I am having a hard time getting over him...

[Noki]

After 7 months of being together, we broke up. According to him, it was because he thought I was someone completely different. I offered change, but changing from one day to another is nearly impossible. Perhaps I never meant any change from the bottom of my heart, and even when I did want to change, I let my emotions take over again.

 

Before I left completely, I asked him (I know this was a huge mistake on my part) if we could at least be friends, and even better, friends with benefits. At that moment I thought that if I couldn't reach his heart, I could at least be with him physically. He said no because he wasn't that type of person. So I left, really heart broken.

 

After a few days, he contacted me and asked if we could meet. I said that ok. I was expecting regret from his part, but that never came. He explained his reasons for breaking up with me and asked if we could break up in good terms. He wanted a break-up date (which lasted for 3 days because we couldn't let go of each other) so we could become friends once we were over the break up. I agreed (stupid, I know).

 

This whole "This will be the last time I will ever have sex with you. Then I will let go." thing went on for about a month. We would also get together to eat, cook, talk about really stupid things, etc. Those days went back to being like we were still a couple.

 

Until recently I started feeling that he was getting over the break up. We care for each other but there were times where he would say really cruel things to me, despite knowing my feelings for him. I asked him if he was over the break up already, and he said yes.

 

Two nights ago I ratted out at him about how I was feeling about this whole "Friends with benefits" thing. He said that it was sad he was the only one who felt that things were going so well to the point that he didn't understand why we broke up in the first place. Then I said that I was sorry for not letting him know when I felt hurt. He then said that I shouldn't have held it all up and pretended that I was fine, even though I couldn't possibly do that once I saw him. I just felt happy that I was the one who would get called up to hang out with him. He said that the reason why he would call me was because he misses me, and that there are things he finds more fun sharing with me than with anyone else.

 

I felt that I needed time to heal over this. At the same time, I felt that it was unfair that I was the only one left feeling messed up and hung over the past, trying to get over things. I told him that we should keep beings friends until we find someone worth throwing everything away for.

 

Since then, he hasn't contacted me.

 

What should I do? I tried doing new things, tried crying, tried working out, but I can't find the motivation to do anything at all.

Edited October 5, 2015 by Noki

[darkbloom]

I told him we should keep being friends until we find someone worth throwing it all away for. [\quote]

 

 

Aye. That is painful to read. I can only imagine how he felt to read that. Reread that sentence. You basically told him that his friendship is disposable once you find a new boyfriend. I'm going to bet that's why you haven't heard from him.

 

You don't seen to have a lot of healthy boundaries. You played both of them at the same time and used both of them to help you get over your breakup with ex. Now you're using Friend to get over your relationship with him. You can't use the ex that you broke up with as your coping mechanism.

 

Imo, you are now dealing with the feelings of both breakups since you never really let go of ex the first time around. Now that friend is gone, you have to deal with losing them both.

[Stage5Clinger]

What should I do? I tried doing new things, tried crying, tried working out, but I can't find the motivation to do anything at all.

 

You need to let go completely and remove him from your life 100%. It sounds like the opposite of what you want, but think of it this way; you've tried being friends and this is how you feel from it -- now try not being friends and see if you feel differently.

 

I promise you after a few weeks of not talking to him at all you will feel amazing. This is something unhealthy in your life. It's like a cancerous growth that needs to be cut out but you're afraid of the surgery.

[Noki]

I told him we should keep being friends until we find someone worth throwing it all away for. [\quote]

 

 

Aye. That is painful to read. I can only imagine how he felt to read that. Reread that sentence. You basically told him that his friendship is disposable once you find a new boyfriend. I'm going to bet that's why you haven't heard from him.

 

You don't seen to have a lot of healthy boundaries. You played both of them at the same time and used both of them to help you get over your breakup with ex. Now you're using Friend to get over your relationship with him. You can't use the ex that you broke up with as your coping mechanism.

 

Imo, you are now dealing with the feelings of both breakups since you never really let go of ex the first time around. Now that friend is gone, you have to deal with losing them both.

 

 

I had to edit the story a bit before cause it was too long. But basically Ex was my ex-ex, who happened to be my best friend. Ex was the most recent boyfriend I had. He was the one I had been friends with benefits with and ratted out at a few nights ago.

 

I wasn't using Friend to get over Ex because I have had a crush on Friend for a really long time. Ex was someone I was dating while Friend and I were still friends. Ex and I were in a long distance relationship and Ex couldn't keep any of the promises he made over the 4 years we were dating for. Ex also did something that should have been unforgivable but because I didn't want to throw away all the things we had, I let it go.

 

Either way, I now know how Friend felt while he read that. I really value what Friend and I have as friends, so when should I apologize? I feel like I really need some time for myself to get over the breakup but I don't want to make Friend feel like I don't care about him anymore...

[Noki]

You need to let go completely and remove him from your life 100%. It sounds like the opposite of what you want, but think of it this way; you've tried being friends and this is how you feel from it -- now try not being friends and see if you feel differently.

 

I promise you after a few weeks of not talking to him at all you will feel amazing. This is something unhealthy in your life. It's like a cancerous growth that needs to be cut out but you're afraid of the surgery.

 

 

Thank you for the reply.

 

Yes, but I realize that what I said to him was really cruel... I want to apologize but if I go to him I will go back to Square One, for the n-th time...