blumist Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 I've been dating a guy for 4 months now. We met online. We live 2 hours apart but see eachother one day a week. We spend 6+ hours together each time. We normally hang out and talk. He's really good about opening up to me. The only problem is we aren't having sex. Now, in the beginning, we would make out and he was very affectionate. He never got an erection during any of our make out sessions. SO eventually the conversation came up where I asked him if he had ED or something. He said that sometimes he just couldn't get an erection. He's also said that he's horny all the time in his head but doesn't have the drive anymore. He's 29. He's given other excuses to why he hasn't tried to have sex with me. 1. He wants us to have an emotional connection first. 2. I want it too bad and he enjoys watching me squirm 3. Sex just isn't that important to him 4. The time just hasn't been right. 5. He feels pressure because I'm older and more experienced sexually. SO now days, we spend our time talking. He doesn't try to touch me or make out with me anymore. I've talked to him several times about my sexual needs and he always uses one of the above mentioned excuses. I'm wondering if this is indeed because of an ED issue or if it's just me. I mean, is it possible that he's just not sexually attracted to me? Am I putting too much importance on sex instead of just letting it happen naturally?
Buddhist Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 I've been dating a guy for 4 months now. He doesn't try to touch me or make out with me anymore. I've talked to him several times about my sexual needs and he always uses one of the above mentioned excuses. I'm wondering if this is indeed because of an ED issue or if it's just me. I mean, is it possible that he's just not sexually attracted to me? Am I putting too much importance on sex instead of just letting it happen naturally? It could be erectile dysfunction or he could be gay and just not out. Either way, if after 4 months you're getting no action I don't think this is something to pursue. Het guys do not date women they are unattracted to. Gay guys do but even then they usually still try and have sex. I wonder here if he is gay, closeted and virgin.
Author blumist Posted October 5, 2015 Author Posted October 5, 2015 I can assure you that he's not gay. That is definitely not the problem. He has 3 kids so he's not a virgin either.
StocksnBlondes Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 He's 29 and has 3 young kids. He's afraid he'll have more and just the thought of that happening takes things down a notch so to speak ...I don't know. It sounds weird to me ...like how much older are you? If he has 3 kids he sounds pretty sexually experienced to me. Just because he has kids doesn't mean he's not gay ...he could just be ready to come out
joseb Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 Based on all the info then he either has recently developed Ed or he is not sexuality attracted to you. You already asked about the Ed so either it's the latter, or he is in denial/unwilling to do anything about it. No you are not overreacting. If I were you I would cut your losses and move on. 4
Buddhist Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 I can assure you that he's not gay. That is definitely not the problem. He has 3 kids so he's not a virgin either. I know plenty of gay men with kids they fathered with women. Well since he's proven he's gone there before then I have to assume it's ED or he just doesnt find you attractive. As I said, move on. 1
xcupid Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 Doesn't really matter whether he's gay or not, he's not satsifying you in the sex department. If he doesn't have ED then something else is going on. Either he doesn't believe in premarital sex, he's tired or stressed, or he has performance anxiety, to name a few sexual issues men have. His answer #5 might give you a clue regarding performance anxiety. A guy who is sexually attracted to a woman will want sex - sooner rather than later usually. 1
kpl Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 Who cares what's going on? You aren't having sex and you want it. You tried to address it and he dismissed it on to the next. 1
Stage5Clinger Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 I mean, is it possible that he's just not sexually attracted to me? Am I putting too much importance on sex instead of just letting it happen naturally? I'm in this very situation except I am the man (AMA). I will say that primarily I'm just not that sexually attracted to her. It's unfortunate and I gave it about 4 months to see if the attraction would grow. Unfortunately, that hasn't happened and after a few very obvious opportunities failed to bloom sexual interaction of any kind I've decided it's time to put myself back on the market.
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 I've been dating a guy for 4 months now. We met online. We live 2 hours apart but see eachother one day a week. We spend 6+ hours together each time. We normally hang out and talk. He's really good about opening up to me. The only problem is we aren't having sex. Now, in the beginning, we would make out and he was very affectionate. He never got an erection during any of our make out sessions. SO eventually the conversation came up where I asked him if he had ED or something. He said that sometimes he just couldn't get an erection. He's also said that he's horny all the time in his head but doesn't have the drive anymore. He's 29. He's given other excuses to why he hasn't tried to have sex with me. 1. He wants us to have an emotional connection first. 2. I want it too bad and he enjoys watching me squirm 3. Sex just isn't that important to him 4. The time just hasn't been right. 5. He feels pressure because I'm older and more experienced sexually. SO now days, we spend our time talking. He doesn't try to touch me or make out with me anymore. I've talked to him several times about my sexual needs and he always uses one of the above mentioned excuses. I'm wondering if this is indeed because of an ED issue or if it's just me. I mean, is it possible that he's just not sexually attracted to me? Am I putting too much importance on sex instead of just letting it happen naturally? "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result." I'm so sorry, but you keep pressing for change, and he keeps digging his heels in. It's not going to change any time soon, ever, at all, No. Really, you've flogged this one until it's a bare skeleton. Extricate yourself from the relationship. If it's not fulfilling your needs, why stay? 1
Photofinish Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 Why no sex? Because he doesnt owe you sex. Nobody does. 1
SugarLips72 Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 This is not normal. since he doesnt seem to have much of a desire now, I doubt it will change. His lack of drive is a problem too. Guys want sex. If he doesnt theres a problem, or you have been friend zoned.
Popsicle Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 This problem will only get worse if you keep dating him. And, yes, men friendzone women too. If you value the friendship (and that's what it sounds like you have - a friendship) then tell him that you're okay with continuing to be good friends the way you are, but that you'd like to start seeing other people. Tell him that nothing will change between you two.
Author blumist Posted October 6, 2015 Author Posted October 6, 2015 Thanks for all your responses. We had a very long talk last night and he finally said that he needed to see a doctor. He said he's very sexually attracted to me but his body just won't respond. At least now I know it's not me. I care about him so I'm not going anywhere. It's not his fault and I can't be selfish and break up over something like this. I plan on standing by him while he seeks treatment.
jmiller1991 Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 Thanks for all your responses. We had a very long talk last night and he finally said that he needed to see a doctor. He said he's very sexually attracted to me but his body just won't respond. At least now I know it's not me. I care about him so I'm not going anywhere. It's not his fault and I can't be selfish and break up over something like this. I plan on standing by him while he seeks treatment. I think that's awesome that you plan on standing by him and staying with him! Especially after hearing you say you have sexual needs! I have been in that situation before, and if it ever would have came down to needing a doctor to correct it, I think I would have dropped them like a hot potato! It would be hard for me to stay with a man who could not satisfy me sexually, no matter how much I loved him. Sex is just too important a part of the relationship, and I think it is very noble that you, having needs, would be disciplined and unselfish enough to wait for him to fulfill this crucial aspect of your union. Good job! And it is hard proof that you must truly love him. But.... reality check. You also have to deal with the fact that no treatment of any kind may help. You may never be able to be intimate with this man. And while I pray that that will not be how it turns out, I think you have to perhaps begin thinking about how you will deal with that.
Lois_Griffin Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 I can assure you that he's not gay. That is definitely not the problem. He has 3 kids so he's not a virgin either. LOL. Do you have ANY idea how many gay men married and had children because they were afraid to come out of the closet and simply did what they felt their family and society expected of them? More than you could EVER, EVER count. Having kids is NOT proof that he's not gay. Sorry.
salparadise Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 Thanks for all your responses. We had a very long talk last night and he finally said that he needed to see a doctor. He said he's very sexually attracted to me but his body just won't respond. At least now I know it's not me. I care about him so I'm not going anywhere. It's not his fault and I can't be selfish and break up over something like this. I plan on standing by him while he seeks treatment. Well, it's admirable that you have that kind of dedication. I guess it's possible that he has some medical issue that's treatable, but at age 29 with three kids I'd say the odds are against it. He's too young for typical ED problems. Did he say if he was having any issues when he was married? Could be some kind of psych issue related to moving on after the divorce. I wonder if he's still in love with his ex-wife, guilt ridden over taking a new partner, or generally depressed. He's not on anti-depressants is he––those things will kill both libido and the ability to get it up. Honestly, if viagra does't fix it, I'd move on. And even then I'd have to think about it- a 29 year old who needs viagra may not be able to do anything at all by age 35-40, and then what? Ask him about antidepressants; that seems like a plausible explanation. This is one reason I don't believe in waiting a long time. I don't want to invest the time, energy, expense only to find out months down the road that we aren't compatible sexually, and I don't want to get to far in emotionally either. In other words, sexuality is important and not something I'd dismiss early in a new relationship just because they seem like a nice person. 2
Photofinish Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 Thanks for all your responses. We had a very long talk last night and he finally said that he needed to see a doctor. He said he's very sexually attracted to me but his body just won't respond. At least now I know it's not me. I care about him so I'm not going anywhere. It's not his fault and I can't be selfish and break up over something like this. I plan on standing by him while he seeks treatment. Maybe he just has performance anxiety and you're really just adding to the pressure every time you bother him about it. Maybe the feelings arent there for sex . How many times do you bring this up to him?
SugarLips72 Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 I dated a guy about 14-15 years ago who had ED. It was frustrating and awkward. We never had normal intercourse the whole time we dated (2-3 months). I got tired of it and the whole relationship fizzled. He refused to get help and just kept saying nothing was wrong with him. Ok.
fitnessfan365 Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 That sucks that it could be a medical issue. I'm curious what his basic lifestyle choices are like. Does he exercise regularly, drink plenty of water, get plenty of sleep, have a healthy diet, etc..? Also, the doctor should check his testosterone levels because 29 is pretty young to have such a drop off in libido.
Bitter Feminist Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 Don't be so quick with impulsive breakup. Wait it out maybe he is just stressed. Have you actually try to "help" him?
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