The first date with a former platonic friend

[skier10]

Some backstory: We've been friends for years but after her boyfriend cheated on her and she dumped him six months ago and she came to me in the aftermath I've fallen for her. At first she was obviously deep down the rebound rabbit hole and I indulged her a little. I did fun stuff with her but tried to confine it to just fun (didn't let her whine too much, cry on my shoulder, etc. Also didn't hook up with her or anything) A few months passed and we ended up doing very 'datey' things (dinners, museums, drives in the mountains, etc). I still didn't act at that time because I was just beginning to fall for her, I was scared, I thought she was probably still rebounding and I was going to be gone all summer.

 

Now I'm back and are seeing each other more regularly. She isn't as overtly flirty as she was but she also seems to be more over the breakup. I still think she in interested however; she has one evening and one day off each week (between job, 2 internships and school) yet she has spent both days with me for the past two weeks. At least half of that time we have spent alone together (dinner's lunches, wandering the mall) and when we had a plan to go see her little bro's college ball game with her parents, she suggested we bail and just go to dinner instead. We ended up going and nearly the whole time we were driving there and back our arms were 'coincidentally' touching over the center console of the car. She was also much chattier when her parents were not there. The following day we want to lunch together then I had to go but we were both finding excuses keep hanging out ('oh you should drive over there so I can show you where my internship is' and 'oh can you show me where that run starts that you were telling me about'). She also was displaying the classic signs of attraction that she was eager to laugh at my jokes and she was playing with her hair so much that she was actually pulling it out haha. The only potentially negative sign I have seen from her was that she occasionally mentioned other guys that she had a crush on but she is always quick to qualify that 'it would never happen'

 

Anyway question at hand: I think the signs are there and that I should ask her out. Seeing as she is a friend and we really do know each other deeper than the typical first date stuff already, what should I suggest doing for a first date (thinking of an overtly romantic restaurant then maybe a drive in the mountains to look at the stars and drink wine) and what should be the goals and limits of this type of first date? I want it to be an event that, if she agrees to, will definitely change the feel of our relationship from friendly (if our's qualifies as strictly that) to something with a romantic feel.

 

Sorry for the long post, thanks for the input and feel free to ask questions, I'll try to respond!

[Shepp]

I think this is a really great question! I think relationships from friendships are either really really great or never really get off the ground, whether the first date plays a part in that I don't really know but I was in a similar situation.

 

I was friends with my wife for over 4 years (since we were 15) before we ever dated. We were crazy close, spent a lot of time together and quiet physical too, she was happy to cuddle up to me, we'd even had a few kisses, so probably a bit more blurred lines than you guys have. But even so she was dead reluctant to get into a relationship, thought she'd just wreck it all. To cut a super long story short eventually she agreed to give us like a two week shot. If she still didn't want to take our relationship to the next level after that then just friends we'd be.

 

I massively over thought that first date! What would be different to what we'd done together already? What would make her think that she wanted to be my date not just my buddy? I thought I needed some huge sweeping gesture.

Then I came to the realisation I was looking at it all wrong! Any guy could, and lots quiet happily would, dress up smart and take her to a super fancy restaurant, maybe with like music or candles on the table. But that wouldn't be us!

Any guy could flash the cash and take her to the opera and watch folk sing songs in languages he doesn't understand. But that wouldn't be me!

 

We were best friends and I realised I was trying to duck away from that by doing something we don't usually do when I should be embracing it! Because that's what I had over every guy on the planet - not money or culture or even romance, but friendship, and history, and all the things that made you close in the first place - why ignore them now.

 

I took her to this stone shepherds hut they use on the farm to camp out at lambing time - somewhere we've slept plenty before. And I cooked tex mex and then we toasted marshmallows. And we played some cards and sipped some whisky and talked.....Because first dates can be awkward, but you shouldn't strive to make it so by taking you both out of your comfort zone, I think our comfort zone was what I was trying to push.

Like it should be easy, it shouldn't be hard - and so we didn't have that bog standard first date 'so where did you grow up?', 'so got any pets?' ...we had better. I already knew all that stuff but if there's one thing we always had it was plenty to say to each other..

 

I guess that's my two cents!

[skier10]

Thanks! That gives me some reassurance. I was thinking of something similar, when I ask her out saying 'I think you are really cute and I want to take you out on a date but if we are going to, its one date, not the promise or expectation of anything else and that we take it one date at a time.'

 

Your way of saying two weeks might be better just so there isn't as much pressure on the single first date.

 

So did you just sort of continue to act in a similar way to when you were friends and when/how did you shift things to a romantic relationship?

 

Our friendship is less openly affectionate than yours sounded but we are both fairly reserved people (we constantly brush up against each other when we are together, walking etc and sometime I have put my arm around her shoulders or hand on her back for a few seconds but we don't like walk around holding hands or stuff like that) so in our case there will have to be some physical intensification.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I am thinking that the "gone all summer" part was quite fortuitous...

 

 

for in her mind, what with absence making the heart grow fonder and all, you(r image) was able to perhaps move in marked fashion from 'friend' to 'dating prospect' (fully independent of her 'rebound' potential anymore).

 

 

And I would suggest simply doing something you've not done before, for a first date... whether it be a trip to a nearby town/city, for some event, or something surprisingly simple (but NEW to both of you).

[Shepp]

Thanks! That gives me some reassurance. I was thinking of something similar, when I ask her out saying 'I think you are really cute and I want to take you out on a date but if we are going to, its one date, not the promise or expectation of anything else and that we take it one date at a time.'

 

Your way of saying two weeks might be better just so there isn't as much pressure on the single first date.

Right!. Well you probably wouldn't decide straight of the bat after one date with someone you've just met whether you could have a relationship worth risking a great friendship for so why ask yourself to do just that when having a date with a friend!

 

So did you just sort of continue to act in a similar way to when you were friends and when/how did you shift things to a romantic relationship?

 

Our friendship is less openly affectionate than yours sounded but we are both fairly reserved people (we constantly brush up against each other when we are together, walking etc and sometime I have put my arm around her shoulders or hand on her back for a few seconds but we don't like walk around holding hands or stuff like that) so in our case there will have to be some physical intensification.

Yeah, I mean we were more physically close anyway, like she would sleep cuddled up in my bed and stuff. I don't think its necessarily a bad thing that you guys would have a bigger step up in physical intensification, if anything it might make it easier for her to stop seeing you as a buddy and start looking at you as a boyfriend, or boyfriend material. I guess just escalate that kinda thing the way you would with any girl, as and when it feels right, you defo want to be breaking that touch barrier with casual touches though, and kinda seeing how she reacts and taking your lead from that.

 

I guess I personally took things pretty steady but I was trying to give her the confidence that she could take a chance on us and I'd still be there, we wouldn't wreck what we had. But our relationship was pretty intense prior to making the transition!

 

I was dead keen on not losing any of what we had, she was my gf, and is my wife and that's great, but she is also and has always been my best friend, my biggest cheerleader, my toughest critic, my partner in crime, all those things too!

I tried to keep everything we had but just bring in more "boyfriendy" moves. I brought her flowers, went to extra effort when i cooked for her, that kinda thing.

I don't think it should feel weird. If its right it should feel right, no?

 

I did get tons of advice on here about moving from friends to more, though our situation was a little different, so feel free to check my old threads out.

[skier10]

Shepp I have been struggling for a while trying to get up the courage to ask her out. I'm really nervous. Given my situation do you think my odds are decent?

[Shepp]

Shepp I have been struggling for a while trying to get up the courage to ask her out. I'm really nervous. Given my situation do you think my odds are decent?

I don't know her, I don't know you, but if she spends all her time with you then she likes you at least to some degree, right? And that fact that your relationship has changed/intensified more recently id say makes your odds more decent than if you'd be plodding along with the same level of relationship for 10 years or something.

People around you are normally a good indicator too, they tend to feel if there's ...chemistry.

 

Y'know first time I asked my missus out, she said no... so that's how much my advice is worth , but she had her own stuff going on ... but way I saw it was like, if I was going to ask any other girl in the world out I'd be super direct! 'I think your really whatever, I'd like to get to know you better if you'd go wherever with me whenever' easy. Done. She says yes, great, or no and you both move on.

But with a friend I thought It was a little different (obviously it depends on how much the friendship alone means to you, if your trying to preserve that, or whether you want all or nothing) but either way I think you'd have a higher success rate if you kinda drop a hint first, so she's thinking about you that way before you, put her on the spot.

 

I'd make a comment to kinda let her know you think about her in that way, something natural, in conversation and I wouldn't dwell on it too much unless she's like "damn dude I feel the same" in which case job done. I guess what I'm saying is I'd a flirt a little.

Then I'd give her a few days to think on it, wait for a good moment and i'd tell her that I think she's pretty great, and that I dont know about her but I feel like their could be something pretty great here, and if she feels the same then maybe we owe it ourselves to give it a shot.

I'd maybe find better words but - y'know what I mean? And then if she seemed hesitant or like she didn't know how to answer maybe i'd bring in the two week thing. If she's not feeling it we go back to how we are and no what ifs.

 

But she did say no so then again I guess you could just do the opposite of everything I've said :lmao: