Phinsider Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 First, im new to the site and just wanted somewhere to let this off my chest about my situation im currently dealing with. Hopefully, advice from total strangers may help me cope. Alright, So im going to try to keep it short and detailed, but if i rant on, i apologize. *deep breath* So within the last 2-3months, my EX decided to bring me to reality of how she felt about our relationship and decided for us to "take a break"...."break up" whatever you want to call it. We were together for almost 4yrs and knew of eachother for about 5. And im just trying to be totally honest for respect of her and me about how things started and whats going on now recently. So her and i met online...we started out talking and texting long distance. Things started getting serious because she was just getting out of a long term relationship and i was just moving back to the city i grew up in so i was kinda still ina transistion phase. Now here is the kicker of how it got started, i basically "lied" about my life to her for almost a year until we finally met. I lied about pretty much everything from my career to my living situation. And she felt the BS after awhile til i finally came clean to her about my life. This was also after the the few plane tickets she bought to come see me and i flaked on her because of my own lies and insecurities. Til one day she just said eff it and just let me know how much hurt and confusion she was going through with me. And i finally came clean because of my own guilt and becuz i really started falling for someone i felt was way out of my league. She actually forgave me for everything and finally flew out to see me. Now at that time i was working a good job and was doing ok for myself,but my insecurities about my looks and other personal reasons still and have always kinda weaken me. So when she finally saw me after so long of just texting and talking we got along just fine and she came back a few more times to see me. But i did give her hope that i would change up my ways of thinking, my attitude towards life and overall just get mentally and physically healthy. She trusted my words of change for her even after all the lies and the hell i put her through before we even met. Shes a great girl with a positive outlook on everything who is finishing college now. And eventually i talked her into moving across the country to live with me and i promised her i would provide and make sure she graduates no matter what. So she left her family, friends, school,work..etc to live with someone she barely knows now to be somewhere she doesnt have friends or family to start something with me. After the 2nd or 3rd month i lost my job and just got complacent with my life and depressed with my issues again. I wasnt feeling motivated to do anything but sit on my ass all day clinging to her. I felt less of a man because i promised her all these things and i felt like i failed her so i literally sat on my ass for about 6months til i found another job. So within those months of being unemployed and trying to figure out how we were gonna pay rent and such, we started to argue more and more and she started letting out her real feelings about everything towards me and i would just put a defense mode on and attack her too. Also alot of arguing was because of my insecurities which led to me being more overprotected, more controlling, and being more of an *******. I started feeling like her biggest hater and supporter at the same time. I would lash out on her over the dumbest things and she started to feel more and more trapped because she had nobody to talk to about things but me. I would get more and more jealous of things or start questioning her more about things. (i know i was a big butthole). But we still had our good times and she was always forgiving of my mistakes. After getting a new job finances were still an issue..even though we never really fought over money, we had to start taking loans and borrowing money at one point to survive and she still loved me and didnt want to give up yet. I eventually got a promotion to management and finances start becoming easier to maintain for us. But still the arguing and fighting still was continuing. I would go 0-to-60 in a second and she started going off quicker as well. And alot of the fighting were the same issues that I said i would work on but obviously wasnt. I do want to make this clear though, i never hit my ex nor cheated on her, i was simply a little insecure boy not trying to mature with the relationship. We got to start going out together more and be able to buy gifts and provide for eachother with our finances getting better and for so long i thought i was doing the right thing for being able to provide for her finally since i was limited early on. Apparently thats all i was doing, i never took the time to tend to her emotions on things or i would, but eventually stop again. And she would tell me my actions were pushing her away, but i took her for granted and thought she wouldnt leave. So recently in the past 6months we started looking for a 2nd car for us and she was employed and still attending school and i was just working still not making positive changes for myself, so yes the arguing would still go on. Then one day i was in the process of inquiring about a vehicle and i just sat and talked her before i made the purchase and asked her how committed she was to making sure we get this car and make sure we pay it off together. And then thats when she let it on me and told me she just wasnt emotionally there with me anymore and felt like we needed a break and separation. And i felt like a brick landed on my chest. I couldnt believe this was happening, she explained how shes been feeling like that for awhile and she needs her space and time to just live and make friends and stress free from what we were becoming. She told me it wasnt because there was someone else but it was more personal for her and because she wants me to better my self without me needing her. She told my sister through text that this was the last thing she could think of to somehow salvage our relationship so i get a wake up call. So we still lived together for about 2months before i moved out,and in that time we still would kick it in the apt or go places like nothing happened, but we werent having sex either. Even though sometimes we would still give eachother a kiss and she would remind me that this is what we need and we can fix things. That eventually stop within the last month i was there and she started hanging out with her coworkers to the point that i may not even see her for the whole day or she may not evn come home sometimes. I cant help the fact that her actions werent making me feel some kind of way and made me start questioning her and her getting pushed away more cus she felt that i was still trying to control things i had no control over anymore, but i couldnt resist my actions. Next thing you know i started feeling like maybe another person was involved now, but she assured me i was wrong and i just kept pissing her off more and more to the point where she didnt want to even see me. During all of the drama i also told her she can keep the other car and apt which both were signed under me, but i kinda felt like it may help our problems somehow and also thought it would at least give me some kind of i guess "control" of things, which i was wrong about. But i have finally came to a place where i want her to keep it all just for the fact that i still want to keep a promise of helping her graduate and have a roof over her head since she had noone else to go too. So within these last few weeks ive moved out and trying to keep the space between us,but i keep listening to my head and i keep calling her and texting her because i still feel hurt,confused, and lonely without her. And all that does is make her more and more upset with me because she is saying that im still invading her space and she cant even miss me cus im always contacting her sounding like the victim. But all i want her to do is just understand where im coming from and all it does is cause more drama and push her even further. Now recently i found out she is talking to a coworker that at first she told me she had no interest in him whatsoever and all of a sudden they talk all day and night. I asked her about this and she told me they share common interest and she likes to talk to him and its strictly a friendship, but how can that be i keep asking myself when he is coming over to the old apt and they hangout and talk alllll day long?. She has told me that he never has came to the place by himself, but i dont believe it. And to think that she can just do that hurts me to the core after many long talks with me pouring my eyes out with "im sorrys" and "i love yous". Its like my words are deaf to her ears and my word doesnt mean a thing to her now. But she keeps telling me what she needs and what i need to do for us to even build a relationship period. Im so confused and emotional i have no idea what to do. The last few weeks ive been working out more, eating healthier, reading and writing also talking to friends and family alot. They all tell me the same thing which is to give her,her space and move on and she eventually will miss u again. But i guess im so scared to loser her to this other guy as well as in general. Im trying my hardest to change for myself and for her to see me, but i feel like it doesnt even matter anymore cus she has moved on completely. Im planning on going to see a counselor to help me find out whats wrong with me and try my hardest not to give up the goals ive planned out. End of the day i miss her and want her love again,but it may be to late. Im sorry that the post is so long but this actually help keep my mind off things and gave me a sense of calmness. Im not a bad person, i just have internal issues, maybe stemming from my past that keep me from being the great person i am. Im turning to anyone for positive advice, because i feel broken and vulnerable so i tend to talk to ppl about this alot now. It does help me realize how really awful i treated her and how much she meant to me. I messed this up and i need help trying to just move on from this. Thank you guys for the time and effort reading this.
PegNosePete Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 She told me it wasnt because there was someone else Hmm. I would disagree with her on that, I think there definitely is someone else. Nobody breaks up with their partner because they want to make new friends. She could quite easily make new friends while still in a relationship. My guess is that she's already met a new friend whom she wants to (or already has) become more than friends. And after reading your next paragraph about her co-worker, it looks like we've found out who it is. Sorry to say, this relationship is over. No point flogging a dead horse. She has chosen to move on. The best thing you can do now is NC. Do you have all your stuff? Do you have shared financial commitments?
Author Phinsider Posted October 5, 2015 Author Posted October 5, 2015 She told me she felt like i was going to be too controlling of her making new friends and going out. She has told me there is nothing going on with this other person who is about 8yrs younger then her and nothing intimate is going on. She told me she already deaded any type of flirting or anything that was taking place with him. And yes unfortunately the apt and car she has is under my name. Im just hoping her word is what i need to believe.
Author Phinsider Posted October 7, 2015 Author Posted October 7, 2015 ....trying to go NC..been about 3days..nothing from her either...omg this is really hard for me.
PegNosePete Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 You need to get her apt switched into her name. And you need to either get your car back, or sell/give it to her. Having an ex running around with these things in your name can be very bad for your credit rating. What happens if she doesn't pay the rent? If she gets a parking fine or a speeding ticket? As owner, the buck will stop with you. Get these things sorted out in a totally business-like manner and then go full NC.
HGD38 Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 She told me she felt like i was going to be too controlling of her making new friends and going out. She has told me there is nothing going on with this other person who is about 8yrs younger then her and nothing intimate is going on. She told me she already deaded any type of flirting or anything that was taking place with him. And yes unfortunately the apt and car she has is under my name. Im just hoping her word is what i need to believe. This was the same with my ex, swore to me there was no attraction etc. she ended up leaving me for him, and that was a 5 year relationship with someone who would never lie to me. Regardless of who she is with, just suck it up and move on. I know it's hard but it will get easier and for the best
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