How do I mend his broken heart?

[RachelWilson]

Hello!

 

My name is Rachel!I'm 38.My husband is 35.We'v been married for 12 years now,together since High School,since we were 15.To say that we're unhappily married would be an understatement.Basically,I've been having an affair for 3 months.For the people who are going to judge me-yes I know you think I'm a slut,a whore etc. because now that's what my husband thinks of me anyway.He found out in an interesting way but the important thing here is that I deeply regret going behind his back.I should've wanted a divorce instead or at least I should've had a different approach to this situation.We don't have kids because my husband has always been and always will be sterile.I know it's not an excuse because I chose this life but I've always wanted to have kids as every woman or at least most women do.I put up with that and came to terms with the fact that except for adoption I'd have no other chance of having kids,I did that for him because I put our love first.I also had to put up with him neglecting me physically and emotionally in the beginning of our marriage and then I had to put up with him never being home and always at work.Long story short-things weren't going well,it wasn't working any more and not to be mean but he sucked in the bedroom as well.One day I was just in desperate need of affection and mostly sex so when he was away I hooked up with our neighbor who's also married and is in the same situation as me now although I don't know if his wife was like my husband in that respect.I regret having an affair but I can't deny sex with this man was truly amazing.He's a bit older than my husband,he's 37,still younger than me but he's a very sexual man with a lot of fantasies.He's an exciting man in every aspect.It wasn't just sex,he took me out on dates and we just decided to keep that our little secret.So we did until I got caught because of my stupidity.As embarrassing and graphic as this is,when he came on my face it got in my hair as well so one time I didn't clean up properly as i didn't realize I had sperm in my hair.Even though it was a little bit and I didn't even notice it when I looked in the mirror,when my husband got home the same day he did.When he confronted me about it I couldn't think of anything so I told him the truth.Now he wants a divorce but is also suicidal.As horrible as you might find me after reading this,I do care about him and I want him to move on but for what I understand,he's been drinking too much lately and is suicidal.I stopped seeing my neighbor,not because of his wife and because she found out but because I don't want my husband to suffer any more.As a woman,as a human,I too have needs and feelings.He was just treating me as if I was no one to him.I need some advice because I wanna make it up to him and at least be on good terms,maybe friends some day.

[purplesorrow]

You can encourage him to seek therapy and reach out to family members and friends for support. There isn't much you can do except be honest. Be fair in the divorce. It is on him to heal. He will never forget this. He may never see you as friend material. Good luck.

[road]

Your BH will never be able to live next door to the OM. This will cause your BH to trigger. This house must be sold and your BH moved far away from the OM.

 

 

Then you have to get your BH into IC and for yourself as well because there is no justification for having an affair.

 

 

Then after 6 months of IC and MC then you both will be ready to know what to do about the marriage.

[qubist]

do you still want to be with him or you are planning to leave him and just asking how you could mend his broken heart in the process?

[aliveagain]

Hello!

 

My name is Rachel!I'm 38.My husband is 35.We'v been married for 12 years now,together since High School,since we were 15.To say that we're unhappily married would be an understatement.Basically,I've been having an affair for 3 months.For the people who are going to judge me-yes I know you think I'm a slut,a whore etc. because now that's what my husband thinks of me anyway.He found out in an interesting way but the important thing here is that I deeply regret going behind his back.I should've wanted a divorce instead or at least I should've had a different approach to this situation.We don't have kids because my husband has always been and always will be sterile.I know it's not an excuse because I chose this life but I've always wanted to have kids as every woman or at least most women do.I put up with that and came to terms with the fact that except for adoption I'd have no other chance of having kids,I did that for him because I put our love first.I also had to put up with him neglecting me physically and emotionally in the beginning of our marriage and then I had to put up with him never being home and always at work.Long story short-things weren't going well,it wasn't working any more and not to be mean but he sucked in the bedroom as well.One day I was just in desperate need of affection and mostly sex so when he was away I hooked up with our neighbor who's also married and is in the same situation as me now although I don't know if his wife was like my husband in that respect.I regret having an affair but I can't deny sex with this man was truly amazing.He's a bit older than my husband,he's 37,still younger than me but he's a very sexual man with a lot of fantasies.He's an exciting man in every aspect.It wasn't just sex,he took me out on dates and we just decided to keep that our little secret.So we did until I got caught because of my stupidity.As embarrassing and graphic as this is,when he came on my face it got in my hair as well so one time I didn't clean up properly as i didn't realize I had sperm in my hair.Even though it was a little bit and I didn't even notice it when I looked in the mirror,when my husband got home the same day he did.When he confronted me about it I couldn't think of anything so I told him the truth.Now he wants a divorce but is also suicidal.As horrible as you might find me after reading this,I do care about him and I want him to move on but for what I understand,he's been drinking too much lately and is suicidal.I stopped seeing my neighbor,not because of his wife and because she found out but because I don't want my husband to suffer any more.As a woman,as a human,I too have needs and feelings.He was just treating me as if I was no one to him.I need some advice because I wanna make it up to him and at least be on good terms,maybe friends some day.

 

Why would you stay with a husband for 20 or more years if your marriage was that bad? I see a lot of excuses and blame shifting, reality is that regardless of how good or bad your marriage was you are the only one responsible for the adultery. You brought another man into your relationship with your husband, how does bringing a third person into an already troubled relationship help your marriage? My guess is you brought him into your home destroying the only sanctuary your husband has.

 

My suggestion is to get him professional help with someone experienced with infidelity. Ask them how to deal with starting the divorce process with a spouse that is suicidal. The house will have to be sold, he can't remain with a trigger that big, a neighbour who was banging his wife only doors away could lead to very serious physical problems. My guess is you were your each others first, your husband is probably having a hard time with that new reality. It will help him tremendously if you can be completely transparent giving him access to all your passwords in the meantime.

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

I won't judge you, but he has the right to make an informed decision about his life and whether he wants to spend it with you. You may not be able to fix this.

 

What you did was up to you and there was nothing he could have done about it. What he will do is up to him and there's nothing you can do about it. It's perfectly fair, really.

 

"Fair" doesn't mean you get a good result. It just means that everyone gets a morally defensible result. Some of his courses of action are morally defensible, while others are not. If he decides to leave you, it's a perfectly moral and reasonable (as well as foreseeable) reaction.

 

You will likely be treated fairly, in this context.

[harrybrown]

Think about how you would feel if your H had an affair and the sex was so much better than with you.

 

How would you want him to help you? Then do that for him.

 

Your neighbor is a player.

 

Do get tested for stds. You do not want your H to get stds from you as well.

[Artie Lang]

wow... with your neighbor- that is pretty horrible. i can only imagine what he's going through... having to see this man on a regular basis for the foreseeable future.

 

 

does this man's wife know?

[m.snow]

suicide is not a joke. as soon as possible!

seek help from a professional seek a psychiatrist.

 

have a suicide hot line number close to the phone.

place the phones in more visible location

 

the priority here would be to seek help for your husband.

call relatives and friends to console him.

(he might not be able to do this himself, someone else or you must do it for him.)

 

it is important for now to be there to listen to him for now. until someone else can be there for him.

 

note:

the chances of people committing suicide during the grieving phase is lower than past than phase.

 

the time you should be extra careful is when their already quite and have gotten their energy back.

 

-----------------

regarding the affair

if you no longer love your husband then the divorce process must begin. as as things have calmed down

in the divorce its best to have this as amicable as possible.

 

or since you believe you are the party at fault, you may chose to leave your spouse in a more favorable position regarding assets.

Edited October 5, 2015 by m.snow

[RachelWilson]

do you still want to be with him or you are planning to leave him and just asking how you could mend his broken heart in the process?

 

I still want to be with him but after what I did I don't believe he'll want that.

[RachelWilson]

wow... with your neighbor- that is pretty horrible. i can only imagine what he's going through... having to see this man on a regular basis for the foreseeable future.

 

 

does this man's wife know?

 

Yes,she does.

[m.snow]

I still want to be with him but after what I did I don't believe he'll want that.

 

which is it? be with him or not?

by choosing to be with him do you still want to be married?

on your first post there was already a lot of resentment, and you wanting to divorce.

 

if you want to pursue a relationship with BH(Betrayed Husband), i suggest go to MC (Marriage Counseling). to get professional assistance to see if this relationship can still be salvaged.

 

--------------

has your husband spoken to relative or friends?-this is very important. as the betrayer cannot ascertain his level of committing self harm.

you must make this a priority.

Edited October 5, 2015 by m.snow

[qubist]

I still want to be with him but after what I did I don't believe he'll want that.

 

In this case you have to understand 2 things, 1 his reaction is normal, he must be hurt and confused about what to do. 2 if you want to work it out it would require a lot of sacrifices which started by you putting all the problems you had in your M at the back burner till he feels better about you. You should also understand that if he didn't want to forgive there will be nothing you can do about it. Some people are just can't forgive infidelity.

For now it is important to show him how bad you are feeling about your A. Take full responsibility and do not blame him for it. Distance yourself from OM and suggest to move away. Avail yourself to answer any question he might have and be honest. And the most important thing if you really want him back is to show him that. Do not be like " I don't know if he wants me" this is looser attitude. He should see that you are determined to do everything possible to gain his trust back.

Before I wish you a good luck, do any of you still interact with OM and his wife?

[kgcolonel]

RW.....I think it would do you both good to not jump too fast either way. Twenty years (been married 33 yrs. my self) is at least worth a "real" effort to sort out the why's and assess your love / commitment for your BH and his for you. You both stayed this long....a few more months may reveal opportunities that you can't see now, but with the help of IC and MC who knows. Also, this may be what he needs to avert the suicidal ideas he has. No rush here but be compassionate and caring if you can't be loving.

[foxy2013]

Been through similar things, the only difference is we weren't married and only been together for a few years.

If the marriage is so crap, why would you want to stay? My relationship with my ex was exactly like yours. I felt really guilty and stayed until he felt better. He said he was willing to forgive me and work on our issues. But guess what, he didn't really want to work on it before the infidelity, didn't really give a flying f**k and always said how much he loved me etc. After the infidelity, he had the same attitude. Wouldn't even go to therapy or make any efforts. He believed our relationship would just improve magically without taking actions.

I felt so guilty about cheating I had nightmares almost everyday. I didn't feel proud of myself for a long time. Apart from that, I felt betrayed and fooled as well. I invested so much in our relationship and cared so much. Cheating WAS stupid but i was a weak human back then and i just wanted attention and love. If i had a choice, I would never have cheated in the first place. I wasn't brave enough to leave so I cheated and thought I could get away with it.

 

To be honest, I don't quite understand if your husband didn't give a s*** about you, why would he feel suicidal? He didn't care enough to give you the best marriage in the world, now you resorted to another man and he felt suicidal? I don't really understand. Probably cos im not experienced yet.

 

If he sincerely wants to forgive you and work on your marriage, prepare to do anything you can. It will feel crap for a long time cos before infidelity, you weren't treated well and you felt s***. Now you might even feel s**ter cos you basically have to lie on your crap bed. If he doesn't really want to work on your marriage with you, stay until whenever he doesn;t need you to be there anymore and move on.

[foxy2013]

suicide is not a joke. as soon as possible!

seek help from a professional seek a psychiatrist.

 

have a suicide hot line number close to the phone.

place the phones in more visible location

 

the priority here would be to seek help for your husband.

call relatives and friends to console him.

(he might not be able to do this himself, someone else or you must do it for him.)

 

it is important for now to be there to listen to him for now. until someone else can be there for him.

 

note:

the chances of people committing suicide during the grieving phase is lower than past than phase.

 

the time you should be extra careful is when their already quite and have gotten their energy back.

 

-----------------

regarding the affair

if you no longer love your husband then the divorce process must begin. as as things have calmed down

in the divorce its best to have this as amicable as possible.

 

or since you believe you are the party at fault, you may chose to leave your spouse in a more favorable position regarding assets.

 

 

I used suicide hotline before and it terrified me. If anything, it made me more suicidal. Be careful with those services.

[HereNorThere]

Well, you do have a unique opportunity on your hands to show him that you've changed and are putting his needs first.

 

1) Give him a clean divorce. You broke the marriage vows, so you take your clothes and leave. Split assets cleanly, don't try to get him for alimony, etc.

 

2) Move far away and change your number/email address/etc and only communicate through an attorney. Every time you speak with him it opens old wounds, so give him time to process by leaving.

 

3) Say positive, encouraging words between now and build up his confidence so that he can find a new partner. Suggest dating sites and different things like that. Maybe you have a friend, co-worker or even neighbor that may be interested in him?

 

4) He probably wants to move away from your current neighbors, so you could help him find his own new place away from you all.

 

5) Write a letter to your friends and family outlining what he did. You don't have to go into the gory details, but at least let everyone know that you, not him are responsible for the demise of you marriage. This will let everyone know that he needs encouragement and support. Plus, it'll help gain a little sympathy from other females in life. Who knows? Maybe you'll help find him a new, better partner that won't do this to him.

 

I really don't think you would actually do any of these altruistic things. See, you don't really want to mend his broken heart as much as you want to absolve yourself of the guilt of hurting another person. In your mind, if he isn't upset, you get to go back to the person you were before you cheated. Sorry, it doesn't really work that way. I do hope you will let him go cleanly and not try to take any of the money or possessions, but your first post is soooo full of rationalizations and blame-shifting that I just can't see that happening.

 

P.S. - You can't tell me you didn't realize that cheating on a 20 year marriage could possibly cause the other person to commit suicide. There's not much you can do about it now and yes, you could very well end up being directly responsible for his death. You just have to hope he doesn't do it, but it's always a possibility and happens quite frequently in our society. (Happened to Jim Carrey last week actually) For me, I just can't see how sex is worth someone else's life, but people are different. This was a risk you were willing to take. Maybe it's time you see a doctor and/or mental health expert. Some people suffer from hypersexuality or some sort of personality disorder that fuels this type of behavior. At least if you start working on yourself, you may spare your next partner from having to go through this. Seriously, most people do value sex in the same way you do. Most people would not put someone else's life in danger to have an orgasm.

Edited October 5, 2015 by HereNorThere

[nightmare01]

How to mend his broken heart?

 

You don't because you can't.

 

All you can do is have some integrity and stop lying to your husband. Tell him everything; all of it. THEN you can start work on showing him that you are worth of another chance. There is no guarantee on the results of course, but regardless of your husband's choice you can work on yourself such that you won't do this again in a future relationship.

 

Develop empathy. Find true remorse (not regret). Look at the reasons you chose to cheat - these have nothing to do with your husband or your marriage. Look a HOW you made the choice to cheat - what thought process did you go through, what justifications, and look at those to see if you actually exaggerated something, or maybe made it up in your own mind. Take yourself apart and then put yourself back together without the broken parts.

 

Read the tacked topic at the top of this forum about what a WS needs to know and follow that advice.

 

That is IF you actually want to help your husband heal himself.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I am sure your husband to some degree felt less than due to his sterility. Your affair, and the way you have compared these two men has more than likely emasculated your husband as well.

 

That there ^ are some serious blows to ones self-worth.

 

I am not sure if you are in any position to be the person/s he needs right now. You were the person who knew of his difficulties....than used those difficulties to justify your affair against him.

 

It's kinda hard to trust the motives of the person who used your vulnerabilities against you. You gave up the title of trusted wife/friend. You need to recognize and accept...that you are no longer the person who has his back. You need to recognize and accept that he SHOULD protect himself from you...that...that is who you now are to him.

 

You have limited options due to the current dynamic.

 

Do family or close friends know? If not...maybe ask if you can disclose to them...only so that your BH can have a support system...not so they report back to you.

 

It saddens me..that you feel nothing about how your actions have hurt the other BS. The betrayed wife is in just as much emotional crisis as your betrayed husband. Maybe one day...you might be able to have empathy for all the persons who have been affected by your choices.

[HereNorThere]

While the sterility may be a deal-breaker for some, at his age I think you will find that there are a lot of women tired of being on hormonal contraceptives or have already had children that would LOVE to be with a sterile male. It might not have been attractive when he was younger, but it will definitely make him more marketable now. Funny how some of the worst things in life can suddenly turn into the best things in life. I'm sure he will have a hard time seeing it now, but his life could possibly end up being much better than it was in this marriage. I hope he waits around long enough to see.

 

And I think that's how you have to approach this. Help him see the bright side of things and let him know that he has a great future ahead of him. So many women are going to love the fact that he was able to commit to a 20 year marriage faithfully and when you add that with the no kids or possibility of kids, he won't be single for long. He is going sweep up online, no doubt.

 

It probably won't sound that great coming from you, but if you happen to speak with the people who love him (friends, family, etc) make sure they are encouraging him with stuff like this.

[troubadour]

As embarrassing and graphic as this is,when he came on my face it got in my hair as well so one time I didn't clean up properly as i didn't realize I had sperm in my hair.Even though it was a little bit and I didn't even notice it when I looked in the mirror,when my husband got home the same day he did.When he confronted me about it.

 

 

Pics or it didn't happen.

[Artie Lang]

i also get the feeling that you are displaying regret rather than remorse. you said it yourself when you describe exactly why you ended the affair. this could've gone on for some time if it wasn't for that incident where your neighbor ejaculated on your face and the evidence was undeniable

 

your husband must be severely traumatized by this.

[singer23]

OP, you are a serious nut case...

 

the affair was bad enough.. Now you come to the forum and humiliate him and make the affair his complete fault. Your biggest gift for him would be to rid himself of you in his life..

[bathtub-row]

OP, this is a truly awful situation, to put it mildly. I disagree with the idea that you're making this his fault, because you have taken responsibility. He actually does have some responsibility for the failure of your marriage and hopefully he'll think about that at some point.

 

The problem with affairs is that once they happen and are discovered, it's the only thing everyone focuses on and all the other issues get conveniently swept under the rug.

 

I think it's a mistake to stay in this marriage and I think you're only doing it because he has been a long-time friend, you hate the way he has been hurt, you're afraid of his suicidal behavior, and you feel guilty. If you really want to stay with him, then you'll need to acknowledge that what you see is what you get and after this storm blows over, it'll be the same thing all over again.

 

Perhaps the best move is to try to see him through this and consider separating under a less volatile circumstances somewhere down the line. If he insists on a divorce, then let him take that step.

[Dwade]

Well I think the sex details will be forever ingrained in your husbands head so he can't magically get rid of it, but cope when he triggers. You made the choice to take the time to do your neighbor now you take the time to comfort him pretty much 24/7 when he triggers and especially if he's suicidal. That's prob one of the worst ways to find out about an affair and stop making excuses about him being a poor partner, you knew who you married, you chose to stay without doing anything. I'd say move away from the neighbor and just be a good wife if you still love him like you claim to. Most important thing is listen to the other posters as I don't visit often to give you the wisdom of other posters and what good can a 21 year old students advice do compared to them lol.