whodat11 Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 So on a recent post of mine I explained the situation with my current girlfriend. Terrible family, slightly sketchy past, etc. I thought about it, I don't think she's the one I want to bring into my family or mother my child/ren. And her parents, aw hell no to making them a part of my family. Been with her for about a year. Both 22. I know we're young but I feel that at this point in the relationship, if I can't see myself marrying her, I should invest my efforts in something else. Even my friends say that she seems like more of a "for now" person. Now, at the moment, I am perfectly happy with how we are with each other. Great and fun relationship. But should I be sticking around much longer, despite the fact that I am simply enjoying the relationship for the most part (and so is she), since I don't see myself marrying her?
Itspointless Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 I miss something in your story. Do you love her or is she just convenient for you? 1
minimariah Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 But should I be sticking around much longer, despite the fact that I am simply enjoying the relationship for the most part (and so is she), since I don't see myself marrying her? unless you're planning to be honest with your girlfriend - then no. don't be a douche and unless she agrees to the both of you enjoying each other until something serious comes along - leave her alone. 2
BlueIris Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 Tell her that you don’t see the two of you having a lifetime together. That takes guts and integrity and it’s the only fair thing to do. You really have no choice, because if you don't do it, you're using and/or misleading her. And who knows? Maybe she feels the same way about you and you might end up just friends.
Stage5Clinger Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 Now, at the moment, I am perfectly happy with how we are with each other. Great and fun relationship. ^ This. So what's your ****ing problem? This girl makes you happy so who cares what your friends say. Unless they are running out of wedding rings then there is no rush to get married anyway. Give it a chance to work out and try giving this girl a little respect. She didn't ask for her parents she was born into that situation. Don't be a jerk.
Author whodat11 Posted October 4, 2015 Author Posted October 4, 2015 @Stage5clinger You clearly didn't read my previous post. This post is me asking what to do here because I do respect her. As soon as I decided that I don't want to marry her I got on here to ask for advice because I want to do things right. It's not like I've been leading her on for the entire relationship. This is a recent, as in made today, decision. If it makes you feel better, here are the reasons I made this decision. Differing religious views. Differing views on drugs. Alcohol problems. Various occasional self destructive tendencies. Risky atmosphere because of her family (Lets be honest here, you marry a girl, her family becomes yours. Her parents would be my childrens grandparents. Not to mention problems with the entire rest of her family that she is close to.) My parents are concerned regarding her family. She is kind and respectful for the most part, but can be very disrespectful at times. Her lack of direction in life. Differing views on parenting. Now I know, people change as time goes on. That's not a good thing to count on though. It's never a good idea to be with someone counting on a hope that they will change to be what you want. @itspointless I do love her. I'm here because of that.I want to make sure I do things right. I know it can be easy to say "If you love someone, be with them" but it's not always that simple. I was once with a girl (my first love) who was terrible to me. I mean never once loyal and very disrespectful. Loved her though. Now this girl is 100% loyal, but there are other reasons I have decided it's not the best to marry her.
AT15 Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 I think you will regret this in the future...just my opinion. She'll clean up her act. Who is looking for marriage at 22 any way? I was not, and I would run from any guy who would say such a thing. When I was 22, I was a hot young model with lots of options. I had a guy pull that on me once in college. I didn't know what I wanted out of life. he thought less of me because of this.But, behold the future was very bright for me. i went on to compete in the Miss USA pageant AND become a model and television actress. He tried and failed at many businesses and is now in a sucky marriage. All the stuff he was talking about me came back to bite him in the a$$. Now, he watches my commercials and television spots and tells all his buddies he used to date me. Just saying, don't go there.
Author whodat11 Posted October 4, 2015 Author Posted October 4, 2015 @AT15 I don't doubt that she will eventually clean up her act, or that she will change other things. We are young and we will both change. But should I count on her changing? I don't want a relationship based on assumptions someone will change into something else. And in terms of the deep values and morals that don't line up between us, they can only change so much. I don't see myself marrying the person she is right now. She talks about her prospects of marrying me one day and I don't want to be misleading her on this topic. I do have a good time being with her, but again, I just don't want to marry who she is right now. Shouldn't I at least tell her how I feel?
Stage5Clinger Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 Shouldn't I at least tell her how I feel? Only if you want to ruin a good thing for no good reason, then sure. Go for it. Tell her how fat that dress makes her look while you're at it. I think maybe you need to take some time apart from this girl so you can realize what you are jeopardizing. If you want to sabotage the relationship that strongly then just walk away and tell her it's over. Just be forewarned you may regret it.
Itspointless Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 @itspointless I do love her. I'm here because of that.I want to make sure I do things right. I know it can be easy to say "If you love someone, be with them" but it's not always that simple. I was once with a girl (my first love) who was terrible to me. I mean never once loyal and very disrespectful. Loved her though. Now this girl is 100% loyal, but there are other reasons I have decided it's not the best to marry her. OK, I am happy you say so. And no, it indeed isn't always that simple. A friend of mine just broke up with his girlfriend for the same reason. He was contemplating it for a long time. The thing is, he regretted it almost immediately when he did it. The question is, did he forget why he did it, or is it simply because he wants - now and then - what is out of his reach. We cannot change people, so if some things are deal-breaker to you than you should be honest and break up, she deserves to be with someone who thinks the world of her. But if you are like my friend, well better be sure about it before you break something good.
Mrlovahlovah Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 woah woah people. get a grip. i'm usually not too supportive myself when i see people willing to throw away what they consider good relationships over "petty" reasons or their desire to find someone who is perfect in all aspects of life. but! this doesn't seem to be the case here. i mean, the family thing would never be the reason for me to not marry a girl i love, but if her family was really as troublesome as you portray them (would be interesting if you elaborated on that matter), and she herself is playing on their side, this could be potentially very unhealthy for the relationship. anyway your list goes on and on...religion i guess could be a problem ( i mean as an atheist myself i believe i'd find it somewhat hard to marry a religious person). so yeah, i think if you feel incompatibility on so many life aspects then you should break it off with her. or at least confront her with what's troubling your mind and see if there's any chance you might've been jumping to conclusions a bit too fast. good luck.
Author whodat11 Posted October 5, 2015 Author Posted October 5, 2015 @stage5clinger Ok dude, don't need the sarcasm. Did you read my reply to you? I've been with her long enough for her true colors to show. She's not the same person I saw when our relationship began. And I have had time away from her. She was out of town and went out clubbing with a bunch of girls just to end up vomiting at the clubs, at the hotel when she got back, and again when she woke up. All after she promised me she wouldn't drink too much. What she is right now, I don't want to marry. Yes, we have fun together, but do I see myself spending the rest of my life intertwined with her? No. Do you think it is wrong of me to not want to marry someone? @itspointless I have given it alot of thought. I am certain there are things I will miss very very much. But I can' t see myself marrying her. I am personally fine with being with her right now but I don't think it's fair to lead her on.
Itspointless Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 @itspointless I have given it alot of thought. I am certain there are things I will miss very very much. But I can' t see myself marrying her. I am personally fine with being with her right now but I don't think it's fair to lead her on. Than the best thing you can do is being honest with her.
BlueIris Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 I am personally fine with being with her right now but I don't think it's fair to lead her on. Good for you.
Stage5Clinger Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 Yes, we have fun together, but do I see myself spending the rest of my life intertwined with her? No. Do you think it is wrong of me to not want to marry someone? I'm just trying to get you to see what you have (rather than what you don't have). You seem adamant so I'll stop trying to convince you to see it in another light. You will need to spend a month apart to re-evaluate your feelings for her. Just remember you're risking her leaving you for this - if in that time you find that you can't live without her. It's far too easy to take someone for granted when you expect them to always be there for you. It is far clearer when you have no hope of reconciliation and you find that you have made a horrible mistake. This is a very hard message to convey to someone who hasn't experienced loss. Nobody should ever have to feel the horrible burden of irreconcilable loss. 1
Author whodat11 Posted October 5, 2015 Author Posted October 5, 2015 @mrlovahlovah Just elaborating on the family issue. Her entire family is broken into groups who hate each other. I don't need to be involved with most of them though. Her siblings, I simply don't like them. Lazy, mean, etc. but I'm nice to them and can tolerate them. They are a pretty bad and strong influence on my girlfriend though (drugs, alcohol, slacking, etc.) Her parents however... She is very close to them and plans on keeping them a part of her life. Her dad is the source of the immediate disfunctionality. He is in his mid 60s and all he does is get drunk and high while living off of welfare, foodstamps, disability, unemployment, and my girlfriend. He has and still does refuse to get a job. When she lived with him, they were beyond broke. I mean electricity and water shut off in an unfinished home broke. My girlfriends aunt offered to let them stay at her house and shower, eat etc. He said no and made them shower at a nearby trucker station all through high school. She was working at a restaurant to try and help out but he would call her non stop while she was at work and yell at her when she got home for being out too late (though she was working to support him. He wouldn't let the mom get a job either. He is incredibly disrespectful towards his whole family. Especially his wife and doesn't give a **** if the world is watching. Just an example of his meanness- one time my girlfriend was going to visit them and her mom asked her to get some milk. She brought it, he started pouring out onto the concrete slab that is their kitchen floor (because the house is still unfinished) because... I don't know why but he was yelling at her while he was doing it. Also, he went swinging a crowbar at some EMTs when they came to help his mom who needed to be rushed to the ER. Another thing, one time everyone was talking about something insignificant over dinner and the mom said something, just joining in the conversation, and he put his silverware down and started yelling "WHO ASKED YOU TO TALK?! WE WERE HAVING A NICE CONVERSATION AND YOU JUST HAD TO BUD IN! NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR WHAT STUPID STUFF YOU HAVE TO SAY!" Every time I've seen him, he has been drunk/high or both. If someone is talking, he will cut them off and start saying whatever is on his mind, whether it be a joke, made up story, opinion, etc. If the person keeps talking, he will yell "I'M TALKING!".Oh, also, he spent 15k on a farm of ostriches that all ends up dying. He blows all his and his wife's government checks on music equipment. He was trying to get my girlfriend to drop out of college, and almost did. He has tried to get me to use a drone I have to deliver drugs. He has also tried to get me to spend 90k on some land so he can use it for some unspecified reasons. Don't get me wrong, the mom isn't exactly great either, but is at least kind of nice sometimes. Though she isn't smart at all and can do some pretty darn distasteful stuff. Just as an example, the pair dressed up as terrorists the halloween right after 9/11 and went to peoples doors trying to scare them. Let me remind you these people were middle aged at the time. Now I know it's easy to say "It's you and your girlfriends relationship. You don't need to see the parents." If I'm gonna be with my girlfriend, they are going to be a big part of our lives. It is just what my girlfriend wants of it. We have talked about it too. And that is risky. My friend who I met her through knew the parents way before I did and warned me that they are very manipulative and try to mooch off of people, as I have seen how they interact with me. Now what I've said is only a fraction of all the stories and events relating to her parents.
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