Making it official, when?

[joseb]

To me it would sound pretty clingy/needy if someone said this to me after only two weeks. Any time a girl has tried to rush things in the early days its always been a red flag.

 

And what will you do if she says no? You might think it will be fine but you have introduced an awkwardness into the relationship.

 

Is their some reason you feel she is just wanting a bang buddy ?

[Xiomn]

To me it would sound pretty clingy/needy if someone said this to me after only two weeks. Any time a girl has tried to rush things in the early days its always been a red flag.

 

And what will you do if she says no? You might think it will be fine but you have introduced an awkwardness into the relationship.

 

Is their some reason you feel she is just wanting a bang buddy ?

 

Well that's what I'm worried about coming off too quick and looking clingy but at the same time I don't want her to think I'm just using her as a **** buddy since we've done it twice now. I think it's high time I sat down and probably asked her what she is looking for AND what I myself am looking for. (which I should of probably asked her some time ago, I don't know) She has told me she has only ever slept with one other person and has only been with one other person before, but she said she straight up told me she never felt like it was a proper relationship since it was long distance and mostly an online Skype kind of relationship that only lasted 6 months so technically if we were to get together I would be her proper first relationship.

Edited October 5, 2015 by Xiomn

[Lansing]

I think you should let her bring up the relationship talk. Keep treating her like your girlfriend but definitely no need to have a conversation so early in.

[Xiomn]

I think you should let her bring up the relationship talk. Keep treating her like your girlfriend but definitely no need to have a conversation so early in.

 

I doubt she will bring it up, men seem to initiate everything, I've initiated all texts and planned dates so far so I can't imagine her initiating such a conversation.

[Lansing]

I am not sure what the big rush is though. Treat her like your girlfriend and she won't think "oh, this is just friends with benefits ". No need to rush into saying something so early in. My impression is that YOU want to lock her in as your girlfriend but the title doesn't matter.

[xUnknown]

I wouldn't ask about being her boyfriend... as mentioned earlier, that does seem childish.

 

Also, I think 2.5-3 weeks is too early. Have you asked her "so what are you looking for right now?" What did she say? That is a different question than asking to make it official - though, some women will jump the gun and put the two together and get scared off (which I hate when that happens...I'm asking you if youre looking for a relationship or a hook up and if I should bother investing my time/money/emotion into something---sorry, just n\eeded to get that out lol)

You're still dating, seeing if you want to make it official with the person. I honestly wait at least 8 weeks before bringing it up. By then I've been with the person and know them well enough to see if it'll go anywhere.

 

I don't recall you mentioning your age, but I'm getting the sense like you two are still in college?

 

If you're really anxious to make it official with her, I'd wait another 2 weeks then ask her, "Would you like to make things between us official." Too soon and you'll crash and burn. I think in this scenario time is on your side if you decide to wait a few more weeks (which I would recommend).

[Xiomn]

I wouldn't ask about being her boyfriend... as mentioned earlier, that does seem childish.

 

Also, I think 2.5-3 weeks is too early. Have you asked her "so what are you looking for right now?" What did she say? That is a different question than asking to make it official - though, some women will jump the gun and put the two together and get scared off (which I hate when that happens...I'm asking you if youre looking for a relationship or a hook up and if I should bother investing my time/money/emotion into something---sorry, just n\eeded to get that out lol)

You're still dating, seeing if you want to make it official with the person. I honestly wait at least 8 weeks before bringing it up. By then I've been with the person and know them well enough to see if it'll go anywhere.

 

I don't recall you mentioning your age, but I'm getting the sense like you two are still in college?

 

If you're really anxious to make it official with her, I'd wait another 2 weeks then ask her, "Would you like to make things between us official." Too soon and you'll crash and burn. I think in this scenario time is on your side if you decide to wait a few more weeks (which I would recommend).

 

 

I'm increasingly coming around to the idea of waiting at least 1 month before possibly bringing up the official talk. Deep down I think it might be too early and I'm scared I'll scare her off so maybe that's the signal telling me I should wait a bit longer. I guess it's just the things we have done and all the time we have spent together over the past few days, sex 2 nights in a row, spending 47 hours together (with only a break of about 8 hours in-between) that has made me wonder whether I should bring it up or not.

 

Yes we're still in college (or university as we call it here in the UK) I'm in my final year and she has just started her first year, but we're both 20 years old.

 

I'm going to ask her the question of what she is looking for on our next date for sure because I want to know and feel it's the right time to ask, if not a bit late, since it'll be our 5th date.

Edited October 5, 2015 by Xiomn

[Xiomn]

I am not sure what the big rush is though. Treat her like your girlfriend and she won't think "oh, this is just friends with benefits ". No need to rush into saying something so early in. My impression is that YOU want to lock her in as your girlfriend but the title doesn't matter.

 

Is it really that bad to feel like I'm not her girlfriend when we haven't labelled it as being official yet? I feel like I need that final confirmation in order to feel secure in my thinking that we are in fact together. Because we've had sex twice I don't want her thinking that I'm using her as a booty call, is that not what some women would think if they were having sex multiple times but not brought up the question of being official? That being said, I'm leaning towards waiting to at least the one month mark anyway, that way I'll most likely feel more comfortable that i'm not moving too fast on her and scaring her away.

[JasmineJones]

Is it really that bad to feel like I'm not her girlfriend when we haven't labelled it as being official yet? I feel like I need that final confirmation in order to feel secure in my thinking that we are in fact together. Because we've had sex twice I don't want her thinking that I'm using her as a booty call, is that not what some women would think if they were having sex multiple times but not brought up the question of being official? That being said, I'm leaning towards waiting to at least the one month mark anyway, that way I'll most likely feel more comfortable that i'm not moving too fast on her and scaring her away.

 

Why didn't you have this conversation with her before you had sex? Are you male or female?

[Xiomn]

Why didn't you have this conversation with her before you had sex? Are you male or female?

 

Sorry I meant to say boyfriend, haha typo. I'm male. I don't know, I just never thought about it at the time prior to having sex, we just started kissing and it happened..

Edited October 5, 2015 by Xiomn

[xUnknown]

Is it really that bad to feel like I'm not her girlfriend when we haven't labelled it as being official yet? I feel like I need that final confirmation in order to feel secure in my thinking that we are in fact together. Because we've had sex twice I don't want her thinking that I'm using her as a booty call, is that not what some women would think if they were having sex multiple times but not brought up the question of being official? That being said, I'm leaning towards waiting to at least the one month mark anyway, that way I'll most likely feel more comfortable that i'm not moving too fast on her and scaring her away.

 

This definitely seems like an insecurity issue. It seems (as you described) you want to have the official title. Titles are just formalities. Go with the flow and see where things go. Bringing it up too soon and you'll scare her away.

 

Bringing it up too soon will scare her off. I have yet to find a freshman girl who is looking for a relationship after starting school...its that time where they want to cut loose. She's a few months into her first year of university, at that time, she probably isn't looking for a relationship, but does enjoy spending time with you and doing things with you. Keep the cool, don't overtext her. Don't start counting the number of hours you're seeing her...just seems a bit too much to me. Give it 10 dates (2 dates a week = 5 weeks) after date 10 ask her if she wants things to be official. I'd hate for you to scare off this girl you're really into because of being too insecure/needy. I'm not trying to offend you, just give you tips and my opinions on what I've picked up on so far.

 

When I was in college my first 2 years, I was really insecure with myself and did several of the same things...that's why I mentioned that part about how I've never met a new freshman chick that wants a relationship. Any other questions feel free to PM me.

 

 

Why didn't you have this conversation with her before you had sex? Are you male or female?

Because things sometimes just happen. I've slept with women before any talk of boyfriend/girlfriend. Example: <things start getting hot and heavy between you and the guy/girl> "hold on, are you looking for a boy/girlfriend right now?" -"umm, what?" <instant mood killer>.

[Xiomn]

This definitely seems like an insecurity issue. It seems (as you described) you want to have the official title. Titles are just formalities. Go with the flow and see where things go. Bringing it up too soon and you'll scare her away.

 

Bringing it up too soon will scare her off. I have yet to find a freshman girl who is looking for a relationship after starting school...its that time where they want to cut loose. She's a few months into her first year of university, at that time, she probably isn't looking for a relationship, but does enjoy spending time with you and doing things with you..

 

 

Could be true, after all I believe that's partly the reason why my ex (who was also in her first year) broke up with me so she could date other people, she said she had urges to get with other people at one point in the relationship but didn't want to cheat and ended up getting with someone else shortly after breaking up with me.

 

You might go and ask me then, are you sure you want to get with another girl that is in first year if it might happen again? Well every person is different, for example I've known people that have been in a happy relationship throughout all their years at university so I don't think you can apply the mindset of girls want to let loose at university to everybody.

 

On the other hand, she's 20 and not been in a relationship before (apart from a long distance 6 month one which she told me didn't actually feel like a relationship) so maybe she likes the idea of getting into a real relationship.

 

 

This is just all speculation anyway, I'm going to ask what she is looking for on our next date, that's the only way to truly find out.

[Xiomn]

Eh, just tried to set up a date for Thursday but she is going back to her home city for a few days on Thursday coincidentally so she suggested next week instead. Reason I suggested Thursday is the restaurant I had planned does a really good deal on a Thursday. By that point though it will have been 12 days since our last date which seems like a long time considering we've been having 2 dates a week so far. Might just reschedule for another day instead and forget the whole fact that the restaurant does a good deal on Thursdays. 12 days is too long in between dates, right?

Edited October 5, 2015 by Xiomn

[xUnknown]

Could be true, after all I believe that's partly the reason why my ex (who was also in her first year) broke up with me so she could date other people, she said she had urges to get with other people at one point in the relationship but didn't want to cheat and ended up getting with someone else shortly after breaking up with me.

 

You might go and ask me then, are you sure you want to get with another girl that is in first year if it might happen again? Well every person is different, for example I've known people that have been in a happy relationship throughout all their years at university so I don't think you can apply the mindset of girls want to let loose at university to everybody.

 

On the other hand, she's 20 and not been in a relationship before (apart from a long distance 6 month one which she told me didn't actually feel like a relationship) so maybe she likes the idea of getting into a real relationship.

 

 

This is just all speculation anyway, I'm going to ask what she is looking for on our next date, that's the only way to truly find out.

 

You make a great point here. You're exactly right...everyone is different. Who knows what she's looking for or what her intentions are until you ask.

 

I was hooking up and went on a few dates with my grade school crush a few weeks ago. She was just out of a 2 year relationship. I knew she wasn't looking for another relationship, but just wanted to know if I was to keep it just physical, or dates and see where things lead down the road. We agreed that because of our history, it couldn't be "just sex" and wanted to go on dates and see where it leads. She started to seem flaky and I haven't talked to her in 3 weeks.

 

What I'm saying here is, if you bring this up and she says she wants to see where things go (which is what she'll probably say because she doesn't want to push you away), keep doing what you're doing. However, if you start noticing her flaking, back off and don't contact her. Let her come to you. For some reason, whenever this is brought up anytime AFTER the first date, things get weird... at least, that's my experience.

 

As jasminejones mentioned, why hasn't it been brought up before - I agree, it should have at the first date...not right before sex, which is what my other response was leading to. I just wanted to correct myself there. And also to give you a heads up that things may get weird if you bring it up.

 

Just thing on it - would you rather keep going, or risk it ending? Personally, I wouldn't ask yet. When that 1 month point comes around where you planned on asking her to be official, bring it up then as a 'lead-in' to the conversation. "What exactly are you looking for?" "-um, i'm kinda open to whatever" "okay, would you consider making things official" "-Yes! OMG Yes!" -or- she responds with, trying to keep my options open, no relationship..then you don't need to even bring it up.

 

Just another thought to throw out at ya.

[xUnknown]

Eh, just tried to set up a date for Thursday but she is going back to her home city for a few days on Thursday coincidentally so she suggested next week instead. Reason I suggested Thursday is the restaurant I had planned does a really good deal on a Thursday. By that point though it will have been 12 days since our last date which seems like a long time considering we've been having 2 dates a week so far. Might just reschedule for another day instead and forget the whole fact that the restaurant does a good deal on Thursdays. 12 days is too long in between dates, right?

 

Did she suggest a day that works for her?

 

I would respond with "Sounds good to me, I'm free any day except Wednesday and Friday but we can figure it out later" (leave some sort of time constraint.

 

Then Saturday sometime when she is home text her "hey, hope your having a good time visiting with your family. Are you free Tuesday night". Don't bombard her with the very first day back from her trip. Keep that anticipation up.

 

When Saturday rolls around and you ask her about Tuesday, if she says Tuesday doesn't work for her and does NOT suggest another day... leave things be. "Okay let me know when your free next". Then go silent and wait for her to come to you. It doesn't sound like this will happen because she seems into you, but just saying just in case.

[Xiomn]

You make a great point here. You're exactly right...everyone is different. Who knows what she's looking for or what her intentions are until you ask.

 

I was hooking up and went on a few dates with my grade school crush a few weeks ago. She was just out of a 2 year relationship. I knew she wasn't looking for another relationship, but just wanted to know if I was to keep it just physical, or dates and see where things lead down the road. We agreed that because of our history, it couldn't be "just sex" and wanted to go on dates and see where it leads. She started to seem flaky and I haven't talked to her in 3 weeks.

 

What I'm saying here is, if you bring this up and she says she wants to see where things go (which is what she'll probably say because she doesn't want to push you away), keep doing what you're doing. However, if you start noticing her flaking, back off and don't contact her. Let her come to you. For some reason, whenever this is brought up anytime AFTER the first date, things get weird... at least, that's my experience.

 

As jasminejones mentioned, why hasn't it been brought up before - I agree, it should have at the first date...not right before sex, which is what my other response was leading to. I just wanted to correct myself there. And also to give you a heads up that things may get weird if you bring it up.

 

Just thing on it - would you rather keep going, or risk it ending? Personally, I wouldn't ask yet. When that 1 month point comes around where you planned on asking her to be official, bring it up then as a 'lead-in' to the conversation. "What exactly are you looking for?" "-um, i'm kinda open to whatever" "okay, would you consider making things official" "-Yes! OMG Yes!" -or- she responds with, trying to keep my options open, no relationship..then you don't need to even bring it up.

 

Just another thought to throw out at ya.

 

Sounds like a good idea to me to wait for that 1 month mark. I think the reason why I never brought it up prior is because I'm inexperienced when it comes to dating so the whole thing just never came to my mind at all to be honest :/ I haven't been on a proper date with anybody before (unless you count the ones I had with my ex when I was in a relationship with her) Thanks for the advice

[Xiomn]

Did she suggest a day that works for her?

 

I would respond with "Sounds good to me, I'm free any day except Wednesday and Friday but we can figure it out later" (leave some sort of time constraint.

 

Then Saturday sometime when she is home text her "hey, hope your having a good time visiting with your family. Are you free Tuesday night". Don't bombard her with the very first day back from her trip. Keep that anticipation up.

 

When Saturday rolls around and you ask her about Tuesday, if she says Tuesday doesn't work for her and does NOT suggest another day... leave things be. "Okay let me know when your free next". Then go silent and wait for her to come to you. It doesn't sound like this will happen because she seems into you, but just saying just in case.

 

I think when she suggested next week she meant the Thursday following after she had got home. So not this Thursday but next Thursday. Only problem then is it will have been 12 days since we last went on a date together which seems like too long to me, I've setting up 2 dates a week with her so far to sustain interest. I'll message her a few days after Thursday to see when she is free next.

[jam.over.jelly]

I'm increasingly coming around to the idea of waiting at least 1 month before possibly bringing up the official talk. Deep down I think it might be too early and I'm scared I'll scare her off so maybe that's the signal telling me I should wait a bit longer. I guess it's just the things we have done and all the time we have spent together over the past few days, sex 2 nights in a row, spending 47 hours together (with only a break of about 8 hours in-between) that has made me wonder whether I should bring it up or not.

 

Yes we're still in college (or university as we call it here in the UK) I'm in my final year and she has just started her first year, but we're both 20 years old.

 

I'm going to ask her the question of what she is looking for on our next date for sure because I want to know and feel it's the right time to ask, if not a bit late, since it'll be our 5th date.

 

Are you seriously keeping track of how many hours you spend with her? Maybe it's just me but I find this to be a bit creepy. Anyhow, I still think you should wait for a bit longer, get to know her better, then bring up the subject.

[Xiomn]

Are you seriously keeping track of how many hours you spend with her? Maybe it's just me but I find this to be a bit creepy. Anyhow, I still think you should wait for a bit longer, get to know her better, then bring up the subject.

 

I was just trying to highlight the fact that we have spent a lot of time together in order to get to know each other, people are saying you should spend more time getting to know each other, you can't possibly know her that well after only 2 weeks so I was just highlighting that we've had a lot of time to get to know each other already compared to what most people dating would normally have done. I seriously don't think it takes as long as it does to get to know someone as most people would normally think.

[xUnknown]

Are you seriously keeping track of how many hours you spend with her? Maybe it's just me but I find this to be a bit creepy. Anyhow, I still think you should wait for a bit longer, get to know her better, then bring up the subject.

 

Yeah, that's what I was thinking too when I said it seemed a bit "much".

 

I agree, keep seeing her, see where things go. Don't rush it. Perhaps its better not to put a timeline one it. Rather, see how into her you get after more dates.

 

I've always found to just go with the flow until the topic comes up naturally. I feel like timelines like this always seem to rush things.

Edited October 5, 2015 by xUnknown

[Xiomn]

Yeah, that's what I was thinking too when I said it seemed a bit "much".

 

I agree, keep seeing her, see where things go. Don't rush it. Perhaps its better not to put a timeline one it. Rather, see how into her you get after more dates.

 

I've always found to just go with the flow until the topic comes up naturally. I feel like timelines like this always seem to rush things.

 

Yeah I guess it was a bit weird or too much, I just like to benchmark my success by how long our dates last. Arguable point because one could argue you can be on a date for 1 measly hour and have the best date ever but nevertheless. I've decided I'm going to wait for at least 1 month now before bringing up the topic. And I'm by no means suggesting that you can find out everything about someone just through talking with them but you can learn quite a good deal, and with the amount of time we have spent with each other already despite it only being 2 weeks you can learn a lot. Think of how many questions you could ask and learn about someone in just 1 hour. Again I'm not suggesting you should get with the person after 1 hour but hope this makes sense.

Edited October 5, 2015 by Xiomn

[xUnknown]

Yeah I guess it was a bit weird or too much, I just like to benchmark my success by how long our dates last. Arguable point because one could argue you can be on a date for 1 measly hour and have the best date ever but nevertheless. I've decided I'm going to wait for at least 1 month now before bringing up the topic.

 

I go by dates. You could go on a date to see a movie that lasts 2.5 hours, but you're not talking or getting to know the person then. Same with when you slept at her place.

 

You're benchmark should be, do you like this girl enough to give up your freedom of dating other women...

 

Also, try to alter your way of thinking. I started doing this after my ex and I broke up (coincidentally 1 year today). Everyone knows what they like. Look at dating in the sense of trying to figure out what you don't like in a partner.

[jam.over.jelly]

I was just trying to highlight the fact that we have spent a lot of time together in order to get to know each other, people are saying you should spend more time getting to know each other, you can't possibly know her that well after only 2 weeks so I was just highlighting that we've had a lot of time to get to know each other already compared to what most people dating would normally have done. I seriously don't think it takes as long as it does to get to know someone as most people would normally think.

 

then you are seriously mistaken my friend.

[xUnknown]

then you are seriously mistaken my friend.

 

I agree to this as well.

 

I have the talk usually after like 2-3 months of dating, and by talk I mean I ask to make it exclusive - no title, just dating exclusively. I want to make sure I see a future with this person before I want to make it official. Because if you don't see a future down the road, than there is no point of dating that person.

 

It took 4 months (maybe longer) to make things officially 'bf/gf' with my ex.

[Xiomn]

I agree to this as well.

 

I have the talk usually after like 2-3 months of dating, and by talk I mean I ask to make it exclusive - no title, just dating exclusively. I want to make sure I see a future with this person before I want to make it official. Because if you don't see a future down the road, than there is no point of dating that person.

 

It took 4 months (maybe longer) to make things officially 'bf/gf' with my ex.

 

Daaaamn that's a long time! Not that there's any rush I guess but still. Everyone is different and goes at different paces though so if you needed that long then fair enough.

 

Well our 5th date is planned for next Thursday. Nice little tapas restaurant for dinner over a bottle of wine.

 

Only problem now is I feel bad because it will end up being 12 days between dates.. far too long in my opinion to sustain interest. I'm going to text her in a few days when she gets back from home and see if she fancies going out before our Thursday night date as I have an idea of something to do if she's up for it.