, but they were never invited, to get her to say yes. And yes the email/text is a turn off to a lot of ladies. No one wants to date a coward/socially awkward/shy guy. They want a man. Nothing wrong with being a little nervous, we all get nervous....you can get over this fear if you push yourself to do it more often. 2
Toodaloo Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 Sorry but confidence wins the girl. I have talked to a few young ladies I work with and they said if a guy can't ask them out then the guy doesn't value them enough to do it. You may not feel that way about the girl, but it is their perspective. Girls do not, and I have to admit I didn't like it either, when guys go the flaky route. One example is getting to the girl to go out for drinks, but make it like a bunch of other coworkers are coming too, but they were never invited, to get her to say yes. And yes the email/text is a turn off to a lot of ladies. No one wants to date a coward/socially awkward/shy guy. They want a man. Nothing wrong with being a little nervous, we all get nervous....you can get over this fear if you push yourself to do it more often. Wot she saiz... Sorry I was practising text speak at a vague attempt at humour... I apologise for the pathetic attempt! ZA - You just gotta do it. If she says no who cares? If she says yes - great? I think what you really need to do the most is to stop caring what random women think and relax enough to laugh at yourself and be able to make mistakes without getting your knickers in a twist! I am really looking to the day when you can come here and joke with us about messing up asking someone out. Or going on a date and doing something daft. I was driving a date once and ran a red light then nearly went into a couple of cyclists... I couldn't help it I just laughed! I had only met the guy twice so why should I give two hoots what he thinks???!! If you had that attitude and didn't put so much pressure on yourself you would be a formidable date! Relax ZA. Laugh. Stop taking it all so seriously and beating yourself up so much. Know your worth and be confident in your worth! 1
Author ZA Dater Posted October 5, 2015 Author Posted October 5, 2015 Sorry but confidence wins the girl. I have talked to a few young ladies I work with and they said if a guy can't ask them out then the guy doesn't value them enough to do it. You may not feel that way about the girl, but it is their perspective. Girls do not, and I have to admit I didn't like it either, when guys go the flaky route. One example is getting to the girl to go out for drinks, but make it like a bunch of other coworkers are coming too, but they were never invited, to get her to say yes. And yes the email/text is a turn off to a lot of ladies. No one wants to date a coward/socially awkward/shy guy. They want a man. Nothing wrong with being a little nervous, we all get nervous....you can get over this fear if you push yourself to do it more often. Generally I do what I do because I can't determine interest. Need to live with fact this flaky route may have cost me badly. Again I learn something here!
Author ZA Dater Posted October 5, 2015 Author Posted October 5, 2015 Wot she saiz... Sorry I was practising text speak at a vague attempt at humour... I apologise for the pathetic attempt! ZA - You just gotta do it. If she says no who cares? If she says yes - great? I think what you really need to do the most is to stop caring what random women think and relax enough to laugh at yourself and be able to make mistakes without getting your knickers in a twist! I am really looking to the day when you can come here and joke with us about messing up asking someone out. Or going on a date and doing something daft. I was driving a date once and ran a red light then nearly went into a couple of cyclists... I couldn't help it I just laughed! I had only met the guy twice so why should I give two hoots what he thinks???!! If you had that attitude and didn't put so much pressure on yourself you would be a formidable date! Relax ZA. Laugh. Stop taking it all so seriously and beating yourself up so much. Know your worth and be confident in your worth! Incredibility right but incredibly hard to do in practice. I am sitting on the fence at the moment.
Fletch Lives Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 That's the whole point, they don't care a whole bunch what your interest level is. They appreciate it, but are waaaaaaaaaaaay more consumed by their own feelings. If they like you, all you have to do is show up for the date and shake your money-maker!
Author ZA Dater Posted October 5, 2015 Author Posted October 5, 2015 So basically one must be direct. Maybe one day if I climb back into the pool I will get a yes.
ManyDissapoint Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 The above may seem pretty trivial. How do you show you like someone, I always though the very rare people I have liked, I have shown I did like then, either via gifts or just perhaps body language. Based on my experience, neither of these work so my question is besides actually telling how do you show a fondness and how do you tell if someone is fond of you? If you ask, how do you phrase it without being so ambiguous the person cant understand what you are saying (if anyone wants to try the ambiguous way I can help, for its something I am rather too talented at). At what point do you ask someone out for a date, the level of interest? Do you try and see if they are interested or just simply ask and hope for the best? I ask her if she has a boyfriend. If she says no I ask her if she would like to grab a drink sometime. The boyfriend thing may be coming on a little strong...not sure. But it seems to at least clear up my intentions.
smackie9 Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 You can never ever know if someone is interested unless you ask them out. There have been plenty of females on here asking us "why hasn't he asked me out yet??" Asking if they have a BF is just fine, and not coming on too strong.
Author ZA Dater Posted October 5, 2015 Author Posted October 5, 2015 Thanks for the advice, as usual its quite helpful. I just really battle with this, going to have to try and overcome that, on the extremely rare occasion I have wanted to ask someone out I just have been a mouth full of awkwardness and felt truly terrible afterwards. Naturally they weren't interested. For me its easier to send gifts, e mails, texts but actually speaking to them is near to impossible, sometimes I "I like spending time with you" but that's quite wishy washy at best. I tend to try and look for any sign she may be interested but ladies don't seem to convey interest.
normal person Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 If you ask, how do you phrase it without being so ambiguous the person cant understand what you are saying (if anyone wants to try the ambiguous way I can help, for its something I am rather too talented at). At what point do you ask someone out for a date, the level of interest? Do you try and see if they are interested or just simply ask and hope for the best? Don't be ambiguous. Be very direct. Here's why: if you're out of high school, you should really be beyond the whole "being embarrassed to show desire for someone else." It's a completely normal experience to have, and being too afraid to admit it is a turn off. If you're an adult who can't get beyond this stage, you're at the bottom of the sexual food chain. You've got to psych yourself out of this and realize that it's completely normal for you to be attracted to someone, that they realize that, and that it's actually way more unattractive to be unable to act on or even articulate your desire for someone. Women like to be chased (figuratively). It's all part of the big mating dance. You can't show discomfort with the process. Show that you enjoy partaking in it. If you don't, fake it 'til you make it. Usually, if someone likes you, you'll know. You probably don't have to ask to find out. If you can't quite tell, there's nothing wrong with just saying "Hey, I like you, do you want to ..." and you'll get your answer. Saying it confidently without the hesitation or reluctance might actually make you seem more attractive. Best of luck.
Qboro90 Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 In my opinion it's rather difficult to just ask out a girl that you have basically no previous interaction with or level of communication aligned. You can have all the confidence in the world and go up to a pretty girl saying all the right things and close with "I'd love to take you out sometime and get to know you better/seems like we have a lot in common"... But even that is a toss up because odds are the girl is going to be thinkin "wait, I don't even know this guy and he's asking me out." Which leads to their defense mechanism of turning you down or making an excuse why they can't. Majority of the girls I've been out with I've established some kind of rapport with beforehand. Whether i met them out at a bar or club or party or if I knew them through friends or school or work, I would always start with conversing in small bursts or once texting came along then I would do that to establish that we could talk outside of the environment we met in and still have it feel comfortable. Going up to women and straight up saying you're into them or want to take them out is 9 times out of 10 not going to end well no matter how you approach it. That's just an unorthodox thing for women to hear and brings out their defense mindset when in fact they would've been open to going out with you had you just taken the time to show them that you're not a threat, or creepy, or strange guy simply by talking to them a couple more times or interacting where they can see you're not a bad dude. 1
Qboro90 Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 Thanks for the advice, as usual its quite helpful. I just really battle with this, going to have to try and overcome that, on the extremely rare occasion I have wanted to ask someone out I just have been a mouth full of awkwardness and felt truly terrible afterwards. Naturally they weren't interested. For me its easier to send gifts, e mails, texts but actually speaking to them is near to impossible, sometimes I "I like spending time with you" but that's quite wishy washy at best. I tend to try and look for any sign she may be interested but ladies don't seem to convey interest. I think one thing you need to learn how to push past is looking for a woman to express interest in you before you make a move. Most women will not show their interest or even be aware of it because they don't like to be that transparent with men. And in my experience, unless you're an incredibly good looking self confident social guy then then women aren't going to be outwardly interested in you to the point where they're giving you hints to make you aware. Now I've had girls clearly express their attraction towards me whether it be by flirtatious looks while out, coming up to talk and strike a conversation, etc. those opportunities and women are few and far between and if I had to guess I'd say that's not something that you're going to be lucky enough to run into. No big deal. The majority of girls that I've went out with in all likelihood never saw me as a guy they wanted to date or thought of romantically. You have to remember that the women you are surrounded by don't look at all the men around them and just think "oh he's cute I'd go out with him/ or he's interesting , I'm interested in getting To know him more". Doesn't work like that. If you accept the fact that just because a woman isn't showing visible interest in you, that doesn't mean she cannot be approached and shown what a fun guy you are. If you ask most couples how they met I guarantee that the majority of them will tell you that it was something that developed over time and not because it was an immediate attraction where they both just knew immediately.
joseb Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 Thanks for the advice, as usual its quite helpful. I just really battle with this, going to have to try and overcome that, on the extremely rare occasion I have wanted to ask someone out I just have been a mouth full of awkwardness and felt truly terrible afterwards. Naturally they weren't interested. For me its easier to send gifts, e mails, texts but actually speaking to them is near to impossible, sometimes I "I like spending time with you" but that's quite wishy washy at best. I tend to try and look for any sign she may be interested but ladies don't seem to convey interest. It's not easy for anyone ZA. The only thing that makes it easier is constant practise. Eventually it will be easier. But I've asked out 100s of girls and I still find it hard, especially ones I really like. You just have to push through it. Feel the fear and do it anyway. Maybe take some impromptu classes or something that forces you to get outside your comfort zone. Sending gifts? Just no. That's weird. Emails and texts - sure they are easier, but far far less effective.
thecrucible Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 Going up to women and straight up saying you're into them or want to take them out is 9 times out of 10 not going to end well no matter how you approach it. That's just an unorthodox thing for women to hear and brings out their defense mindset when in fact they would've been open to going out with you had you just taken the time to show them that you're not a threat, or creepy, or strange guy simply by talking to them a couple more times or interacting where they can see you're not a bad dude. It's good to build a rapport first. I completely agree. It's not like I find it creepy for a guy to ask me out but if it's out of the blue then I don't expect it and makes me feel less comfortable as I don't even know what the guy is like in order to make a decision on whether to go on date. This has happened to me a couple of times. At work recently (I work front desk at a tourist attraction), a random guy said "Hey I think you're kind of cute. Are you single?". I lied and said I wasn't as I didn't want him to think I was rejecting him for a personal reason. But I didn't want to say yes as I didn't know him at all. Another guy once stopped me in the street to ask me on a date and I thought "hey why not?" but he turned out to be mega weird so I'm really cautious now.
Imported Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 Whatever you do, don't fantasize about a girl YOU DON'T KNOW believing she is "the one" and so perfect and you truly love her "for her" and not just because she looks kinda cute and once said something nice to you. Which is probably why you fantasized about her huh That's so much pressure. On her. She'll probably reject you because it's too much. Ask her sooner than later. And not in a way where it protects your ego if she says no. 3
Author ZA Dater Posted October 6, 2015 Author Posted October 6, 2015 Thanks everyone for the advice. I am on sabbatical at the moment, not sure I really want to return to be honest. This advice is useful should I decide to walk back onto the field. For me I only really like someone if I have had an opportunity to talk to them. So I'd need to work in that part as well.
Author ZA Dater Posted October 6, 2015 Author Posted October 6, 2015 I think one thing you need to learn how to push past is looking for a woman to express interest in you before you make a move. Most women will not show their interest or even be aware of it because they don't like to be that transparent with men. And in my experience, unless you're an incredibly good looking self confident social guy then then women aren't going to be outwardly interested in you to the point where they're giving you hints to make you aware. Now I've had girls clearly express their attraction towards me whether it be by flirtatious looks while out, coming up to talk and strike a conversation, etc. those opportunities and women are few and far between and if I had to guess I'd say that's not something that you're going to be lucky enough to run into. No big deal. The majority of girls that I've went out with in all likelihood never saw me as a guy they wanted to date or thought of romantically. You have to remember that the women you are surrounded by don't look at all the men around them and just think "oh he's cute I'd go out with him/ or he's interesting , I'm interested in getting To know him more". Doesn't work like that. If you accept the fact that just because a woman isn't showing visible interest in you, that doesn't mean she cannot be approached and shown what a fun guy you are. If you ask most couples how they met I guarantee that the majority of them will tell you that it was something that developed over time and not because it was an immediate attraction where they both just knew immediately. I'd need to learn to be a fun guy first ha-ha
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