bluefeather Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 This is starting to feel too wishy-washy. By that I mean there seems to be too much uncertainty in the relationship, either due to you or the other person. It was mentioned that you might be feeling insecure. If that is true, it would explain the need for a title. However if you are not feeling insecure, then there is something else here, and that might be that you are being pushed beyond your boundaries. If I just want to f*ck, I will go along with a title-less relationship for a short while. But I will not continually bang a girl over a long period of time if she's not my girlfriend. I've told that to some before and refused sex because of it. So it could be a question of insecurity or integrity for you. Maybe you can honestly ask yourself which one it is.
Author Xiomn Posted October 5, 2015 Author Posted October 5, 2015 (edited) This is starting to feel too wishy-washy. By that I mean there seems to be too much uncertainty in the relationship, either due to you or the other person. It was mentioned that you might be feeling insecure. If that is true, it would explain the need for a title. However if you are not feeling insecure, then there is something else here, and that might be that you are being pushed beyond your boundaries. If I just want to f*ck, I will go along with a title-less relationship for a short while. But I will not continually bang a girl over a long period of time if she's not my girlfriend. I've told that to some before and refused sex because of it. So it could be a question of insecurity or integrity for you. Maybe you can honestly ask yourself which one it is. Probably insecurity, in my previous relationship I realized I was way too clingy and revolved my entire life around my partner and got jealous a lot when she hung out with her friends a lot more than myself and at times I was scared I might lose her to another guy because of how clingy I was and the fact it might drive her away to somebody else. That was my very first relationship though and I've realized my mistakes and know I need not revolve my life around my partner, that I need to incorporate more other people into my life and hang out with my friends more when in a relationship and not be so jealous or paranoid when they hang out with other people more than me if I'm ever going to have a healthy and stable relationship based on trust in the future. That said, I think it's perfectly reasonable to want to define the relationship/make it official than simply continually dating and cling onto the hope that the other person naturally considers you their partner and vice versa after spending a certain amount of time together/after so many dates without asking them about it directly, I don't see that as being so much insecure (maybe a little bit, but it also rather a reasonable and mature question to bring up. I'm not sure if I'm getting what you mean by me being pushed beyond my boundaries, I'm guessing you're referring to something like your own experience in which you feel the need to define the relationship before you have sexual intercourse on numerous occasions with an individual. If that's the case I think you may be somewhat right there. I feel like because we've had sex on 2 occasions now it gives me the impression that we're getting serious which has in turn given me the urge to want to define the relationship in a serious manner. I think at the moment I'm actually insecure in the thought that I don't know what she wants right now so I feel the need to ask her in order to put my mind at ease that I'm not just wasting my time if we both don't want the same thing. That would really bug me also, because If I found out she didn't want the same thing as me I'd basically feel like I've sunk my money into someone that I could of used on someone else who wants the same thing as me(I'm the kind of person that doesn't like spending money all that much, I like to save up a lot, although I am willing to spend money on a partner that I care and love about) Edited October 5, 2015 by Xiomn
bluefeather Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 I'm not sure if I'm getting what you mean by me being pushed beyond my boundaries, I'm guessing you're referring to something like your own experience in which you feel the need to define the relationship before you have sexual intercourse on numerous occasions with an individual. Sort of, but it isn't so much a need, as it is a standard for me. By boundaries, I mean simply this: I only give pleasure to my girlfriends... I will only give myself to someone who desires to be in a relationship with me. That is one of my standards. And if someone wants the "boyfriend experience" without commitment, that is beyond my boundary and I will not cross it if it makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't see anything wrong with stating how you feel. If you are hiding your feelings from someone else out of fear of what they will think, is that the kind of relationship you even want to be in? Also, that sounds like repression, and repression eats at the mind. I would bring it up. But that's just me. I take risks sometimes, and that means going in with a chance of loosing. If you can admit to your insecurity, that is a good step towards your own betterment. Maybe now you can look at the issue with more perspective. 1
Miss Peach Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 I've had guys ask me as early as the 3rd date and as late as 3 months. If a guy I like haven't make it exclusive by 3 months I move on. But I like to take things slow and not have any sex before being exclusive. IMO I usually know if I'm willing to try for exclusivity about a 1-2 months in (about 10 dates). If a guy asks me at that point or later I feel I know enough I can make a decision without freaking out. 1
Author Xiomn Posted October 5, 2015 Author Posted October 5, 2015 (edited) Sort of, but it isn't so much a need, as it is a standard for me. By boundaries, I mean simply this: I only give pleasure to my girlfriends... I will only give myself to someone who desires to be in a relationship with me. That is one of my standards. And if someone wants the "boyfriend experience" without commitment, that is beyond my boundary and I will not cross it if it makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't see anything wrong with stating how you feel. If you are hiding your feelings from someone else out of fear of what they will think, is that the kind of relationship you even want to be in? Also, that sounds like repression, and repression eats at the mind. I would bring it up. But that's just me. I take risks sometimes, and that means going in with a chance of loosing. If you can admit to your insecurity, that is a good step towards your own betterment. Maybe now you can look at the issue with more perspective. Well, I do want to bring it up, I want to ask her if she wants to make it official so we're a couple. Then the conflict comes, do I go with what I want to do and risk it in that I might scare her off, or do I follow the advice of people on here and wait, "get to know her better, because I couldn't possibly know her well enough after 2 weeks, following some sort of artificial timetable whereby I should only ask after so many dates/after a certain amount of time in order to minimize the risk of scaring her away even if I want it sooner? Hmmm.. I've learned from my past relationship I shouldn't be so clingy, so i'm leaning towards suppressing what I want to ask at the moment. Edited October 5, 2015 by Xiomn
Miss Peach Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 I found this post was a good explanation of what happens to women: The Rules Revisited: Men Don't Fall in Love the Same Way Women Do The part I want to caution is that it's rare for women to know we want to be all in within a few dates unless we've known the guy elsewhere (i.e., through work, church, etc.). I probably haven't figured that out before 5 dates at the earliest myself. We usually start by 'giving the guy a chance' and then we find out interest level increases. I would rush it a little bit when I was younger but as I've gotten older I find myself slowing down more and more. My current BF told me 4 months in that he knew on our second date but was afraid to scare me off. I can tell you I would have felt very uncomfortable about it after the second date.
joseb Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 OK, so you were too clingy in a past relationship. Good you recognise it. But I personally think your rush to label this is a sign of clinginess. And I think the amount of time you are spending together already is a little clingy(though i do agree that 12 days gap is maybe a little long). As is counting the hours you are together (and seeing that as some sort of score, something to aim for). What is it about this girl you like so much? That's what I would be looking at after a couple of weeks - is there something about this girl that's really awesome and would make me want to give up being single. Because if I could go back in time and do one thing, it would be to tell my 20yo self not to get into any serious relationships for a good long time. 1
Miss Peach Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 I wanted to add that I haven't been on your dates and I don't believe in an artificial timetable. It's just that talking about this with men they seem to know before women do. My current BF told me 4 months in that he knew on our second date but was afraid to scare me off. I can tell you I would have felt very uncomfortable about it after the second date. For me it got uncomfortable when sex starting being put on the table and I didn't know where we stood.
bluefeather Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 Ok Xiomn. Doesn't seem like I can offer much else advice on this. You've got the views of others, now time to make a decision. Good luck! Because if I could go back in time and do one thing, it would be to tell my 20yo self not to get into any serious relationships for a good long time. lol... I've thought the same thing. But I think it would balance out either way. If I went along with flings instead of getting into serious relationships back then, I might have eventually gotten lonely and ended up telling myself, "If I could go back in time I would tell my 20yo self to hold onto that one perfect girl!" The grass is always greener on the other side. I gotta be happy with where I ended up.
joseb Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 lol... I've thought the same thing. But I think it would balance out either way. If I went along with flings instead of getting into serious relationships back then, I might have eventually gotten lonely and ended up telling myself, "If I could go back in time I would tell my 20yo self to hold onto that one perfect girl!" The grass is always greener on the other side. I gotta be happy with where I ended up. HAHAHA. Maybe true. I guess if you ended up with a good one then you have done the right thing.
bluefeather Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 HAHAHA. Maybe true. I guess if you ended up with a good one then you have done the right thing. Well I haven't yet! Just saying either way we go, we can still look at that other road not taken, ya know? Take OP. He is debating which way to go. If he asks her and she blows up, he may think "I shouldn't have done that!" Or he can keep his mouth shut and she might walk, and he then might say, "I should have brought up that relationship talk!" We just gotta be OK with the choices we make... lest we'll spend our lives looking back. It's all good.
xUnknown Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 Well I haven't yet! Just saying either way we go, we can still look at that other road not taken, ya know? Take OP. He is debating which way to go. If he asks her and she blows up, he may think "I shouldn't have done that!" Or he can keep his mouth shut and she might walk, and he then might say, "I should have brought up that relationship talk!" We just gotta be OK with the choices we make... lest we'll spend our lives looking back. It's all good. I'd wait. Too soon. It would only make him feel more insecure about things if he asks then she thinks he's being clingy. 1
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